by London Casey
Come home, to this home
you have a real home
as do i
it’s not the standing one with pretty windows
and curtains to match
it’s not the front yard with a cherry blossom tree
it’s all… reality… is in your eyes
I clicked SEND on the email and sent over another chunk of writing. My book had a publisher and the next step was to figure out a date. When it came to writing poetry and publishing, most of the print runs were small, but I had three poems published in magazines that had gotten some attention. I was even offered to write against photography. Have a spread in a national magazine, telling a story. In my head, I had the perfect image.
A man with his daughter. Walking down a path. Trees all around.
I could write for days about it.
Truthfully, the only reason I was writing so much was because I couldn’t sleep.
I kept replaying what had happened between me and Jake over and over. He had taken a stab at my heart, and it hurt bad. If I had deserved it, so be it. But I had no idea what Jake had told Sadie about her mother. We had been sitting there outside when Sadie looked up and around. I asked her what she was doing and she said she thought she heard angel wings. Then she told me this elaborate story about angels. How they took her mother. How they saved her mother from a car accident. Listening told me that Sadie really believed that her mother was just hiding somewhere.
And I never meant to confuse Sadie or hurt her, if that’s what I did. She simply asked me when do angels bring someone back. And wanted to know if the angels were able to bring back her dead goldfish. I was more or less talking about the goldfish and Sadie connected the dots to her mother. She was so smart. So beautifully smart. And even when she made the connection, she seemed to get it. Like perhaps somewhere inside her precious mind she already knew the truth and was just waiting for a trusted adult to confirm it.
I sat at the table with my morning coffee and barely sipped it.
Sleep wasn’t my friend.
I looked around my house and felt like I was a stranger inside it.
My mind tracked back to my grandmother. Sitting at the side of her bed, reading her my poetry. She would stare at me and I would never know if she knew who I was. That was my life for years. Living with someone who could one second know you and the next second not know you.
But poetry she really liked. I remember a few times I would catch her sitting up in bed reading my poetry. She had this angelic voice. She had been an amazing singer. But she could only sing when her mind wasn’t there. How cruel was that? When she was in the present, she couldn’t sing. It was like her vocal chords gave up. Showed their age. But when her mind slipped back in time, her vocal chords suddenly worked. They worked perfectly, beautifully, her voice so crisp that it brought tears to my eyes.
I downed my coffee and wiped a tear from my eye. I left my half full mug on the table, along with my laptop.
I knew at some point I had to talk to Jake.
There was no way we could just leave things be.
I wasn’t going to let this happen again. What happened to me before was one thing. That was his choice to go back to his ex. That was my choice to just slip away, for the sake of everyone. But now? No way. I loved Jake more than I loved any man ever. And as for Sadie? I loved her like a daughter, but more than that, I loved her as the daughter of Everly. And I wanted to be the woman who would raise Sadie and still keep Everly alive in her heart.
Avoiding Jake would make things worse. Plus, we were neighbors. There was no changing that. I’d see him every day. I’d see Sadie every day. We’d have to talk and figure something out.
I knew he loved me. I loved him. And I would do anything for him.
I grabbed my bag and left the house for another day. It didn’t feel right that I’d be with Sadie before I talked to Jake. But that was how the schedule went.
Then again, stepping out of my house, I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Somewhere inside my heart I wished there would be flowers from Jake. Or Jake himself standing there wanting to talk.
Instead, I got the worst punch to the gut of my life.
I stepped off my porch and saw two things.
One - Jake’s truck was gone.
Two - there was a FOR SALE sign in the yard.
Sadie wasn’t there.
I played it off like nothing but each time I looked at her empty chair and empty spot at the table I wondered where she was. If Jake purposely kept her away because of me. If Jake was going to keep her away forever. Or if Jake had her in his truck, driving many states to get away from me.
I couldn’t focus and ended up making more of a mess than all the kids combined. I knocked over a large container of paint water. I knocked over a container of paint. I ripped someone’s painting by accident. And to top it off I stepped on a lunch bag and squished someone’s sandwich.
It was like I was trapped in some cute bad luck movie, but in reality, I was just trapped in my own mind and my own heart.
During lunch, Julie put her hand to mine. “You haven’t eaten. You okay?”
“Perfect,” I lied.
“Really?”
“Just a rough day,” I said.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Honestly? No.”
“Okay,” Julie said. “I’m just putting a few pieces of this puzzle together. Me being nosey. Sadie isn’t here. You’re not focused. And I heard Jake put his house up for sale. I hope that doesn’t mean something happened between you two.”
Of course. Small town living. Everyone loves a tragedy.
“No,” I lied again. “Just… the way life changes, that’s all. It’s been a hectic year for me. My grandmother passing. Moving. So many changes, you know? I, uh, had some really exciting things happen with my writing. So I’m sort of anxious and nervous, you know?”
I caught myself asking you know? about two thousand times.
Each time I said you know? was a hidden cue for I’m just spitting bullshit.
