by S. J. McCoy
Joe nodded. “And maybe she needs more time.” He repeated.
“What do I do?” asked Ben. He didn’t know what he could do. He could go down to Mexico, hope that she was still there, hope that she would talk to him. He could wait, and hope that she came back.
Joe shook his head. “You’ve got to respect her.”
“I do!”
“I mean respect her wishes. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, she doesn’t want to talk to you. You forcing her to isn’t going to help anything.”
“So what are you saying?”
“That you need to wait for her to come to you.”
“But what if she doesn’t?”
“Then you have to respect her choice.”
Ben couldn’t even consider that. “We can’t just end everything we have over a misunderstanding!”
“I hope not. But it’s up to Charlotte.”
Ben nodded. He and Charlotte had never been in this kind of situation before. They’d had little spats here and there, but they’d always been open with each other. Always talked about things. Even when they’d gone through a really rough time and had decided that maybe they should take a break and try seeing other people, they’d talked about it, been honest with each other. If she was refusing to talk to him, he didn’t see what he could do. But he didn’t believe he could just do nothing, either.
Chapter Fourteen
The week before Ben left for college passed in a blur. He wasn’t able to concentrate on everything he’d wanted to do at the resort. Joe eased his way back in and edged him out. Ben was grateful for that.
He stopped by the DeWinters’ house every day. They were kind, but they didn’t offer him much hope. They assured him there was no point in him going to Mexico. Charlotte had said she didn’t want to see him if he did. He had to be realistic about it. He didn’t have the time or the money to spend on a pointless trip.
He spent most of the time in his own head. Lost in despair. He still couldn’t believe that she would shut him out. Yes, he’d hurt her with his assumption of what she’d done, he could understand that. But he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t forgive him. Wouldn’t come back to him. It was hard for him to accept that she didn’t care about how he felt. He was grieving, too, dammit. She wasn’t the only one who was hurting, but apparently she didn’t care.
The day before he was due to leave, he took a drive out to Pete’s place. He hadn’t managed to catch up with his best friend, like they’d said they would.
As he pulled up in front of the big house, Pete came running down the steps.
“Hey, bud. Where have you been hiding?” He stopped, his smile fading. “What’s up? You look like shit!”
Ben sighed. “Thanks. I feel like shit, too.”
Pete’s blue eyes bored into him like a laser. “Tell, me what’s going on.” It was a command, not a request.
Ben ran his hands over his face. “Okay. Can we go hang at the cabin?”
Pete nodded.
They sat on the bench outside the cabin and Ben told Pete the whole story. He and Charlotte had agreed they weren’t going to tell anyone about her being pregnant, but everything had changed since then. She wasn’t talking to him, and he needed someone to turn to. Pete was his best and oldest friend.
“Geez,” said Pete, when he’d finished. “So she’s not going to college?”
Ben shrugged. “I have no idea. She’s not going with me, but I keep thinking that maybe she’ll just show up. You know, I’ll walk into a class one day and she’ll be sitting there?”
Pete gave him a skeptical look.
“I know. It’s ridiculous. But I can’t give up all hope. I just can’t accept it. Everything we have, everything we shared, it’s all gone, just like that? All of our past counts for nothing and our future goes up in smoke?”
Pete shrugged. “I don’t know what to say, bud. I wish I did.”
Ben nodded. “It’s okay. I’m not asking for advice or answers. I just needed to talk.”
“You can always talk to me. Just because we’re going to be a couple of thousand miles away doesn’t mean we can’t talk.”
“Thanks, bud.”
“So, you’re going to go ahead and leave tomorrow?”
“Yup. There’s nothing for me to stay here for.” He didn’t feel as though there was anything for him to go away to school for now either. College had been about him and Charlotte going off and making their start in the world. If he wasn’t going to be with her, he may as well just stay here and get on with running the resort. He couldn’t believe he wasn’t going to be with her. He really was clinging on to the hope that she’d somehow get over her hurt and come out to Washington. They’d be able to get back on track and put this behind them.
“What time are you leaving?”
“I’m going to get the car packed up tonight and I’ll probably take off about nine.” He didn’t see any point hanging around. If he was honest he was hoping that spending some time on the road would help him. Everywhere he went around here he saw Charlotte. It was time to go.
“I’ll stop by, if that’s okay?”
“Thanks, bud.”
~ ~ ~
Charlotte sat on the deck and watched the sun go down. It was beautiful here, but it didn’t mean a thing. Everywhere looked empty and hollow—just like she felt. She crossed her hands over her stomach and closed her eyes against the tears. She still cried all the time. Why wouldn’t she? She knew she’d cry for the rest of her life for the little person she hadn’t had chance to know. She was wracked with a whole mix of emotions. None of them good. She felt more sadness than she’d known a person was capable of feeling. She’d only had a few weeks to get used to the idea of becoming a mum, and she hadn’t gotten all the way used to it, but she had grown attached to the little person whose life was beginning inside her. Along with the sadness, she felt huge, sickening guilt. She had suggested to Ben that they might be better off not going ahead with the pregnancy. But she hadn’t thought it through. It wasn’t a reasoned decision; it had just been an idea that had struck her. The guilt she felt now felt like she’d lost the baby because she’d chosen to. As though she’d wished her away.
