Let the Church Say Amen

by ReShonda Tate Billingsley

  Simon wanted to throw this man out on his behind. Instead, Simon simply nodded, then walked over and sat down. “Talk.”

  Tracy took a deep breath, then sat down in the Victorian high back across from Simon. “I’ve been trying to get up the nerve to do this since the funeral.” Tracy waited for Simon to respond. When he didn’t, Tracy kept talking. “Mr. Jackson, or can I call you Simon?”

  “You can call me Mr. Jackson,” Simon sternly said.

  Tracy tried not to smile. “Mr. Jackson, I know you’ll never understand my relationship with your son.”

  “You’re right about that,” Simon said.

  Tracy continued, unfazed. “And I know you can never understand this, but I love Jon. And Jon loves me.”

  Simon felt like he wanted to throw up. Tracy seemed almost arrogant in his confidence, but there was something genuine about his words.

  “Jon also loves you,” Tracy said.

  Simon shook his head again. “I just can’t accept that my son is gay. It’s wrong. It’s in the Bible.”

  “A Bible written by men.”

  “Who were led by God.” Simon prepared for the defensive. He knew this man wasn’t about to try to take him and the Word of God on.

  “Look, I didn’t come here to get into a religious debate on homosexuality,” Tracy said. “Nothing I say is going to get you to agree with my lifestyle, and nothing you say is going to make me think how I’m living is wrong. So can we just agree to disagree?”

  Simon thought about it. “Fine. We’ll agree to disagree.”

  “Good.” Tracy slapped his hands on his legs. “Can we talk about Jon?”

  That’s a conversation Simon didn’t mind having, even if he did have to have it with Tracy. “How is he?”

  “He’s happy. Really and truly happy.”

  Simon nodded. He still longed to hear more news about his son. “So, he’s doing okay?”

  Tracy nodded. “He was unhappy for so long because he couldn’t be honest with you. I think it was eating him alive. Although he’s much better now, a piece of him is still missing. You.”

  Simon knew exactly what Tracy was talking about. He felt empty also. Jonathan had been his joy for so long, it pained him to be estranged from the one child who had made him so proud.

  “How did you two meet? I mean, did you approach him? I mean …”

  Tracy laughed. “You mean, did I approach your son and make him gay? No, Jon was gay long before I entered the picture. He just wouldn’t admit it.”

  “But he dated girls and everything. And Angela,” Simon stammered.

  “Call him bisexual, then.”

  Simon cringed.

  “I actually think he was trying desperately to make himself believe he was straight. Angela was just the icing on the cake. I’m sure you’ve heard about his exploits with women.”

  Simon had heard the rumors that Jon was just as promiscuous as Rachel, if not more so. But he had blown it off because one, he took it as just idle gossip and two, it wasn’t that big of a deal since he was a boy.

  Tracy continued talking. “Jon told me all about his wild ways, but he was like that because he was running.”

  Simon couldn’t stop shaking his head in disbelief. None of this was making any sense. He couldn’t understand how something like this could have happened. How could his son, his flesh and blood, be into something so wrong, so vile?

  “Judging from the look on your face, you think being gay is as low as a person can sink, right?” Tracy asked.

  Simon stared at the man sitting in front of him. This had to be all his fault. Jonathan was fine until he went away to college. “So, I guess you’re going to tell me you were born this way, too?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know why I’m gay. I can tell you with all we have to endure, it’s definitely not a choice I made.” Tracy mockingly put his index finger to his temple and tilted his head like he was thinking. “Let’s see, should I like men and be ridiculed all my life? Or, fly through women and be called a stud?” He removed his finger, his expression turning serious. “Trust me, if I had to choose, I’d choose the latter. But this is just who I am. Much like it’s who Jonathan is. The only difference is, I’ve accepted it. Jonathan, on the other hand, had not. Until these last few weeks.”

  As much as Simon missed his son, he didn’t know how much longer he could stomach this conversation. “What did you come here for?” Simon asked.

  Tracy lowered his eyes. “I love Jonathan.”

  “You said that already.”

