A Mother's Choice

by Kristin Noel Fischer

  After bathing the boys, I settled them in the living room with blankets, bowls, and lots of towels. I turned on the TV and went into the kitchen to wash the dishes.

  Even though my siblings had agreed to wait until I was ready, it didn’t change the fact that we were probably going to lose my mom. Everything inside me ached at the thought of not having her in my life. She was such a great source of comfort and inspiration, not to mention the best grandmother in the world.

  I checked on the boys and saw that while Logan had fallen asleep, Zane was sitting up, drawing.

  “What are you drawing?” I asked, strolling into the living room.

  Immediately, he slammed the book close and shoved it under his blanket. “Nothing.”

  His actions set off every one of my internal alarms. “Zane, what is that? Show me.”

  “It’s nothing,” he insisted.

  He had a bad habit of drawing in Kyle’s medical books or library books. One time, he even took my checkbook and colored little notes for all his Star Wars figures.

  “Come on, Zane. Show me.”

  Tightening his grip on the book through the blanket, he shifted his eyes to the left. “It’s mine.”

  “I just want to see it,” I said, pretending I didn’t know he was lying.

  Reluctantly, he handed me the book. I leafed through the pages and saw his artwork, which was pretty impressive for a little kid. Unfortunately, the first half of the book contained my mom’s handwriting. I turned to the first page and noticed it was recently dated and read, Dear Angela, Dan, Michael, Eleanor, and Autumn.

  “Can I have it back now?” Zane asked, using his polite voice.

  My blood froze. “Grandma didn’t give this to you, did she?”

  Guilt flashed across his face. “I found it. It’s mine.”

  “Where did you find it?”

  He hung his head. “In her desk.”

  “This isn’t yours, and you shouldn’t have taken it. I’m very disappointed.”

  He puffed out his lip. “But I miss her, Mom.”

  I narrowed my eyes. Was he being serious or just manipulative? “I know you do. I miss her, too, but you can’t take things that don’t belong to you.”

  “But I didn’t draw on the pages she used.”

  I nodded and found a Spiderman notebook and orange Longhorn pen on the coffee table he could use. “Here, promise me you won’t take things that don’t belong to you.”

  “I won’t.” He took my hand and placed something round and solid in my palm. “Will you give this to Grandma for me? Tell her I’m sorry, and I hope she gets better soon?”

  I looked down to see his prized dinosaur egg. “Oh, Zane. That’s sweet of you. Are you sure you don’t want to keep it?”

  “I’m sure.”

  I couldn’t help but grin and ask the question, “What if it hatches in the hospital?”

  He smiled and leaned forward to whisper in my ear. “I know it isn’t real, Mom. I just like pretending it’s a dinosaur egg.”

  I wrapped my arms around his wiggly body and squeezed him tight. “Baby bear is growing up!”

  “I’m going to kindergarten next year, you know.”

  “I know.”

  With that settled, I took the dinosaur egg and book into the kitchen and placed them on the table. I made myself a cup of coffee and debated whether or not to open the journal again. The first sentence made it seem like my mom was writing a letter to my siblings and me. Did that justify reading it?

  On one hand, I didn’t want to violate her privacy, but what if she’d had a premonition about the accident and these were her last wishes? Wouldn’t it be best for us to know what she wanted in the event of her passing?

  Convinced I had my mother’s best interests in mind, I opened the journal and began to read.

  Dear Angela, Eleanor, Dan, Michael, and Autumn,

  I need to tell you something that will change how you feel about me. While this news will have the greatest impact on Autumn, I know it will also come as a shock to you older kids. I simply ask you, my children, to keep an open mind and try to understand why I did what I felt I had to do. Why I felt I had no other choice.

  I hope in time, you’ll be able to forgive me.

  All my love,

  Mom

  Chapter 31

  A sense of peace filled me after dreaming about Ruby and her daughter. For the first time since the accident, I had a purpose in life. A reason to get out of bed, eat, and take care of myself.

