by Mark Parisi
My dad’s in a tuxedo, and my mom’s in her wedding gown. There are candles. Old, romantic music is playing.
This can only mean one thing.
I’m witnessing my parents’ wedding night!
There are candles everywhere because electricity hasn’t been invented yet!
How far back in time did my parents get married?
Inside my house, it’s only the fifteenth century! This is crazy.
And who has the ability to send my house back in time like this? There’s only one villain with that kind of power.
It’s strange looking back in time. I lean on the window to get a better look.
Gurk! I have to hide! In their world, I don’t exist. I haven’t even been born yet! If they see me, it could mess up the past! And I’ve seen enough movies to know it’s a bad idea to mess up the past.
“I thought you fixed the window,” my mom says.
“I did,” my dad replies. “I used duct tape.”
“Then why is it still broken?”
“Because I didn’t do a very good job?”
“Correct!”
“Can we talk about this another time?”
“We’ll talk about it now,” my mom says.
Oh no. My parents are fighting! And it’s all my fault.
If they break up on their wedding night, then they won’t have kids! I’ll never be born! Erica will never be born! (I have mixed feelings about that part.)
But I definitely want to exist!
I need to get my parents back together.
If only I had a love potion.
I reach into my pocket.
Granny’s candy hearts! Maybe these will do the trick.
I toss them into the room and hope for the best.
My dad takes a sip of wine.
YES! It’s working! My parents are hugging!
I better get out of here before I mess things up again!
And I didn’t even get to see Jerome.
Wait.
If everything inside my house is way back in the past, what about Jerome?
• Jerome was in the house.
• My house is now way back in the past.
• Jerome didn’t exist way back in the past.
• Therefore, Jerome no longer exists.
Ugh. I feel ill.
Simon finally did it. He used black magic to take away everything I care about. Even my very best friend in the whole world.
CHAPTER 39
whack-a-doodle
When I get back to Granny’s, Erica is still making a scene about losing her drone.
There are a lot more important things happening right now!
I try to show my sister that she’s overreacting.
“Erica,” I say, “your drone was hard to control anyway.”
She looks at me.
“What. Did. You. Do. Marty?”
“Nothing.” I say. “I did nothing.”
“Marty, if I find out you . . .”
While Erica threatens me with all kinds of torture, I realize the world has ONE LAST HOPE. Simon has always had a big crush on Erica, but she barely notices him. That means his mind control doesn’t work on her! Erica is immune to Simon’s powers!
Erica must be THE ONE! THE ONE who can save the world!
“Erica,” I say. “You don’t like Simon, right?”
“Who the heck is Simon?”
“Simon is the dumb kid who’s having the dumb ceremony at the stupid Candy Factory tonight. You’ve met him a hundred times.”
“So, you want me to NOT like him?”
“Obviously,” I say.
“You WHAT?”
“I ADORE him!” Erica shrieks. “I want to MARRY him. I want to have his BABY! I’m going to the ceremony tonight to PROPOSE to . . . What was his name again?”
“Simon,” I remind her.
“To propose to SIMON!” she says.
My sister is going to marry Simon? Simon is going to be my brother-in-law?!
I didn’t think things could get any worse.
But they just did.
It’s all too much for my brain. Tonight Simon will use his magic to take over the city. Then the ENTIRE WORLD! The wrath he will bring upon this planet is unthinkable!
And you know what I’m going to do about it?
That’s right, nothing.
I’ll just sit here and wait for the world to end.
“Something bothering you, Martin?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Granny Pants.”
“Try me.”
Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “Simon is an evil wizard who stole my art and he’s also taken away everything that’s important to me like my cat and family and friends and school and CACA and beanbag of solitude and tonight he’s going to use magic mind manipulation on everyone and take over the city and soon conquer the entire planet until he’s King of the World and then he will bring pain and misery and despair and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop him and no one believes me anyway so I give up.”
Granny Pants looks at me for a long time.
“Well, you’ve got to do something, Martin.”
“I do?”
“Yes! We can’t have an evil whack-a-doodle going around controlling feeble-brained goofballs, can we?”
“I guess not, but . . .”
“DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE, MARTIN!”
“But I don’t know what to do, Granny Pants!”
“I know you, Martin. You must have one nutzo, loony scheme left in your noggin!”
“Um, there’s one ridiculous thing I could try. . . .”
“SOUNDS PERFECT!”
“Really?”
“YES! BE RIDICULOUS, MARTIN!”
“I know how to do that!” I say.
“Whatever you need, Martin. I’m here for you.”
“I have a job for you.” I jump up. “Do you have any aluminum foil?”
Granny opens her closet. “No, but I do have some tinfoil.”
CHAPTER 40
ceremonial rhapsody
I hope I’m not too late!
I arrive at The Candy Factory and see the crowd of people taking their seats around a stage. I’m just in time! The ceremony is about to begin.