  “And because I love him, I want him to be happy, completely happy.” Tracy lifted his head and looked Simon in the face. “Why can’t he have both of us?”

  Simon didn’t know how to respond. He desperately wanted to see Jonathan, to make things right. He actually wanted to make things right with all his children. But he honestly didn’t know if he could ever accept Jonathan’s lifestyle. “Where is Jonathan now?”

  “He’s at home. We got an apartment by Reliant Stadium.”

  “We? So you live here now?”

  “Yes, I moved here to be with Jonathan. It was a deviation from our plans, but it’s what we both want.”

  Simon wanted to ask him a lot more questions, like what kind of job did Tracy have that he could just up and move hundreds of miles away in a matter of weeks. But right now, his mind was focused on his younger son.

  “Jonathan is cooking dinner next Friday. David, Rachel, and the kids will be there. I was hoping you would come. I was praying you would come.” Tracy smiled. “Believe it or not, I do pray.”

  Simon leaned back on the sofa and closed his eyes. He would love to see his kids. All of them. He reflected on Loretta’s letter. Show them you love them. Tracy was silent, letting Simon simmer in his thoughts.

  “Let me pray on it,” Simon finally said, opening his eyes. “Call me on Friday morning and I’ll let you know.” Simon couldn’t believe he was saying this, but it was time, even if it took Tracy to make it happen.

  Tracy beamed. “Friday morning it is, then.” He stood up. “I’ll see myself out.” Tracy made his way to the front door, stopped just before opening it, then confidently turned toward Simon. “Jon needs you. So do Rachel and David, even if they won’t admit it.” Tracy walked out, gently closing the door behind him.

  42

  “SO HOW DO y’all do it?”

  “What?”

  “How do y’all do it?” Rachel was stretched out across the sofa at her brother’s new apartment. “I mean do you do it like normal people?” She had been trying to get up the nerve to talk to Jonathan about this. She’d never been one to mince words, but this was one topic she felt funny raising with her brother.

  “Rachel, don’t be silly.” Jonathan was leaning over the stove, stirring a big pot of gumbo he had spent all day cooking. He’d learned how to make it from his mother.

  Jonathan loved cooking. Rachel and David’s only interest in food was eating it, so, growing up, he became his mother’s apprentice. Loretta would mix, broil, bake, and he’d be right there soaking up all her tricks of the trade. It became their bonding ritual together; he loved the holidays because he and his mother would spend all day in the kitchen.

  Jonathan’s eyes got glossy at the thought of his mother.

  Then he smiled when he imagined his father saying his spending all that time in the kitchen was probably why he was gay.

  “Are you listening to me?” Rachel had walked into the kitchen and now stood behind Jonathan with her arms folded.

  “Actually, I’m not.” Jonathan reached in the cabinet and grabbed some oregano. He sprinkled a little in the pot, then stirred the gumbo.

  “For real. I wanna know. Do you really have sex with him? How can two grown men get turned on sweating and bumping booties and stuff?” Rachel turned up her nose at the thought.

  “Rachel, you’re being ridiculous,” Jonathan responded.

  “Just answer the question. I thought you said you were going to be ope
n about who you are.”

  “I am. That doesn’t mean I’m going to share intimate details about my sex life with my little sister.” Jonathan lifted the ladle out of the pot, blew on it, and sipped the gumbo. “Perfect.”

  “So you do do it with him? Ewww. Do y’all kiss and stuff? Like with your tongues? And are you the woman or is Tracy?”

  “Enough, Rachel!” Jonathan snapped. He placed the lid back on the gumbo, dropped the ladle in the sink, then turned back toward his sister. “Those stupid stereotypes are why people don’t come out of the closet. We kiss just like you kiss. Now leave it alone!” He walked out of the kitchen.

  Rachel followed close behind. “I was just asking!”

