Sammy Keyes and the Dead Giveaway

by Wendelin Van Draanen

  But during homeroom, after she read the part in the announcements where they reminded us again that all William Rose Junior High dances are closed dances where you have to be there by a certain time and then can't leave until a certain time, and that you can't get in unless you have your student ID or a special visitor pass, well, after that, she paused and a little smile crept across her face. Then she looked out at our sea of tuned-out faces and said, “I am so looking forward to chaperoning the dance tonight.”

  All of a sudden kids snap to. And Tawnee blurts out, “You know who the Class Personality winners are, don't you?”

  “Ah,” Mrs. Ambler says with a smile. “Those are in a sealed envelope in the vault in the office.” She opens her eyes wide and drops her voice like she's telling us a scary story instead of a lie. “Only Mr. Caan knows! But he tells me that there'll be some interesting surprises tonight!”

  Everyone's leaning forward, looking at her like, Really!

  “Mmm-hmmm.” She drops her voice even further. “Apparently there were some write-ins!”

  After a few seconds of wide-eyed waiting for her to say more, Heather breaks down and asks, “Write-ins who won?”

  “That's what he tells me,” she whispers. Then she straightens up and says, “I guess we'll find out tonight!”

  After that Heather could barely contain herself. And it was pretty obvious that she had spent a lot of money and time prepping for her evening of glory, too. Her hair was still flame-throwing red, but now it had dramatic blond streaks in it. And her nails were done with those fake white tips that are supposed to look real but look like fake white tips. Her eyebrows were all waxed, and she was sporting new glittery eye makeup. Even her teeth looked whiter.

  After homeroom she was so full of herself that she couldn't help it—she caught up to Marissa and me and said through an inch of lip gloss, “I'm showing up in a real limo tonight—nothing like that butch thing you classless losers are riding in.”

  I probably should've just kept my mouth shut, but what else is new? I said, “I'm sure it'll be a real memorable evening for you, Heather.”

  Now, the words were fine. But the trouble is, I couldn't help attaching a smirk to the words. “What do you mean by that?” she said, grabbing me by the arm and spinning me around. “And why are you looking like that?”

  “Why, Heather…!” I gave her a Who-me? look as I removed her hand from my arm. “If I didn't know better, I'd say you were worried about something.” I put a finger to my chin. “But no. That can't be. That's the old Heather. The new Heather's learned so much from her mistakes. The new Heather's grown so much as a human being that she wouldn't do anything that might cause her to be worried.” I smiled at her and wiggled my eyebrows. “See you at the dance tonight.” Then I linked arms with Marissa and walked away.

  “I didn't kill her bird!” she called after us.

  “I belieeeeve you!” I called back.

  “I didn't!” she shouted.

  “I belieeeeve you! Honest! I do!” Then I smiled and waved. “See you tonight!”

  For a second, nothing. Then she screamed, “I hate you!”

  I blew her a kiss.

  Ah, what wings the clean conscience brings.

  So I was in a great mood, but even after Marissa got over scolding me for egging Heather on, she was in an absolute state all day. It's been a long time since I've seen her bite her thumbnail with, as Miss Pilson would say, such voracity.

  “Stop with the cannibalism already!” I finally told her.

  “I can't believe you're not nervous, Sammy. Our first date and you're—”

  “It's not a date. It's a fun time with friends. Get over the idea that it's a date and you might actually have a thumb left in case something happens and you have to hitchhike home.”

  “Hitchhike home? Why would I have to hitchhike home?”

  I rolled my eyes. “It's a joke, Marissa.”

  “But it's not funny! I don't want to have to hitchhike home!”

  “That's still no reason to chew off your thumb.”

  She didn't think that was funny, either. “Sammy! Promise me you're not going to do something that's going to ruin tonight.”

  “Ruin it? Me? I'm not the one in danger of being hospitalized for self-mutilation.”

  So that's how it went all through school and the whole way over to her house. And once we were at her house, it got even worse. Her bratty little brother, Mikey, figured out that something important was going on and wouldn't quit harassing us. Marissa complained to Simone, their “nanny,” but Mikey still kept following us around, making stupid comments and spying on us.

