by Emily Snow
Gage didn’t show up that night either, and it hurt my heart, but I knew it was necessary. Maybe he knew I wasn’t taking him up on his offer and I’d chosen to go home. Maybe he knew as much as I did that I had to go, even when he didn’t want me to. I should have been satisfied with that… right? That should have made me happy because it meant it would be easier for me to leave. I wouldn’t have to worry about hurting him.
Finally, the tears fell, as I realized maybe he was out doing something with another girl. Any girl. He could have been doing it just to forget. He probably knew he wouldn’t be able to hold me back, so I broke down, sobbed into my hands until I couldn’t cry anymore. I hated how much it hurt. How much love hurt. I was so used to being myself, avoiding boys, and doing my own thing, and then bam, there’s Gage Grendel. He had my heart and I didn’t even know I’d given it to him.
Full of sorrow, I stood and went to my room, nowhere near ready for Sunday. It was time; I knew. I had to let it go and tell myself that my life and career was more important… even if I did have an aching heart during the process.
I woke up early Sunday. I turned off the alarm on my phone, climbed out of bed grudgingly, brushed my teeth, got dressed, and then grabbed my bags. Ben was already waiting in the kitchen with a mug in his hand, which most likely contained coffee. I adjusted the strap of my bag on my shoulder, giving him a forced smile.
“Morning, sweetie,” he whispered.
“Morning,” I sighed, dropping my bags by the door. I slid my fingers into my back pockets, staring at Ben who was staring at me. “What?” I asked, suddenly self-conscious. I knew I looked horrible from my lack of sleep, but he didn’t have to stare at me.
“Nothing,” he said simply, then took a sip of his coffee.
“Is Marco already out?” I asked, reaching for my bags again. The sooner I was home, the better. I couldn’t linger around because lingering meant wallowing again.
“Yeah, Liza. Go ahead.” He forced a smile, but my eyebrows knitted, confused by his staring and short responses.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I finally asked, twisting around to look at him.
He paused in taking a sip of his coffee as he stared into my swollen eyes. He then placed his coffee down on the counter and sighed, and I hated myself for taking my heartache out on him. “Liza,” he murmured again, stepping out of the kitchen. He met up to me, pulled me in for a hug, and I squeezed my eyes shut, begging for no tears. “Sweetie, I know you’re upset you have to go,” he said, rubbing my back. “I’m sorry it has to be like this for you. I’m sorry it’s so hard.” He pushed me back by the shoulders and a tear fell down my cheek. “You know just as well as I do that school and your future comes first. It’s all you’ve ever talked about. You come before any guy, no matter if he has your heart or not. There’ll always be chances to see Gage again—”
“It won’t be the same, Ben,” I said, cutting him off midsentence.
“How will it not?”
“It just… won’t. I know it. I haven’t seen him in two nights. He knows it, too.”
“Two nights?” His lips twisted as he pulled back. “Oh. I’m sorry, Liza Bear.”
“It’s fine. He just made it easier for me to go.” I turned my back to Ben, bending down to reach for my bags again. “I’ll be ready to go when you are.”
His lips parted, as if he were going to say something, but he decided to hold off and nod his head instead. I swung the door open and as soon as I did, my breath caught at the sight of Gage. My heart skipped a beat, looking at his fist that was about to knock.
His gaze swung up quickly as the door opened, and as he saw me, his eyes softened. There were dark circles beneath them, like he hadn’t slept in hours. His clothes looked worn and used, and his hair was messier than the norm but still unbelievably sexy. I took a look over my shoulder, glad Ben was making his way down the hallway.
I then looked at Gage who had taken a step down, his eyes pleading. “Eliza, can we talk?” he asked. Right after he asked, he took a glance at the bags in my hands and on my shoulder.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Gage.” I stepped down and walked past him to get across the parking lot and to Marco’s truck, but before I could make it, he caught my arm and spun me around.
“Eliza, stop. I’m sorry. I got… I got caught up.”