  Jonathan ignored her, checking the apartment for the twentieth time that day, making sure it was immaculate. Tracy had left his furniture in storage in Atlanta until they found a house, so the furnishings in the one-bedroom were sparse; only a sofa, loveseat, and coffee table. A nineteen-inch television sat on a TV stand, a radio/CD player on the floor next to it. A dining table that Jonathan had bought at a garage sale was centered in the small dining room just off the kitchen. Jonathan had hung one African print, but other than that, the walls were bare. Still, the place was sparkling clean and he had never felt more at home.

  “What time did David say he’d be here?” Jonathan asked.

  “I don’t know. Do I look like my brother’s keeper?” Rachel asked as she plopped down on the sofa. She picked up the remote and flipped the TV on. “Cable! Yes. That’s what I’m talking about.” She started flipping through the channels until she found BET. They were playing a Ludacris video. “That’s my next baby’s daddy,” Rachel said, pointing to the television.

  “That’s ludicrous,” Jonathan responded.

  “Duh … I know who that is. Everyone knows who that is.”

  “No, I mean that idea is ludicrous, as in absolutely crazy. And your next baby’s daddy needs to be your husband.”

  “Oh, he’s gonna be my husband, too. At least my first husband.” Rachel bounced to the rap music.

  Jonathan shook his head. “I can’t believe you even watch that garbage.” He glanced at the clock on the dining room wall. It was six-thirty. He had told David to be there by six. “So David hasn’t called?” Jonathan asked.

  “Did you hear any phone ring?” Rachel responded.

  “Tracy should be home any minute now. I told David to be here on time. It’s our first dinner together and I don’t want anything to go wrong.” Jonathan cut his eyes at his sister. “And that means no stupid, smart-aleck comments from you.”

  Rachel looked up. “What? You know me.”

  “Exactly. So could you for once be on your best behavior?”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” Rachel turned her attention back to the TV.

  There was banging on the front door.

  “What’s up, bro?” David said, after Jonathan opened the door.

  “Nothing much. It’s about time you got here. Come on in.”

  David walked inside and threw his car keys on the end table. “Better late than never. Where’s your boyfriend?”

  “Don’t you start.” Jonathan shut the door.

  David laughed. “Man, I’m just messing with you. Do yo’ thang. I ain’t got no problem with you or your man. Hell, I got enough issues of my own. Tawny slashed my tires. That’s why I’m late. I never have understood why women do stupid stuff like that.”

  Rachel heard his remark, but kept her attention focused on the television.

  Jonathan sighed as he said to his brother, “The last thing I need is you and Rachel giving me a hard time all evening.”

  “You know,” David continued, “I do think it’s so funny that I’m the one that Dad was so disappointed in, then here you come with this bombshell. Boy, the irony of that!”

  Jonathan glared at his brother. It had been five weeks and he hadn’t talked to his father. He’d heard that the church had voted to keep him, so he was probably floating on cloud nine, not giving any of them a second thought. Jonathan tried his best not to think about his father.

  Anyway, these last few weeks had been wonderful; he loved having Tracy here with him. It was how he made it through his mother’s death and the ordeal with his father. Tracy was right. It made a world of difference having his support. Open support. Oh, they’d garnered strange looks and whispers and, at first, Jonathan was very uneasy, but Tracy stood with his head held high, giving Jonathan a shoulder to lean on. Jonathan realized having Tracy’s support was how it should be. He kicked himself at the thought of almost letting Tracy slip away, just because he was worried about what people would think.

  The part that pained him most was Angela. She didn’t deserve what he had done to her. He tried to call her several times to apologize, but she refused to talk to him. Her father brought over the annulment papers, telling Jonathan he should rip his heart out with his bare hands. Jonathan had only mumbled an apology, signed the papers, and let Mr. Brooks go on his way. Their anger was understandable. But at the time, Jonathan really thought he could make it work with Angela.

  They had yet to make any decisions about the baby. He hated that he wouldn’t be there for his child’s birth, but with Angela refusing to talk to him, he couldn’t discuss anything about the baby. He decided to give her time. He was hopeful that eventually she would allow him to have a relationship with their child. Gay or not, Jonathan felt he could make a positive impact on his child’s life.

