Good Vibrations

by Elizabeth Parrish

  “Dammit, why did I have to find myself a younger man right before I suddenly aged a decade? He’s probably used to dating 21 year old hard bodies, not 30 year old sagging bodies that had been inhaling molten cheese for dinner,” I moaned, my confidence utterly shot by the idea.

  “Whoa, pump the brakes for a just a second there. He’s a lawyer right? I’ll admit, I’ve never dabbled in that profession, but from what I’ve seen on TV, it seems like they can be pretty busy people. Like you said, he’s young, so he’s probably just trying to make a name for himself at work by putting in some extra hours,” Veronica responded as she guided me away from the mirror.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right,” I mumbled, casting one last forlorn look at myself in mirror as I backtracked toward my desk.

  “You know, if you’re looking for a good workout and a way to spice things up a bit, you should take a pole dance lesson with me. I’ve heard that the classes are really intense workouts and I was thinking of giving one a try tonight,” Veronica mentioned out of the blue, catching me completely off guard.

  As I shot her a questioning glance, she continued, saying, “Derek’s got a birthday coming up soon and I thought maybe I could surprise him and show off my skills if the class goes well,” as she pulled up a website that she had been checking out.

  “Wow, I’m impressed that you came up with that idea. It’s possibly the only present that I’m sure any guy would be excited to unwrap,” I replied, doing my best to sound supportive.

  “Things must be going pretty well with him if he’s convinced you to go to a country bar and now you’re considering doing something like this for him,” I noted while I pondered whether Veronica’s idea could also be used to help me refocus Jonathan’s attention until an image of me in a full body cast suddenly popped into my head.

  “Well, outside of volleyball, our interests don’t overlap quite as much as I had hoped, but I actually have sort of enjoyed seeing what he’s into. Besides, we had drank so much before we started dancing the other night that I got pretty into it. I would never have guessed to look at him, but he moves pretty well for a country boy,” she concluded with a wink.

  So, speaking of moves, how do you feel about keeping me company tonight and maybe picking a few moves of your own? It might give Jonathan something to mull over the next time someone asks him to pull an all-nighter,” Veronica noted with a sly smile as she expertly played on my pressure point.

  While I wasn’t really the type to suggested a trip to a strip club as a way to end a night out, I had found myself inside of enough of them on birthdays and stagettes that I had gained a healthy respect for the coordination and strength it must take to slide down a pole upside down and to do so in a way that still managed to look seductive.

  On the other hand, as I pondered my own previous prodigious athletic exploits, I couldn’t quite manage to get the image of Bridget Jones’ aborted trip down the fireman’s pole, with her skirt billowing around her head, out of my mind.

  Taking a deep breath, I cautiously replied, “I’ve had enough trouble with just sitting down lately, so I’m pretty sure that spinning around a pole is not going to end well for me. Then again, I guess it’s got to be better for me than sitting at home moping and drinking. Let me mull it over and I’ll get back to you before the class.”

  Well, everyone always says that dating requires sacrifices.

  Sigh.

  All I can say is that Jonathan better have one hell of a Valentine’s Day planned for me this weekend.

  I’m not a woman. I’m a force of nature – Courtney Love

  43. Later that night, having downed a couple of martinis to go along with my sparse, calorically challenged dinner, I decided to put ego before common sense and to meet up with Veronica at the dance studio.

  Even if most of my prodigious upper body strength was based solely on years of carrying shopping bags from the mall to my car, given all of my yoga experience, how difficult could it be to add a pole to the mix?

  Besides, if Britney Spears routinely managed to pull off a stage routine with one of those things whilst (possibly) being medicated with god knows what, one would think that I should be able to survive one night with a couple of martinis in me.

  Stepping inside the studio, I quickly spotted Veronica at the far end of the room and I hustled over to join her.

  I had my favourite yoga shorts on which, for some unfathomable reason, were feeling surprisingly snug as I made my way through the crowd. However, I was confident that tonight’s lesson was going to help loosen them up again.

  “This place is packed! I knew these classes were popular but I wasn’t expecting it to be anything like this,” I exclaimed in shock as I gazed around the room, taking in the scene.

  “I was talking to the girl at reception and apparently it’s like this every year before Valentine’s Day,” Veronica replied as our tiny, incredibly sculpted, instructor walked up to the front of the room.

