by Avery Aster
Xavier draws me close to him. “You used to worry about me getting into trouble. You cared about me before I made my money, before fighting made me famous. When I watch you with Jakey…hell, you do something intense to my heart, Tessa. All I’ve ever wanted is a family. I can’t imagine any other woman I’d want to have children with.”
I’m stunned again. “Xavier, what happened was amazing. But—”
“You don’t know how you feel about me.”
“Yeah, that’s it.” Any woman would think me insane. He’s gorgeous. Perfect. Wonderful. Rich. “I need more time.” More amazing nights of sex like this and I’d want to believe I’m in love. But after loving Ryder and having to walk away from him, I need to be sure. Then I see the time on the digital clock on the coffee maker. “Oh crap, I have the morning shift at the diner tomorrow.”
“Let me take care of you,” Xavier says. “I don’t want to see you working this hard. I’d be happy to help you get through school—”
“No,” I say fiercely. Then I say, more calmly, “No. I can’t. I need to take care of myself, Xavier.”
“You need fun. You deserve to be pampered and indulged. Let me do that for you.”
I gaze into his deep, mysterious dark eyes. “I have responsibilities.”
“What about one week away with me? One week at an exotic resort.”
An exotic resort?
“Sandy beaches. Beautiful ocean views. Incredible sex day and night.”
I wish…I wish I could. But a whole week? “I’ve never left Jakey for that long. My mom couldn’t look after him—he’d be too much of a handful.”
“Doesn’t Ryder ever take him?”
“I won’t let him. He’s on the MMA circuit right now, defending his title. And when he’s not fighting, he has to do intense training.”
“You are a strong woman,” Xavier says. “But no one is strong enough to work hard and shoulder responsibility without a break. You need a holiday. How about this: if you agree to come with me to an exotic resort, I’ll take you and Jakey away this summer for a week. I’ve bought a cabin in the Adirondacks. Rustic cabin, but comfortable, on a gorgeous lake. Jakey would love it.”
“He would.”
“All you have to do is spend a week in paradise with me. We can make arrangements for someone to help your mother and take care of Jakey.”
“I don’t know. I’d like to but—” But I realize it is more than looking after Jakey that is making me hesitate. “I just don’t know if I’m ready for another relationship.”
“Ryder burned you pretty bad.”
I don’t say anything. He didn’t, really. Anyway, my problem is not what went wrong with my relationship with Ryder. My problem is all the things that were right about it.
I loved Ryder even when we split up. He loved me. But he wouldn’t do the one thing for me I really needed—tell me what happened to him in the past. Because that thing was tearing him apart.
Xavier gently presses a kiss to my forehead. “I can wait, Tessa. A long time. Just think about my offer. Come with me to paradise and I promise to fulfill your every fantasy.”
Chapter Two
Ryder
I make blueberry pancakes for Sunday breakfast. It’s Jakey’s second breakfast of the day. He started this morning with cereal, toast, and scrambled eggs when he bounded out of bed at six a.m., certain Ryder would be arriving then.
I got up, explained it was three a.m. in Las Vegas, which Jakey didn’t understand. So I fed him and collapsed back into bed. Now it’s ten, and he burned off all the energy from his first breakfast. He begged and begged for a special “brunch” for his birthday.
Pancakes are almost ready when he starts hollering from the living room. “It’s Daddy! Daddy’s here!”
I slide the last pancakes onto a plate and turn off the electric griddle. I’m wearing my dressing gown and I wrap it around me as I follow Jakey to the door.
A large blue car pulls into the driveway. Even though he isn’t allowed to go out the door without permission, Jakey is on the front lawn before I can catch him.
Ryder gets out of the car and as soon as he sees his son, his boyishly handsome face glows with delight. Ryder crosses the lawn and scoops Jakey into his arms. With his big hands firmly holding his son’s middle, he spins Jakey in a circle. Jakey, being a boy and Ryder’s child, loves every minute of it. I don’t. “Be careful,” I call. I follow them, ready to catch Jakey if necessary.
