The Thackery T Lambshead Pocket Guide To Eccentric & Discredited Diseases

by Unknown

  Treatment is largely palliative, and requires giving the subject continuous access to a variety of diagnostic devices—with the understanding that no two devices measuring the same factor should ever be given to the patient—the man with two watches never knows what time it is. Great care should be exercised to provide the most accurate instrumentation possible.

  Caveat

  Dr. Fillipo and the BANT clinic will file worldwide, far-reaching patent applications for commercial uses of PID, including teleportation, time-travel, and low-cost air-conditioning. Primary and clinical health practitioners are cautioned not to attempt any commercial exploitation of PID sufferers without the future permission of the BANT clinic.

  Submitted by

  DR. CORY DOCTOROW

  Cross References

  Chrono-Unific Deficiency Syndrome; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Twentieth-Century Chronoshock

  PENTZLER’S LUBRICIOUSNESS

  Country of Origin

  This condition is found only in isolated villages of the Pintzgau Saalach Valley region in Alpine Austria.

  First Known Case

  The nature of this illness led to its treatment as a shameful secret and, with the collusion of village doctors, the cause of death was ascribed to other factors, commonly bears or rock falls. The condition is named after Otto Pentzler, born in Aasbach-Pintzgau in 1785. It was Pentzler who dared to admit his illness openly and to venture away from the inward-looking world of the Alpine villages. In doing so, he brought this condition to the attention of the world’s medical establishment.

  Symptoms

  Pentzler’s Lubriciousness is—or rather was, as I shall explain below—an incurable form of Satyriasis. It produces a permanent state of erotic arousal in the (exclusively male) sufferer, accompanied by distressingly prolific amorous discharges. As the condition progresses, the frequency of these discharges increases until the sufferer is in a permanent state of climax. Death inevitably follows soon after this paroxysmic point, from a combination of fatigue and heart failure.

  Dr. Sarah Goodman’s dismissal of Pentzler’s Lubriciousness as a purely psychological complaint is unwarrantable quackery, although perhaps only to be expected of someone whose medical qualifications are of such dubious provenance. Years of scientific research employing my own techniques of genito-aetheric kinetography have indisputably demonstrated the existence of this disease.

  History

  When stricken down with this condition, most sufferers retreated into the woods, hiding themselves from their families in shame, and awaiting the inevitable climax of the disease. Pentzler, however, was inspired to put his illness to good use and secure his family financially long after his inevitable death from ejaculatory spasm. In an arduous and astounding journey (well documented in my book Otto Penzler’s Priapic Pilgrmage, available from all quality booksellers), Pentzler hobbled awkwardly all the way to Moscow, and was within minutes of gaining an introduction to Catherine the Great that surely would have made his fortune, but, sadly, a passing dray horse kicked him to death before he could capitalize on his plight.

  Cures

  The only cure known at present is the complete and immediate removal of the entire sexual apparatus. Although drastic, and not without causing a certain amount of distress to the patient, this surgery can allow the patient to live a normal, if asexual, life—if performed soon after the symptoms reveal themselves. Patients must ensure that, after recovering from surgery, they take possession of their removed organs: a number of unscrupulous surgeons have been known to sell these on the Chinese medicine market, where there is a huge demand for the organs in powdered soup form as an aid to flagging virility and a cure for baldness.

  However, I am pleased to announce in the pages of this almost prestigious publication that after years of careful research I have come to the conclusion that my program of electro-static stimulation will be as applicable to the treatment of Pentzler’s Lubriciousness as it has been proven to be for pleurisy of the libido (and contrary to Goodman’s libelous suggestions, the patient who died during electro-static stimulation in treatment for that condition suffered a heart attack coincidental to the treatment process, as anyone with a gift for medicine would realize). This astounding breakthrough will surely convince even those who are in the habit of blinding themselves to the most incontrovertible evidence when it is laid before them, and will benefit the many men who otherwise would be compelled to sacrifice their manhood in order to save their lives. It should be noted that electro-static stimulation is a very costly process (which I operate at a loss, I must stress, contrary to the allegations made by Dr. Csestervic—allegations founded more in cheap brandy than truth), and that patients will be required to provide the normal collateral in the form of deeds to property, etc., in order to benefit.

