by Bowie, Emily
Luke flips me over, our connection never breaking as he pounds into me. Soon he is calling out my name, pushing in deep for one final thrust before he welcomes his release.
Our breaths scrape against each other’s neck, our bodies still tingling on top of each other. My heart is beating erratically as I overthink the situation, and for the first time, I realize we completely forgot a condom.
“Stop thinking,” Luke whispers into my ear before rolling to the side of me. I give him a forced smile as he bends down to kiss my nose. The act itself seeming too intimate for what this should all be about. We just needed to fuck this out of our systems, yet it felt anything but. This felt like lovemaking to me.
I feel the bed dip down as I watch Luke’s hot muscular ass walk into another room. I hear the tap going and water running. Sighing, I sink back down. Trying to get the voices in my head to stop. This is what it is.
“Shay, you are fucking perfect,” he compliments, kneeling down to clean me up. I try to go for the warm cloth but he pushes my hand away, shaking his head. Again, this act seems too intimate for just a one-night fuck. Which is what this was supposed to be.
“Come here.” He pulls me toward his naked chest, the cloth long forgotten on the floor, and we spoon until I fall asleep comfortably in his arms.
It’s not until I wake up in the middle of the night that I shrug out of his hold, scouring the floor for my clothes before I sneak out, never planning on returning again.
Dear Kellen,
I know you don’t want to hear this, but I tried to come see you. They wouldn’t let me in. Life is complicated, I wanted to have one of our old chats like we used to. Have I ever thanked you for your guidance before? Thank you. It might be late but I appreciate everything you have ever done for me.
Because you still won’t see me,
Sincerely yours,
Slightly older, more mature, LS
CHAPTER 41
Year Four – Graduation
Ever since I left Luke’s I’ve felt like my heart was bleeding all over again. I throw myself into my studies, the only thing I truly allow myself to concentrate on. But with each passing month Ryker has found a way to wiggle into my life. To be honest, he never left it the first night we met over a couple of drinks.
He and Raya are my two best friends, and truly, my only friends. No one else has been able to get deep enough under my skin for me to open up. Even me opening up is only surface deep, but Ryker accepts this.
“You going to ever tell me what went down when you went home?” The three of us, Raya, Ryker, and me are sitting in a dive bar drinking cheap draft. Raya has become obsessed with these little “quaint” places she loves to visit.
Raya giggles into her drink as I give her the death glare. She coughs into her drink, muffling her words, “Cobwebs are gone.” Embarrassing the hell out of me. I can’t look at either of them, so I change subject.
“Enough about me,” I tell them in-between gulps of beer. “Let’s talk about Ryker’s new girlfriend.”
Ryker is a lady charmer; he’s not a man whore by any stretch but a serial monogamist.
“No girlfriend here,” he tells me with a shrug, his eyes looking at me a little too long.
I guess they broke up.
Raya’s phone buzzes on the table, causing her to jump off her stool way too fast. “I need to get this,” she tells us, but not before I see my brother’s phone number flash onto her screen. It’s an awkward silence between Ryker and me, one that never truly existed before. But I also have never noticed him looking at me in the way he is right now.
I fix myself a smile, already starting to feel numb. It’s the easiest way to forget about Luke. It’s the only way I will survive moving on.
“Are you hungry?” he suddenly asks me, he has this large, happy grin on his face, like he just came up with an epiphany.
“We can order something if you want?” I ask cautiously, feeling like this could be a trap.
“No, let’s get out of here and actually eat some good food,” he tells me. I look over to the small window that looks like it hasn’t been washed in years. I can see Raya laughing outside on her phone as she walks in circles.
“We can get Raya on our way out,” I respond, testing to see what he is trying to get at.
“She’s going to be on that phone all night, we both have seen this with her before.”
I nod in her direction. It’s true.
“Let me buy you dinner,” he urges. I wonder how many ways he will ask me to go out without using those actual words.
“I don’t know, you know I don’t date.” I get right to the point.
“We don’t have to think of it that way, but if it goes well maybe you will consider being a date for me to my cousin’s wedding.” It’s not the first time I have heard about this wedding.
*
We did end up going for dinner. Raya excused herself, leaving us alone anyway. I told myself that a girl needed to eat, might as well do it with a friend. I liked how comfortable it was to be around him. It was easy. We could talk for hours. Do I want to rip off his clothes, no. There is no passion. But we weren’t labeling anything yet. At least not in my mind. But I knew each time Ryker and I hung out more in a dating setting he grew to want more.
I did go to the wedding with him; I used him to avoid another trip home. But being at the wedding with all of his family had me becoming incredibly homesick and drinking entirely too much, where I ended up falling into his bed. He was the first person I had slept with after Luke. At the time it felt good to have the comfort of someone’s hands on me, easing some of the loneliness I felt.