Of course, Ryder doesn’t let him go or get hurt. He captures Jakey into a hug, then lets his four-year-old son sit in the crook of his arm. Jakey clings to Ryder’s bulging bicep and broad, straight shoulder.
“How did you get here so early?” I cross my arms over my chest to keep my robe closed.
Ryder grins, flashing his melting smile, his dimples. He’s wearing torn jeans, a leather jacket, a T-shirt. Looks gorgeous as always. “Caught a flight after the fight last night.”
“Did you get any sleep?”
“Some on the plane. How are you, Tessa? You look lovely.”
“I’m wearing a robe and I haven’t brushed my hair. I doubt that.”
His turquoise eyes gaze at me with absolute sincerity. Then he bends near my ear and whispers, “You are always lovely. Right now, you look like the ultimate sex kitten. The way you look when you first wake up always drove me wild.”
I don’t want to think about him being driven wild. After the Friday night session with Xavier, I’m more confused than ever. So I talk about something relatively mundane. “Come inside, Ryder. I made pancakes for Jakey this morning. He’ll love it if you have breakfast with him.”
They eat pancakes at the kitchen counter. Behind them are the patio doors that lead to our backyard with the pool, which is still under the cover since it is early May. Spring in New Hampshire is usually filled with sun, flowers, and blossoms on the trees, but this one has been freakishly cold and filled with rain.
Watching Ryder eat there, the way he used to when he lived here, when we were together, gives my heart a lurch.
I’ve been devoted to Ryder since I was twelve. I even, and I blush to admit it, followed Ryder to college. I thought that was when he finally noticed me. But Xavier said he’d noticed me when I was fifteen, and Ryder had done so before that. I’d never guessed…
If Ryder has changed, would I want him back?
If he doesn’t change, I can’t take him back. I know that is what I have to do.
I sip my coffee, wondering what in heck I really do want. Sex with Xavier was like wrapping my arms around heaven.
But now that I’m in my kitchen with Ryder…?
Even the way he cuts his pancakes is sexy.
Ryder takes a slug of coffee. “I’m going to take Jakey to an indoor fun park for his birthday. Why don’t you come too, Tessa?”
“I shouldn’t. This is your party—your time with Jakey. I’ve already had my party with him.”
“Does that matter?” he asks softly. “You can’t tell me you wouldn’t enjoy another party with Jakey. More parties with our son have to be better.”
“That’s true, Mommy,” Jakey adds. His huge green-blue eyes—a young, irresistible version of Ryder’s eyes—gaze at me. “Please come too, Mommy.”
“Okay.” How can I say no?
Fortunately, Jakey needs someone to help him play all the amusement park type games, to be his opponent for air hockey and indoor mini golf, and to climb around on the huge indoor jungle gym. I get to read and sip coffee while Ryder gets to be the athletic parent. Basically because he is the athlete.
I brought my e-reader, but I’m really not looking at it. I keep watching Jakey having fun. And I can’t help but watch Ryder.
He moves like a predator—sleek, sinuous, dangerous. Everything he does in the jungle gym highlights his strength, his power, his unbelievable body. As he clambers through the huge play structure, all his muscles flex, making various amazing bulges under his T-shirt. It makes me quiver inside when I
watch him climb using just his powerful arms.
We’ve been separated for a year, and I’m still so confused. I had my first sexual experience with Ryder. He knew what he was doing, I was hot and ready, and it was amazing to be able to do everything I’d ever fantasized about with the guy I loved. I married Ryder. I had his baby.
There’s so much to tie us together.
And so much that drove us apart.
After an afternoon spent playing and climbing, we eat pizza, then Jakey squeals in delight over the cake Ryder had made—in the shape of a fire-truck with bright red icing, licorice wheels and marzipan Dalmatians. Finally, after eight, Jakey tumbles into bed, half-asleep before his head hits the pillow.
For the second night in a row, I’m standing beside a man, tucking my happy son into bed. I’m just as tense and aware as I was with Xavier, but for different reasons.
