Dot Con
Page 11
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Your registration request received Date: 20 November 17:38
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Greetings Dear Candidate,
I found your CV in the Internet, and after reviewing it, we would like to offer you a Regional Manager position with our recently formed European department. There is no formal Interview process for this position and most of communication is done on-line.
Here is the position summary:
Position: Regional Manager
Base Remuneration: 2,950 EUR per month plus bonuses
Available in: UK, Portugal, Denmark
This is a home-based position, which means that you will be working remotely, online. Let us know when you can start.
Sorry for using Gmail address for communication, the company e-mail address will be provided in further communications.
Sincerely, Dominic Farnham
HR department
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: I’m in! Date: 26 November 15:44
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Dominic,
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. For some bizarre reason, your legitimate job offer ended up in my spam folder!
Great news about my C.V. I’m really glad I slapped that bad boy on the internet. What sort of job is it? I’m quite handy with a spanner.
I must confess, I like the cut of China Jewellery Corporation’s jib. Most other ‘companies’ I’ve applied to make you jump through all sorts of hoops: references, interviews, applications etc. Most even demand you meet face to face. Ridiculous, right?
Anyway, full disclosure: Denmark is off the cards for me for obvious reasons.
The salary is quite sufficient but it would be churlish not to haggle. I’ll take 2985 EUR per month and not a penny less. And I don’t work Tuesdays for obvious reasons. Are we agreed?
Yours, James Veitch
Regional Manager CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: I’m in! Date: 27 November 11:57
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James
We will be transferring money into your bank account. Your main job will be withdrawing the funds from your bank and transferring them using Western Union.
Best Regards, Dominic Farnham
HR Coordinator
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 16:11
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Dominic,
This sounds like a great position!
I’m currently between jobs right now so I think I can make it work. One thing: I don’t work Wednesdays for obvious reasons.
Best Regards, James Veitch
Regional Manager CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
P.S. Does it matter that I have a criminal record?
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 16:12
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Your crime was what
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 16:12
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Embezzlement from a jewellery firm.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 16:13
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Not matter
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 17:20
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Excellent! All in the past anyway*.
This sounds like the sort of gig I can really get my teeth into. On that note, question: do you provide any form of dental insurance?
Jim
*fairly recently
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 17:25
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No, unfortunately we don’t provide dental insurance.
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Secretary Date: 27 November 17:29
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Not a dealbreaker. I’ll just have to brush more :)
I’ll obviously need a secretary. Is it ok if we hire my sister, Louise? She’s a hard worker.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Secretary Date: 28 November 14:17
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You can hire any body you want to be your secretary at your own expense.
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Re: Secretary Date: 28 November 15:23
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Good to know, Dom. I’ve gone ahead and hired Louise. She wants to know whether there’s a dental plan. I told her there wasn’t one but can you please just reiterate to me that there is no dental plan?
Louise: ‘I can’t believe there’s no dental plan.’
J
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Secretary Date: 29 November 12:56
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THERE IS NO DENTAL
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Re: Secretary Date: 29 November 13:04
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Gotcha. Thing is, Dom, Louise is actually quite hard to work with. We may have made a mistake hiring her in the first place.
I’ll keep you posted.
JV
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Secretary Date: 29 November 14:00
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You must send us your ID proving your identity, preferably a copy of valid Passport or DL. We require this for background check.
Sincerely, Dominic Farnham
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: A few minor concerns Date: 30 November 15:16
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Domanac,
This whole Louise thing isn’t working out. She takes a two-hour lunch break and, frankly, I can’t stand staring at her crooked teeth all day.
If only we had supplied dental. Is it ok to give her the boot? I’m going to hire my friend Thelma instead. She has nicer teeth and is, on the whole, more reliable.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: A few minor concerns Date: 30 November 15:20
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Mr Veitch,
You can hire any one you want but you must send us your passport before we can pay your salary. Please be serious with us.
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Not good news Date: 1 December 11:40
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Bad news, Domonoc. Louise has gone on strike over the lack of dental and Thema’s useless.