When she allowed herself to think about Ben, all she felt was pain. In the beginning there had been flashes of anger—how dare he?! But those had soon faded. She understood why he’d thought as he did. She was the one who hadn’t wanted to have kids until later in life. She was the one who had been devastated at the thought of having to give up her freedom in order to raise a baby, and she was the one who had suggested they might not want to have it. It was only reasonable that he’d thought what he had.
Except it wasn’t reasonable at all. Not if he understood her. Not if he knew who she really was in her heart. He should have known that she couldn’t do that. And even given that it was uncharted territory, he should have known that she wouldn’t go making such a huge decision, one that affected both their lives, without involving him.
Her cousin, Cheryl, came out onto the deck to join her. She looked at the way Charlotte’s hands rested on her stomach and touched her arm. “How are you feeling?”
“Physically, I’m fine.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“I know. I’m just not sure how to answer about anything else. I’m still numb. There’s so much to process that I’m shut down and not processing anything at all.”
Cheryl nodded. “I think that’s good. It’s a kind of self-preservation. You’ll deal with your emotions as you have to and when you can.”
“Was it like this for you?” Cheryl was ten years older than her. They were close, having spent a lot of time together as kids. Charlotte’s parents used to dump her with Cheryl’s parents when they took off. And more often than not, Cheryl’s own parents would then take off themselves, leaving Cheryl in charge of babysitting.
Cheryl took a sip of her drink. “For me it was a long time before I felt capable of feeling anything at all. I shut down com
pletely. That’s not healthy. And if you don’t mind me saying, I don’t think it’s healthy that you’re not talking to Ben. You don’t have to go back to him or go do any of the things you planned yet. Or at all, if you decide you don’t want to. But it’s not right for the two of you not to talk at all.”
Charlotte nodded. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. I should call him. I just needed to take my time.”
“I understand. But I don’t think you should let too much time pass. The longer the silence drags on between you, the more damage will be done.”
Charlotte sighed. She didn’t want to do any more damage than they already had done. This was going to take a lot of coming back from as it was. If they even could. “I’ll call him tomorrow.”
“Good.”
~ ~ ~
Ben looked around at the little crowd gathered to see him off. “Well, I guess this is it then.”
Emma stepped forward with her arms outstretched, her eyes brimming with tears. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
He hugged her to him and blinked back tears of his own. “Not for long though, Mousey; we’ll be back here at Christmas and I’ll expect you to bake me dozens of cookies.”
She smiled and sniffed as she stepped back. “You bet, mister.”
Missy came next. Her eyes were troubled. “Are you going to be okay?”
He nodded. “You know me. And besides, what choice do I have?”
She nodded. “We’re survivors, we have to be, right? But you call me. I need to know you’re doing okay.”
He nodded. “I will.”
Michael’s eyes were shining as he stepped forward. He shrugged, “I guess I’ll see around, huh?”
Ben laughed. “Around the world somewhere?”
Michael punched his arm. “You know what I mean. I’ll be back next summer.”
Ben nodded. This was getting harder and harder as it went. He was saying good-bye to all the people he cared about, and the person he cared about most in the world, the one who was supposed to be going with him, wasn’t even here! He locked eyes with Pete. He couldn’t do it. The tears that were threatening to flood out wouldn’t make it through that. He simply nodded. Pete held his gaze for a long moment and nodded back. That was all they needed.
“You should get going,” said Pete. “The later you leave, the more likely you are to get stuck in traffic once you hit the city.”
Ben nodded. He turned to Joe. This was one good-bye he wasn’t sure he could say. He needn’t have worried, though. Joe put a hand on his shoulder and looked deep into his eyes. “See you later, kid. Call me when you get there.” Then he turned around and walked away.
Ben sniffed then looked around at the others. “See you later, guys.” He climbed into his car and pulled away just as fast as he could. He couldn’t see a thing in the rear view mirror, his car piled with his belongings, but in the wing mirror he watched Emma, Pete, Missy and Michael waving good-bye. He reached his arm out the window and waved back before he turned the corner and they were gone from his sight.
~ ~ ~
Charlotte clung to the phone as she listened to it ring. She’d waited until Cheryl had gone down to sit by the pool. She wanted to be alone to talk to Ben. She didn’t know how this conversation was going to go. She still felt some resentment toward him. She also felt guilty that she’d shut him out and refused to talk to him. But more than anything she missed him. She wanted to hear his voice. Wanted them to find a way past this.
“Hello?” It was Joe who answered.
“Hello, Joe. It’s Charlotte.”
“How are you doing, little girl?”
She sighed. “Better than I was. Is he around?”
“He’s gone. He left for Washington this morning.”
Her heart stopped beating. “I thought he wasn’t leaving until tomorrow.”
“He felt like he needed to get out of here. He’s been trying to call you, you know.”
“I know. Do you have a number where he’s going to be?”
“Not yet, but when he gets in touch I’ll tell him to call you.”
“Thanks, Joe.”
“You take care, Charlotte.”
“And you. Good-bye, Joe.”