  Kevin had almost as hard a time dealing with the news as his father. He looked genuinely hurt, saying he felt like he’d been lied to all these years. While he eventually said it wouldn’t change anything, Jonathan could tell their friendship would never be the same.

  “So, can we eat?” David said. “I’m hungry.”

  “Not until Tracy gets here. He’s on his way.”

  David grunted, then sat down next to Rachel. “You ain’t goin’ speak?”

  “Hello, David.”

  “What, no hug? You can’t hug your brother?”

  Rachel looked at David like he had lost his mind.

  “Maybe that’s what’s wrong with our family. We don’t show each other enough love!” David pounced on his sister.

  “Get off of me! You stink!” Rachel wiggled from under her brother and hit him in the shoulder.

  Jonathan laughed. That’s the David he remembered. The playful, sober David.

  “So, David, are you still clean?”

  David leaned back, grinning widely. “Yeah, man, can you believe it? It was one of the last conversations me and Mama had. That’s what she called me over for the day she had the heart attack. She asked me to let the drugs go. At the time I thought she was crazy and I promised her just to make her happy, but when she died, it caused me to reevaluate my life. You know I told Daddy I was hospitalized after almost overdosing. Well, I tried to take a hit the night I left the hospital. I felt like Mama was haunting me or something. It was just weird. So, for once I wanted to keep my word to her. I went cold turkey and haven’t touched drugs since. I had to get out from under Tawny, though. She ain’t about to give the stuff up and being around all that ain’t good for me. She swears I left her for another woman. That’s why she cut my tires. Right now, I’m staying at a halfway house until I get myself together.”

  “Wow, I’m impressed,” Jonathan said.

  “Don’t be,” Rachel muttered. “Just see how long it lasts. You know, once a dope fiend, always a dope fiend.”

  David threw a pillow at his sister. “Shut up. You don’t have to have any faith in me. I got faith in myself.”

  “Whatever you say,” Rachel responded.

  “You seem to forget that once upon a time, I did have it together. Back before the drugs. That’s what I’m shooting for again.”

  Jonathan knew David was right about once having it together. He was a C student in high school, but only because he was too mischievous to take his studies seriously. When he put his mind to something,
he accomplished it with no problem. Since he was determined to go to a big-name school, he studied for the SAT and scored a 1200. He figured being smart, as well as an all-star football player, would guarantee his admission. And it did. He got a scholarship to the University of Nebraska. He probably would’ve graduated if he hadn’t gotten hurt and dropped out.

  “I’m happy for you, David,” Jonathan said. “And I know Mama would be, too.”

  David smiled broadly. “Might as well make somebody proud.”

  “Hmmph,” Rachel muttered, as she flipped the channel to MTV.

  “What about you, Miss Two Babies and no baby daddy?” David said.

  “What about me?”

  “What are you gonna do? Are you going to let Bobby and his wife have Jordan?”

  “You must still be smoking that crack.” Rachel frowned. “But the judge says I gotta let them see him. That’s where Jordan is now. Nia’s in the back asleep.”

  “Rachel’s all right with that, though,” Jonathan said, “because she’s been spending her time with her new beau.”

  “What new beau?” David asked.

  “Lester Willis.”

  “Pimply faced Lester Willis?” David laughed.

  “He’s been seeing a dermatologist, for your information,” Rachel responded. “It’s a skin condition.”

  “Oh, now he’s Michael Jackson. And she’s taking up for him,” David said, pointing to Rachel.

  “For your information, Lester is a good man. And we’re just friends.”

  “That’s who you need to marry,” Jonathan said.

  “What part of friends are you not getting?” Rachel snapped.

  Jonathan smirked. They were just friends now, but he knew that would change. Lester was persistent and obviously loved Rachel. Jonathan could see it in Lester’s eyes at the custody hearing. Anybody could see it. Jonathan was confident that sooner or later, Rachel would give in.

  “Lester and Rachel sitting in a tree,” David sang.

  Rachel rolled her eyes. “Oh, grow up.”

  “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”

  “How old are you again?”

  “First comes love, then comes marriage.”