Simon’s evil wizard face is being projected onto a big screen. Parker is behind the crowd working the projector.
Mayor Mitnic talks into the microphone.
“I am proud of this young man’s artistic skills and success,” the mayor says to the crowd. “He is both charming and talented. He’s about to shake up the world! I’m happy to present Simon Cardigan with the You Little Hero award! Let’s give him a warm Sinkhole City welcome!”
The crowd starts to cheer.
Stop clapping, everyone! He feeds off your approval!
“Thank you, thank you!” Simon says into the microphone. His voice booms over the crowd.
“I am honored to be recognized for the great artist I am, because I definitely drew this!” he says as he points to the screen behind him.
Parker presses a button on the projector and the first page of my Monkey Washer Man comic appears on the screen. IT’S HUGE!
The crowd loves it! Of course they do—it’s mine and it’s awesome.
Then page two comes up. The crowd is laughing as Simon reads my comic out loud. They are falling under his spell!
Wait. Why am I just standing here watching?
I have to stop him!
But something is holding me back.
“Wear do ya think yer goin’, Weddy Pantz?”
“You have to let me go, Salvador!” I plead. “This is important!”
“Ho har ha!” Peach Fuzz says as he spits on the ground. “Ya ain’t goin’ nowear!” He squeezes my shoulder so hard, it hurts!
Then I feel a hand on my other shoulder. “Everything okay, Marty?”
It’s Mr. Fedora! Parker’s dad! And he brought Dewey.
“This hoodlum is mistreating me,” I say.
<
br /> “Dis kid cant come in!” Peach Fuzz says.
“I’ll take responsibility for him,” Mr. Fedora says as Dewey smells my butt.
“No wayy,” Peach Fuzz says. “Im da one in charge hear and if I sazzmpthglmmftgh!”
Peach Fuzz looks terrified of Dewey. Suddenly, he doesn’t seem so tough. Peach Fuzz gets up and runs away screaming, “HALP! A WILD DAWG ATE MY FACE! HALP!”
“Come on, Marty,” Mr. Fedora says. “You can sit with me.”
“Can you excuse me for a sec?” I ask. “I have to go into the bushes.”
“Try not to be too long,” Mr. Fedora tells me.
He thinks I’m going into the bushes to pee, but I don’t need to pee. Well, the more I think about it, the more I actually do, but what I really need is a hiding place. I need to prepare myself for what I’m about to do.
The first bush I come across is already occupied.
So I move on to the next bush. It’s occupied, too.
When I finally find a bush of my own, I hide behind it and open Granny’s gigantic pocketbook. I take out her wedding dress and put it on. It fits nicely.
Then I roll around on the ground.
Now I can check off the first two things on my sister’s antiwizard list.
I hear the crowd applauding. The presentation is almost over! It’s now or never!
I make a mad dash through the crowd, up the stairs, and onto the stage.
I grab the microphone out of Simon’s hand and shout, “HEY, EVERYONE! I HAVE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!”
The crowd stares at me.
“Marty, you idiot!” Simon says. “What are you DOING?!”
I ignore him and continue talking to the crowd. “SIMON CARDIGAN’S AN EVIL WIZARD! HE’S CONTROLLING YOUR MINDS! THIS CEREMONY SHOULD BE FOR ME!” Then I wait for the cheers.
The crowd hates me, but it’s not their fault. They are under Simon’s evil spell.
“AND NOW,” I announce, “I WILL SAVE YOU!”
I complete the rest of the items on the list.
The ancient song I choose to sing is one I’ve heard my dad sing a zillion times.
The crowd watches me in stunned silence.
At least I think it’s stunned silence. It’s hard to tell with toilet paper in my ears.
Simon smirks, looks at the crowd, and shrugs. The crowd roars with laughter.
It’s not working! I hop faster, cram my finger deeper in my nose, and sing even louder.
The crowd keeps laughing. They don’t understand I’m trying to save them!
I look over at Parker.
Is she laughing at me, too?
It’s clear I’m not defeating a wizard. All I’m doing is humiliating myself in front of the entire city, just like my sister hoped I would do.
I feel someone pull the toilet paper out of my ears.
“Come on, Marty. Let’s get you out of here. . . .”
CHAPTER 41
never believe it’s not so
“Marty,” Officer Pickels says as he guides me offstage. “What goes on in that head of yours?”
“Righteousness,” I say.
Simon waves to the crowd, and they cheer louder than ever. I only made things worse.
I put my head down. I failed to save the world. I just couldn’t do it this time.
Then I hear a familiar voice.
I’m sorry to let you down, Granny Pants.
Then I hear Simon’s voice, but it’s not coming from Simon.
Parker turned on the projector again, and it’s playing a video of Simon.
I stop to watch. Officer Pickels does, too.
“I hope you enjoyed this presentation of my awesome art!” says the Simon on the screen.
“Cut!” says Parker’s voice from the video. “We’re all finished recording. You were great, Simon.”
