Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  Brayden sat down on the other side of me and grunted at the table. One of the girls got up off her chair and sat down on his lap. “Uh, do I know you?” he asked.

  She started whispering in his ear. His expression was classic, complete mortification. “Please go sit back over there,” he said. “Why don’t we talk first before you try to do all that stuff you just said? Besides. I think most of that crap is illegal.”

  When she grudgingly left his lap and sat back down on her chair, he jabbed me playfully in the arm. “Shane, did you see Lea’s friend, Grace? Man, she was smoking hot.”

  Everybody noticed her. Grace. Even her name alluded to her beauty.

  I leaned back against my chair and inhaled a long breath. “Yeah, I sort of met her. I had to give her my shirt because she spilled her drink all over herself during the fight.”

  My band mates looked at me as if I had grown another head in front of them.

  Alex leaned forward. “And here I thought you bagged her in the back and that’s why she wore your shirt! Okay, okay, lemme get this straight. She spilled her drink on her shirt and you gave her yours. What color shirt was she wearing? I’m just wondering.”

  I just smiled wide, remembering.

  Ethan cleared his throat and answered for me. “She had on a very white little shirt on, and the sexiest red bra I have ever seen under it when it was soaking wet.”

  My band mates raised their beers to me.

  Alex laughed, “Well here’s to chivalry, and to douchebag friends who don’t share in the good fortune of finding a good wet tee shirt contestant!”

  “Cheers!” We all called out together.

  The girls around the table remained silent. Then Alex resumed kissing his girl, which led to everyone starting to talk and introduce themselves.

  I just sat back and watched my band; my best friends; my roommates, my brothers. They had no idea who I really was, who I’d been. Yet, they were more trustworthy and honorable to me than the angels who I was truly brothers with, the ones who condemned me to this hellish eternity. What I would have given to be born human. I would have been with Selah, end of story; perfect life. We could have loved each other without it being a crime, lived a long life together and died together.

  These guys in front of me had no idea of heaven, intense bliss, or how close to hell, being on earth truly was. In my own way, I envied them.

  Ethan was snapping his fingers in front of my face, “Hellooo! Shane? You still with us? We’re going to play pool, are you coming?”

  I looked around the table. Everybody was standing and walking toward the game room. Huh? Where the hell was my head at?

  I looked up to Ethan whose face was creased with concern, “Nah, dude. Iʼm just gonna finish my beer and call it a night. I’ll see you at home.”

  Ethan sat back down and leveled his eyes to mine. “What’s up? You okay?”

  I hesitated. Then I just laughed, “Yeah, man. I’m just wiped out.” His eyebrows pulled together, but he just nodded and stood up. “Sure, man. See you at home.” I watched him walk away. Walking casually into the game room, as all the girls in the bar turned their heads when he walked by. The majority turned around and looked back at me too, probably assessing their luck at going home with me tonight. Little did they know that not one of them would have a chance. I had absolutely no desire to be with anyone that night, unless it was Grace. That fucking scared the hell out of me. I’ve been here on earth in Shane’s body for months trying to forget about Selah, now this girl who looks exactly like her is going to be here reminding me of her every time I see her. This was bad. I would be at Lea’s apartment practically every single day!

  I downed the rest of my beer and headed for the stage. I climbed up, grabbed my guitar, and packed it away in its case. I slung it over my shoulders and jumped back off the stage. A group of girls sighed loudly and ran over to me, but I just excused myself and said I had a prior commitment to get to. I just wanted to go to bed, alone.

  I walked past the game room and stood in the doorway watching my friends play pool. Alex was loud and obnoxious as always. His mother would always thank God for his good looks, because his personality was quite abrasive. He was intensely outgoing and had been born without a brain to mouth filter. Brayden was the quiet, thoughtful one, who was artistic and poetic. Ethan was the romantic, comical, blond haired teddy bear, the size of a quarterback. I waved goodnight to them and walked to the door. They would know something was up. I was always the last one home and the first one to dive into bed with a girl. Thank God, each of them would know me well enough to have the sense not to say anything.