  Submitted by

  DR. IAIN ROWAN

  Cross References

  Di Forza Virus Syndrome; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Female Hyper-Orgasmic Epilepsy; Fruiting Body Syndrome

  POETIC LASSITUDE

  Pyrexia Poetica; also known as De Quincey Syndrome. Iambic Langour, Black Plapsy, or Sapphic Trench

  Country of Origin

  Uncertain, but probably Ancient Greece

  First Known Case

  Claiming a first instance of this pernicious disease is tenuous and to do so would be dishonest, since the ailment is very ancient. Accounts vary and are sketchier the further back we try to examine them. However, the Roman poet Juvenal (circa A.D. 112 to 130) was almost certainly a sufferer. A major outbreak occurred in Europe during the Middle Ages but it was not until the mid-nineteenth century that we were able to identify a set of concomitant symptoms to which we could give a name.

  Symptoms

  Victims become preoccupied and introspective. They are often found wandering the countryside and mountain fastnesses staring at tiny flowers. In many cases, they are attracted to water and will be discovered gazing limpidly into a still pool or mill-pond. A victim may dress eccentrically and lie on a chaise-lounge for days, sighing. Drug and drink use often accompanies Poetic Lassitude, which only serves to compound the symptoms and make attempted diagnoses even more difficult. Typically, the disease may manifest itself in oblique statements. In the famous John Cooper Clarke case of 1979, the victim was heard to say: “I remain convinced that long periods of idleness are essential to creativity.”

  The victim’s only positive action during the disease’s primary and secondary stages is to scribble, sometimes recite, verse. Examination of this work is in itself exhausting and may lead to cross-infection. The content of it may be very powerful, where it is comprehensible. The victim may seek out other victims of the disease or may cause the disease to break out in susceptible or borderline cases previously free of symptoms. In the tertiary stages of Poetic Lassitude, the sufferer becomes completely useless as a human being, a drain on his friends’ and his family’s resources, and a cause of bankruptcy to his publishers. Unable to feed himself, he is at last only capable of dressing, arranging his hair, and perhaps applying a modicum of eye makeup. This process may take hours, until with one languorous sigh he finally expires or simply fades away. In England, where dead poets are much more valuable than live ones, what literary estate he has left may suddenly become a source of revenue to anxious creditors seeking remuneration. It is scant compensation, however, for the distress and inconvenience that his symptoms bring to others during his short but wretched lifetime.

  History

  During the mid-nineteenth century, with a strong Christian work ethic gaining ground in England, a number of physicians to the Great Houses reported increasing instances of a new ailment: The children brought up in the relative affluence of these country houses were struck down in adolescence or early adulthood by what we now know as Poetic Lassitude. The ailment often afflicted the eldest son or scion of the family. This alarmed both noble families and the newly-rich industrialists, since money spent on a private education would now be wasted. Even worse, wit
h the principal heir to the family’s business and colonial wealth incapacitated, who would run estate and empire when its creator stood down?

  The Royal College of Physicians was stumped. Attempted cures at the time were crude and often brutal. Such cures involved beating the sufferer with oaken staves, subjecting him to a protracted regime of cold showers and cross-country running, or sometimes, giving him an obscure job in the Patent Office, as happened to A.E. Housman. Housman, in this case, survived. Most sufferers simply resorted to self-murder, and in 1898 the physicians recognized that Poetic Lassitude couldn’t simply be beaten out of its victim and ceased the practice. Between the two world wars, electric shock treatment was experimented with but discontinued after it became clear that it only exacerbated the symptoms. Since the late 1980s, Poetic Lassitude is no longer as prevalent as it once was. The removal of large tracts of English countryside for the building of shopping emporia seems to have limited the sources of infection. Poetic Lassitude, like Leprosy and Bubonic Plague, is now seen as a somewhat archaic complaint and research funding is almost impossible to obtain in the current climate. A small body of modern medical opinion still urges vigilance, however. We may not have seen the last of it.