  Then he let an alligator lizard loose in Marissa's room. Marissa hit the roof, then stayed on top of her bed, squealing, “There he goes!” “Stop him!” “Catch him!” while I chased after the beast on my hands and knees. That sucker was big. And any time I cornered him, he hissed at me like a cat.

  When I finally caught him, I held him tight behind the neck, cornered Mikey in his room, and shoved the lizard in his face. “Do you have any idea what this is?” I asked him through my teeth. My eyes were squinty-mean. My nose was flaring.

  “It's just an … an alligator lizard!”

  “Nuh-uh,” I said, shoving it closer so it hissed at him. “It's a barracuda lizard.”

  “Aarrrghh!” he cried, cowering farther into the corner. Then he tried to puff up a little as he said, “N-n-no it's n-n-not! It's an alligator lizard! I found him outside!”

  “Oh, but you're wrong.” I turned the lizard to the side. “See this pattern on its neck? That's how you can tell— it's a barracuda lizard.” I gave him a wicked grin. “Do you know what barracuda lizards love to eat, Mikey?”

  “F-f-flies?”

  “Nuh-uh.” My grin became downright evil. “F-f-fish.”

  Mikey's eyes got all wide 'cause if there's one thing on earth Mikey loves, it's his fish.

  “That's right, Mikey. Barracuda lizards are great swimmers. Great predators. They can pick the flesh off a fish in two-point-eight seconds. You hear what I'm saying? Two-point-eight seconds.” I eyed his fish tank and said, “Now, I'm gonna do you a favor, Mikey. I'm gonna keep this barracuda lizard in Marissa's room, faaaaar away from your fishies. If you stay out of her room, this guy stays out of your fish tank. But if you bug us again, get ready, 'cause you'll be starting a fishbone collection. No more warnings, no second chances. You got it?”

  He gulped. He nodded. Then the lizard hissed again, which made him choke on a scream and cry, “I promise!”

  Marissa had been watching from the doorway, and once we were safely in her room again, she whispered, “That was amazing!” Then she giggled, “Barracuda lizard.” Then she said, “But we're not keeping that thing in here, are we?”

  “Nah,” I said, then opened the window and put him on the wall outside.

  So we were finally able to get ready to go, which for Marissa meant tearing her entire closet apart, only to wind up in the outfit she'd laid out in the first place—jeans and a bell-sleeved shirt.

  I was actually very cool about everything until six o'clock, when we were supposed to be picked up. Then all of a sudden, all at once, I got nervous. My stomach started fluttering. My hands started getting all clammy. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked stupid. I pulled my hair back in a ponytail. Took it out. Put it back again. Took it out.

  “It looks better down,” Marissa finally told me.

  I wasn't convinced. I pulled it back again.

  “I tell you, it's better down.” She was kneeling on her window seat, looking down the street.

  I left it up anyway. “Do you have any gum?” My mouth felt all chalky.

  She found some, then went back to looking out the window. It was already six-fifteen. “Maybe they're lost?”

  “Everyone knows where East Jasmine is.”

  “Maybe they can't make it up the hill?” But then she gasped and said, “There they are! Ohmygod, look at that thing!”<
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  So I went to the window, and man, my heart was beating like it had twelve chambers instead of four.

  “Oh my God,” she said again, then she squealed, grabbed me around the shoulders, and jumped up and down. “Look at that thing!”

  It was sleek but tough-looking. Like a shark in a tuxedo. And as music from it pulsed through the neighborhood, I found myself getting more and more nervous. This wasn't just a get-together.

  This was a date.

  The chauffeur stepped out of the Hummer and went to open the back door. He was wearing a tailored black suit, only he didn't have a shirt on under his coat—just lots of gold chains where a shirt was supposed to be. He was also wearing narrow wraparound shades and had a shaved head, which made him look more like a rap star than a driver.

  “Come on!” Marissa squealed, grabbing her duffel bag.

  “What's in that?” I asked.

  “All that stuff I told you about!”

  “But—”

  “Come on!”

  “Wait!”

  She turned to face me. “For what?”

  “Aren't we supposed to let them ring the bell?”