I asked her to make a sc
an of my passport and send it to you a few days ago and I’m nearly 100% certain she didn’t do it. I’m thinking of forgetting about this whole secretary business altogether.
From: China Jewellery Corporation
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Not good news Date: 1 December 11:45
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We have not received passport. Please be serious with us.
We have many other candidates for the position at CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION. You must do as we say.
From: James Veitch
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To: China Jewellery Corporation
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Subject: Resignation Date: 3 December 17:34
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We’re in bad shape here, Dom.
We needed some fresh blood so I hired Nigel as the new secretary. But this really pissed off Thelma and Louise who began picketing the offices over the absence of dental insurance. Now they’ve gone off on some sort of crazy road trip.
I hereby tender my resignation. It’s been a blast. Nigel’s doing his best but he’s only 12 years old so he finds it a bit overwhelming.
James Veitch
Former Regional Manager
CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
Hong Kong
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 5 January 12:04
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I am Mrs. Cho Mak, a staff of Dahsong Bank Hong Kong. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you.
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 5 January 13:01
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Intimate away!
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 6 January 06:04
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Thank you for giving me your time, Let me start by introducing myself, I am Mrs. Cho Mak, a staff of Dahsong Bank Hong Kong.
A client deposited 13.9 million dollars in an account at the Dahsong bank. I was the officer assigned to his case; a few months later he was apparently dead and he listed no next of kin.
My proposal; I will nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. Upon receipt of the deposit, we share the proceeds 50/50.
Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Cho Mak.
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 6 January 11:33
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Intimate no more. I am your man.
But Cho (may I call you Cho?), how can I pass for your client? What’s his name?
Question. Will I need to grow a moustache?
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 7 January 07:12
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Call me Cho. I am very glad to note that you are a noble, matured, and trustworthy person. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly.
You do not need to grow a moustache.
Mrs. Cho Mak.
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 7 January 12:26
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I’m going to try and grow one anyway. One can never be too careful, Cho.
Meanwhile, do you think I should come to Hong Kong? How long does the transaction last? Will I have time to take in some of the sights? If so, what do you recommend? Bear in mind I get bored really easily.
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 8 January 05:10
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Dear James Veitch,
Coming to hong kong is not the problem, but first this task must be completed before planing to come to hong kong, and when this task is completed i will be glad to welcome you to hong kong. Please do you know that this is a laudable transaction we are into,
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 8 January 19:20
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Cho, I’ve looked at tickets and they’re pretty pricey. Cheeky question, but could I stay with you so I don’t have to get a hotel? Happy with sofa.
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 9 January 16:22
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There is no need to come to Hong Kong. i do not mean you should come and see me I was expecting to receive a scan copy of your identity
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 9 January 16:38
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I’m not terribly good at computers, so I’ve been having some difficulty getting you a scanned copy of my ID. But I bought a laudable scanner on the internet and it should arrive soon.
The good news is that I’m pretty much packed. Can you confirm that they have KitKats over there? I’m partial to them and if they don’t, I’m going to have to bring my own.
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 10 January 07:24
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Dear James Veitch,
Thank you for your prompt response, you are free to bring whatsoever you want to bring, there are kit kats,
Please can you send me all the information on your international passport or drivers license. You do not have to travel to anywhere for any reason. I shall await for your Update.
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 10 January 09:40
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Wonderful news about the KitKats. Here is my info as requested:
Name: Alastair James Bruce Veitch
Sex: Not for a while
Date of Birth: 01/04/1980
Nationality: British
From: Cho Mak
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 10 January 14:33
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Dear James Veitch,
I have got your information, and I will be sending them all to the lawyer. I will further update you later on the bank where you are to open a new bank account in your name
From: James Veitch
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To: Cho Mak
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Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 10 January 16:19
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One can never have enough bank accounts – that’s what I say. I just wanted to check that it’s still ok to stay at yours? Just FYI I’ll be bringing three small dogs.