“I needed to know,” he said, unable to find a better place to start. “He loved you, but you didn’t have to fight for him anywhere near as hard as he had to fight for you. I had to know. Things were moving so fast and Addison was right there in the middle. You’re right. I was there. I walked the floor with you. I held her in the hospital. You wanted Hawke, but you didn’t fight until he walked away, I had to know you’d stay and fight the way he did for you.”
“That’s fucking ridiculous.” Maddox sounded as tired as Joss felt.
“I know it is because—for the most part—it’s a complete lie. It’s the one I told myself and the one I told Sophie every step of the way, but it’s bullshit.”
Maddox shook his head, looking lost. “I’ll never understand you.”
“That’s my whole point. You don’t get it. The house you were raised in was normal. You had two parents and a regular childhood in every way. When you grew up, you moved out, free to live openly as you pleased because you already knew what it was like to be a regular, every day person. I’ve never had that. All I’ve ever had was Jamie and I’ve always been barely hanging on to him. When I realized he felt too much for Hawke, all I could think about was if he craved being with Hawke anywhere near as badly as I wanted to be normal, then he had to have him.”
“So you had to choose a side, and you chose blood. I get that. You’ve said you’re piece. Let’s not talk again.” Maddox stood, ready to leave him behind. Joss couldn’t have that. He hadn’t said what he came to say. Not by a longshot.
“No. You’re not hearing me, Maddox. I didn’t have to choose a side. Jamie was fine. Hawke was happy with you before I stepped in, and that’s all Jamie ever wanted for him. It was me who wasn’t okay.” His desperation must’ve called to Maddox on some level. He sat. Joss took it as a good sign, but he also recognized it wouldn’t last for long if he didn’t man up and admit everything. “When I met Sophie, I thought she was the answer to everything.” Joss snorted, incapable of stopping the sound. “She’s pretty amazing—classy and kinky as fuck. For the first time in my life, I saw that ordinary life I’d always dreamed of having right there within my reach. I could have a family of my own. We’d do family-type shit. In my head, it was beautiful. We’d have awesome kids and make everyone jealous. All the while, she’d be doing whatever I could dream up in the bedroom. The perfect existence.” Joss stared at the wall, picturing the life he described. “It was exactly the way I fantasized it would be my entire life, except with Sophie, I finally had a face to go along with it. She fit everything to perfection. Something kept holding me back.”
“You’ve lived a pretty debauched life for someone who craves normalcy.”
A wry smile pulled at the corners of Joss’ mouth. Joss couldn’t call Maddox a liar. He had indulged in more than his fair share of wild times. “In private I’ve always done as I please. There’s no one there telling me I’m going to hell or judging me. Publicly, I’ve always been fine with hanging in the background and looking exactly like someone else in the world. Being an identical twin is proof I belong somewhere and to someone. I was so busy searching my head for the perfect place to exist, I ignored my soul. It was screaming. There was so much rage in my heart, and I couldn’t figure out why. I was hurting you and pushing you, and I couldn’t stop. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quit you. I ignored the ache in the center of my chest. The one trying to tell me everything I already knew. It didn’t matter if I thought I needed to have a normal life.” Joss turned his head and found Maddox watching him. For the first time in forever, there was no hatred in the man’s eyes. It broke him. “My soul wants you. From the moment we met all those years ago, it has never stopped needing to be with you.”
As the words left his lips, Joss’ eyes fell closed and he let his head fall back against the wall behind him. The dreams he’d held onto his entire life melted away, replaced by the image of Maddox and Addison. Years ago, they’d shared a more-secret-than-not relationship. It had eventually dwindled away because of Joss’ inability to see himself with another man for the rest of his life. Their friendship remained intact. It was something they rarely mentioned. He’d never truly shown a preference in his bed. In his head, that was another matter. Now, everything was black. There was nothing but an inky dark void of nothingness, filling every space when he tried to picture his future. It didn’t matter what he’d once thought he wanted or what he actually craved. He’d taken a huge rock and smashed his entire life to tiny pieces. There was no getting it back now.