Slowly, Ryker and I hung out every day, and it ended up with me waking up in his bed often. It was a bitter cycle. I would feel lonely and when I was around him I felt loved, even with me not returning the feeling. I liked him, but I didn’t love him. Then I would wake up feeling ashamed of what I had done. I can’t call it a mistake because I kept doing it. Mistakes you learn from, I never learned anything, keeping the cycle happening.
*
School was literally everything I worked for in my life. I was on track to graduate with distinction. All of my nights of hard studying, making Ryker quiz me into all hours of the night, was a distraction as I headed for the end goal but resulted in the same lost feeling. He got into an amazing internship that would land him a fantastic job anywhere. I was considering going for my masters, mostly because I had been so focused on school I forgot what life could look like outside of it. I was scared to graduate. So I was able to skirt the issue by applying for more school. I was a professional at avoiding anything that made me uneasy.
That leads me here, with my group of friends who are celebrating an end of a chapter and going on to bigger and better things while I feel like an observer. It was this night that set in motion my next year. Looking back at it, it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
CHAPTER 42
I can’t believe I have found myself in a city where I know no one. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone to catch a glimpse of Shay. I know I am hoping for more, but I have told myself one glimpse and I will be happy.
Her walking into my life a year ago made me realize I was going about getting out of debt wrong. I found myself in with a bunch of thugs who launder money, I helped with an illegal casino and they would not think twice about murdering my ass. Shay woke me up to this realization.
I have slowly tried to distance myself, hoping that I might find myself out of the trouble I dove headfirst into.
A portion of reclaiming my life starts with me here. She would have written her last official exam today, and I wanted to experience that joy with her. Hoping that she will choose to come back to Three Rivers. I’ve waited four years for her; I would wait four more if it meant we would be together.
Brax helped me out, telling me where she had planned to spend the evening with her friends. I push out a shaky breath, pausing just before I pull open the door to the pub. I kno
w I look more confident than I feel.
Stepping inside, the place is crowded, between the music, laughter, and cheers, my ears ring with noise. Taking my time, I begin to walk through the pub, hoping when she sees me her face will light up. I feel like I will just know when I see her. I’ll know if we are meant to be or if I should move on.
Shay and I could never lie to each other; our faces would say it all before one of us could speak the words.
That’s when I see her. She is on the end of a long table, her smile doesn’t match her eyes. It breaks my heart that she is not happy. I was prepared to leave as soon as I saw her happy, seeing this, I think, is worse.
Then I notice him. He looks down at her the same way I look at her. He moves his hand from her leg and places it around her shoulders while telling her something. She laughs and looks at him over her lashes with a genuine smile. Not like the one she was wearing earlier.
I stand there taking her in. Her presence is not the same when we were younger, not as carefree, more guarded. Her friend, Raya, stands up on a chair and starts some longwinded cheers.
I know in this moment I can make her happier. We both may love her but she doesn’t love him. It’s written all over her face. I think about my life once again. I’m trapped into a dangerous life right now. The people who I deal with would not think twice about using Shay against me.
I vow to get clean and start doing business the hard way, the way I should have kept going instead of taking the easy way out. When I do, I will reclaim her. That is if she will have me.
Seeing in her face that she doesn’t love him back has me much too cocky for my own good. There is no need to know who he is or their history, because I don’t care. Time is on my side. He is nothing but a placeholder until I can claim her back. I never once thought to ask the hard question: Why is Shay with a man she doesn’t love? Instead, I slip away into the shadows, still believing that Shay is still mine when she hasn’t been mine in a long time.
*
For a moment I swore I saw Luke, then he was gone. My heart races thinking of what if. This could be my sign. Ryker and I have been talking more about the future we could have together, but what if Luke did come here? I start to push off my stool, needing to know, but Ryker squeezes my hand, tugging me back. I know in this moment he has planned to ask me to marry him right here and now.
I can see each of his small details flash before me. We had talked about this, I shouldn’t be surprised. We are good partners together, and him marrying me will allow him to inherit the family business ten years sooner than if he were never to marry.
The large karaoke screen flashes words to a song but no one is on stage to sing. As if on cue, table-by-table, people stand up singing the old song “I Got the Loving Feeling.” The whole pub is singing and looking over at our table. A few people have walked closer. That’s when I realize this looks like a flash mob singing and dancing.
The room is on fire with electricity and it is the most fun thing I have ever seen. Our table is the last one to start singing, and I watch as Ryker gets off his chair, doing the horrible moves he calls dancing in front of me. That’s when I see he has moved down to one knee and the room goes quiet.
“Shay Steele, will you marry me?”
I look up in search for Luke. The whole room’s eyes are on me, Ryker is holding out a beautiful ring. Everyone is waiting for me to say yes. Yet, can I say yes to a man whom I don’t love?
Ryker slowly gets up to his feet, the room is still hushed, waiting for my answer. He leans in telling me, “Don’t overthink this. We’ve talked about this.”
He is referring to the fact that he has enough love for the two of us. Would we have a good future together? I think so. It just wouldn’t be that passionate romance that we all love to hear about and try to have for ourselves.