“With what, Gage?” I snapped, yanking my arm free. He swallowed, his head lowering. “With fucking your whores? The dozens of skanks who only want you for your stardom?” My tone was harsh, I knew it, but I was furious. I couldn’t stop. “I thought we had fun. I actually wanted something more. I considered telling you good-bye the right way, but then you just… you disappeared on me.” My eyes burned as my voice cracked. He lifted his head and reached for my face, but I pulled back. “Don’t touch me. Just go away.”
“Eliza, I’m sorry. I swear. I got caught up! Penelope wouldn’t leave. She threatened me after seeing us together Friday night. She’s been watching me. I don’t know how she’s been doing it, but she threatened to tell about Kris if I didn’t spend time with her. I’m not letting her do that.”
I scowled at him, jabbing a finger against his chest. “You were with Penelope?” I snarled. “Seriously!”
“I’m sorry! I told you about her. She knows too much. I tried calling Ben to get in contact with you, Eliza. I called almost every chance I could, but his phone kept going straight to voicemail—I even came here when I got a chance, but no one answered the fucking door!”
“You swore, Gage! You fucking swore you would leave her alone for me!”
“Eliza, I-I’m sorry.”
I shook my head with incredulous eyes. I couldn’t believe him. While I was alone and worried about him, he was with her. Vicious thoughts came to mind and I wanted to slap him so badly, but I held off, biting my lip.
“It’s good you were with her, Gage,” I said. “It’s good.”
His eyes struck with pain. “How? Why would you say that?”
“Because it makes it easier to leave. It makes it easier to forget about whatever it was between us. I knew it wouldn’t work.”
His mouth fell open, gaping. He took a step back, as if I’d just shot him right in the heart. Perhaps that’s what it felt like because as I went over my words, I realized how harsh they sounded. But he hurt me. I couldn’t let it go. The night we shared at the hotel… what was that to him?
“I don’t know why I put so much trust in you. You warned me yourself. You’re fucking selfish, Gage.”
“Eliza, you don’t mean any of this. I’m sorry, I swear.” He reached for my hand, but I yanked back.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I snarled.
He looked me over, baffled, and I wanted to leave him stumped. I was pissed. I couldn’t face him anymore. He was a liar. He was my first at everything and he just… demolished it. I thought we had more, but seeing as he was with Penelope for two whole days, perhaps I was wrong.
I decided not to say anything else. I had to go.
Immediately.
I turned, pulling my bag on my shoulder and fighting tears, but Gage ran around me to stop me. “Eliza, don’t leave me. Please,” he whispered, grabbing my hands. Tears were building up in his eyes, but I shook my head. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t match his pain with my own. I would cave. I didn’t need to cave; I just needed to go. “I was trying to find time to get you to change your mind, and I’m sorry I let her get in our way. I’m sorry I didn’t spend the last two nights with you. It was all I wanted, but… she kept holding me back. She knew I was going to drop her for you, so she wailed on me. She threatened to expose me and Kris.”
I shook my head. “I have to go, Gage.”
“Eliza, no. Please,” he begged, gripping my hands and placing his forehead against mine. “Eliza, you mean so much to me. You can’t just leave like this.”
I refused to open my eyes. I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t break. I only shook my head, hoping he would
let me go.
“Just think about it, Eliza. I can take care of you. I can set up that graphic design job for you. If you want me to, I’ll set it up right now. I can buy you an apartment—uh… a house. I know how much you love to read… I can build you a ton of bookshelves… buy you a ton of books if it’ll make you smile. I’ll even give you your own studio to paint and draw in whenever you want to make your usual escapes. We can live together when this tour is over. I’ll let you pick where we live—any state. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter as long as we’re together. Whenever I have to go somewhere, you can come with me. You can travel with me. We can continue being happy… We’ll do good.” His voice broke, causing my eyes to open. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, and I bit my bottom lip. He knew me so well and it was hurting me even more.