  “Who cares! I want to get out of here before my parents get home!”

  “But—”

  She blinked at me. “Ohmygod, you're nervous!”

  My hands were pouring sweat. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Sammy!”

  The doorbell rang as I charged for the bathroom. “Oh great,” she groaned. “Now I'm gonna have to deal with Mikey and Simone and…Sammy, would you hurry?”

  I hurried. And I dried my hands real, real well. Then I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and followed Marissa downstairs, where she intercepted Simone from answering the door. “I got it, thanks!” she said.

  And all of a sudden there we were, face to face with Danny. And Casey. And Billy and Nick and Olivia. And they were all sort of craning their necks inside, looking at the high-polish way the McKenzes live. “Wow,” Olivia gasped. “You live here?”

  “Nah,” Marissa said, squeezing outside. “I rent a tent out back.”

  Danny laughed, then pointed to her gym bag. “What's in that?”

  “Ice-blocking supplies,” she said, and the funny thing is, she said it with such confidence that you'd swear the girl was an ice-blocking pro.

  “Cool!” Billy said with a goofy grin.

  “Hey, where's your harem?” Marissa asked him.

  “Waitin' for me at the dance,” he said.

  Meanwhile, Casey was trying to make eye contact with me, but I was having trouble looking at anything but my feet. “Hey,” he said softly. “You okay?”

  I nodded. A little too hard. A little too fast.

  Then I filed in behind Marissa and entered the mighty Humvee.

  TWENTY

  “This is awesome,” Marissa squealed once we were inside. “This is amazing! I can't believe this is a car!”

  The seats ran along the perimeter instead of across in benches. They were slick black leather and had compartments and speakers and cup holders behind them and actual coffee tables in between them. Everything was black or chrome and definitely high-tech.

  We all scooted in, me next to Casey; Marissa and Danny across from us; Nick and Olivia next to us; and Billy lounging across the whole backseat.

  “Where to next, m'man?” the driver said through a speaker.

  Danny keyed a button on the wall. “Just cruise, dude.”

  “Broadway? Main?”

  “Both!” Danny said back with a laugh.

  Billy clicked the televisions on with a remote but kept the volume muted. Nick turned the stereo on. Olivia leaned toward me and said, “Guys and gear — it just cracks me up.”

  I nodded and smiled but didn't know what to say.

  “Nervous?” she whispered.

  I nodded a little.

  She laughed. “Don't worry—it'll go away.”

  “Bubbly anyone?” Danny asked, and that's when I noticed the bottles of champagne in an ice bucket.

  All of a sudden I was doubly nervous. They were going to drink?

  But when he pulled a bottle out of the ice, I saw that it wasn't champagne—it was carbonated apple cider. Pretty soon everyone had pretzel sticks and cider, and I was feeling a lot better. It was just nice to have something to hold on to. Something to do.

  Then Billy started clowning around, acting like his pretzel was a cigar, hoisting his glass, and talking in an English accent. “I say there, lads and lassies, this is a bonny good batch of cider! Another round! On the house!” It didn't go at all with the CD that was thumping in the background or what was playing on TV, but that didn't matter. Billy's Billy, and there's no way TV or CDs can compete.

  Then when we were downtown cruising along Broadway, Billy hung out a window and started yelling, “Cheerio, my good man!” to old men and “God speed, fair lass!” to old ladies as we passed by. Then Casey got the bright idea that they should act like pirates, so pretty soon all the guys were hanging out the window, going, “Ahoy, matey!” and “Arg!” and “Shiver me timbers!”

  Then they really started getting carried away. Especially at red lights.

  “Yield to the Black Pearl!”

  “Move, ye lazy landlubber!”

  “All hail the sea doggies!”

  “Spare me pieces of eight, can ye?” Billy shouted at a man in an SUV next to us. The man kept looking straight ahead, so Billy said, “Nay? Well, perhaps pieces of seven then!” No reaction. “Pieces of six? Five? Four… ?” The light changed and the man pulled away fast, and Billy shouted out at the next car, “Are ye a buccaneer? Arg! That makes ye two bucks in all!”

