by London Casey
“Like my grandmother?”
“In a way, yeah. Not that it should lessen your pain, Em. But for me, it was just so sudden. And Sadie was only two. I had this baby in my arms… and I had to talk to the police. I had to go to the hospital. We had nobody to even call for help. Her parents were flakes. Living in southern Florida, never believing in anything but the beach. Stacked with so much debt, they would file bankruptcy and then emerge, her father creating some new scheme. The only good they did was pay for all the funeral services. You know, they didn’t even attend.”
“What?”
Jake nodded. “They only met Sadie once. And after Everly was gone, so were they. Never heard from them again. And my parents… that’s why we connected. We kind of came from nothing, Em. We appreciated little things. I was slugging a wrench around a garage since I was thirteen. Working under the table. Doing anything to survive. Then she walked into a pizza shop and my life changed. She was helping a friend move. Our first date she complained about her friend being so stuck up. All Everly wanted was a simple life. So did I. It just worked, Em. And it scares me because it works with you. You and me. This whole thing. And… I can’t control what people do or say. When Everly was gone I became a hermit. People brought me food. Flowers. Offering to help. All of a sudden, there were people in my life. People that a week before didn’t give a damn. I became a tragic celebrity. I thought about moving but I couldn’t leave Everly’s memory behind. So I stuck it out. I did dumb shit, Em. I drank too much sometimes. I had to have Mickey pull my ass out of the fire more than once. I never once put Sadie in harm’s way though. I forced myself to see a doctor. She was nice. She gave me pills. I refused to take those pills. I didn’t want to be fucked up around Sadie. But it all just collapsed around me.”
Jake looked at the pictures. He reached and put his pointer finger to one stuck in the mirror.
“I get it,” I whispered. “Not in the way you do, but I get it. And I would never look at you and think anything. I do love you, Jake. And I’m not afraid to love Everly’s memory either.”
“But it’s not your job,” Jake said through gritted teeth.
“But it is,” I said. “For Sadie.”
Jake looked at me. I saw the glimmer of a tear as it fell from his eye. It was like slow motion, falling and splashing to the dresser.
That’s when Jake let out a grunting growl sound. He threw his arms to the left, clearing one side of the dresser. Before I could get to him, he cleared the other side. It happened so fast. Picture frames flying through the air. Smashing to the floor. Two of them shattering with ease.
He grabbed for all the pictures stuck in the mirror and raked his fingers at them.
I grabbed his arm and hugged. I pulled.
“Jake, don’t,” I said. “Don’t do this. Don’t let it out like this.”
Jake finally turned and looked down at me.
“I can never let her go for good,” he whispered.
“I would never ask that.”
“How’s that fair to you? What can I give you in return for that?”
“This,” I whispered. “The real Jake. The raw Jake.”
I slowly reached up and slid my thumb across a tear on his cheek.
Jake lifted me and turned again, walking me to the bed. He threw me down and collapsed on top of me. His lips crashed to mine. We kissed, my hands clawing at his shirt. His hands grabbed my sides a little too tight but I let it go for the moment.
He broke the kiss. His nose against mine. Moving left to right.
“If I do this, Em, with you… fuck, I already am.”
“Then don’t stop,” I said. “I’m right here, Jake. I know the pain. I know the loss. Whatever you need. Thank you for showing me this room. Where you loved her.”
“I’m fucked up, Em. For leaving this room like this. Right?”
“No, Jake. You’re not. It was the last of what you had with her.”
“The last…”
Jake curled his lip. The anger swept across his face. I started to shake, never experiencing a moment so powerful in my life. I could only hang onto his shirt and hope that I was still hanging onto his heart.
Jake slid from the bed, taking me with him. My back was against the bed. Jake put his head to my chest. I slid my fingers into his hair. I held him tight. I kissed his head.
I looked forward and saw one picture left dangling on the mirror.
A picture of Everly.
I promise… I’ll love him like you did… he’ll never forget you…
We sat there in silence but I knew Jake was emotional.
I wasn’t sure if it was ten minutes or an hour later, but Jake finally looked up at me.
“Em, will you do something for me?”
“Anything, Jake.”
“I want you to read your poetry to me.”
Open the crack filled sky
Desire tumbles
Soft and sweet
A grass filled hill
Down into flowers
Down into you
Counting the clouds and waiting for shapes
The only shape that matters
The way your hand fits into mine
I can offer the dull knife
If you want to carve what’s left of us
We don't have to watch anymore
I’m a giant against the picket fence
The one I dreamed of when I was a little girl
Riding a secondhand bike with a ripped sticker of a happy girl
Missing one streamer
A bell rusted, unable to sing
Silenced
Me
Pausing in front of the crack
Wishing it were bigger
Falling into the darkness but knowing…
It has to be better than this
The white fence, red roses, blue door
The gold numbers, perfect mailbox, swing set dancing in the wind
The matching curtains, two car garage, basketball hoop attached above
Nothing is missing, misplaced, cracked, broken, or ruined
Everything I am not
I swallowed and looked up from the notebook. Jake sat at the top step of the deck. His back against the one post, left foot on the second step. A beer in his hand. I wasn’t sure I had ever seen anyone so sexy in my life. To the point that is scared me how it made me feel.