“I know,” says the Simon on the screen. “I can be charming when I want to be.”
The crowd quietly watches the video.
“Just between you and me,” Parker’s voice says, “I know Marty drew Monkey Washer Man.”
The Simon on the screen acts angry and says, “What? That’s a bunch of . . .”
“Only a clever, handsome genius like you could get away with stealing it.”
“You think?” says the Simon on the screen.
“Totally,” says the Parker on the screen.
The Simon on the screen smiles and says, “That’s me, all right. I’m a handsome genius! Sure, Marty drew Monkey Washer Man, but I’ll take the credit! I mean, who’s going to believe HIM over ME? No one!”
I look away from the Simon on the screen and peek over at the real Simon standing onstage.
His face is turning green.
The crowd starts to get restless. Now they’re booing Simon instead of me! They’re calling him a phony, a thief, a liar, and even worse words.
I glance over at the real Parker.
Officer Pickels lets go of my shoulder and whispers, “Go ahead, Marty. Do whatever you have to do. I’ll look the other way.”
“Thanks, Officer Pickels!”
I jump back onstage and charge right at Simon. I grab the mike.
“Told you,” I say to the crowd.
CHAPTER 42
chocolate shake
Simon is freaking out. It looks like he’s going to explode.
“I’m supposed to shake up the world,” he growls. “I’m supposed to shake up the world. . . .”
He closes his eyes tightly. Then he begins shaking like crazy.
Then I realize I’m shaking, too. The whole stage is shaking! Even The Candy Factory is shaking!
Simon is doing this! He’s sending out his evil, magical brain waves! I have to protect everyone.
I pick up the mike.
“HEY, EVERYONE!” I say. “PROTECT YOURSELVES! REACH UNDER YOUR SEAT! A TINFOIL HAT HAS BEEN PLACED THERE FOR YOU! PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD!”
No one follows my instructions.
“NOW!” I yell. “PUT ON YOUR TINFOIL HATS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”
Parker reaches down and puts on her foil hat. Mr. Fedora puts on his. Soon, everyone else starts doing it. And just in time!
Black magic and molten chocolate are falling everywhere. But everyone is safe.
Gurk! The mayor doesn’t have a foil hat! She’s completely unprotected, and it’s too late to save her!
Then something comes flying out of nowhere.
Hey, I know what that is!
Now all that’s left for me to do is defeat Simon once and for all!
He still looks like he’s in a trance. I poke him to provoke him and say, “IT’S TIME TO ADMIT TO EVERYBODY THAT YOU’RE A WIZARD, SIMON!”
Simon snaps out of his trance and says this:
I did it! I just saved the world.
CHAPTER 43
disspelled
Everyone is safe now. Well, maybe not everyone.
As people head home, Officer Pickels comes over to congratulate me.
“Wow! I don’t know how you did all that, Marty,” he says. “But that was the most exciting performance art I’ve ever seen!”
Then Granny Pants comes over.
“Yowza, Martin! That was totally wacky packages! I knew you’d do something cockamamie!”
“Thanks for putting the foil hats under all the seats, Granny Pants! I couldn’t have saved the world without you!”
“More fun than I’ve had in decades, Martin,” she says. “I’m just amazed I could bend down low enough.”
“And sorry for ruining your wedding dress,” I say. “It’s a mess.”
“Nonsense, Martin! You look fabulous!”
Then Parker comes in for a high five, but at the last second she fakes me out and switches things up.
“You can relax,” I tell her. “The magic is gone.”
“I don’t know about that,” she whispers in my ear. “I can feel a little magic happening right now.”
“So you were undercover the whole time, Parker?
”
“Yup!”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want the secret to get out.”
“Thanks for helping save the world, Parker.”
“You have the best adventures, Marty!”
Uh-oh. Erica is heading my way. She’s going to make fun of me. She likes to ruin my moments.
“That Simon is such a TOOL!” she says.
Simon’s love spell is obviously broken.
“Marty,” Erica says, “I can’t believe you actually went onstage and did that ridiculous stuff in front of all those people. That took guts!”
I may have guts, but I don’t have the heart to tell her it wasn’t her antiwizard instructions that defeated Simon.
It was Simon who defeated Simon.
All his evil magic disappeared the moment he said this:
Once he declared that he was NOT a wizard, he magically made it come true. He made himself NOT a wizard.
I tricked him into using his own magic powers against himself. Fighting fire with fire. That’s how you defeat a wizard.
LOCAL BOY SAVES DAY
Marty Pants
When The Candy Factory sprayed molten chocolate into the air, local hero Marty Pants saved everyone’s bacon by supplying foil hats. “It wasn’t just me who saved the day,” Marty said. “It took teamwork.”
There was only one injury. A man was hit in the head by a flying backpack and developed amnesia.
“I thought I had an important, sinister plan to take over something,” the man said, “but now I forgot what it was.”