For now, he needed to push it aside. That wasn’t why he was here. Drawing on some inner strength even Joss hadn’t known he had left, he focused on Maddox once more. He appeared more confused than anything. Since it was better than hatred, Joss accepted any reprieve he could get. “Anyhow, it doesn’t matter. Not really. I’m the bastard who fucked up your life, but whether you like or not, I am your friend. You need help, and I’m here, so go home. Grab a couple hours of sleep and something to eat. If anything changes with your dad, I’ll let you know immediately. Now, go away.” Joss finished his speech by crossing his arms over his chest and settling into his chair, using his body language to let Maddox know how serious he was. If Maddox wanted to move away from him or leave, it wouldn’t impact him in the least. He was there to stay.
“I already have someone on their way to give me a break.”
Maddox sounded a bit numb, making it impossible for him to tell if it was a lie. “Well now you have two people here, so go away.”
“I don’t need two people. You go away.”
In spite of everything, Joss couldn’t help but to smile. Maddox’s childish tone gave him hope. He didn’t know why, but there it was. “No.”
“Should I go away then?” Finn asked, appearing at their side and damn near making Joss jump out of his skin.
“No,” Maddox said at the same time as Joss said, “Yes.”
Ignoring Joss, Maddox stood, wincing with every motion and giving up his seat to Finn. “I appreciate this. Seriously.”
Finn gave him a quick pat on the shoulder before claiming his empty seat. “Think nothing of it. What are friends for?”
Maddox focused on Joss for a second at Finn’s words before glancing away. “Still, you didn’t have to take time out and I won’t forget it. I’ll be back in an hour. Text me if you need me sooner or if anything changes.” With Finn’s nod of agreement, Maddox walked away without bothering with Joss in any way. That was cool. He could take it. Unfortunately, with Maddox gone and the silence growing between him and Finn, the chair he was sitting in became even more uncomfortable. Joss tried focusing on the TV hanging in the corner. It was muted, but there was a strip of world news rolling across the bottom of the screen. He spent a few minutes pretending to read it, and then another actually doing so. When he’d exhausted that pointless exercise, Joss switched his attention to the room, noting everyone in it. There were only four other people in the waiting room—a middle-aged couple who looked as bored as him, an elderly woman in a wheelchair who could’ve been asleep or dead, he wasn’t sure, and a pregnant lady who looked scared.
He really hated hospitals. Joss shifted in his seat, growing more uncomfortable by the minute. Why was Finn there? If Cade or Dylan had shown, Joss could understand, but Finn? He glanced over, eyeing the man in question. It was almost funny. Joss had known the dude for a couple of years. He played cello for a local rock band. Jamie dragged him to a few shows back before marrying Hawke. It was actually pretty awesome. Before Finn, Joss had never seen anyone rock out a cello before. If anyone had told Joss he would enjoy it, he would’ve laughed his ass off, but the dude had serious skills. In all the time Joss had known him, he’d never really looked at the guy, not even when he’d been more than half naked at Cade’s and Dylan’s wedding reception. Of course, Joss’ attention had been locked on Sophie at the time, but still.
Finn turned his head, catching Joss staring. He smirked. His light-blue eyes flashed with humor. O
h, fuck no. He saw it. The man was almost sickeningly hot. How had he missed that? He was here for Maddox. Well goddamn. Joss looked away, going back to staring sightlessly at the TV. Wasn’t that the way of things for him? Finally, after all this time and all the bullshit, he’d been honest with Maddox and here was this guy. Fuck. His chest hurt. At least he was already at the hospital. When his heart failed, they could wheel him on back. Joss drew a slow breath in through his nose, attempting to stave off the pain. He deserved this. Fuck that. He was going to kill the man next to him. Another point in the hospital’s favor. It didn’t even matter that Finn had done nothing wrong. Joss was going do him physical harm. A low chuckle rumbled from the back of Finn’s throat. Oh yeah, that was it. Even Finn’s laughter was sexy, and for that reason alone, the man had to die.