“That’s beautiful, Em,” he said. “I mean… wow. I can feel that. I can see it. I don’t read at all, but I get that. I would read more. Actually, I used to read poems to Sadie to help her sleep. Silly kid stuff but it soothed her.”
“Well, I have plenty to go here,” I said.
He looked at me. “I love you, Emily. I want you to know that. I’m pissed off that you’re going down this path with me.”
“I’m not,” I said. “I know the whole fate thing is just…” I stuck my tongue out and rolled my eyes. “… but look where we are right now. So why don’t we just see what tomorrow brings? I’m not looking into forever.”
Even though I sort of want that with you.
“I like that way of thinking, Em. I’m so happy you moved in here. I’m so happy Sadie has you. And I want you two to get closer. I’m okay with that. And I love you for wanting to preserve Everly’s memory. It’s so hard to do that.”
I closed the notebook and sat next to Jake. I put my head to his shoulder. I could smell his skin. It made me tingle everywhere.
“So what do we do now?” I whispered.
I could feel we were both emotionally drained.
Jake turned his head. I saw the corner of his mouth slightly curve into a smile. “I say there’s something in your eye and you should sleepover.”
“Mountain troll,” I whispered.
He touched my chin and kissed me. “Now you’re one too.”
We kissed again.
And we kept kissing.
Writing sweet, tragic poetry with our tongues…
Chapter Thirty-Four
; Princess… OMG
(Jake)
I took most of the day off from the shop. I had busted my ass two nights in row, working extra late, just me, Mickey, and a static radio blaring classic rock. Mickey bitched the entire time that it wasn’t really classic rock. He smoked too much, had a few nips of whiskey, only stopping when I warned him that he was going to end up spending the night sleeping on the garage floor.
All of it worth it because it was the day to go to the daycare center for the castle party. With the intentions of taking Sadie to the babysitter’s house afterwards and going to the shop to get a few hours in.
I asked Emily to take Sadie to school so I could get ready.
And by get ready… I meant get fucking ready.
Sadie had been upset that morning - and days before - wishing she had someone to come and be a princess alongside her. And I knew how bad Emily wanted to do that for Sadie.
But I had a point to prove.
To both of my princesses. I wanted Sadie to see how much I damn well loved her. And that no matter what happens in life you never forget to live, exist, and forget what anyone has to say. To not let circumstances take you down. To always rise up. And to have fun in life. All that? That was because of Emily. So I wanted to show her what she had done to me.
I stepped out of the house and walked to my truck unseen, which was good.
A grown man dressed as a princess climbing into a big pickup truck was just…
Well, it was the job of a single father of a four year old girl who wanted to have a princess tea party at daycare.
So there I was, dressed all in pink, a fluffy looking dress that I bought online cheap, along with a pointed pink cap with a white streamer coming down one side. The hat was next to me in the truck as I drove.
I was uncomfortable, itchy, the fluffy dress making my ass go numb so I had to keep shifting as I was driving.
All for Sadie. All for Emily.
Now, try to picture this.
I parked my truck in the second spot and got out of the truck. The sleeves of the princess costume stopped at the top of my biceps. Pink dress, white trim that hugged tight. My arms filled with tattoos. Bright colors and designs. All the way down my arms, wrists, even to my fingers. I was tall, wide, built for a fight but dressed for a tea party with my daughter.
I grabbed my princess hat and stuck it on my head.
I walked into the building and down the hall.
The walls were now traded from their past jungle theme to a castle theme. Knights on horses, princesses, white horses, castles everywhere.
I walked to the door where Sadie was and I knocked.
A second later the door opened and Emily stood there.
Her eyes went wide. Her jaw dropped.
Miss Anderson looked up from her desk and her face did the same.
“I’m here for the party,” I said.
“Jake…” Emily’s head shook with OMG…
“Daddy!” Sadie yelled from her chair.
She was in the same costume as I was, just much MUCH smaller.
“Come on in,” Emily said.
I stepped into the classroom and all eyes were on me.
Kids, parents, everyone.
I nodded, smiled, and Sadie hurried to hug my leg.
I dropped to one knee to face her. “I’m here, sweetheart. You wanted a princess tea party and we’re going to have it. Do you have a seat for me?”
“Yes, I do,” Sadie said in a very proper voice.
I stood and felt everyone still staring.
Emily brushed by my arm. “This is the sweetest thing I have ever seen in my life.”
“It’s your fault,” I whispered back. “But I want you and Sadie to know I will do anything for you both. Anything.”
“Are you ready?” Sadie asked.
“Yes, I am,” I said, trying to talk in a squeaky, princess-y voice.
All the kids around me giggled.
One boy curled his lip. “You’re a boy. You’re in a dress. A pink dress.”