I was never so happy to see a day come to an end. I raced to my car and raced home.
When I got there, there were two cars in the driveway. Two cars I never saw before.
I slowly climbed out of my car as the front door to Jake’s house opened. Out came a man in a suit. He was holding a leather portfolio. Realtor. Behind him was a man and a woman who was holding a little boy.
My heart sank.
They looked right at me and gave a wave.
I waved back.
“What do you think?” the man yelled to me. “The neighborhood?”
Tell them it’s horrible. Tell them to go away. Tell them so they’ll never buy the house.
“It’s wonderful,” I said. “I just moved in this past year myself. I love it. Quiet street. Quiet neighborhood.”
“That’s great,” the man said. “Thank you.”
“And the taxes are really low,” the realtor said. “You know, being in a place like this is perfect for a family. You’re a heartbeat away from the highways and city but you’re far enough to avoid all that madness.”
I couldn't hear anymore. I walked to my house and went inside.
I shut the door and didn’t make another step.
I fell back against the door and broke down in tears.
I sat on the deck with my feet up on the railing. I had a drink I didn’t touch. I had a notebook I didn’t touch. I simply just sat there and watched the sun slowly set. My mind was aching from thinking too much. I just wanted to sleep but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
I shut my eyes for a few minutes just to catch my breath.
That’s when I heard someone say my name.
“Emily! Emily!”
I popped up and turned to see Sadie climbing up the stairs of my deck.
I did a double take for a second but she was really there.
I fell to my knees and opened my arms.
Sadie raced into my a
rms and I hugged her tight. I felt like I hadn’t seen her in months when it had only been a couple days.
My heart ached and I choked back tears.
Jake appeared and he stood at the top step of the deck. “Sadie, come on.”
Sadie backed away. “Daddy said you were writing lots of words. Is that true?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Are you coming over for dinner?”
“Oh, not tonight. I have… I just can’t tonight.”
I glanced at Jake.
He had a stone face.
“We looked at a new house today,” Sadie said. “I got to pick out my own room! I’m getting a new room, Emily!”
“Wow,” I said. “That sounds amazing.”
“We saw four houses,” Sadie said. “I don’t know which one I like best.”
“Sadie, that’s enough,” Jake said. “Come on. We need to get you to bed soon. We’ve had a long day.”
“Okay, Daddy,” Sadie said. She trotted away. She knew nothing of what had happened between me and her father.
He rubbed his massive hand to her little head and she hurried across the yard.
Jake looked at me.
“You’re selling your house?” I asked.
“Time for a change,” he said.
“Right.”
Then there was silence.
I stood up. I had nothing to lose… except everything.
“Whatever you think I did, I’m sorry. For the way it happened. But not for the truth. You know the truth…”
“Save it,” Jake said, holding his hand up. “I have to go get my daughter ready for bed.”
“Right. Your daughter.”
“I’ll stop by later, if that’s okay.”
“Whatever, Jake.”
Jake turned and walked away.
I waited for him to turn back and get the last word in, but he didn’t.
And the final piece of my heart broke.
Chapter Forty
Our Last Night Here
(Emily)
I didn’t expect a thing, which hurt. I was let down and I felt like I let myself down. Jake’s house was for sale. He was going to buy a new house. All of this happening because of something I did.
I sat on the couch, alone, flicking through a thousand channels.
When I heard a soft tap at my front door, I muted the TV, wondering if I was hearing things.
I heard the sound again and I knew I wasn’t crazy.
The first thing I did was look at the deck door. Jake had said he was going to meet me there later, but that was hours ago. And I wasn’t going to just sit there like some puppy dog, waiting for its master to come. I may have done wrong in his eyes and maybe I had done wrong all around, but that didn’t mean I should be treated like shit.
I opened the front door and saw Jake standing there. He slipped his hands into his pockets and raised an eyebrow, looking so sexy it was unfair to my body. My mind knew right from wrong. My heart was confused. But my body could only go by what my eyes were feeding it.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Sure.”
I turned on the porch light and stepped out to the porch.
“I said I was going to meet you on the deck.”
“That was hours ago.”
“Sadie gave me a hard time going to sleep. Sorry.”
“Because of me?”
“Actually, yeah.”
“Fuck.” I lowered my head. “Jake, I’m…”
I felt Jake touch my face. Shivers went through my body. He lifted my chin so our eyes locked. “Not what you think.”
“What do you mean then?”
“She was upset that you weren’t there. She thinks something is wrong. That angels are going to come get you next.”
“What…”
“She loves you, Em.”
“What about you?” I asked.
“You really hurt me. And I can’t figure out why.”
“Please don’t sell your house,” I said. “I’ll sell my house. I’ll move, Jake. Don’t take Sadie away from what she knows and loves.”