“I can do so much for you, Eliza. Just… don’t leave what we have behind. Stay. Please. Don’t go like this.” A sudden guilt took hold of me. Tears continued running down his cheeks, and I bit my bottom lip, wanting to hold back, but it was impossible. Seeing him cry made me cry. Seeing him crack and break was making me break.
“Gage, I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t. I have to go back. I have to live my own life. I’ve told you this.”
“You can. You love me, right? You can build your life with me.” He cupped my face, bringing my lips to his. “You can, Eliza. Stay with me. I swear I’ll drop Penelope. If that’s what you’re worried about, I’ll call her right now and tell her we’re done. I’ll give it all up for you, Eliza. I’ll let her tell the whole damn world about Kris and me as long as I can keep you in my arms. I don’t give a fuck about her. I love you. Please…” he begged, tears gushing. I knew he was only saying this to keep me around. He didn’t mean it. He wasn’t going to let Penelope win that easily. “Please, don’t leave me. Don’t make me empty again. Don’t let me break.”
I swallowed a sob, dropping my bags. His eyes filled with relief at the sight of my bags on the ground, but I cupped his face, kissing him deeply, passionately. I don’t know how long I kissed him, but I tried so hard to let go. It was hard to let go. I wanted to be in his embrace for the rest of my life. I wanted him to kiss me like this every hour of every day, but I knew we couldn’t. Not yet. I had to go back. I had to go through with what I wanted. As much as it ripped me in half to think about—to go through—I had to.
“I love you, Gage, but I can’t stay.”
I stroked his cheek, but he shook his head, sobbing as his forehead fell onto my shoulder. He clutched me in his arms, refusing for me to leave. I tried to pull away, but each time he held on tighter, shaking his head. “Eliza… I’m begging you.”
“I—I can’t, Gage.”
“You can!” he shouted, finally releasing me. “You can! You don’t understand how much I need you around me. I need your smile, your grace… your love. I need everything about you in order to be happy. I won’t be happy if you leave, and you know this! You won’t be happy either, so just… stay with me. Please. Follow your heart, Eliza. You love me! Don’t let this go.”
I bit into my bottom lip, almost drawing blood. I shook my head. The longer I was to stand there crying with him, it was going to be harder and harder to go. “I have to go, Gage. I’m sorry. We’ll see each other again,” I assured him. “We’ll work something out.”
“Eliza, no! Fuck… no. Stop. I’m not letting you leave!” He stopped me from grabbing my bags. I stared into his hurt, angry eyes. Tears were still streaming and my vision became blurry again. Something loud came from behind him, almost like the slamming of a door, but I couldn’t look away. Deep voices yelled his name, but neither of us averted our gazes. He grabbed me again and I slowly pulled away.
“Gage, you have to let me go,” I whispered, shaking my head.
He didn’t say anything. He just kept tugging on my arm. He was about to wrap his arms around me and I would have allowed him had someone not pulled me back by the shoulders to get me out of his grasp. My eyes were stuck on Gage, who was being hauled back by Montana and Roy. I wasn’t sure who grabbed me at first, but by the hand that was rubbing circles on my back, I was certain it was Ben.
Gage was yelling my name fiercely, begging me not to leave. To stay. He yelled it repeatedly and I couldn’t force myself to look away from his pain. Montana kept pushing him back by his chest, stealing glances at me, and Roy was holding Gage’s arms, securing them behind his back so he wouldn’t swing. “Eliza, you can’t fucking leave like this!” Gage yelled again. I flinched and soon I was pushed onto leather and the car door shut in my face… but I could still see him. And it was like he could still see me, even through the tinted windows. He was still glaring at me, veins popping out on his neck as Montana and Roy used all their strength to push him toward the FireNine bus. Soon, Deed came limping out, his eyes wide with shock as he rushed to help Montana and Roy.
But there was no need for Deed to help because Gage gave out. He stopped yelling and the boys tried to hold him up, but he ended up buckling to his knees. I gasped, tears falling down my face. I was sobbing and I hadn’t even realized it. I was choking, desperate to get out of the car and comfort him, but I knew better. I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I had to go.
