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Sold!
The Meta-Scam
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: COMPENSATION Date: 25 September 15:10
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BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION
Henrygote House,
Aguyi Ironsi Street,
Maitama District Lagos, Nigeria.
Dear Scam Victim.
I am Henry McLurkin am a legal practitioner and human rights activist. It was brought to our notice that some people here engage themselves in email scams, hereby extorting money from innocent people online in pretense of Winnings and so on.Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit. Your compensation is Three Million United States Dollars. I know this may sound strange and unbelievable to you but it is true.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 25 September 17:28
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Henry, you’re 100% right. I was a scam victim. I ended up sending money to people all over the place and nothing ended up coming of it. We never made an investment and, as I predicted, hummus sky-rocketed circa 2011. Question. Is there any way we can hunt down these rascals? I’m willing to travel.
It does sound strange and unbelievable, you’re right, but then again, so did Tamagotchis and they were a goer.
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 25 September 17:55
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Dear Scam Victim, Please forward your telephone number, address and other relevant information for comparison with the information we have here to enable us release your fund immediately without delay. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you.
Henry McLurkin
Legal Practitioner
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 26 September 13:47
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I’m SO sick of all those fake lawyers, Henry. Telephone: (020) 7774 1000 Address: 16 Ringdonut St, W1 42SFGS
But oh, Henry! First there was my friend Alex and then Godwin and then Mary and Gary and then, well, I can’t remember them all but Elena was the latest. Elena was wonderful, Henry; wonderful in a way I can’t describe (mostly because we’d never met). But she had that insouciance and selfless disarming charm that we’re all after, aren’t we Henry?
Anyway, you know they say ‘’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’? Well, whoever said that had clearly not met Elena either. Because it’s killing me. I spend whole days in my room listening to 10cc’s I’m Not in Love and that Feist song Secret Heart which is actually better than the original.
I digress. Send me the 3 million. It will be easier to forget her if I have a few houses.
James
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 26 September 18:33
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I called the number you gave me few minutes ago but the lady on the phone could not understand me.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 30 September 18:38
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Why could she not understand you? Project!
Sent from my iPhone 4
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 1 October 18:15
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James, I have called you several times and I always get a woman on the phone. What is delaying you? You are required to pay a precessing and documentation fee of $390 through Paypal to Jeremiah Williams.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 1 October 18:28
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Great. Who’s Jeremiah though?
Sent from my iPhone 5
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 3 October 14:27
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That is my name,
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 5 October 12:02
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But who’s Henry McLurkin then?
Sent from my Motorola Razor
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 5 October 17:56
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I uses thia eamil for my work ok
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 5 October 18:01
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I see what you mean, Jeremiah. It’s always best to use a completely different identity for work.
How quickly does this PayPal thing work?
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 10 October 11:15
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I called the number you gave me today and the woman said there is nobody like James Veitch.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 10 October 11:18
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Are you sure you are phoning the right number?
Sent from my iPhone 7
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 10 October 11:20
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She said it was the switchboard of Goldman Sachs bank.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 10 October 11:21
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That’s the one!
Sent from my Nokia 5210
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 10 October 11:34
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She said she has checked around and there is no such person there.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 10 October 14:09
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How odd because I 100% definitely work there. That’s not the sort of thing you make a mistake about. I will have one of my assistants look into this. Are you pronouncing my name right? It’s a silent H, T and V.
Sent from my Gameboy Advance
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:06
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It will interest you to know that nobody is persuading or forcing you to claim your fund.
If you want the fund you must send the documentation fee of $390 through Paypal to Jeremiah Williams.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:09
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How quickly does this PayPal thing work
?
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:11
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Is very easy and fast paye online You can log on at www.paypal.com and get your account is very easy to create and safe ok.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:20
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It just says this when I try to email: ‘The following address is not valid: “www.paypal.com”’
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:23
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It is not email address is an website ok. Website is diffrent from email address just register with them ok
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:26
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Just so you know, you’re blowing my mind right now. It’s asking me all sorts of questions like what my mother’s maiden name is and I don’t know it. Is it ok to call her, do you think?
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:30
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Just put one ok.
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:32
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But ‘One’ wasn’t her maiden name. Or was it? It could have been actually. It would be really weird if you’d just guessed her last name. Have you ever done this sort of thing before? How many fingers am I holding up right now?