  The icy February air hit me like a sledgehammer to the face when I stepped outside. I didn’t give a crap though. I took the long way home and passed Lea’s apartment. I knew Conner would be staying there tonight, he always did. I toyed with the idea of ringing the bell when I passed by, but all the lights were off. I stood on the bottom of the steps and wondered if Tucker stayed too.

  My gut retched. Tucker was a good buddy, but he wasn’t good enough for Grace. He was a slob, he was beyond arrogant, and he was a lawyer. He could lie through his teeth and believe himself.

  Not to beat around the bush here, but I didn’t want Tucker with Grace because I didn’t want anyone else to be with her. She was too much like Selah. I would cringe every time he would hold her hand, every time I knew he lied to her about being with other girls. Shit, I would probably kill him in his sleep if I knew they...

  I ran my hands through my hair. These thoughts were going to kill me. She was just another girl. I would prove it to myself. She was just like the rest of them. She just was the prettiest one. No big deal. I would get to know her and I bet within a day, I would be done with her. She wasn’t Selah. Selah has been long gone. Dead for over 2,000 years. Grace was just a regular girl.

  I would give her my smile. Sheʼd talk about getting her nails done. She probably was still in college, making a career out of it, until she meets Mr. Money, the guy who would take care of her. She probably tweets about each time she uses the bathroom and posts a Facebook status of her location for each hour. Never felt heartache, never lost anyone, and sure as hell doesn’t know what it’s like in hell. She would end the night with her legs wrapped around me, telling me what a great singer I was, and how many children she would like to have with me. She would have already picked out their names. I would tell her I didn’t do relationships, I didn’t do love, flowers or Hallmark cards. I wouldn’t even sit through a chick flick. I was deathly allergic to them. She would have tears in her eyes, but they wouldnʼt fall. Because she would have known, because I would have told her before I slept with her, that I didnʼt do any of that shit and she wouldn’t be the one to change me. Nobody can. And she would pretend to care, but all along, she would get what she wanted. To sleep with the singer and lead guitarist of Mad World. She would have bragging rights to tell all her friends. That was all that beautiful package would be made up of. Fuck, I’m ranting in my own head.

  What if she was more?

  I stopped myself right before I rang Lea’s doorbell. I worked myself up so much I was panting. I wanted to tell Grace off. I wanted to walk right into her room and...I stopped. I turned around and walked back down the front steps. I pushed myself over to the pavement of the sidewalk and down the street.

  I walked the two blocks between our apartment buildings like a madman. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. Why was this girl getting under my skin? I couldn’t even complete a full thought.

  I jogged up my front steps and opened the lobby door to my place. The warm stale air made me feel heavy and slow.

  I lumbered down the hallway to my apartment and unlocked the door. I went straight to the bar and poured myself a whiskey. I slammed it back and stared at the empty glass in my hands. I refilled the little fucker and left it on the counter.

  Making my way to the bathroom, I ran the shower, needing to clear my head. After stripping off my clothes, I
stepped into the hot stream and let the water run over my face, closing my eyes tight. But the shower did shit to clear my mind, because the minute I closed my eyes, those stunning silver eyes were searing into my conscious, refusing to be forgotten or pushed aside.

  I slammed my hands flat against the slick wet tiles of the shower and roared like a caged animal. The grief threatened to choke me; it welled in my chest and tore at my heart. Jumping out of the shower, I slid over the wet tiles of the floor and crashed my body up against the wall. I needed another drink.

  Still dripping wet, I stormed into the kitchen, gulped down the other shot of whiskey and tossed the glass in the sink. Then I went back, grabbed the rest of the bottle of whiskey, and carried it into my bedroom.

  With the full bottle, I played my guitar until the sun rose. I drifted off to sleep sometime after.

  I dreamt of silver eyes, soft lips, and silky black hair that smelled of wildflowers after the rain.

  I woke up with a haunting melody in my head that curled its notes around every inch of her soft naked body that had haunted my dreams. Great. Now she was my muse.

  Chapter 3

  I showered and dressed faster than I ever thought was humanly possible. I put on running clothes, hoping that Conner would be up for a workout. We jogged together every morning, even if he had stayed at Lea’s.

