Heart's Duo (Ugly Eternity #4)

by Charity Parkerson

  “It’s fine,” Jamie said, brushing off Kathy’s apology and obviously unaffected by whatever was going on.

  Her mom wasn’t ready to let it go. Sophie couldn’t look away. “I had no idea the walls in this place were so thin.”

  “Or how to lock a door,” Hawke added, still refusing to look at anyone.

  “Seriously,” Jamie cut in. “It’s not a big deal.” Sophie got the feeling he was enjoying himself. “It could’ve happened to anyone. I’ll make sure you have a sturdier headboard the next time you come to visit. You have some awesome pegging equipment by the way.”

  Sophie was going to die, but not before Hawke. “Dear God. Please? Someone give me a rusty spoon so I can carve out my eyes.”

  Her dad finally spoke up. “Quit being dramatic. I’m sure this house has seen its fair share of ass play.”

  Sophie choked. “No. Just. No.”

  “You would be opposed to honesty,” Benton said, buttering a roll and avoiding her death stare.

  Joss pushed away from the table, bringing the horror to an end. “Well, this has been fun, but I need a drink.”

  “We always have the best dinners,” Jamie chirped, shoveling a fork full of food in his mouth. “Loads of sharing and caring.”

  “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” Kathy fussed, tapping him on the arm.

  “Yes ma’am,” Jamie said with a smile, immediately disobeying. Kathy couldn’t have looked more pleased. Sophie couldn’t take another second. Not one single moment of Joss being so close and Benton hating her. No more anything.

  “I lied.” Sophie wanted to snatch the words back the instant they left her lips. Everyone froze. Possibly there were thousands of ways she could backtrack. She could crack a joke, and pretend it didn’t happen, but Sophie couldn’t go back to having Benton look at her with disappointment in his eyes. It was one thing to play the scene over and over again in her head, remembering every angry word he’d said—his fury as he’d ordered her to stay away from him. It was another to have him sitting across from her, rejecting her with his every action. She couldn’t stand it any longer. Shoring up her courage, Sophie met Hawke’s stare. “When I told you Joss was living with Maddox, I lied. Joss was asleep in my bed the morning you pointed out that his truck was always parked outside Maddox’s apartment.” Hawke blinked, obviously at a loss. Unfortunately, Joss didn’t seem to have any such problem. He sat back down.

  “You told him what? Why would you do such a thing?”

  Since Sophie already felt exposed, it didn’t take much to set her off. She shot Joss an annoyed glance. “Don’t play innocent Joss. There isn’t a chance in hell it would’ve happened if you hadn’t started the whole thing by toying with Maddox. I just didn’t want Hawke to take Maddox back. At least, not until he’d had time to make the trip out to California to see Jamie.” Switching her attention back to Hawke, she ignored his shock. “Truly, if things hadn’t worked out, I swear I would’ve come clean the moment you got home from your trip, but I couldn’t let you miss your chance to be happy again. I wanted you to smile like you used to before Jamie left. I’m a lot of things, but at heart, I’m not a liar. If you’d gone to see Jamie and things hadn’t gone well, I would’ve told you everything. This has nothing to do with Maddox. Honestly, I think he’s a great guy. He’s just not your great guy.”

  Joss didn’t give Hawke time to respond. “I can’t believe you did that, Sophie. All I did was send some texts and drop a few hints and insinuations. You told Hawke I was living with Maddox? That’s huge. I just…I can’t even…”

  While Sophie had expected outrage from Hawke and possibly Jamie, she was completely unprepared for Joss’ fury. It pissed her off. “Please? Spare me, Joss. When all this began, you claimed you were only testing Maddox, because—according to you—he wasn’t known for being faithful. You said if he didn’t bite, you’d back off, but he deserved it for all the hell he’d put Hawke through.” That point reminded her of another. She turned to Hawke, incapable of stopping. “Which, by the way, I had to hear from him,” she said, jabbing a finger in Joss’ direction. “I thought Maddox was just some tenant who had a tenuous connection to you and fell for you after you’d spent way too much time fixing all the broken shit in his apartment. If I’d known from the beginning who he really was, I would’ve put my foot so far up his ass there’d been nothing left for you to reconcile with. Nobody screws around with my brother’s heart no matter how much I like them.”

