A Toaster on Mars

by Darrell Pitt

  ‘Me?’

  ‘I’ve got to helm the ship.’

  Goyle disappeared back through the hatch as Blake grabbed the control. ‘How far back do I have to pull it?’

  ‘I’ll tell you when to stop,’ Goyle yelled.

  Blake grasped it hard and pulled. Nothing happened. He dragged back on it with all his might until he felt his face growing red.

  Nothing.

  ‘It’s not moving!’

  ‘Have ye disengaged the brake?’

  Blake looked down and cursed. He pushed a lever aside.

  ‘Try again!’ Goyle yelled.

  This time the crank moved begrudgingly towards Blake. Sweat ran down his face and into his eyes. The ship was shuddering and the heat intensifying. Smoke poured past the window.

  ‘More, lad! We need another twenty degrees on the column or we’re dead.’

  Sprot, Blake thought. It’s now or never.

  He applied every bit of force he could to the lever. It was slippery with his sweat, but somehow he clung on. His whole body shook with effort.

  ‘We need another fifteen degrees!’ Goyle cried. ‘We’re burning up!’

  Blake had used up every last bit of strength he had, but now he saw the control mechanism inching back towards its starting position.

  ‘The air resistance is pushing it out of alignment,’ Goyle screamed. ‘We’re finished! Finished!’

  Blake thought of Lisa.

  He applied every last iota of strength—and for the briefest of moments he was able to stop the lever from moving back into position. Then, heartbreakingly, it started to draw away from him again as smoke filled the cabin and the interior began burning up.

  That’s it, he thought. I’ve done my best, but we’re done.

  I’m sorry, Lisa.

  Then a golden hand reached out of nowhere and grasped the shaft.

  ‘Will someone turn on the air-conditioning? This heat is destroying my hair.’

  ‘Nicki!’

  She grabbed the shaft with her other hand and pulled.

  ‘I thought you were dead!’ Blake said.

  ‘That EMP didn’t do my circuitry any good,’ Nicki said, as she pulled back on the shaft. ‘But my human side was able to initialise my cybernetic repair protocols. I’m only operating at twenty per cent, but I’ll be right as rain in a week.’

  They turned their attention to the shaft. With Nicki’s assistance, the lever started to pull back again.

  ‘We need another seven degrees,’ Goyle screamed. ‘Come on, ye landlubbers! Pull back, blast ye!’

  ‘I knew we should have thrown him out the airlock,’ Blake muttered.

  ‘There’s still time,’ Nicki said.

  ‘Five degrees…four degrees…three…’ Goyle paused. ‘That’s it! The wings are level! I’ve locked them.’

  The control stick loosened in their hands.

  ‘We’re gliding,’ Goyle cried. ‘We’ve done it!’

  Exhausted, Blake and Nicki made their way back to the bridge.

  ‘So we’re saved,’ Blake said, grinning. ‘We’re going to live.’

  ‘No,’ Goyle said. ‘We’re still finished.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘All we’ve done is adjusted our angle of pitch,’ Goyle said. ‘I still need power to land.’ He slammed his fist on the console. ‘We’re as dead as a dodo.’

  Zeeb says:

  It must be pointed out that dodos are not actually extinct. An enormous colony of them exists on Qangus Four as a result of a crashed spaceship and a love affair gone wrong. Anyway, that’s another story.

  ‘You boys are forgetting my electrifying personality,’ Nicki said, reaching behind her hair and pulling out an extension lead. ‘Where do I plug in?’

  A few minutes later, Goyle had the ship restarted and the engines operational—or what passed for operational. The vessel shuddered and weaved, but that may have been Goyle’s usual manner of flying. The Rancid Cat came in to an untidy landing on the edge of a red hill.

  ‘We’ve done it again,’ Goyle said, patting the control panel. ‘We’re still the best ship this side of Qualargus Prime.’

  Blake and Nicki exchanged glances.

  ‘Don’t say it,’ Blake said.

  ‘It’s not worth it,’ she agreed, turning to Goyle. ‘Do you know where we are?’