I found a tiny chair and sat down, my knees feeling like they were going to hit my jaw. I leaned to my left and pointed to the boy.
“Real men wear pink,” I said in the roughest whisper voice I could.
His eyes went wide and he slowly backed away.
I gave a nod and looked around, making damn sure nobody else had anything to say, kid or adult.
Sadie was smiling as she pretended to pour us some tea.
I lifted the cup to my mouth and Sadie shook her head.
With my lips puckered as though something was going to come from the cup, I pulled it away. “What?”
“Your pinky, Daddy,” she said. “If you’re going to be a princess, then act like one.”
I laughed.
I threw my pinky up and took a drink of the tea that wasn’t there.
I smacked my lips together and nodded.
“Perfect,” I said.
“I agree,” Sadie said.
From the corner of my eye I saw Emily as she wandered around the room, pretending to check on and help others. She wouldn’t stop looking at me though.
I seriously hoped any doubts and worries she had about people in town were stripped away. If I didn’t give a shit what people thought of me then neither should she. While most of the people were nice, they were all leeches to tragedy. Living in their overpriced houses with stress debts, sitting at the table, using my tragedy as a comfort, knowing things could be worse.
That’s why I didn’t get involved with anyone in town. I did my thing my way, whether it was right or wrong.
After we finished our tea, we had snacks. Real food. Well, so-called real food. Frosted animal crackers. Chocolate chip cookies. Not sure if that’s what princesses really ate, but it tasted damn good to me.
My knees were throbbing from the seated position I was in.
I took a quick break to stand and stretch a little.
All eyes went to me as I stood.
Behind me I felt someone tug on my fluffy skirt. Something I never thought I’d experience.
I looked down and a little boy was there.
I sat back down, coming down toward his level.
“Can I ask you something?” the little boy asked.
“Shoot, kid.”
“You have drawings on your arms,” he said. “When I do that, they wash off in the tub. Do yours wash off?”
“No, kid,” I said.
From across the room I saw his mother giving both of us the eye.
“Why not?” the boy asked.
“There’s a secret marker,” I whispered. “But it’s only for adults, kid. You could try it now but it won’t wash off.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. So you have to be an adult.”
“I can’t wait to be an adult,” the boy said.
“Wait a second, kid,” I said. I figured it was a good chance to offer some life lessons. “To become an adult… you have to listen to your parents. You have to eat a lot of vegetables. A lot. You have to keep your room clean. You have to do really good in school.”
“Oh,” the boy said. “I can say half the ABC’s backwards. And I cleaned up dog poop last week.”
I nodded. “That’s a good start. You’ll get that secret marker soon enough.”
“Nice,” the boy said. He made a fist and shook it with excitement.
Then he ran away.
His mother smiled at me.
I nodded.
I turned back to Sadie.
“You liar,” Sadie whispered. “You told me your totoo’s were from needles.”
I smiled. “They’re tattoos, sweetheart. And yes, they come from needles. But he doesn’t need to know that. Sometimes it’s okay to really believe and dream big. You keep fighting for it and it comes true. To be fair, it is in a way a secret how it works, right? My tattoos never wash off. It’s amazing, right?”
“I suppose,” she said. “Daddy, why did you dress like a girl today?”<
br />
Sadie could go from one subject to the next without missing a beat.
“Because it means a lot to you,” I said. “You wanted a princess here. So here I am.”
“But you’re a boy.”
“So what?”
“Boys don’t wear dresses.”
“Says who?”
Sadie seemed confused. “Everyone is looking. What if they talk about you?”
“So what?” I asked again. “Sweetheart, come here.”
Sadie walked around the table. I dropped to one knee before her. I took her by the shoulders. “People have mouths and they talk. Sometimes they don’t even know what they’re talking about. They just talk. You have to ignore it. Dream big. Okay? Never let anyone step on your dream. Never let anyone’s words bring you down. You think I care if anyone laughs at me today? All I care about is you, Sadie. You smiling, enjoying the tea party, being here with me.”
Sadie smiled as though she really understood what I had said, thus proving she was way smarter than her age suggested. Which was scary. Because there was a sharp turn of reality waiting for her that I wasn’t ready for and had no idea how to prepare her for.
We hugged and we went back to the tea party.
When it came time to call it a day, I had to admit it felt good to stand and stay standing. The parents all gathered around with their kids as Miss Anderson and Emily stood at the front of the class.
“We wanted to say thank you to everyone,” Miss Anderson said. “It was so fun to do this today. Thank you for making the time for us. And thank you to those who got involved.”
Miss Anderson looked at me. She smiled.
I didn’t smile back.
I already had everyone looking at me, I didn’t need to be called out on anything.
She looked at Emily. “Do you have anything to add?”
“No,” Emily said. “Other than a quick hello to anyone I haven’t met yet. I’m Emily. I’ve been working here a few days a week. I truly enjoy being here and spending time with your children. They’re all amazing kids. It’s going to be hard next year to see them gone and off to school. I just hope that in some way what myself and Julie - Miss Anderson - has done will help prepare them for school.”