  Hawke opened his mouth as if he meant to argue. Sophie threw her hand up, stopping him before turning her rage on Joss once more. “As for you, instead of getting pissed off at me, maybe you should take a closer look at yourself. I might be a little twisted and do things no good girl would. In fact, I might spend my time in places most people never hear about and know a little too much about bringing someone to orgasm without ever touching them.” Before her mom could ask, Sophie cast a quick glance in her direction. “Don’t ask. I have a book. I’ll loan it to you.” With that out of the way, she focused on Joss again. “Having said all that, at least I know who I am, and I’m not ashamed. Maybe it’s time you ask yourself why you continued sending those texts long after it became apparent Maddox wouldn’t cheat on Hawke.”

  “Maddox didn’t cheat on Hawke,” Jamie repeated, sounding stunned. Sophie didn’t bother looking his way. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Joss’ face.

  “Of course, he didn’t,” Joss snapped. “Give the guy some credit.”

  His defense of Maddox made her eyes sting. All the things that had gone unsaid since she’d walked away from Dylan and Cade’s reception, clogged her chest. “I saw you kiss him,” Sophie said, ashamed of how her heartache shone in every word. Never in a million years did she want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt her. A muscle in his jaw ticked.

  “I know. I meant for you to see us.”

  Sophie shook her head. It was obvious he didn’t understand. “I saw you when you kissed Maddox. Perhaps, in the beginning, you hoped Maddox would fail so Hawke would turn to Jamie. I also think, at one time, you felt something for me. At least, I hope you did,” she added, almost too quietly for anyone to hear because it hurt. Hawke’s hand found hers beneath the table. As his fingers squeezed hers, Sophie swallowed past the burn of her confession and the knowledge Hawke was still on her side even if he was angry. “I felt something for you too, but I saw your face when you kissed Maddox. I saw you.”

  Turning away, Sophie carefully avoided Benton’s gaze. She could feel him watching her, but she was barely holding her shit together as it was. If she looked and saw his disapproval one more time, she wouldn’t make it. Instead, she focused on Hawke, surprised to find his face swimming a bit before her eyes. Sophie blinked. No way in hell would she cry. She had no regrets.

  “I’m sorry.”

  A sad smile touched Hawke’s lips at her apology. “Yeah. Me too.”

  Draping his arm across the back of her chair, Hawke settled deeper into his. After a full minute of staring into space, he brought Jamie’s hand to his mouth and held it there as if silently reassuring the man nothing had changed. No one said a word nor did they leave the table. With a deep breath for courage, Sophie finally met Benton’s stare. He dipped his chin. The tightness in her chest eased. She’d done the right thing.

  Chapter 4

  Joss tapped his knuckles on the door frame before he could wuss out. He’d done everything he could think of to avoid this moment. After the dinner debacle, Joss had gone out and explored London by night. With zero sleep under his belt, he’d waited for Jamie to get moving for the day before talking things out. Now, there’s was no more hiding. Sophie and Hawke glanced over at his interruption. There wasn’t an ounce of malice in Hawke’s eyes. There should’ve been, but there wasn’t. Sophie, as always, barely spared him a glance before dismissing him. He couldn’t blame her.

  “Can I talk to the two of you for a minute?” Since they were sitting in the middle of the living room, i
t seemed almost ridiculous to ask. He didn’t feel welcome, and this was more than a chat.

  “Of course,” Hawke answered for both of them. “Jamie tells me you’re leaving. I hate you can’t stay until at least after Christmas.”

  Shoving his hands in his pockets, Joss crossed the room. He’d been so uncomfortable since arriving, he didn’t even feel he could sit. Instead, he ended up hovering over the pair. “It’s nothing personal.”

  Hawke flashed a sardonic grin. “Sure it is, but I’m not offended.”

  Joss blew out a sigh. He always felt like an asshole when it came to Hawke. Sophie still wouldn’t look at him. “I’m sorry,” he said before he could back down. “For everything,” he added, in case Hawke didn’t understand. “I’ve thought about calling you thousands of times to apologize, but nothing I thought up seemed…” Joss floundered, incapable of finding a word strong enough to describe how much regret he carried daily.

  Hawke saved him from trying. “I’m not.”