“We’re only friends, you know?” Joss didn’t bother looking Finn’s way even with his claim hanging between them. “Just thought you might like to know that.” Joss finally glanced over, incapable of ignoring Finn a second longer. This time he noticed even more details about the man. He had amazing lips and a smattering of freckles across his nose. Finn was the perfect mixture of sexual and innocent. Joss didn’t stand a chance.
Joss kicked his voice into gear. “Why would you think that?”
Finn laughed again at Joss’ question. Turning his attention to the TV, Finn crossed his arms over his chest and his feet at the ankles, obviously settling in for a long stay. It was more than obvious Finn didn’t have any intention of answering him. Giving up, Joss focused on the opposite wall. When Finn’s question came, Joss would’ve liked to have claimed he was surprised, but he wasn’t. “Does he know you’re in love with him?”
“No offense, but I really don’t want to talk to you about this.”
He saw Finn shrug out of the corner of his eye. “We’re not friends. Got it.”
Joss blew out a sigh. It seemed he would be everyone’s favorite asshole today. “He hates me so it doesn’t really matter how I feel.”
“Better hatred than indifference,” Finn said, somehow making Joss feel worse. “Trust me, indifference is a bitch you can’t overcome. That’s when you know they’re finished with you. He’s not finished with you, not yet anyhow.” Finn’s observation sounded more ominous than hopeful. Fantastic. “You know what? It’s ridiculous for both of us to be here. I think I’m going to let you be the hero and fall on this bullet.”
“Are you sure? I can’t imagine Maddox thanking you for that.”
Finn pushed from his chair. “He’ll get over it. I’m sure.” Without another word, he left Joss alone. With Maddox’s current mood, it was possible he wouldn’t talk to Finn again after leaving Joss behind. Either way, with nothing to distract him other than his bleak thoughts, it didn’t take long for Joss’ back to cry foul, but Joss hung in there. By the time Maddox returned two hours later, freshly shaven and wearing different clothes, Joss had gone numb from the waist down. To Joss’ surprise, Maddox claimed the seat next to him rather than choosing to sit elsewhere.
“You don’t seem surprised Finn isn’t here.”
Maddox shrugged. “He texted me to let me know he was leaving.”
Huh. Joss hadn’t been expecting that. “Yet you didn’t rush back, expecting I wouldn’t hang around.”
“What do you want to hear?” Maddox asked, staring at the TV. “I spent twenty minutes trying to convince myself you couldn’t be trusted to stay, but it didn’t work. You might be a total ass, but you’re a loyal one.”
It was better than nothing.
*****
With the lightest pressure from his fingertips, Sophie’s nether lips parted. He’d let her sleep two hours before he couldn’t take the torment a second longer. Even though he was certain she was still more awake than asleep when she moaned, she tried moving against him. He easily held her in place, pushing her panties down her hips. Moving slow, he did everything he could to drag out the anticipation and tease her. He already donned a condom before starting this game. There was no way he was pausing in the middle of his fantasies coming true for a bit of protective reality.
“I never would’ve pegged you as cruel,” she breathed when he refused to hurry. He kissed her neck, not giving in. Sophie got her revenge. Slipping her shirt upward, she squeezed her breasts, taunting him. It was an awesome play. A drop of pre-cum beaded from his dick. The moonlight streaming through the window cast just enough glow across her body, ensuring he didn’t miss a thing. She was so freaking sexy, Benton’s mouth watered. It felt as if he’d been waiting for her forever. Now, his patience was wearing thin.