  ‘Robot lass, we’re on Mars.’

  ‘That’s Agent Steel,’ Nicki said, through clenched teeth, ‘and can you be a little more precise?’

  ‘We’re very close to the bilge rat.’

  ‘Is that a pub?’ Blake asked.

  ‘No! It’s the slimy pirate you’ve been chasing,’ Goyle explained. ‘Bartholomew Badde.’

  ‘What? Where is he?’

  ‘His ship’s about three miles east of here. There’s also a building nearby, some kind of bunker.’

  ‘Badde could be at either location,’ Nicki said.

  ‘Then we need to split up,’ Blake said. ‘Nicki, you go to the ship. I’ll take the building. Goyle, you stay here.’

  They started for the door.

  ‘How will we stop Badde?’ Nicki asked.

  ‘I wish I knew.’

  Blake breathed in deeply as he made his way up the ancient riverbed. A million years ago the ancient waters of Mars would have run freely along this channel. Now it was bone dry. On both sides, low-lying shrubbery dotted the dusty plains. A single tree sat on the horizon.

  Rounding a hill, he saw the building, a rectangular concrete structure without windows, and a door at one end. Goyle had been right in describing it as a bunker. If it was a home, it was the most unhomely home Blake had ever seen.

  Nearing the building, Blake climbed from the riverbed. A dam, thirty feet across, lay next to the building. Martian land was cheap, but water was precious. Blake peered at the dam. Feldspar had said the suit failed in water. If he could get Badde into the dam, he might be able to stop him.

  He wondered how Nicki was faring. She would be at the Star of Fire by now. Blake tried raising her on his wristcomm, but got only static.

  Badde’s probably blocking the signal, Blake thought. At least I’ve got the element of surprise.

  ‘Ahem.’ A voice came from behind Blake. ‘Are you looking for me?’

  Okay, Blake thought. Maybe I don’t have the element of surprise.

  36

  Badde was dressed in the phase suit. It shimmered slightly in the light of the red planet.

  Blake pulled out his blaster. ‘Where’s my daughter?’ he demanded. ‘Where’s Lisa?’

  ‘She’s back at my ship. No doubt your robot has already retrieved her.’ Badde shrugged. ‘Never mind. I’ll get to them once I’ve finished with you.’

  ‘You’re under arrest.’

  Badde laughed. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. For robbery, kidnapping, extortion and…’ Blake tried to think of more charges. ‘…for being very unpleasant.’

  ‘You can’t arrest what you can’t touch.’

  ‘We’ll see about that,’ Blake said, pulling the trigger.

  The stun blast passed harmlessly through Badde and ricocheted off the embankment behind him.

  Blake turned and ran. The dam’s only twenty feet away, he thought. If I can reach it—

  Bang!

  A shock of pain ran through Blake’s left leg. He felt as though he’d been hit with a baseball bat. His leg gave way and he went sprawling, blood pouring from a wound. Badde held an old-fashioned weapon in his hand.

  ‘It’s a revolver,’ Badde explained. ‘A gun from ancient Earth that fires a metal projectile.’ He started towards Blake.

  Blake struggled to stand, but fell. He dragged himself along the ground, Badde following sedately behind.

  ‘I’m rather pleased you survived my little diversion at Moxy’s Diner,’ Badde said, conversationally. ‘It’s more appropriate that you should die at my hands. The greatest evil genius the galaxy has ever seen should duel his nemesis to the death.’

&n
bsp; ‘You are the greatest criminal the galaxy has ever known,’ Blake grunted, trying to play for time. He was almost at the water. ‘After all, you’re responsible for the bank robbery on Tarzus Four.’

  ‘No, I didn’t do that one.’

  ‘The jewel robbery on Sigmus Nine.’

  ‘Uh, uh. Not me either.’

  ‘What about the heist on Garbus Twelve?’

  Badde’s face brightened. ‘That was me!’ he said.

  The cold water of the dam was almost within Blake’s grasp as Badde grabbed his left leg and dragged him backwards.

  Blake screamed in agony.