  Joss nodded, at a loss. “Okay. Good talk.” He started to walk away, but Hawke’s low chuckle kept his feet glued to the floor. Hawke sat forward, setting his elbows on his knees and focusing on Joss.

  “Our dad used to tell us that anything worth having was worth fighting for. When I met Maddox, I took that advice too much to heart.” A wry smile twisted Hawke’s lips, fascinating Joss. Even Sophie seemed incapable of looking away. “The harder he tried to push me, the further I dug in my heels determined to stay. I thought, damn, he has to be the one if I’ve had to work this hard to keep him.” Hawke shook his head. “I was wrong, but I didn’t realize how much so until Jamie.”

  Joss wanted him to stop. Seriously. “You don’t have to do this.” Hawke had a way of looking at people. There wasn’t a doubt in Joss’ mind it was one of the biggest reasons Jamie had fallen for him. When Hawke focused on someone, he saw them—all the way to their soul. Joss felt laid bare. The desire to run away was epic, but oddly, he couldn’t.

  “Yes. I do. You’re punishing yourself and you shouldn’t. Things are so easy with Jamie—simple. He loves me and if I work for it, I don’t feel like I do. Obviously, I would do anything to make him happy because for real, he’s my whole world, but it’s a haven, not a hell. Being with Maddox was nothing but exhausting highs and lows. That’s not real life. People can’t live that way forever. The forever kind of love is steady and comfortable. You’d kill to keep it, but the fight is external, not internal. The battle is supposed to be against the world not each other. It’s supposed to for each other. If Maddox had loved me, for real and forever, he would’ve given anything for me—even it meant losing you. He wasn’t willing to give up you.” Hawke sat back and crossed his arms over his chest as if satisfied his point was made. “I’ve always known why even if you don’t or he doesn’t.” Hawke released the footstool, kicking his heels up and settling back in. “On second thought, you should go home. You should be with Maddox on Christmas.”

  Sometime during Hawke’s speech, Sophie had turned her head away. With her attention locked on the opposite wall, she couldn’t have screamed louder that she didn’t want to hear whatever was being said. Joss couldn’t let this go on. For all Hawke’s reassurance that Joss had no reason to be sorry, he did. Going down on his haunches, he touched her knee, forcing her to either meet his gaze or tell him to fuck off. When she turned her head, he wished it was the latter. For every ounce of forgiveness Hawke offered, Sophie obviously held twice the anger. He wished he knew some magic words to fix everything, but life didn’t work that way. Nothing would ever be to everyone’s satisfaction.

  “For the record, I disagree.” Joss almost laughed at Sophie’s announcement. She couldn’t be kept down. “I think you’re a total douche for bailing on your brother the day before Christmas when he barely has a free moment as it is. He could’ve chosen to take his holiday and spend every second alone with his husband, but instead he included us. You’re a selfish ass.”

  In spite of her insults, Joss couldn’t stop smiling. “You can’t stop being the controlling and judgmental older sister who knows best for one single second, can you?” She visibly clenched her teeth as if determined to prove him wrong. “I like it. Did you know I’m the older twin by two minutes? To most people, that might seem beside the point, but I’ve always known I was the older brother. I did love you, by the way.” She was grinding her teeth to a pulp. He could see it. It only spurred him on. “I’m sorry for being me. Even I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.” Sophie blinked, making him wonder if she was fighting back tears. They wouldn’t fall. Just like everything else, she held those with an iron grip as well. He respected her more than anyone he’d ever met. “For the record,” he said, using her words against her. “You should try to spend some time with Benton while you’re here.” She shot a nervous glance in Hawke’s direction. Hawke didn’t look surprised and Joss refused to back down now. “If you could see the way the two of you look at each other when you think the other isn’t paying attention, you’d figure out what the rest of us already know.” He chuckled because he couldn’t stop it from happening. “No one gets as furious with someone as he is with you unless they care.”

  In a move that shocked the shit out of him, Sophie leaned forward and hugged him. Judging by her expression, it surprised her too. He wished he felt nothing as her scent enveloped him, but he did. If there was anything Joss knew with one hundred percent surety, it was that he was an idiot—through and through. A part of him had wanted Sophie from the second he set eyes on her, and that part didn’t want to give her up. The rest of him knew it wasn’t meant to be. He had to let it all go. She squeezed him harder as if she felt him slipping away. Lowering his voice for only her ears, he spoke into her hair, watching the red stands waft away with each exhaled word.