  When I thought about it, for the past few months I walked over to Leaʼs apartment almost every morning to meet up with Conner to run and have coffee. I hadnʼt realized how serious Conner must have been getting with Lea. Then again, I hadn’t thought about anything other than my music and my dick. Anything else hurt too damn much. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend why the hell I was let go from my prison in hell and placed on earth again. And I sure as hell didn’t understand why I was stuck in Shane Maxton’s body.

  I snatched a handful of aspirin to help kill the dull throbbing in my head and heard voices. I walked into the kitchen and found Ethan sitting at the table with Tucker, eating sandwiches.

  Ethan, Conner, and I were roommates, so it wasn’t odd that Ethan was sitting at the table. Tucker sitting there was strange. He lived down the hallway in the apartment next door, with Alex and Brayden. His old man owned our building. That’s why we got away with all the crap we did. Tucker usually never came over though; he was such a slob that we never invited him. Last time he was here, he burnt an enormous hole in our leather couch when he lit a Cuban cigar. We were cleaning ashes up for days after. The jackass didnʼt even smoke; he just wanted to flaunt the cigar, and how expensive it was in everyone’s face.

  I nodded to the two of them and grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

  Tucker was going on and on about some hottie he met last night, “Iʼm totally serious. I think I found my first wife!”

  Ethan was shaking his head while laughing with his mouth full of food.

  Tucker took another bite of his sandwich, and started talking and chewing at the same time. “I mean it. She is so beautiful...and sheʼs nice; really nice. Sheʼs not anything like the gang of blonde bedbugs Alex brought home last night!”

  I popped the aspirin in my mouth, cracked open the water bottle, and gulped some down half listening to Tucker’s story.

  Ethan swallowed what was in his mouth and nudged his head at Tucker, looking at me. “Hey, Shane. Tuck here says Grace is going to be his first wife. Got anything to say about that?”

  The water caught in my throat and I choked it down. I gasped and coughed, almost hurling the pills back up.

  Ethan sat at the table with a knowing grin glued to his face. “Yeah, I thought that would be your reaction,” he murmured.

  I cleared my throat and croaked, “Tucker, are you talking about Leaʼs friend? Long black hair, beautiful eyes?”

  Tucker offered me a smile full of sandwich. “Oh yeah. And instead of calling her Grace, I’m gonna call that hottie, Google, cause she has everything that I’m looking for in a woman.” Tucker raised his asinine hands to high five us but we both ignored him.

  Ethan guffawed. His eyes danced between Tucker and me. I didnʼt understand what he was playing at. Maybe he wanted me to knock the crap out of Tucker, or maybe he just wanted to see my reaction to Tuck liking Grace?

  Ethan held up an index finger, giggling. “Tucker here is confessing to meeting the woman of his dreams last night, the girl he is going to marry,” he looked at Tucker and laughed more. “Tuck, why don’t you tell Shane about those bedbugs from last night? You know the girls you met up with after you left Lea and Grace’s apartment.”

  Tucker slammed his hands down on the table. Pieces of his sandwich flopped onto the floor, but he didnʼt even notice. Jackhat.

  “Oh man, Alex and Brayden came home with four girls last night. I bagged two of them at the same time. Man, it was AWESOME!”

  I clenched my fists, “What about Grace? Tuck? Did you do anything with Grace?”

  Ethan laughed so hard that tears were falling down his cheeks.

  Tucker jumped up, more of his sandwich dropped to the floor. “No, she’s going to take some time to bang. I gotta take a leak.”

  I glared at Ethan when Tucker was out of the room. “What are you trying to do? I donʼt want to hear about him and Grace, or him having a threesome. What’s your problem?”

  Ethan stood up and pushed his chair out. He grabbed his empty plate and walked over to the sink, placing it in. He turned around and leaned against the counter. “Just watching your reaction, Shane.”

  I knew it.

  He folded his arms across his chest. If anyone else was standing there looking at the features of my giant friend, they would have called them menacing.