  Father Tim disapproved of my plan, insisting it would only end in heartbreak. “My heart is already broken,” I told him. “This is a way to provide healing for all of us.”

  “You’re making a mistake. You’re not thinking,” he said.

  He didn’t understand that after weeks of living in a fog, I was finally thinking clearly. Over the next several days, Tim and I spent hours talking about the adoption. Despite his compassion for my situation, he refused to support me.

  At one point, Eleanor caught the two of us arguing. I tried to reassure her everything was fine, but of course it wasn’t. I was planning to give away her sister, which sounded horrible when I thought of it in those terms.

  One overcast afternoon, Tim and I sat at the little table in my kitchen drinking tea while the children were at school. The Seattle rain pelted against the window, and I pulled my sweater a little tighter. I’d just finished trying to explain my decision for the hundredth time.

  He dropped a cube of sugar into his teacup and stirred it vigorously, the spoon clanking noisily. “Of course I understand. Especially if you feel God spoke to you in a dream. I gave up sex, a wife, and children because God spoke to me. But we have to be careful about not confusing God’s desire for our lives with our own stubborn will.”

  “So you think I’m just being stubborn? You don’t think God gave me this vision?”

  He sighed heavily and lifted his tea cup to his lips but put it back down without taking a sip. “I didn’t say that.”

  A tense silence followed in which we both stared out the window, watching the rain. It’d been an unseasonably cold fall, even by Seattle’s standards, and I envied my parents for having moved back to Texas. I wondered if moving south would help the constant depression that hovered over me. Maybe I was simply doomed to feel sad forever.

  “If you actually go through with this, and everything is fine with the adoption,” Tim began, “how are you going to handle seeing your daughter being raised by another woman?”

  My heart lifted because maybe I was finally getting through to him. “Don’t you see? Ruby isn’t just another woman, she’s my best friend. She’s like a sister to me.”

  “I just don’t know, Nadine. All my instincts tell me you’ll regret it.”

  I took a slow sip of my tea. “If Ruby refuses to take the baby, then I’m asking you to give my daughter to another deserving family. It hurts to admit this, but I’m not in a position to care for another child. I’ve got Eleanor and the boys who need me. I can barely take care of myself right now, let alone an infant.”

  He reached out and covered my hand with his. “Sweetheart, there are organizations that can help you. The church can help you.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to be on your charity list.”

  “It wouldn’t be like that.” He closed his eyes, and I braced myself for another lecture. “Let’s just see how things go after the baby is born. Maybe when you see her and hold her, you’ll change your mind.”

  “No. I don’t want to see her. And I definitely don’t want to hold her. I just want you to make sure she gets to Ruby. Promise me.”

  “I can’t make promises like that.”

  I jutted out my chin. “Then I’ll find someone who can.”

  Whether it was the tone of my voice or divine inspiration, he finally stopped trying to change my mind and agreed to accompany me to the meeting with his brother. At Ray’s office, I sat next to Tim on the couch and explained how I wanted to giv
e my baby up for adoption.

  Ray frowned and looked at Tim before turning his attention back to me. “Are you sure this is something you want to do? Many women in your position feel differently after the baby is born.”

  “In my position?” I said with a snort. “Do you have many clients who’ve lost their husband, their daughter, their grandchild, and their best friend’s son?”

  The lawyer tapped a pen against his legal pad. “Of course not, but I have clients who find themselves in difficult situations. I just want you to understand all your options.”

  My options? Did I even have options?

  Ironically, I had sat with Jude and Angela in this very office, on this very couch, discussing Angela’s options. All the anguish over our unwed daughter’s decision to keep her baby had been pointless. That innocent child had died along with her mother.

  Pushing away the pain, I wrung my hands together and gathered my strength. “I want to sign the papers before I deliver, so everything will be in order. And I want this to be a closed adoption, but you have to assure me Ruby McCoy will get my baby.”

  Ray sat back in his chair and studied me as though questioning my mental health. “If you know Ruby is the adoptive mother, then this won’t be a closed adoption.”