“Good-bye.”
She hung up the phone and stared at the wall through a blur of tears. Why shouldn’t he have gone? He’d be starting classes soon. Just because she didn’t feel like she could carry on with her life yet, he didn’t have to feel the same. It wasn’t the same for him.
She started at the sound of voices downstairs. Cheryl was talking to someone. Footsteps came running up the stairs and her bedroom door flew open.
“Charlie!” It was her mum.
“How are you, sweet pea?” Her dad was here too.
She burst into tears at the sight of them. Her mum came and sat on the bed beside her, wrapping her in a hug. “You silly, silly girl. You should have told us.”
She nodded. She should have. She’d been afraid of what her parents would say about her being pregnant. They weren’t exactly conventional types, but they were freedom lovers. Grandma and Grandad had encouraged her to call them when she came back from the hospital, but she’d refused. When they left, Grandad had told her he was going to call them. He had no choice. She understood that. Still it had taken them long enough to get here.
“We’re here now, and that’s all that matters,” said her dad. “We’re going to take you home.”
“But—”
“No buts. You’re coming home with us. You can take some time to rest and recover, and then we’ll figure out where you go from here.”
She stared at him. “Since when have you been involved in helping me figure anything out?”
Her dad came to sit on the bed on the other side of her. “Exactly. We let you run wild. And look at where that’s gotten you. From now on, we’re going to be there for you. We’re going to guide you through this mess and out of it.”
“But what about college?” She hadn’t been planning to be there when classes started in a couple of weeks, but she didn’t want to close the door on it completely.
Her mum shook her head. “We want you at home. In England. Where we can keep a better eye on you. Maybe we can still get you in somewhere.”
Charlotte shook her head. “But what about Ben?”
Her dad’s face clouded over. “You won’t be seeing him anymore.”
Charlotte couldn’t believe he was saying that! “You can’t stop me!”
Her mum put a hand on her arm. “We don’t need to decide that right now. First, we need to get you better. We’re here for you. That’s all you need.”
Chapter Fifteen
Ben opened the door to his apartment and threw his bag down on the floor. He went through to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. This place was a dump, but it was cheap. All he really needed was a place to shower and sleep. Between his classes and work he didn’t have time for anything else.
He took his water through to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed. For the first few weeks, he’d hardly been able to sleep at all. He couldn’t believe that he still hadn’t heard from Charlotte. Joe had told him that she’d called after he left, but when he called her back in Mexico, Cheryl told him she’d gone back to England. That killed off his last hopes that she might just show up here one day.
He’d tried calling her at home, but whenever he called, her mom had answered. She told him that Charlotte didn’t want to talk to him, that she was getting on with her life and Ben would do well to do the same. Charlotte’s mom used to like him, he knew that. She’d been okay about Charlotte going to college over here, about the two of them sharing an apartment. She didn’t seem as though she liked him much now though.
He sighed and took out his writing paper. He wrote to Charlotte every week. She might not want to talk to him, but he wanted to talk to her. He wanted her to know how sorry he was. How much he still loved her, how much he missed her—and that he would do anything to put th
ings right between them. When he’d finished writing he read it back through, then decided to add what he’d been thinking.
I want to come see you. Even if we really are over, I want to see you one last time. I need to tell you to your face how sorry I am.
I love you, Charlie.
Forever and always.
Ben
He sealed up the envelope and went down to the mailbox and dropped it in.
A couple of weeks later, his heart leaped in his chest when he came home from class and found a letter in his mailbox. It was from England. The address on the envelope was type written, but he had to hope. He tore it open and pulled out the single sheet. That too was type written.
Dear Ben,
We really are over. I don’t want to see you one last time or ever again. I know you’re sorry. I am too. All we can do is move on in life and try to forget. You have a resort to run. I have a world to see.
I wish you the best.
Charlotte.
He let himself into the apartment and slumped down on the sofa. He read and reread the note until he couldn’t see it anymore through the tears. How could she be so cold? It wasn’t like her. That wasn’t the Charlie he knew and loved. Had she changed so much in just a few short months? He buried his face in a cushion and let himself cry. The last of his hopes had died while he read those few short lines.
He must have cried himself to sleep. It was dark when he opened his eyes and he was still lying on the sofa. He picked up the letter and put it back inside its envelope. He felt as though his life was over. It should be just beginning, but instead everything he wanted had slipped through his hands. He sat in the dark apartment wondering what his life would be like now.
Joe had told him he had to respect her wishes. So he would. He wasn’t going to beg and plead with her to change her mind. He did respect her. He did know her. And the words that she’d written were enough to convince him it was better for her if he did leave her alone.
You have a resort to run. I have a world to see.
If she thought it was better for her to forget, then he would let her do that. He didn’t understand it and he would never be able to forget her or their baby. But they coped in different ways. They had very different outlooks on life, he’d always known that. She had to do what she needed to. He drew in a deep breath, and so did he. She was right. He did have a resort to run. And he would. To the very best of his ability. If Charlotte didn’t love him anymore, the only one left was Joe. His parents cared in their own way, but it wasn’t the same. All he had left was to throw himself into building the resort, and making Joe proud.