“Yes.” It comes out on the tail end of my breath.
His eyes go wide like he was expecting me to say no. Then I say it louder with more conviction, “Yes.” The room cheers and clinking sounds are made like they do at weddings.
Ryker dips me in a romantic gesture, one that should steal my breath, but all I can think about is how it makes my back hurt.
Bringing me back to my feet, we hug. “Thank you,” is whispered into my ear, reminding me that this is very much like a business transaction. Neither of us are going into this blind, we know what each other wants out of this marriage.
I push down the acid turning in my stomach as I think about what I could be missing out on. I scold myself for even believing that Luke would come to me, asking me to come back home. That’s not the life I have created for myself.
Dear Kellen,
I have been doing everything you ever wanted of me. I made myself a new life. I even found someone who loves me and wants to marry me. Is it unfair of me to wish that you were here with me, to tell me that everything will be okay?
I think you would be very proud of me, and that makes me happy. I love you and will forever miss you.
Please let me see you soon,
The limited edition of Shay Steele. (Only a few months until I become someone new.)
CHAPTER 43
I think about my now prosperous ranch, needing to make a clean cut from making the wrong choices. I’m in way over my head. The only person I want to talk to is Kellen. I find myself looking up at the large federal jail and thinking how sad that this is only my second time here. I honestly have no expectation of Kellen letting me see him. Why would I be any different from his family? No one has seen or heard from him in over four years. All we heard was that his sentence was the minimum possible and he would stay in Three Rivers.
Walking in, I give my name before I am told to have a seat. When my name is called, I’m shocked. Slowly, I get up, walking to the front where I am led into another area where I am searched before being led into a larger room with benches. Kellen sits at one, looking more mature and wiser. His boyish features have disappeared, but he still has that cocky smile of his.
I nod toward him before taking a seat opposite of him. We sit there looking at each other in silence. The thought of actually talking to Kellen was never a reality in my mind so I find I’m lost for words temporarily.
“I need to ask you something,” I start out, still believing his innocence. I only have one idea of why Kellen would be in such a position, and my mind won’t let me go there.
“Don’t make me lie to you.” His eyebrow shoots up in his warning.
For the first time, I am able to connect the dots and put together myself what had happened early that morning when Cynthia was shot and killed.
I stare Kellen in the eyes, nodding, taking it all in.
“It should have been me,” I tell him, thinking back to that night. Knowing the only reason Shay was alone was because I fell asleep.
“Don’t feel bad for me,” Kellen tells me, trying to ease my guilt. “I finished high school, got a degree.” He pauses, looking around. “I would have never gone that direction if I stayed out there, man. We both know I was in a bad place. This was the best thing to happen to me in a weird roundabout way.” His eyes tell me he believes the words he’s telling me.
“I need some advice.” Admitting this is hard for me, my pride needs to take a step back. I tell him about the ranch almost being foreclosed from all of the unpaid bills, about our debt skyrocketing, and how I thought I found the solution. Only to find myself running an illegal casino with people who would not think twice about killing me. I’ve involved my sister, friends, all for the sake of succeeding. But I can’t get out now. I’m in too deep. Leaving me in the same position I was in four years ago, feeling like the only option is to walk away from the ranch. The ranch that has been in my family for decades.
Kellen listens, taking it all in, never saying a word or interrupting.
“I might be able to help you,” he finally says, looking around the room to make sure no one is actively listening to us. “I know a good guy. Give me a few weeks to see
if I can sort anything out to help you.”
I sit back into my chair. I wonder how Kellen plans on helping me when he’s in here. I had come asking his opinion on what I should do. Now I find myself accepting his help.
*
Weeks go by, the people I’m dealing with are becoming more aggressive with what they want from me. The once a month casino nights have become deeply rooted with daily side gambling. Flashy cars come into our small town, the occupants not even bothering to pretend to have another reason to be here. The town has started to ask questions.
This is how my world has evolved over the last few years. There is no longer any livestock on my ranch. The same hay bales sit where they were last dropped, breaking apart to sit idle on the ground where the scavengers get to have a feast.
In order to let go of my family dreams, I’ve also had to let go of most of my emotions. I’ve pushed Shay out of my mind, just like I keep telling myself keeping my family land in our name means more to me than the actual ranching of it.
Walking into the new barn it looks state of the art, and it is, only not for animals. Once you take a step inside your senses are filled with bells, the slap of cards, drinks hitting the tables, and murmurs. I lurk in the shadows, seeing gambling addicts who make it their life career to sit at games like this one.
The sound of metal hitting flesh and a safety click direct my eyes up to the poker game that is held on an open elevated area as a sign of hierarchy. I move toward the action, hoping no one gets shot tonight.
All eyes are on the table now, giving a good show of what not to do to all of the others in here. “He just switched a new card into the game.” I’m told as the bouncer is starting to haul the newcomer out. I know the process. He will be beaten to an inch of his life, making my stomach crawl.