  ‘Sorry,’ Badde said. ‘Did I hurt you?’

  Blake rolled over and made a desperate grab for Badde, but his hands passed through him. It was like trying to hold on to a ghost.

  ‘I know all about the suit’s weakness,’ Badde said, nodding towards the dam. ‘That little problem with water. How frustrating it must be for you. Salvation being so close at hand, yet so far away.’

  ‘You’ll never get away with this,’ Blake groaned.

  Badde smiled. ‘I already have,’ he said, plunging his hand directly into the centre of Blake’s chest. ‘You may not be able to touch me, but I can certainly touch you.’

  At first Blake felt a stinging sensation. Then it grew more painful as the strength went from his body.

  ‘I’m going to squeeze your heart,’ Badde said, ‘until it pops.’

  Badde picked Blake up off the ground with his hand jammed in his chest. His strength was incredible. As he dangled Blake above him like a ragdoll, the pain in Blake’s chest grew ever more crushing. He tried clawing again at Badde, but there was no way to touch him.

  No, Blake thought. It can’t end like this.

  Badde laughed. ‘What does it feel like to die?’ he asked. ‘Knowing you’ll never see your loved ones again?’

  Blake’s mind went back to Lisa and Astrid.

  I’ve been such a fool! he thought. I should have been a better husband! A better father to Lisa!

  Blake reached into his coat pocket.

  ‘Your gun won’t help you,’ Badde laughed.

  ‘I’m not reaching for my gun,’ Blake grunted. ‘I need to ask you a question.’

  ‘What is it?’

  Holding his hand up high, Blake flicked open the souvenir bottle that Lisa had given him at the Wet’n’Wild park. ‘I really need to know,’ Blake said. ‘How deep is your love?’

  He poured the bottle onto Badde. The suit flickered and sparked as Badde’s eyes opened in terror.

  ‘No!’ he cried.

  ‘Yes,’ Blake said.

  Blake dropped the bottle as Badde released him. The open bottle started to pass through the top of Badde’s head as the phase suit failed completely. The bottle firmly jammed in his brain, the evil genius gave a soundless scream, hatred filling his eyes. He toppled dead to the ground.

  Blake lay back on the red Martian soil. The pain in his chest was very bad. An eternity seemed to pass, and then—

  ‘Dad!’

  Lisa and Nicki knelt beside him.

  ‘My heart—’

  Lisa threw her arms around him. ‘Dad,’ she wept. ‘Hold on!’

  Blake gazed up at the pale blue sky. He was fading. Badde’s last act had been to kill him after all. The pain was like a vice crushing his chest. ‘Stay strong, old man,’ Nicki said.

  Blake struggled to speak. ‘Listen…’ he said.

  ‘Is it Astrid?’ Nicki asked. ‘A message for her?’

  ‘No…’ Blake grunted. ‘Can you move? You’re kneeling on my arm.’

  EPILOGUE

  Blake Carter woke in a hospital bed to find himself surrounded.

  Astrid was there, and Lisa. Nicki hovered in the corner, a worried expression on her golden face. Then Blake noticed Assistant Director Cecil Pomphrey in the chair next to the bed.

  ‘Welcome back, Agent Carter,’ Pomphrey said.

  ‘Thanks.’ Blake’s eyes moved from one person to the other, trying to judge the mood. ‘Am I in trouble?’

  ‘No!’ Lisa shot a look at Pomphrey. ‘My dad’s not in trouble. Is he?’

  Pomphrey’s face was dark. ‘Trouble’s not the word to describe it,’ he said.

  ‘Maybe heroic is a better word,’ Astrid said. ‘Nicki and my husband saved our daughter, stopped Earth from being destroyed by a Super-EMP and retrieved the phase suit. You should be giving them medals!’

  ‘Look, I can’t—’

  ‘Big medals,’ Astrid said firmly. ‘Otherwise we go to the media, and you know what they’re like.’

  Blake watched resignation fill Pomphrey’s face. He may have been a tough guy, but the assistant director had not dealt with the likes of Astrid Carter. He glanced at Blake, beseechingly.