  “Shane, you had me running all over the bar last night because you wanted to meet a girl when you saw the color of her eyes. You looked like a lost little boy until you saw her sitting there with Lea.” He dropped his hands dramatically to his sides. “You said nothing was up last night, but left before everyone else did to go home. Alone.”

  I sat down on one of the chairs and started lacing up my sneakers tight, being as nonchalant as I could about the topic of his conversation. “Yeah, so. Whatʼs the big deal? Sheʼs beautiful. I didnʼt hide that fact from you last night, I wanted you to help me find her.” I stood up to leave.

  “Shane, I didnʼt say these things to see if you liked her. Thatʼs obvious. I said them because I wanted you to see your reaction to someone like Tucker, who wanted to just sleep with her.” He stepped forward and pointed his finger at me. “This is one of Leaʼs best friends. And Conner is one of ours. Grace isnʼt the sort of girl you could just sleep with without consequences. Everyone will get hurt in the process. But, the way you acted last night and now, dude, Iʼm your best friend...you like this girl. Donʼt screw it up by trying to sleep with her immediately.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah, well Iʼm hoping when I get to know her I can shake whatever illness Iʼve caught and shake her from my mind.”

  “What if you can’t, Shane?”

  “You know I don’t get into relationships. You know I don’t ever lie about it. I don’t need to lie to any of them. It’ll be her choice.”

  He put his hands up in the air as if I was robbing him at gunpoint. “Shane, your fists are clenched, your face is red and you’re planning on running over there right now, and it isn’t to workout with Conner. All because you don’t want Tucker to do what you want to do with her? Shane Maxton never gets jealous, ever.”

  “Yeah, I got you, thanks.” I left before Tucker came back and before Ethan could say anything else.

  I grabbed my keys, phone and wallet off the bar, stuffed them into the pockets of my sweats and ran out the door. On the way there, I thought about every word Ethan said to me. He was right; I just couldnʼt tell him anything. I certainly couldnʼt tell him I once wore wings and because of the one relationship I did have in my life, Iʼd spend the rest of my existence in hell and this wonderful place again. I couldnʼt tell him that I never had relationships
because no one in this world could ever replace Selah. Ever.

  There was no way I could tell any of them. They would all have to assume I was just a player, because before I got here and my soul got slammed into Shane’s body, that’s who Shane was.

  When I got to their apartment, Conner and Lea were both awake watching cartoons. Lea jumped up to make coffee when I came in. Conner and I helped her in the kitchen with the cups, our normal routine.

  “So, Shane...how was your friend last night? Sorry if I was being rude, I guess I drank way too much.” Leaʼs cheeks were bright red; the rest of her was a bit green.

  “Eh, I thought you were pretty funny. I think that chick ended up at Alexʼs,” I shrugged and pretended I didnʼt know.

  Conner slapped me on the back, “Dude, coffee first, or a run?”

  I looked around the apartment for signs of Grace. Maybe she was out already. Maybe she spent the night somewhere else. With someone else. The thought bothered me more than it should have.

  “Iʼm ready to run, coffee when we get back,” I answered.

  Conner agreed and ran off in search of his running shoes. Lea walked back into the living room and curled up on the couch.

  “Are you feeling okay?” I asked. “Maybe we shouldnʼt leave you alone here?” Loaded question.

  “I just drank too much last night. I got some bad news and I couldnʼt handle it,” she sighed. “Iʼll be fine. Grace is home with me so I wonʼt be alone. Thanks though.”

  She picked up her eReader that rested on the edge of the couch and opened it, ending our conversation. I was going to ask her about the bad news, but I guess she assumed that I wouldnʼt and she started reading. Wow, how callous and cold does she think I am?

  Conner came into the room ready to go, so we just took off. I was pretty bummed that I didnʼt get to see Grace. She was probably a real high maintenance snob anyway and I needed to erase her completely from my mind. I couldnʼt be pining after some stupid human girl. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place. Not that I would ever think that Selah was a stupid human, she wasn’t. She was the most perfect soul I ever met, perfect for me anyway. I was just so sick and worn out from this punishment.