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:41
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Don’t know?
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:45
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I wasn’t holding any up! I was typing! Which is why you didn’t know. You have THE GIFT, Jeremiah. But will you use it for good or ill?
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:58
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Have you ever felt like you knew what someone is about to say before they...
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 08:59
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What
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:00
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Exactly. ‘Have you ever felt like you knew what someone is about to say before they What.’
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:13
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Live me alone go away fuck off man you are just wasting my time
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:15
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What? I finally register for PayPal and this is how you treat me?
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:17
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Okay let me have the email use to register wth them?
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:21
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ronaldmcdonald@bingbong.co.uk
From: Henry McLurkin
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:30
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You are sick
From: James Veitch
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To: Henry McLurkin
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Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 11 October 09:33
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You might be right tbh. Remember when you phoned Goldman Sachs and the switchboard operator hadn’t heard of me and I said that I definitely work there and followed up with ‘that’s not the sort of thing you make a mistake about’. Well, as it turns out, Henry, I was mistaken about it!
I did wonder why I hadn’t been paid a salary in the 14 years I’d worked there. I was very close to making a formal complaint.
In light of this news, as you can imagine, I’ve had to make a number of small changes to my lifestyle. One of them is that I can no longer send money to people I’ve met on the internet. Even if they are legal practitioners.
James Veitch
Coda
From: James Veitch
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To: Solomon Oddonkoh
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Subject: (no subject) Date: 30 January 17:44
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Solomon, I expect you’ve sussed out that I’ve known from the start that you’re a scammer. And you know that I know that you know. So I was wondering whether you’d be willing to do an interview with me about what it’s like to be a scammer?
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
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To: James Veitch
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Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 30 January 22:13
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i cannot believe i have been wasting my precious airtime with a mad man like you. What a waste is this?
You are a total disgrace to manhood.
Go fuck yourself..
fuck you asshole.
Acknowledgements
For Ma, Alan & Hannah
I’m grateful to a ton of people who’ve made this happen. So, thanks (in the order people come to mind – make of that what you will) to David Pogue for finding it funny enough for the New York Times, Catherine Hetherington for reading and re-reading and re-reading and still laughing, Jo Hayes for being a lovely and talented agent, Rachael Chadwick who inspired me and turned me on to Jo in the first place, Jane Sturrock for Monmouth coffee and solid advice, Carrie Kania for being so generous with her time, Charley Elliott and Max Shapira for the title, the French House, ramen and friendship, Gemma Corby because I miss her, Juliet Mushens and Sarah Manning for their support and help, Rebecca Soboti, Annabelle Berizzi, Claudia Laing, Lucia Brizzi, Fran Bushe and Lynsey-Anne Moffat for boundless enthusiasm, Christina Wilkins and Eleanor Rosenberg for pitch-perfect advice, Tom Lamont for laughter, encouragement, advice and believing in it and me, Harry Hill for his generosity and support, Ed Griffiths and Lucinda Nicholson for being amazing, Joel Parsons for being insanely great, Robert Forknall for being marooned and Hannah Boyde for letting me know. Alex Kern, of course, whose hacked email account inadvertently began everything. Thanks to Matt Lamont for being there at gigs and breakfast chats. Thanks to Matt Harvey for taking me on and being an exceptional agent, Paul Baker for the same, Karen Koren for taking a chance, Charley Base for just being fucking fantastic, Winnie Mandela for stirring it up, Carla and Sofia Oddy for their art, my father for his support and encouragement, Adam Barnard for suggesting I go to print, Patrick Cadell for finding my best light, and whoever mans the switchboard at Goldman Sachs for enduring God knows what. Big, massive thanks are due to the wonderful
Céline Hughes at Quadrille who has been a superb partner in crime throughout this venture; I couldn’t have asked for a more dedicated editor. And, indeed, thanks to everyone at Quadrille for working so hard to make this happen. Thanks to Nikki Ellis for laying out the whole thing, creating icons, pictures and generally, being patient when I made ridiculous requests. Thanks to CB for having made my heart beat a little faster. Thanks to Jim Nolan for being a massive part of the endeavour and the kindest person I’ve ever met. Finally, thank you Solomon. Corresponding with you was a treat.