  “Only on her part. I’ll know the truth, but she won’t.” I rubbed a hand over my enormous belly. I’d never been this large with the other pregnancies, and although my doctor insisted everything was fine, and there was no need to do a sonogram or further testing, I couldn’t help but worry.

  Ray leaned forward. “Mrs. Kingsley, you don’t want to do this. Such an arrangement might not even be legal.”

  “I’ll pay you,” I said. “Whatever it costs. Jude left me a fortune in life insurance, and you can have it.”

  Tim tensed beside me but said nothing. His brother gazed out the window onto the busy street. So many cars and people raced back and forth. What was the point of all this hurrying around? Didn’t they know everything they cared about could be lost in an instant?

  Had I known how quickly my life would change, I would have slowed down and taken the time to enjoy life. I would have held on to Jude and been more loving toward Angela. I would’ve given Eric more attention and told him how much he meant to me.

  Scooting to the edge of the couch, I pleaded with Ray. “I need to do this. I’m going to do this. If you can’t help me, I’ll find someone else, but I’d prefer to use your services. I trust you.” I squared my shoulders, hoping to appear more confident than I felt.

  Ray ran a hand through his thinning hair and looked at his brother. “Father Tim? How do you feel about all this?”

  Tim exhaled slowly, and I feared he would try to talk me out of it again. Instead, he took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Nadine has spent an enormous amount of time thinking and praying over this decision. While it’s not something I recommend, or even agree with, I won’t stand in her way.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief.

  Ray crossed his legs. “I won’t be involved in anything that’s illegal or could jeopardize my agency’s reputation.”

  My body felt lighter, and I moved a hand over my belly just as the baby let out a whopping kick. “Of course not. But this baby is not mine to keep. She belongs to Ruby. I believe that with all my heart.”

  Ray nodded, and I thanked him for helping me, but he held up a hand. “I’m not saying yes. Just that I’ll look into it. Give me a few days to make some phone calls.”

  I nodded enthusiastically. “Okay, but please understand I’m not keeping this baby, and I don’t want to see her. I can’t see her. At least not until she belongs to Ruby. Please promise me that.”

  “But if Ruby doesn’t want her—”

  “She will. I know she will. I don’t know what will happen with her marriage, but if you tell her there’s a little baby who needs a good home, I know Ruby will take her.”

  The lawyer crinkled his brow. “And you’re certain it’s a girl?”

  “Yes. That’s what God told me in my dream.”

  Chapter 32

  My mother’s journal read like a fast-paced novel. She’d met my father in high school and had instantly fallen in love with him. They’d faced obstacles but had overcome them to create a beautiful life together.

  I read the pages in one sitting, and when I finished, I could hardly believe what I’d learned. Eleanor had misunderstood the conversation about adoption between Father Tim and our mom.

  It was our mother, not Father Tim, who wanted to give me away.

  She’d wanted to give me to Ruby, and honestly, I didn’t blame her. She’d lost so much, and suddenly she was a single mother with three kids to raise. No wonder she didn’t think she could handle another child.

  In the end, however, she’d kept me. So what changed her mind? Seeing me in the delivery room? Holding me for the first time?

  I leafed through the journal, searching for answers that weren’t there before realizing several pages had been removed. My mom must’ve used a ruler and a razor blade to take them out, but why? And where were they now?

  I ran a finger over the smooth edges. Did these missing pages contain the reason behind my mom’s decision to keep me, or was there more to her secret?

  Closing the notebook, I took a sip of my coffee, which had grown cold. Father Tim had been a good friend to my mom after my father died, and I felt foolish for ever believing they’d been romantically involved. Judging by the journal, he was obviously dedicated to the vows of his profession.

  When my phone rang, I was so absorbed in my own thoughts I jumped. Glancing down, I saw it was Father Tim. “Autumn, dear. How are you? Eleanor tells me your boys have a stomach bug?”