  Cures

  None known. (Poetic Lassitude may also mimic the symptoms of Opiated Whimsy or Unrequited Love. Test for both of these ailments first. The cures for these last two should never be attempted where Poetic Lassitude is suspected.)

  Submitted by

  DR. MARTIN WESLEY NEWELL, F.R.C.D., GREAT BRITAIN

  Cross References

  Bloodflower’s Melancholia; Diseasemaker’s Croup; Ebercitas

  POST-TRAUMATIC PLACEBOSIS

  Country of Origin

  United States

  First Known Case

  June 2001. Horace Volf, age 38, a resident of New York City. Married. Two children, a boy age nine, a girl age seven, both symptom-free as of this writing. No prior family history. Volf, who describes himself as “a working poet,” supplements a meager income though a wide variety of freelance assignments, including employment as a generic nose model for many plastic surgeons, a sperm and blood donor, a street peddler, a can and bottle gatherer (in New York, discarded cans and bottles may be redeemed at a current rate of five cents per item), a designer of Web sites, a substitute high-school English teacher, a frequent paid participant in pharmaceutical testing programs, etc.

  Symptoms

  Mr. Volf sought help at the St. Gottfried Clinic for the Uninsured at the urging of family members. At first, his problems seemed to be rooted in mental illness. He reported irresistible urges to exercise, preferably on devices like stationary bicycles, stair-steppers, and treadmills rather than more social participation in games like tennis, golf, or squash. A former smoker and heavy drinker, Volf renounced all abusive substances, controlled and uncontrolled. Once a heavy consumer of meat, poultry, fish, and cheese, Volf had restricted his diet to soybeans and sesame seeds. His liquid intake consisted of bottled water originating in Alpine glaciers. No stimulants were ingested. In public and in private, he reacted violently to anyone he found indulging in lifestyles he considered opposed to his own. He affirmed his conviction that such persons gave off dangerous secondary miasmas and mists that might contain lethal bacteria or viruses. His negative behavior toward those he termed “carriers” was in sharp contrast to an active worship of Asians, whom he often alienated by calling Orientals. He renounced Christianity and embraced a Buddist-Shintoist-Hinduist ethic. His interest in lyrical epic poetry was replaced with a devotion to the haiku form.

  Volf’s most dramatic symptom was his absolute impatience with the concept of mortality. He had come to regard death as indulgence and ran afoul of the law because of attacks on chapels, crematoriums, undertaker parlors, hospitals, and morgues. He developed a passion for tipping tombstones and defacing mausoleums with obscene graffiti. Aside from these anomalies, he appeared to be in excellent physical health. His psychiatric profile was impeccable. Still, as a precautionary measure, because of his erratic behavior, the examining psychiatrist proscribed a variety of tranquilizing medications that produced no salutary effect and caused chronic constipation.

  Volf was discharged from the Clinic, but was readmitted shortly thereafter when he was caught attempting to melt down an obese associate on a barbecue spit, which action, he insisted, was, arguably, “for the person’s own good and the benefit of society.” It was during this confinement that the patient came to my attention.

  Diagnosis

  Volf was not a cooperative subject. He quickly noted that I myself am a man of considerable girth, addicted to foul-smelling cigars, a user of large quantities of morphine and crack cocaine, a known guzzler of vintage wines, and the author of many articles and pamphlets including “How to Kill a Personal Trainer,” “The Mayhem of Pilates,” “Aerobic Recidivism,” “The Gloating Yogi,” etc. etc. etc. (many of which are available through Amazon.com). I am also a notorious breaker of wind. Many of my best and most devoted patients tell me my only virtue is my acceptance of Medicare, Medicaid, and HMO fees in full payment for my expert services.