  “If I’d been born a different man, you would’ve been the one.”

  Sophie being Sophie, she set him free like no one else ever would. “Go away before you make me cry.” He would. In truth, he should’ve done it a long time ago.

  * * * * *

  Long after Joss left, Sophie eyed the doorway, ensuring he didn’t intend to return before saying anything. Of course, if she was being honest with herself. It took her that long to force her throat to work. “I feel like such a conniving little bitch. If I’d just asked you what in the fuck was going on between you and Maddox, maybe—I don’t know—I might’ve stayed out of it.”

  A low chuckle rumbled from Hawke’s chest. “Yeah…probably not. Joss is right. You’re the big sister. Meddling is part of the job description. Not that it matters. It’s a hard thing to admit you’re insecure in a relationship, and I was.” Hawke shrugged. “Saying it aloud made me feel weak, and I didn’t want to feel that way. Chances are good, even if you’d asked, I wouldn’t have told you the full story. I felt like the biggest idiot in the world for taking Maddox back only to have him turn into this person I didn’t know. When I walked away from him the first time, I promised myself I wouldn’t be his doormat again, and there I was—except this time he had twice the power over me because I didn’t want to lose Addison. By the time we were over for the final time, I think I hated him more than I ever loved him. You didn’t do that and Joss didn’t either. It was me and it was him. We were destructive from the very beginning.”

  Sophie nodded, completely understanding. “Oh, but what a delicious ride, huh? The passionate ones always burn you to the ground until there’s nothing left, but you never forget them.”

  Hawke eyed her as if she’d shown too much of herself. There was a reason she’d never asked him too many pointed questions about Maddox. It opened the floor to him to ask about her life. No one knew her. She wanted it to stay that way. “I guess we don’t know as much about each other as I’ve always liked to pretend,” Hawke said, almost as if he’d read her thoughts.

  “Yeah. I guess not. Sometimes, it’s kind of ugly in my head, and the things I do to escape aren’t the things you share with a brother.” She flashed
him a quick smile. “Even when your brother is as awesome as mine.”

  Hawke smiled back, warming her heart. “To be fair, apparently, we have the biggest freaks on the planet for parents. I think we were doomed from the start.”

  Sophie laughed in spite of herself. “Sheesh. Imagine what our kids will be like. Scary. Hey, can I ask you a personal question?”

  Hawke snorted. “This is new. I don’t think you’ve ever asked permission before.”

  Sophie thought it over and shrugged. “I don’t know. For some reason, this seems more intrusive than usual.”

  Hawke’s mouth turned up in one corner. “At this point, I’m willing to risk it.”

  “Have Benton and you ever slept together?”

  “Where did that come from?” Hawke asked with a chuckle.

  “It’s a fair question.” One Sophie wished she could take back. “You were single when the two of you met.”

  “He wasn’t.”

  “Okay. Didn’t know that.” Her first reaction was to say she didn’t think it would matter to Benton, but, of course, it would. Benton valued honesty above all else. Still. “I can’t picture him in a relationship. Anyhow, it’s obvious the two of you care a lot about each other—maybe a little more than friends normally do. It’s made me curious.”

  Hawke stared at the fireplace, seeming to consider her words carefully before responding. “It’s hard to explain. We have a strange bond. He’s funny when I don’t realize how badly I need to laugh. I’m serious when the rest of his life feels like a joke. To answer your question, no. We haven’t slept together. Although I’m certain there’s nothing Benton wouldn’t be willing to try or hasn’t done already, for that matter, but he’s straight.”

  “Oh. I don’t know about that,” Benton said from the doorway. “If you’d ever given me hope, I would’ve switched teams for you.”

  If there was a worse hell than get caught talking about someone, Sophie couldn’t think of one. She also couldn’t meet his stare. Her face was on fire. Hawke, on the other hand, didn’t appear the least bit surprised or embarrassed as Benton filled the space on the couch between them, forcing Sophie to scoot over or get squashed. Stretching out, Benton draped his arms over their shoulders, settling in.