No Way Home
Page 31
She went back over her conversation with Dr. Lundgren in her mind. She had told him she felt responsible for what had happened to Grayson. That she was somehow to blame. And she confided to him her greatest fear—that she would have another child and that she might bring about this same sort of nightmare all over again.
Carl had answered her kindly. “You have a different husband,” he said, “and these are very different circumstances. We can never completely understand how these disorders come about, but I don’t think you should be fearful. I’ll give you the best advice I know. Don’t try too hard to be a perfect parent with this new child. When you feel afraid, ease up a little. Give yourself a break. Get some pleasure out of the experience. Nothing you can do will change the course that Grayson is on now. I know this sounds brutal, but he can’t be saved. This is clinically true. Believe me. Send him money for his expenses in here, write to him if you want. Maybe he’ll relent and see you one of these days. But there is little else you can do for him. Go ahead with your own life, Lillie, and don’t be afraid.”
Lillie sighed and shook her head. It was easier said than done. She could never convey to the doctor, or to anyone, how terrified she felt, how undeserving she felt of having another child. One of her children was dead, and the other was living out the rest of his life in prison. She had no right to try again, no reason to believe that she would do better, that her child would not suffer from her mothering.
Lillie shivered in the damp air, and she knew she should get up and go back. Go back and tell Jordan the news, that they were having a baby. That he too was being given another chance.
She could not help but remember the first time she had told him that she was pregnant. That first, frightening time, she recalled, they had been so young and so naive. He had tried to be brave and reassuring, and had said it was perfect, because they wanted to be married anyway. And then Michele had been born, so beautiful and so sick.
What would she think of all this if she knew? Lillie wondered. And almost as if in answer to her question, an image of Michele, bright-faced and laughing, pierced her gloom like a sunbeam over the lake. No, Lillie thought almost angrily, you were sick, and you suffered so. But the happy image refused to fade. And it gave off a glow that warmed Lillie from inside. She does know, Lillie thought. She’s up there on some heavenly cloud and she does know. And she’s happy for us. Lillie pressed her lips together and held back the tears. There seemed to be no end to the tears she could shed over her lost girl. Her perfect, wonderful girl, with her kindness and her loving heart. That was your child too, she reminded herself. How dare you deny her? You made a child who was as good as could be.
The sound of a car door slamming echoed out over the quiet lake. Lillie turned around and saw a pale-blue Ford through the bare trees. Bessie’s car. Jordan had come looking for her.
She got to her feet, feeling a little guilty, knowing that he would have been worried about her. He hated for her to go up to the prison alone, but she always insisted on it. And now, when she hadn’t come home right away…She peered through the trees and then she spotted him coming down the path, the collar of his leather jacket turned up against the chill. Jordan saw her at the same moment and waved. Lillie waved back. The worried frown on his face was replaced by a smile.
“You found me,” she called out.
“I saw the car,” he called back.
He was coming toward her, making his way around the lake, his jacket open, his graying hair disheveled by the breeze. His face was alight as he rushed to reach her, to get to her. He always knew where to find her. He always had.
Here comes your father, she thought. And for a second she did not know whether she was speaking in her heart to Michele or to the baby inside her. Both, she decided. She placed her hand gently over the child within her. Here he is, come to get us and take us back home.
And as she walked down the jetty, she could not help but smile at the sight of him. He was so eager to protect her, envelop her. He would cherish this baby, this second chance. They both would. Believing it would be all right was half the battle.
“I was worried,” he said. “You were late.”
“Don’t be worried,” she said. She reached out her hand to meet his. “Darling, come closer. I’ve got some good news.”