  Marissa looked at me like, Huh?

  “A buck an ear?” I told her.

  She laughed out loud, and Olivia just groaned.

  Then our driver rolled down the glass partition and called, “Belay the chatter, ye landlubbers, or I'll keelhaul the lot of ye! Look to yer starboard side! We be chased by the Queen's own men. Handsomely now, or we'll all be tossed in the clink!”

  Danny said, “Huh?” but Casey pointed out the window and said, “Cops.”

  “Following us?” Danny asked.

  Casey nodded, and we all scooted over so we could see.

  “Oh no!” Marissa and I said at the same time.

  “What?” Danny asked.

  It was Squeaky and the Chick.

  “Those cops are idiots,” Marissa and I said at the same time. Then we both busted up.

  “How do you know them?” Casey asked.

  Before I could answer, Marissa shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Don't even ask. Just believe us—they are.” Then she yanked on Billy's shirt 'cause his head was still sticking out the window. “Billy! Get in here!”

  Squeaky and the Chick tailed us up Broadway, down Main, down Miller, and along Cook. And when we neared a turn-in to the mall, Billy scrambled forward to talk to the driver. “Go in here!”

  “Aye, aye!” the driver said, then cruised along to a passenger-unloading curb and said, “Shall I drop anchor, matey?”

  “Aye!” Billy cried, and when we'd stopped, he added, “You are one cool dude,” and jumped out of the Hummer.

  “Hey!” Danny called after him. “Where are you going?”

  Billy ran toward the big glass doors of the mall, shouting, “Don't set sail without me, mateys!”

  So while Billy disappeared inside the mall, Squeaky and the Chick left their squad car idling behind us and came around both sides of the Hummer.

  “Evening, Officer,” our driver said, rolling down his window.

  “Nice rig,” Squeaky said back. He looked in back at us, and we all sort of waved and smiled.

  “Underaged minors?” Squeaky asked the driver, one eyebrow up.

  “Hmmm,” the driver said. “They're minors, yes, sir. And that's just cider they have back there.”

  Danny held up an empty bottle. “See?”

  “Between you and I?�
�� Squeaky said to our driver. “It would behoove you to keep them contained within the inside of the vehicle.”

  “Uh, yes, sir.”

  “Very good, m'man,” Squeaky said, trying to act hip as he gave the window frame a chummy pat. Then he and the Chick headed back to their squad car.

  “Landlubbers,” the driver grumbled as he watched them in his sideview mirror. “Like I could contain you within the outside of the vehicle?”

  All of us snickered. Then Danny said to the driver, “Leave the partition down, man. You're too funny.”

  “Aye, aye, Cap'n,” he said back.

  As we watched Squeaky and the Chick zoom off, Danny asked Marissa, “So how do you guys know them?”

  Marissa took a deep breath, looked at me, took another deep breath, looked at me again.

  “It's not a big deal,” I finally said. “There were these people stealing stuff out of the old Santa Martina Railroad Office and Marissa and I—”

  “You, not me,” Marissa said.

  “You were there, too.”

  “I know, but I didn't knock them down with a shovel.”

  “Wait,” Olivia said. “You knocked those two cops down with a shovel?”

  “No! The people raiding the railroad office.”

  “What railroad office?” Casey asked.

  “You know—on the corner of McEllen and Hopper? It's all boarded up.” They just kind of stared at me, so I said, “Never mind. It doesn't matter. The point is, we wound up stopping the thieves, because those cops almost let them get away.”

  “So where's the shovel come in?” Nick asked.

  I shrugged. “We used it to block their escape route.”

  “A shovel?”

  “They could've gone under it, but they were looking over their shoulders so much they crashed right into it.”

  “Wow,” Olivia said.

  I shrugged again. “It was no big deal.”

  Billy came out of the mall wearing an eye patch, a hook hand, and a fake parrot on his shoulder. He waved a skull-and-crossbones flag as he ran toward us. “Ahoy, sea doggies! Hoist the Jolly Roger!” He clipped the flag to the Hummer's antenna and scrambled back inside. “Here ye go, mateys!” he said, passing out eye patches and skull-and-crossbones bandannas.