I close Jakey’s door and when I turn, Ryder is standing right there. He’s a lot taller than me—a little taller than Xavier—and he bends so his lips brush my forehead when he says, “I miss this. I miss you. I wish we could…go back.”
I step back. My heart is pounding and my body is tense. I’m afraid of confrontation. But I’m also too tired to deal with emotion right now. “We can’t. You kept pushing me away, Ryder. I finally realized we really do need distance between us. We can’t live together. We tried it and it didn’t work. Aren’t you happier now?”
“Emptier,” he says, his voice raspy.
“But no one pushes you to talk or open up. Everyone in your world now does exactly what you want.”
He winces and I feel guilty over what I said. That was the topic of one of our last fights. I lived daily with the fallout of whatever had happened to him in the past and I figured that gave me a right to know. But he would never talk to me.
“Would it help if I told you I was scared? The whole time we were married,” he says.
I stare into his turquoise eyes, at his good-looking boyish face. “You’re a professional fighter. How could you have been scared? What did you think I was going to do to you?”
“Leave me.”
Which is what I did, in the end. “Because you told me I had to put up with all the crap—your anger, your reckless behavior, and your pain—and you wouldn’t let me do anything about it. I just couldn’t live with the fear I was going to set you off, make you angry.”
His face is half in shadow. He looks older and he does look empty. “I’ve changed, Tessa. I’ve learned how to control my anger.”
“That’s not enough.”
“Why isn’t it enough?”
“I can see it in your eyes, Ryder. The anger’s still there. Just hiding it isn’t going to help either of us. Or Jakey. You need to stop being angry.”
He runs his hand over his ultra-short blond hair. I know no one else does this to him. He’s tough and he’s famous. Everyone else sucks up to him. I’m the only one who challenges him. “I’m trying to stop being angry.”
I shake my head. I don’t believe it. “What happened to you that made you so full of rage?” I can’t understand it. I knew his parents, who were nice people. He grew up in an upper middle-class household. His parents were kind of distant with Ryder, dedicated to their careers, but I never felt they’d hurt him. Admittedly, after he went to college, then became an MMA fighter, they moved away. Ryder’s choice to fight seemed to create a rift between them. For example, his parents have only seen Jakey twice, because they’re always traveling around the world.
But I think whatever haunts him, torments him, goes back further than that. When we were married, Ryder changed. I started to see rage seething in him. I saw how it consumed him, I was stunned. And scared.
“It had nothing to do with you,” he says.
“I was the person there. The person who had to live through it.”
Pain flashes across his face. “I never took out my anger on—”
“Not on me or Jakey. But you let it explode around us. Don’t you remember the kitchen?”
“That was when you said you were going.”
I frown. “It was before I said that. It was why I said that.”
He quickly says, “You’re right. I’m sorry. I lost control, I scared you, and I had no right to do that. But I’ve changed, Tessa.”
“I can still sense something sizzling inside you—and I think its anger. Still.”
He’s pacing in the hallway. “Being away from you made me realize there is something stronger inside me than anger.”
He comes to me. Runs his fingers lightly over my hair. I’ve seen his hands do incredible damage to other fighters, but when he touches me it is always with astounding gentleness. Well, except when he would fuck me hard when I wanted it that way.
His gaze holds mine. “Desire for you. I love you, Tessa.”
“I never doubted that. But you expect something totally different out of love than I do.”
He cups my face. “I’ll never forget the day I asked you to marry me, and you said yes. Do you regret it, Tessa?”
“No, of course I don’t.” Our marriage gave me Jakey. And I loved Ryder passionately. We had magical moments together. Those are memories I’ll treasure in my heart forever.
“Just because we couldn’t make it work doesn’t mean I regret that we tried.” I touch his wrist and push lightly, to let him know he has to let me go.
I expect he will. He always respects things like that—
He leans in and his mouth touches mine.
Ryder would never do this. Kiss me or touch me if I didn’t want it.
I should move back, making it clear he has to stop. But he’s never kissed me like this. It feels…vulnerable.
I suspect if I pull back, it will break his heart.
