by Mark Parisi
Forgetful Man
In a related story, a citizen with a peach-fuzz mustache complained that his face was eaten by a wild dog.
He was rushed to the emergency room, where he received a series of very painful rabies shots. “Owch! Pleez! Knot again!” said the citizen.
Citizen
CHAPTER 44
this must be the place
Granny drives us home. Everything seems to be back to normal inside the house.
But the place is kind of a mess. Is this what happens after a house travels through time?
And look who’s back!
Granny explains the evening’s events to my parents. She even adds her own exciting details.
The part of the story my parents seem to understand is that Monkey Washer Man was MINE ALL ALONG. And that I’m not expelled from school anymore.
“Marty was EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL?!” my mom says angrily to my dad. “How? When? Why didn’t you TELL me?!”
“Um, er . . .” my dad mumbles. “I . . . meant . . . to. . . .”
Dad’s in trouble. Time for me to save his bacon.
I stand in between them and say, “I know I do things that can be hard to understand sometimes, but deep down I know you both believe in me.”
Now everyone’s happy.
Granny gives me a wink and heads home. I guess I really do connect with her.
“Marty, I think you take after your granny,” my mom says. “She calls herself Mini. Maybe I should call you Mini II.”
Meanwhile, my dad starts cleaning up. He fixes the window with more duct tape. He’s in such a good mood, he even helps me clean my room.
Wow! I didn’t know the carpet was blue.
And guess what? My dad even fixed my beanbag of solitude!
Duct tape is good for anything.
“Marty, I think I know why Jerome ripped your beanbag apart,” my dad says. “Somehow this got inside it.”
I guess we’ll never know how it got in there.
Erica’s been whistling a lot lately. All week, in fact. She got her drone back at the ceremony, so she didn’t get a zero on her science project after all. She got something a little better.
So she’s pretty happy. Meanwhile, I need to find a place on my wall to hang this.
CHAPTER 45
the office
On Monday, Simon and I are called into Cricklewood’s office. But this time, things go a little differently.
“Simon,” Cricklewood says. “Read your apology to Marty.”
I ask Cricklewood if she wants to apologize first, for expelling me for no reason.
“Just kidding,” I say.
Ms. Cricklewood smiles and says, “Very charming, Marty.” She’s not so bad.
Simon apologizes. He even admits he was envious of my artistic skills.
“But I don’t appreciate being called a monkey washer,” he grumbles.
Cricklewood turns to me and says, “Marty, do you have anything you’d like to say to Simon?”
“I’ll stop calling you a monkey washer,” I say.
I figure now that my Monkey Washer Man cartoon is going to be a candy commercial, it’ll be cool to be called a monkey washer.
But I absolutely refuse to apologize for vanquishing Simon’s wizarding powers, and he doesn’t bring it up.
Not only that, Simon has to give me my CACA back!
We shake hands and agree to continue loathing each other like normal.
CHAPTER 46
break the cycle
And can you guess who got fired from his job at The Candy Factory?
Turns out Peach Fuzz was spitting on the floor. That’s against company policy.*
He also deleted security footage without permission and lied about his age to get the job.
How do I know all this? I was told by the new security guard at The Candy Factory.
And since Roonie’s mother is working again, he doesn’t have to move away!
I ask Roongrat what he thinks of his hero, Simon, now.
“This certifiably proves Simon’s a great artist!” Roongrat says.
“What? How can you say that, Roonie?”
“I read somewhere that good artists borrow, but great artists steal.”
As usual, Roongrat’s brain makes no sense.
On my bike ride home, I start to think about my own brain.
I decide to test my brain functions to see if I’m 100% free from black magic. I grab a pencil and try to do something I’ve never done before.
I DID IT!*
CHAPTER 47
meatball
Before bed, I look at Jerome and he has that mysterious note in his mouth again. But since the black magic is gone, it doesn’t say “NOWIS” anymore. It’s back to saying “SIMON.”
It’s easy to figure out what “SIMON” stands for:
Jerome swallows the note. It feels good knowing things are back to normal. No one has any control of my mind. No one.
Excuse me, I have to give Jerome some tuna.
I’m finally positive no one is manipulating me in any way.
Hold on, I need to give Jerome some ham.
I’m a noticer, so I would definitely notice if anyone had any power to make me do things.
Pardon me, I have to brush Jerome. And give him some vanilla ice cream. And some sausage. And some sliced turkey.*
CHAPTER 48
and in the end
The excitement is over. What now?
I suppose I could read a book.
Or redo that math homework.
Or clean my room.
I have no idea how my room got messy again so fast.
I decide to go to bed.
This will be the best night’s sleep I’ve had in days.
There are no earth-shattering dangers to deal with.
No mysterious notes in Jerome’s mouth.
Just normal kid stuff.
Yup.
That’s how I like it. Slow and boring.
Yup. Wait!
Is that another mysterious note I see in Jerome’s mouth?
No, I guess not. My mistake.
But just to be safe, I better check again soon.
Like in the morning.
Or every fifteen minutes.
THE END
PRAISE FOR THE MARTY PANTS SERIES
“Both text and art deliver zingers and running gags that will keep kids laughing.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Off the Mark cartoonist Parisi’s prose-and-cartoon series kickoff is a winner.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Shows uncommon mastery of the Wimpy Kid genre and narrative style. Gags and misadventures aplenty.”
—ALA Booklist
“An easy pick for reluctant readers.”
—School Library Journal
“Plenty of random, laugh-out-loud moments.”
—YA Books Central
“Clever, fast-paced, and hilarious.”
—Dav Pilkey, author of The Adventures of Captain Underpants and Dog Man
“Marty Pants will have you laughing from the first page!”
—Jeff Kinney, author of Diary of a Wimpy Kid
“Funny and engaging. Marty Pants is a surefire hit!”
—Lincoln Peirce, author of Big Nate
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
After many odd jobs and a graphic design degree, MARK PARISI created the Off the Mark comic panel in 1987. It is now syndicated to more than one hundred newspapers around the country, and has won the Best Newspaper Panel Award from the National Cartoonists Society three times. Mark has also won the award for Best Greeting Cards. Find Mark’s cartoons at www.offthemark.com. Marty Pants is his debut novel series, and there’s more fun at www.martypants.com. Mark lives in Massachusetts and is most likely covered in cat fur.
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BOOKS BY MARK PARISI
MARTY PANTS #1: DO NOT OPEN!
MARTY PANTS #2: KEEP YOUR PA
WS OFF!
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COPYRIGHT
MARTY PANTS #3: HOW TO DEFEAT A WIZARD. Copyright © 2018 by Mark Parisi. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
Cover art copyright by Mark Parisi
Library of Congress Control Number: 2017959287
Digital Edition OCTOBER 2018 ISBN: 978-0-06-242781-6
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-242780-9
1819202122CG/LSCH10987654321
FIRST EDITION
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* Or catsup.
* Can you figure out the real character I mean? Of course you can.
* And things go wrong a lot.
* I won’t tell you what he drew, but it sounds exactly like AnemoneBob TrapezoidShorts.
* In fact, I noticed you just looked at the bottom of the page.
* EVERY food is Dewey’s favorite food.
* Easier ways are my favorite ways.
* Stones have a reputation for being quiet.
* And gross.
* But it took me three days, so I don’t think I’ll ever try that again.
* And a meatball.