  What kept Volf in my examining room was the impressive array of diplomas, awards, and certificates displayed on my wall. He was also enchanted by the naked pictures of my lovely wife, a former Ms. America, kept in tasteful silver frames on a shelf behind my massive Chippendale desk. Fortunately for Mr. Volf, he agreed to an extensive battery of tests evasive and non, and allowed me access to his private diaries. The tests revealed an extraordinarily efficient immune system that dispatched intruding organisms and toxins with amazing alacrity. The diaries revealed that, during Volf’s exposure to numerous experiments with newly developed chemicals, medicines, food additives, and vitamin supplements, he had always been placed in the placebo segment of the sample. Volf had never once been injected with or given anything more potent than pasteurized apple juice. It became obvious that Volf was plagued with old-fashioned survivor’s guilt since most of the test subjects died after suffering distasteful deterioration.

  After many months, I succeeded in devising a method of compromising his Herculean immune system to the point where a snotty child across the street was enough to give the man resistant pneumonia. I also induced terminal impotence, which caused anxiety and depression enough to neutralize Volf’s extreme arrogance. He returned, limping, to a grateful wife and happy children, a man facing new horizons of rejection and fully accepting of, even eager at, the prospect of his own eventual demise. As a result, what is popularly known as Volf’s Law has become part of the Federal Drug Administration’s guidelines for product testing: By Act of Congress, No potential statistic shall be permitted to receive a placebo during more than one clinical trial in any given year. On the day that law was passed (unanimously) I felt what can only be described as wonderful (except for a slight rectal spasm).

  Submitted by

  DR. HARVEY JACOBS

  Cross References

  Diseasemaker’s Croup; Espectare Necrosis; Twentieth-Century Chronoshock

  POSTAL CARRIERS’ BRAIN FLUKE SYNDROME

  Cerebral Infestation by Tubifex Corbellis, a Parasitic Fluke of the Class Trematoda

  Vectors of Contagion

  Since 1996, Postal Carriers’ Brain Fluke has been widely reported in the greater Los Angeles area. A thorough documentation of this microscopic flatworm is now being assembled at the Atlanta Center for Disease Control. The life cycle of the PCB fluke follows a well-established scenario. To trace the stages of the cycle, we may begin with a specimen of the worm’s primary host at the onset of mortality.

  In a grimy industrial district, in the dead of night, a postal carrier in a pale blue uniform lies dead, slightly steaming, on the pavement.

  The prefrontal glial matter of this corpse harbors hundreds of female flukes bearing egg sacs. These mother flukes drill their way through the optic fossae and congregate in the corpse’s eyes—specifically, in the fluid of the anterior chamber behind the
cornea. Here the females swarm and die, releasing, as they do so, millions of free-swimming ciliated miricidia. A sip of this infected fluid is gratefully consumed by a passing cockroach (Blatodea Occidentalis). (If something else gets to the eyes first—blackbirds or feral cats or the city coroner—the worm’s life cycle is short-circuited. But parasites love to play the long shots.)

  The miricidia migrate to the cephalic ganglia and cloaca of the host roach. The roach experiences a sudden overwhelming compulsion to expose itself to a light source, usually a street lamp, and to caper about as if poisoned.

  A pigeon (Columbidae Americanis) observes the frenetic movements of the roach, swoops down, and makes a meal of it. Inside her gullet, the doomed insect evacuates its bowels. On the following day, miricidia appear in the pigeon’s bloodstream. Many of them merge into a redia, a shapeless body lodged within the avian pituitary gland.

  The redia manufactures masses of larval cercariae. Propelled by their thrashing tails, the cercariae migrate to the midfundibular esogeum of the pigeon’s neck. I will refrain from relating the anatomical path that the larvae have established for this journey, since it’s just as needlessly over-elaborate as everything else about the PCB fluke.

  The pigeon feels impelled to strut obnoxiously in front of the mangiest mongrel dog that she can find (Canis Familaris). Then she flies at the dog and claws his nose. The dog, quite naturally, rips her throat out. For his trouble, he gets a mouthful of bird skin, feathers, and cercariae. Battling the mammalian immune system at every step, these intrepid invaders wriggle their way to the dog’s brain stem and liver.

  As the cercariae devour connective tissue and phagocytes, they bud off the sexual generation of the fluke—adult males and adult females displaying the traditional backwards-torpedo design so beloved by trematodes everywhere. The females traverse the canine lymph system, infiltrate the large muscle groups of the shanks, and encyst themselves.