Diary of a Grumpy Old Git

by Tim Collins

  After Jen had accumulated an armful of carrier bags, we walked slowly down the street and popped into Starbucks. I waited in the queue while Jen dashed over to grab the last remaining free sofa. The man in front of me, who was on his own, turned round and scowled.

  I had to order Jen a ‘Grande skinny mocha Frapuccino with no cream’ and I didn’t even feel like punching myself in the face. Something very odd is going on.

  SUNDAY 21ST APRIL

  I saw that little kid who stole my phone this morning. He was sitting on a bench and playing a hip hop track through the speakers of it. Not only was he inflicting his horrendous tastes on everyone, but he was doing it with something that didn’t belong to him. I should have held him in a headlock until the police arrived, but I couldn’t be bothered. Why not let him have the phone? He looked like he was getting a lot more enjoyment out of it than I ever did. I even found myself smiling and saying ‘good morning’ as I passed.

  He looked up at me and shielded his eyes from the sun. ‘Piss off, you paedo,’ he said, before turning his attention back to the phone.

  Ah, the younger generation. What a pleasant place this world will be when they’re in charge.

  As you might have guessed, I’m going out with Jen now. I know the phrase ‘going out’ makes us sound like teenagers snogging in a bus shelter, but I can’t think of a better one. I could say we’re boyfriend and girlfriend, but I’m not a boy any more and she’s not a girl, though she looks a lot younger than me. I could say we’re ‘in a relationship’ but that sounds too formal, and brings back horrendous memories of serious discussions with Sarah.

  So here’s the thing. I started writing this diary to see how long I could stick with it. And to my surprise, I kept it going for almost four months. But it contains a number of unfortunate remarks about Jen, based on my misguided first impressions. I don’t want her to see them, so I’m going to read this diary through once more, then take it out into the garden and burn it. And after that I’m going to get on with the decking and watch my Sopranos box set.

  I was just about to start reading the diary again when I got some new Facebook notifications. Jen has tagged us in some photos she took yesterday. An old friend who I haven’t seen for years commented, ‘I can’t believe how great Sarah looks in these – even better than she did when I knew you!!! Lucky bastard.’

  God, I hope Sarah saw that.

  I’ve read the diary through again and I think it’s time to put it out of its misery. Looks like I won’t be recording my gripes for the rest of the year, although I’m guessing that summer will be too wet and Christmas decorations will go on sale too early. I doubt I’ll miss it, though. I’ve already done enough ranting for one year.