  Hmm, was I the only girl that hadn’t been out there broadening her skills on a regular basis? And here I thought Hallmark had created Valentine’s Day so that men would shower us with attention and/or presents at least once a year? Who knew there was an expectation of reciprocity?

  As I scanned the room which appeared to be practically overflowing with lithe young women, my mind wandered back to my shrinking yoga wear (or possibly my expanding hindquarters) and I suddenly found myself very motivated to make the most of this experience.

  After going through some stretches and warm-up exercises, our instructor split us off into pairs so that everyone had a spotter as we learned the basics of sliding down a pole.

  Glancing around the room, it was evident that the vast majority of the women in attendance, Veronica and myself very much included, were a study in function over form.

  After exerting far more effort than I had expected, the two of us had each managed to successfully execute a controlled slide down the pole, but slow and sexy it most definitely was not.

  “Hi ladies, how are the two of you doing?” Heidi, our instructor, asked, coming up behind us as Veronica and I were catching our breath.

  Seeing Heidi up close, I realized why the two of us had been struggling so much. Not only was she tiny, but every curve of her body appeared to be toned and sculpted.

  After glancing at my name tag, she addressed my, asking, “Anna, do you mind if I use you to demonstrate the next movement?” her tone coming far closer to an order than a request.

  Without bothering to wait for a reply, Heidi turned on her mike and announced, “Ladies, if I can have your attention over here for a moment, Anna is going to help me demonstrate the next movement.”

  I gulped audibly as all of the eyes in the room immediately swivelled towards me.

  I so did not sign up for this.

  “So, Anna is going to grip the pole with both hands and then, while holding her body tight against the pole, she will swing both legs forward towards her head while her body rotates backward and then she’ll slowly slide down the pole while I support her,” Heidi continued, indicating for me to grab the pole.

  So I’m supposed to swing my legs over my head and then slide down upside down? Hmm, I’m probably not going to take bets on how well this is going to turn out.

  Taking a deep breath, I did my best to comply with Heidi’s demand; grasping the pole firmly and holding on for dear life as I felt Heidi’s hands supporting me and guiding me into the proper position.

  “Now, Anna is going to lean back and let her legs slowly rotate with her body up and over her head and then she is going to hold that position while I slowly lower her down the pole,” Heidi’s voice booming in my ear as she guided my body backwards.

  Surprisingly, everything was going fairly smoothly until my legs started to rotate over my head and I heard a faint but unmistakeable ripping sound emanating from the seam of my shorts as they began to lose their battle with the laws of physics, slowly succumbing to the building pressure as my legs
dangled helplessly over my head.

  If there was ever a moment in my life when I did not need a roomful of people staring at me, this was most definitely it.

  Heidi, becoming aware of my delicate condition, sped up my descent and discretely spun me around so that I eventually ended my journey sitting upright and facing the rest of the class. My face had gone crimson and sweat was pouring out of every pore of my body as Heidi said, “Let’s hear it for Anna, excellent form,” before moving back to the centre of the room in order to give me a little privacy to deal with my situation.

  Veronica leaned over to me, struggling in vain to contain her laughter as she whispered to me, “Did I just hear your shorts...”

  “Yes, yes you did,” I replied, cutting her off in mid-sentence as I spotted an exit right next to us.

  As I did my best to make a graceful exit without mooning the entire room, I decided then and there that I was hiring a personal trainer first thing the next morning.

  The thought of someday running into my friend in the mall again and having to ask for a size 10 was simply more than I could stomach.

  In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you – Leo Tolstoy

  44. After my very public humiliation, I decided that it was time to cut back on my social activities for a while and to go into hiding for the rest of the week.

  Besides, with Jonathan apparently having gone AWOL until Valentine’s Day, I figured now was the perfect time to start getting my bulbous butt to the gym on a more regular basis and to have a little ‘me time’ before my new job began to take up any of my nights.

  I’ll admit, coming home after the gym and indulging in a few glasses (or bottles on the nights that Elyse had kept me company) of red wine might not have been the ideal path to healthy living, but I had always heard that it was important to lead a balanced life.

  However, by the time Thursday night rolled around, my lack of recent quality time with Jonathan was beginning to wear on me and, as I kicked back in a bubble bath, I felt compelled to demonstrate why alcohol and cell phones so often make for a less than desirable partnership.