  ‘The ex-wife,’ Blake said, as if that explained everything.

  ‘We’ll leave you to talk,’ Astrid said. ‘I know you’re probably planning to catch your next evil genius, or planet eater, or whatever it is you do.’

  Lisa kissed Blake’s cheek. ‘I love you, Dad,’ she said. ‘You’re the best.’

  It almost made everything worthwhile.

  ‘We’ll see you for dinner when you get out,’ Astrid said.

  ‘D-dinner?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, pausing in the doorway. ‘It’s the meal at the end of the day when families get together.’

  Blake Carter nodded dumbly, a catch in his throat. After they left, he turned to Pomphrey.

  ‘I can explain,’ Blake began. ‘It was my idea. I ordered Nicki…no, threatened her to help me—’

  ‘That’s funny. She said the same thing about you.’

  ‘Ignore her. She’s out of control. Needs a reboot.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Nicki said.

  ‘Anytime.’ Blake turned to Pomphrey. ‘So…what is going to happen?’

  ‘Will we give you a medal?’ Pomphrey asked. ‘Or simply toss you in jail and throw away the key? You and Agent Steel ignored my orders to drop this case and instead broke into a government facility. Jail is probably too good for you.’ He glanced at Nicki. ‘No matter how long the sentence.’ Sighing, he added, ‘But you were operating under duress. A young girl was being held hostage.’

  ‘And we caught Badde,’ Blake added.

  Nicki shook her head. ‘Not quite.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Oh, you nailed Badde,’ Pomphrey said. ‘Or the thing pretending to be him.’

  ‘The thing…’

  Pomphrey nodded in Nicki’s direction. ‘No offence.’

  ‘None taken.’

  ‘It was a robot you took out on Mars,’ Pomphrey explained. ‘A very sophisticated robot. We believe Badde was using it as a front for his operation.’

  ‘So it was never really him?’

  Pomphrey shook his head.

  ‘And the real Badde?’

  ‘Still a mystery, I’m afraid,’ Cecil Pomphrey said, standing. ‘Blake, you are not to return to work until you’re completely recovered. Nicki, I’ll expect a full report on my desk by tomorrow morning.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  Pomphrey hesitated at the door. ‘I thought this partnership would work,’ he said. ‘Looks like I was right. I’ve got an offworld assignment for you when you’re ready.’

  Then he was gone.

  Nicki and Blake turned to each other.

  ‘Did we really get away with this?’ Nicki asked. ‘No jail time? And maybe even a medal?’

  It was almost too much for Blake to take in. They weren’t in jail. Lisa was safe. And Astrid was expecting him for dinner.

  But Badde had escaped.

  ‘That’s unfortunate about Badde,’ Nicki said.

  ‘I never would have guessed—’ Blake stared at Nicki. She was wearing a strange expression. ‘What is it?’

  ‘There’s something you should know,’ she said, uncomfortable. ‘When they examined it…the robot…they found its components were manufactured in a particular way. Showing a
particular craftsmanship, if you like.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Whoever made it also made me,’ Nicki said. ‘I don’t know what that means. Did Badde make us? Or did he employ someone else to—’

  ‘It doesn’t matter, does it?’

  Nicki clenched her fists. ‘It does matter!’ she snapped. ‘You have to know you can trust me!’

  ‘I know I can trust you.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Because you’re my partner,’ he said, holding out his hand.

  ‘You’re crazy,’ Nicki said. ‘But it’s your funeral.’

  They shook.

  ‘I wonder what this special assignment is,’ Blake said.

  ‘I don’t know, but it involves Venus.’

  ‘Venus? How’re we getting there?’

  Nicki pushed a button on her wristcomm and a voice that Blake knew all too well sang out loud and clear.

  ‘Ay, landlubbers!’ It was Captain Rasmussen Goyle. ‘They say we’re flying to Venus next! Bring yer blasters! The planet’s overrun with zombies and they’ll eat yer face off as soon as look at yer!’

  ‘Zombies!’ the parrot screamed. ‘Zombies!’