“It’s not that,” Jake said. He sighed and rubbed his chin. He backed up and leaned against the porch pillar. “Here’s the thing. I’ve been hiding in that fucking house since Everly died. It’s not about memories. It’s about what I did wrong. I hid Everly’s death from Sadie. And in a way I hid her death from me. I left the room the way it was as though she was coming back. I slept in the fucking guest room for years. Anytime I saw something that reminded me of her, I hid it. Imagine the world just stops. Right? Time just stops. But you’re the so called lucky one who gets to keep living. That’s how it’s been for me. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing here, Em. When Everly died… I had nobody, Em. I had Mickey. Mickey’s old school. He lost his wife. He spiraled out of control. I couldn’t do that though. I had to take care of Sadie. The pain I felt… I didn’t want her to feel it the way I did. So I let her believe what she wanted. And I know that’s wrong. And I know that’s fucked up, Em.”
“It’s not though,” I said. “I had no idea…”
“I know. I should have told you what happened. The reason I got so fucking pissed off, Em, was that Sadie accepted it. That night when she brought it up, she was so mature. Like my little girl who loves unicorns and teas parties was this little woman, able to absorb such a fucking huge piece of sadness. Christ, she’s stronger than me and she’s only four.”
“She’s strong like that because of you, Jake,” I said. “You have to realize that.”
“No. It’s because of her mother. Those are strong genes. And because of you. Everything you’ve done for her since we’ve met. I don’t want to fuck this up, Em.”
“Fuck what up?” I asked.
“This,” Jake said. “Us. You. Me. Sadie. The entire thing. It’s why I can’t be here anymore. I’m chasing a ghost. I’m chasing memories that aren’t there. I’m chasing moments that will never happen. So my next step is to start over.”
I felt my heart aching. The pieces were fluttering for Jake. My eyes filled with tears.
“That’s how I felt when I had to leave my grandmother’s house,” I whispered.
“So you get it,” Jake said. “I just have to figure out something else.”
We just stared at each other. Broken. In love. No fucking clue what to do next.
“I didn’t mean what I said,” Jake said. “That was fucking mean. So fucking mean. You’re a beautiful person, Emily. In some ways I’m hoping by me moving you’ll move too… away from me. Everything I am. I want you to have more.”
I crept closer to him. I slipped my hands around his body. I put my head to his chest and smelled him. It was the greatest feeling in the world.
“You’re everything I want and need,” I whispered. “I don’t want anything more because I have you.”
Jake touched my shoulders and slowly backed me away. He looked at me and nodded.
“What?” I asked.
“I bought a house today,” Jake admitted. “One of the four we saw. And I accepted an offer on my house next door. It’s happening. We’re not going to be neighbors anymore, Em.”
“That’s good,” I said. “We’re not neighbors now, Jake. We’re together.”
“That might be the scariest thing I ever heard in my life.”
“I know,” I said. “I’m scared too, Jake. Because when you move now we have to work at this. It won’t be easy.”
“My heart is broken, Em.”
I touched his chest. “I know it is.”
“There’s no faking with me. I don’t know when things will ever change. There’s dates on the calendar I can’t avoid. Neither can Sadie.”
“I would never ask you to avoid how you feel.”
“Emily, think about this for a second. How were things with your grandmother?”
“What?”
“When you first went to take care of her. It was new. You were committed. In your heart you were goin
g to do everything that needed to be done. But I’m sure after a while it got to you. Right? Not going out with friends. Having those bad moments with her. Knowing she was going to slip away. How did you feel at the end compared to the beginning?”
“Jake…”
“I’m the same way,” he said. “Right now you think you can save me. Heal me. Love me until I’m all better. But it’s bullshit, Em. It’s complete bullshit. I’m going to wear you out. Sadie is going to wear you out. That’s not fair to you, princess.”
“Jake, no. You don’t know how I feel.”
Jake nodded. “I’m just trying to save you from making a big mistake.”
He leaned in and kissed my head.
He grabbed the baby monitor out of his pocket and gave it a wave. The cue that he was leaving.
As he walked away, I leaned against the pillar. Everything hurt on the inside.
Jake paused at the little white fence that the two of us had climbed over hundreds of times to get to each other.
He looked back. “I love you, Em. Goddammit, do I love you. And if you do decide on forever, I want you to know that I will give you my forever.”
He walked away for good.
I just stood there, thinking. Time slipped away. I cried. I ran out of tears. My stomach growled for a midnight snack. I cried again.
Then I found words.
The only words that mattered.
And I whispered them as I looked up at the star draped sky.
“I love you, Jake. I love you, Sadie. And, Everly, I will share his forever if it’s okay with you…”
Chapter Forty-One
A Tree Starts From a Seed
(Jake)
Mickey and the guys from the garage were loading up the last of the boxes. Between my truck, Mickey’s truck, and two trucks from the shop, we ended up just making a handful of trips from the old place to the new one.
The new place was only a few miles away. A perfect house for me and Sadie. A four bedroom house with an open floor plan downstairs, a finished basement - man cave ready - and a two car garage. Probably bigger than what we needed, but I wanted to start over and I wanted something that I liked. It was all about me right then as I made those decisions. As I signed the papers. As I dealt with the financial bullshit of selling and buying a house.