  I looked at Logan and Zane who were both sound asleep on the couch. Thankfully, neither one of them had thrown up since getting home. “I think they’re feeling better. Hopefully, the worst has passed.”

  “Wonderful. Thank you for contacting me about your mother. I’m grateful I saw her, despite the situation.”

  “Of course. I know you were good friends, and … well, I saw the letter you wrote. About her choice?”

  “Yes,” he said, solemnly.

  I walked over to the sink and dumped out my coffee. “I was wondering … could you tell me about her choice? Was it just the fact she was going to give me up for adoption then changed her mind?”

  He was silent for a moment. “You know about that?”

  “Yes,” I said, not admitting I’d read the journal.

  “I’ll tell you everything, but I’d like to speak in person. May I come see you?”

  I looked at my boys and realized this was probably the best idea. I certainly wasn’t going to wake them up in order to meet Father Tim at a coffee shop. “Sure. But you don’t have a car.”

  “Not a problem, darling. And Ellie gave me your address.”

  Darling … the word reverberated in my head. Did he call everyone darling? He certainly seemed fond of the endearment. “Okay, Father, I’ll see you when you get here.”

  “See you shortly. And Autumn?”

  “Yes?”

  He cleared his throat. “I’m bringing a friend of your mother’s with me. Her name is Ruby, and she’s here with her daughter—Faith.”

  *

  Energized with excitement, I quickly cleaned the kitchen then rushed around the house with a laundry basket, filling it with toys, clothing, and various clutter. I stashed the laundry basket in the closet and checked my refrigerator. Hopefully, Father Tim, Ruby, and Faith wouldn’t want anything to eat because I had nothing to offer but a few hot dogs and leftover macaroni and cheese. Tomorrow, I had to go to the grocery store.

  The boys were sleeping when the bell rang. Neither one of them budged as I opened the front door to find Father Tim standing on the porch with two women.

  Ruby was the older lady from the hospital, and I embraced her, wondering how I’d failed to make the connection. She pulled away and pressed her hands to my
face. Tears pooled in her eyes. “Oh, Autumn. It’s so good to see you.”

  “It’s wonderful to meet you!” I assumed Father Tim had told her about my mom, and that was why she’d come to Texas.

  Ruby smiled that same smile from all her pictures. She was lovely, and I desperately wanted to understand what happened to end her friendship with my mother.

  Ruby gestured to the woman beside her. “Autumn, this is my daughter Faith.”

  My heart stopped as I gaped at the other woman. “Faith?”

  Faith gave a tentative smile that slowly rose to engulf her entire face. My knees wobbled, knowing the truth in my heart before my mind could comprehend. “You’re Ruby’s daughter?” I asked, shocked and confused.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  She smiled again and reached into her purse to retrieve an envelope written in my mom’s handwriting.

  I sucked in a quick breath. “I found that envelope on my mom’s desk in a stack of letters marked outgoing.”

  “Did you read it?” she asked.

  “No. It was sealed, so I put a stamp on it and stuck it in the mailbox with the utility bill.”

  Ruby placed an arm over her daughter’s shoulders and smiled at me. “Perhaps we should come inside and have Faith read your mother’s letter.”

  “Yes, I think that would be best,” Father Tim said.

  “Of course.” I opened the door wide and led my guests past the boys and into the kitchen where we sat around the table, my mother’s journal and Zane’s dinosaur egg sitting in the center.

  Then Faith read the letter.

  Chapter 33

  Dear Faith,

  You are probably wondering why an old lady has sent you pages from her journal. I assure you, I’m not crazy. I’m just trying to find a way to best explain something I did several years ago.

  Your mother Ruby is my best friend. I say “is”—even though we haven’t talked in thirty years—because I have never replaced her. Not a day passes when I don’t think about her. And you.

  Please read these pages I wrote for my children. I don’t want to interrupt your life or that of your mother’s. But I’ve kept this secret long enough, and now it’s time to face my fears and allow the truth to come to light.