Rocking against her ass, Benton drew her thigh over his and teased her opening with his crown. His muscles clenched. Sophie drenched his fingers and dick. With her held against his chest, Benton took her lobe between his teeth, nipping lightly as he sank inside an inch before withdrawing. A whimper came from the back of her throat. He cupped her pussy, savoring the way her juices coated his fingers as she rode his palm. With the tips of his fingers, he guided his cock inside once again, sliding deeper this time. He meant to pull away, dragging out her torment, but once Benton was there he couldn’t give up his prize. Her channel squeezed him, milking him even as she tried getting off on his hand. He moved away just enough to drive her insane, forcing her to chase after his hand.
“Damn, Benton.”
“I love the sound of my name on your lips.” He pivoted his hips, pumping inside her. “We have all night. You come when I say you do.” She growled. An evil laugh rose in his throat. “Give me what I want, Sophie. I’m not content to move fast. With you, I want it to go on forever.” Her shoulders relaxed against his chest at his claim. Triumph raced through his veins. The scent of her hair. The taste of her skin. Everything about her added to his desire to possess her. At this angle, he couldn’t go as deep as he’d like. It took the bite out of his crazed lust. If he took her hard, it would be over too soon. Everything was already slipping away faster than he liked. He’d wasted a week in anger. In a few short days, she’d be thousands of miles away again. Benton needed to savor this moment.
In spite of her surrender, Sophie still continued squeezing his cock and driving him mad. Her short gasps and low moans caused electricity to crawl over his skin. The muscles in his stomach were clenched so tightly he didn’t know if they’d ever relax. The pressure in his balls begged for him to relent. He pinched her clit between his thumb and forefinger. “I dream about you,” he confessed as he drove her insane. “You’re always screaming my name.”
Sophie reached over her head and buried her fingers in his hair. His roots stung as she held him in place and pushed back against him, attempting to take him deeper. “Oh god, Benton.” Sweat glistened on her breasts, catching the moonlight. He kissed her shoulder and watched the way they moved in time with his pounding. As much as he didn’t want to lose this moment, he couldn’t hold out forever. Her body was feeding his flame. Increasing the pressure, he used every ounce of his skill to push her to orgasm—fast and hard. All Benton could do was bury his face against her shoulder when her pussy clenched around his dick, milking him. A gasp tore from his throat. Lights popped behind his eyes and the explosion rocked him when he came. She was babbling words he couldn’t hear. The blood rushing through his ears made it impossible to hear a thing. He said things he couldn’t remember the moment they passed his lips. Soon they’d have to talk about them, but for tonight, she was his.
Chapter 6
All Maddox did was rush these days. His dad was out of the hospital but not running any marathons. He still relied heavily on Maddox to do several things, and Maddox was rundown and behind on every fucking thing. But when it came to his daughter, he refused to miss a single visit. It didn’t matter what else went on his life. She was his world. Of course, he was already ten minutes late to pick her up and missing his keys, but the moment he found them, he’d be father of the year. Spotting them on the floor beneath the side table, Maddox went after them. The phone rang the mom
ent his knee hit the floor. Shit. Why hadn’t he thought to call and let Wendy know he was running behind? It was like his brain didn’t function properly any longer.
“Hey, I was just heading out to pick up Addison.”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m calling. One of her friends is having a huge slumber party and Addison wants to stay there tonight. If that’s okay with you?”
Maddox’s chest tightened. He tried to keep it from his tone. “Sure. She’s getting older. I know she’s not going to want to hang with her daddy forever.”
“Awww,” Wendy said, letting him know she wasn’t fooled. “It’s only one night. She still has plenty of daddy time left in her. Think of this as a small blessing. You have the night off. Go somewhere. Be an irresponsible adult for one night.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Because he had so many choices. Not. “Tell her I love her and to have fun.”
“I will, and you be sure to have fun too.”
With his call at an end, and nothing except time to kill, Maddox spun his phone between his fingers. The empty space between his front door and couch kept him occupied for ten minutes while he paced. He could call Cade, but the idea of being surrounded by his blissful life with Dylan made Maddox want to growl. It was something he couldn’t stomach tonight. Had life turned him bitter? Possibly, but it didn’t change the facts. He couldn’t go there.
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