  As I sipped my wine, I haphazardly typed out:

  Mr. Hunter, I understand that you are a busy young man, but your services are urgently required. A sticky situation has developed with respect to my plumbing and I seem to have gotten myself all wet while trying to resolve it. Having previously conducted an extensive search for skilled workers in this field, I have determined that you are the only man that has the ability to satisfactorily resolve this issue.

  Throwing caution to the wind, I decided that my description may not have properly illustrated the urgency of emergency so I snapped a quick photo of myself with some strategically placed bubbles to clarify the situation and sent it on its way.

  After briefly succumbing to a combination of wine and exquisitely steamy water, I was eventually summoned back to consciousness when my phone vibrated violently on the edge of the tub.

  After gingerly reaching for my phone to prevent yet another iPhone from ending up in a watery grave, I eagerly cast my gaze downwards, anxious to see how my message had been received.

  I found the following waiting for me:

  Ms. Graham, thank you for capturing the urgency of your situation in such a compelling manner. I’m very aware of how hard things can become when these conditions arise and are not handled in a timely fashion. I’m actually dealing with a related issue myself at the moment that could use some hands on attention. I’m flattered that you wish to avail yourself of my services in this time of need and, if it were at all possible for me to insert myself into this matter in order to bring things to a blissful resolution, I would do so forthwith. Unfortunately, circumstances completely beyond my control dictate that the earliest I can assist will be Saturday. However, at that time, I will promptly render assistance in respect of any and all needs that you might have.

  Really? The guy can’t even pull himself away from work for a quickie?

  Not that I would ever admit to having made such a sordid suggestion.

  Not feeling particularly satisfied by his response, I tried valiantly (though perhaps unsuccessfully) to sound saucy rather than miffed as I immediately responded with the following:

  Mr. Hunter, while I do realize that you are a busy young man with many demands on your time, this is not the type of hands on customer service that I’ve become accustomed when dealing with your organization. Does your organization not offer a customer satisfaction guarantee?

  That might have been a bit harsh, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to come first.

  Or regularly…

  It didn’t take too long to find out if my last message had gotten through. A couple of minutes later, I got the reassurance I had none too subtly been searching for when I read:

  Please accept my sincerest apologies for the delay in your service schedule. If you’ll allow me to make it up to you on Saturday, I promise not only to leave you completely satisfied but, to make up for the delay, I intend to delight you in every way possible.

  Hmm, well that sounded intriguing. I suppose waiting a couple more days won’t kill me…

  Where words fail, music speaks – Hans Christian Andersen

  45. Friday came and went more slowly than a snail destined for the skillet and, by the time I finally arrived home that night after sweating off some calories at the gym, I was very ready for my self-imposed social exile to come to a conclusion.

  Unfortunately for me, my girls were otherwise occupied for the weekend. Sam had whisked Elyse away to Turks and Caicos for a romp in the sand after stowing her aboard a flight he was working while Derek had taken Veronica up to Whistler for a couple of nights.

  As such, I once again found myself lounging in a nice hot bath, wine glass firmly in hand, lamenting my long lost boyfriend’s career choice.

  I know people get busy, but when a guy can’t tear himself away from his job five nights in a row, it’s a bit of a slap in the face.

  Even more so when those five nights happen to come right after the two of you had just been together for the first time.

  Having downed a healthy amount of wine (okay, ‘healthy’ was a judgement call, but I was certainly feeling pretty good), I had reached a fairly relaxed state and I may have momentarily gotten in tune with my subconscious self (not to be confused with passing out).

  The next thing I knew, I was being roused from my slumber by the not so sweet sensations of my phone on vibrate.

  I tried my best to ignore it for a moment as reaching my arm out of the water seemed like both an unpleasant proposition and an awful lot of work.

  But, after a moment’s reflection, I realized that most of my friends were out of town or otherwise occupied and I picked it up hoping that perhaps my wayward beau might finally have found a minute of spare time to entertain me.

  As I glanced at the caller ID, I noticed that it was midnight on the dot.

  “Don’t they ever let you go home?” I purred into the phone, resolute in my determination not to say anything that was going to make me seem insecure about his recent disappearing act.

  “I know this week has kind of sucked, and I’m not happy about it either, but I’m all yours tomorrow and I’m going to make it up to you, starting right now,” he responded, sounding reasonably sincere about his statement.

  Starting now eh?

  I wasn’t sure if the tub was big enough for two, but I was definitely open to finding out.