Kissing me, he leans against the wall, pulls off his T-shirt, revealing his strong chest, the elaborate dragon tattoo that coils around his right side. I can feel the warmth of his skin. Smell his sexy, Ryder-scent.
His bare chest is so close to me. All I have to do is touch him.
I’m scared to. Scared I won’t be able to stop—
He deepens the kiss, his tongue caressing mine. Then he draws back. “Remember the first time we made out, Tessa?”
It was at Yardley College, after our first date. Ryder had asked me to a movie. He was training and fighting while trying to take college courses. He was gorgeous, buff, desired by a lot of girls at Yardley.
“Remember the first time we made love?”
In his dorm room, while his roomie was out at party. Remembering that night—the first time he went down on me, the first time he was on top of me in his bed, thrusting his huge cock in me—I’m weak in the knees.
His mouth covers mine, firm and hot. I’m melting into his kiss. I loved him so much…
Is it really ‘loved’? Do I still love him? Or am I falling for Xavier? Oh God, I don’t know.
Ryder unzips his jeans and steps out of them, and never breaks off from kissing me. Out of the corner of my eye I see his sculpted chest, rock-hard abdomen, the tight indents of his haunches, his long muscular legs. I’ll never forget touching his naked body for the first time.
He presses me up against the wall, nuzzles my neck.
That always makes me surrender.
“I love you,” he murmurs. “Being with you—that was the best time of my life.”
“Better than being a champion?” I can’t help asking the question.
“Yes,” he says. “You and Jakey are the best things in my life.”
His erection, rigid and demanding, presses against my belly through my jeans.
“Let me prove I’ve changed, Tessa. Let me come back for a while. Spend some time with me.”
“Ryder, just tell me the truth. What happened to you that hurt you so much?”
He steps back. “Babe, if I don’t let it affect me—if I don’t let that touch you and Jakey—why does it matter what happened?”
Why is he so reluctant to tell me? “Did y
ou do drugs? Commit a crime? Hurt someone?” I whisper.
“Is that what you think? Don’t you know me better than that? I’d never hurt anyone.”
But he was so filled with rage. He almost tore the kitchen apart once. I got home with Jakey to find it in shambles, with broken chairs, pots, food and cutlery all over the floor. Ryder was sitting in a corner, actually crying. That scared the hell out of me.
“Let me in, Ryder.”
“You don’t want to be in,” he says. He’s naked and gorgeous. His erection is subsiding, I realize. “Tessa, I can’t talk about it. I don’t want you or Jakey to know. That’s the truth. But why do I have to be punished forever for the past? Why are you doing that to me? It—it wasn’t my fault. Why do I have to pay for it forever?”
“If I take you back, you’ll never tell me what happened.”
“I can’t.”
Can I do it? Move on and accept that I’ll never know? Is it fair to punish him for the past, whatever it is?
But is it fair that I don’t know what demons he’s facing? Because I have to fight them too.
He picks up his clothes. Starts walking away. Then he stops, gorgeous and nude, his clothes balled under his arm. “I’ve got another fight in about a week’s time. I should get on the road. I’m sorry, Tessa.”
I follow him downstairs and he’s pulling on his jeans. I don’t stop him because I don’t know if I should.
I’ve realized I’m not over Ryder yet. But he will never give me what I need.
On Friday, I made love with Xavier. Today I kissed Ryder and realized I still want him. I can’t believe I’m being so…wanton, wicked, slutty. I mean, I knew girls at college who would have been thrilled to have sex with Xavier first, then Ryder. I knew girls who fantasized about having sex with both at the same time.
But that would have been way too wild for me to even think about. Then.
I can’t resist thinking about it now. Oh God, the thought is so hot I go to the master bathroom to take a cold shower.
* * *
The invitation arrives the next day.
I’m making dinner in the kitchen with my mother when the doorbell rings. I answer it and sign for the large manila envelope. Tearing it open, I find a gold embossed envelope inside. The paper is thick and cream colored. Inside there is an invitation—heavy paper, beautifully colored with a picture of a beach, white sand, framed with a spray of exotic orchids in pink, yellow, and white with dabs of bold red.