But as Gage called my name one last time, something cracked inside me. I grabbed the door handle of the car and pushed out, rushing in Gage’s direction. His head was still hanging down so he couldn’t see me coming, but I wasn’t stopping. I would clash into him if I had to. I would do whatever to let him know I loved him with all my heart. I was in love with him and distance would never change that.
I was almost there—just a few more steps—but before I could make it, one of the security guards grabbed me and I wailed as they rushed me back to the car. “Gage, I’m so sorry!” I yelled, fighting my hardest to get out of the guard’s arms. “I’m so sorry. I love you.”
He heard me, I knew, because he shook his head, keeping it down. The security guard stuffed me into the car, strapped my seatbelt around me, and then slammed the door before standing in front of it, making sure I wasn’t going to get out again. I saw camera lights flickering and I wasn’t sure where they were coming from. I turned and looked out the window past Gage. Cal was stepping out with a camera in hand, eyes wide as he stared at Gage on his knees. He then rushed back inside, pulling out his phone on the way. I didn’t know what he was doing, and I didn’t really care. I couldn’t even think straight. I was hurting.
Breaking.
Obliterating.
As soon as Ben tossed the bags into the trunk, slammed it closed, and hopped into the backseat, ordering Marco to drive, he pulled me against him and stroked my hair, cooing to me that everything was going to be all right. But I knew it wasn’t. I was hurting, breaking on the inside, but it was best not to look back.
As soon as I sorrowfully kissed Ben good-bye and boarded the jet, I stared out the window and completely broke down. Sob after sob. Tear after heavy tear. I was lucky to be on the jet alone because I had all the time to myself to let it all go. To release the pain, the hurt, and grief. It literally killed me inside. I broke Gage. I took his happiness with me. I created a hole within him, leaving him empty once again.
The times when I couldn’t stand him, I’d tell myself repeatedly it’s who he is. His ways—the sleeping around, flirting, partying, drinking, and hurting girls… It was all him because it was the only way he could forget—the only way he wouldn’t have to feel anything. The only way he wouldn’t remember his past and how much Kristina actually took away from him.
But a part of him changed somehow. It wasn’t a complete change, but it was enough, and the saddest, most heart-wrenching part about it was the changes were made for me. The changes were made so he could love me.
And since I was now on my way home—since I was leaving him behind, along with the relationship he wanted to continue and grow between us—I knew I’d destroyed him. I knew sooner or later his past doings, which I despised so much, would consume him all
over again just so he wouldn’t have to feel the pain, the hurt, and the heartache. Simply so he could try and forget about someone else who was close to his heart.
And I hated the ache within me.
I hated that—because of my priorities, my life, and my decision—I’d be the one to blame for Gage Grendel’s shattered heart.
THANK YOU
I know I said before that this book was something completely new for me… well, not completely, but sort of. I guess the steaminess will always be with me. I love this book. I love Gage Grendel. I felt a connection with him and Eliza that I’ve never felt before. It’s hard to explain, but let’s just say I don’t want their story to end... like, ever. I adore this couple to the max. I’m purposely working slowly on book two so it won’t have to end. Eliza reminds me a lot of myself. A girl who puts her priorities first. A girl who feels wise enough to become responsible at a young age. I connected well with her and I think this is why she’s my favorite lead female character I’ve created thus far.
I want to give all my honor to God for giving me this amazing talent. I can only get better, and He’s proving this. He’s blessed me tremendously at such a young age.
Thanks so much to Stina Rubio for reading my stories and falling in love with Gage just as much as me. For talking to me literally every day and allowing me to keep my head up, even when I feel down. I loved your reaction to this book—to Gage. It gave me a small boost of confidence about the whole book. I love you, chick!
Thank you Kim Bias of Reviews by Tammy & Kim for pointing out the minor flaws in WHI, telling me how much I was going to get drilled for the ending and making me nervous, and even giving me good feedback. I will never take your help for granted. It means so much to my characters and me, believe it or not. Thank you.