Diary of a Gay Teenage Zombie

by Justin MacCormack

  24 February 2014

  In the history of embarrassing disasters, there had never been any quite as embarrassing or quite as disastrous as my first attempt at basketball.

  For a try-out, most of the time for all thirty-or-so who had attended was spent simply throwing the ball back and forth between ourselves. I quickly realised two things. First, I had no real sense of balance or coordination. And secondly, which the coach found to be utterly hilarious, I had a rather unusual reaction whenever a ball was hurtling through the air towards me - namely to panic and throw my arms up in the air to protect myself. Archer, with an effortless smoothness that makes me feel kinda a bit jealous, swayed over to me and whispered into my ear (and god, he was so close that I can feel his breath on me!), "You're doing good. But try to catch the ball, don't be afraid of it."

  I'm not sure if it was his words, or the sensation of his breath so close to my heart, but I felt energised. I was, like, so eager that I totally threw myself into the game. I charged across the court, grabbing for the ball when I had any chances to do so. I moved through the crowd, running quicker - and that was when I ran into Big Leroy Stubbington, the brick wall from remedial chemistry, famed for having a face that looks remarkably like a truck and being the first kid in his year group to get his on-again-off-again girlfriend pregnant.

  So, like, I was laying on the ground in the middle of the court. The world was spinning around me, and Leroy was standing to one side with that kinda confused look that a wildebeest would give to a housefly that just accidently bumped into it. That was when I realised that my arm was broken. Well, to be technical, it had snapped off at the elbow. So I was sitting there, holding the severed limb in place inside my sports shirt, hoping that it wouldn't fall out and cause the dudes around me to start screaming and chasing me with pitchforks. That was when Archer arrived next to me. The moment his hand touched my shoulder, I felt as if my body had turned to goo. He helped me to my feet, and god I could swear that he looked almost like an angel at that moment. The coach shouted for us both to hit the showers - and the moment he said that, at least one part of my body didn't feel at all like goo, nope, it got very hard indeed.

  It didn't occur to me until we got into the changing room that, because my forearm had departed itself from the rest of my body and was only staying in place because I was holding it there, that I wouldn't be able to join Archer in the showers. Archer grabs his shower first, leaving me feeling like the last virgin in an orgy, but giving me enough time to refit my arm in place with a small stapler I keep in the bottom of my backpack. And just to add a cherry onto the top of an otherwise perfect load of mess that was the entire day, the moment I get into the shower (all on my lonesome) and looked upwards, the water knocked my eyeball loose. It rolls right back into my skull and it took me a good fifteen minutes to rattle it back into place. For the rest of the entire day, the inside of my head felt as if it were a cup that was only half empty of water.

  Almost an hour later, I was leaning against the sink in the boy's bathroom trying to dislodge the rest of the water from my skull, when Archer walks into the room. For a moment, I hadn't even noticed him, with that way he moves so peacefully and calmly, instead of myself and that way I drag my feet. He placed a hand against my back, and I was surprised how large his hand was (you know what they say about guys with big hands?) and how warm it was.

  "You're not really into basketball, are you?" he asked me.

  I gave a smile that just screamed that I was a world-class dork, and mumbled, "Not really, no."

  Archer leaned a little bit closer, and god I was sure he was wearing aftershave. I couldn't place what kind - hell, maybe it was just his shampoo, I couldn't tell. But it smelled good. "So what was it you really wanted to ask me earlier?" he asked.

  I sighed. I didn't want to say it out loud. But then, I didn't want him to think that I was a total freak either. So I picked the cheapest, most cheesiest thing I could think of. The thing that always worked in the movies. "Well, I was kinda wondering if you'd like to go to the concert this weekend?" I asked.

  "There's a concert this weekend?" he asked back.

  I paused. "I think so" I replied, unsurely. "I guess."

  "Cool" he answered, "Who's playing?"

  "I... don't know" I admitted. Archer started to laugh, and I quickly added, "But I can find out who's playing, and I'll get us tickets. If you'd want to go." I paused. "Go with me, that is."

  Archer stopped laughing, but the grin didn't leave his face. "What, like the two of us? On a date?"

  I wished that there was a hole I could crawl into. Why did this have to be so damn difficult? Just one stupid word. One syllable, even. And it felt like I was having to force it out, like that scene in the movies where a woman has to give birth and people are crowded around her screaming at her to push, except that I was trying to push out just one word, and I knew that I was delaying it whilst all these thoughts were running around and around in my head. But what else could I do? Was it a date? Of course. So I just had to say so...

  I said yes.

  And then, so did he.

  25 February 2014

  I caught up with CC to tell her the news today. I still can't believe it. I have a date. This weekend. With Archer. That wild, exciting Adonis of a man. Archer of the strong smooth chest and swaying locks of hair. CC thinks that I've been reduced to a gibbering idiot. But she thinks that I'm a gibbering idiot all the time, anyway.

  At the same time, I have this horrible feeling at the back of my head. A little voice that just tells me that I only have a few days left before I make a complete and utter fool of myself in front of Archer and he realises what a total and utter loser I am.

  26 February 2014

  With the performance looming, our drama teacher has shown us the poster for our performance of "Selected scenes from 'Rent'". The poster is to be displayed all over the school grounds. Archer looks stunning in it, hot and with eyes that could turn you into a puddle of smouldering, fizzing goop. I'm standing in the background with a group of the other dancers, striking a moronic pose.

  27 February 2014

  In order to take my mind off all my many worries, I dug out old copies of some of my Batman comics. This has inspired me to read more regularly. The internet says that The Lord of the Rings is one of the best books ever written. I had a copy of it from a library sale once, but it was massive. I'll try to find an abridged copy.

  28 February 2014

  I have stocked up on make-up and aftershave for tomorrow and picked up some burger meat to eat before I go out. Only 24 hours until total embarrassment.

  March

  1 March 2014

  I was so excited! My mind was reeling! I couldn't believe it. I felt like I was living in a daydream. He had said yes! To me - stupid, gawky, unable to catch a basketball me! I was so amazed, so fascinated by the idea of going to a concert with Archer, that I completely forgot to actually check what concerts were on.

  I'd spent an hour checking out websites to find some cheap tickets. The only two I could find that were still available were for a really skeevy looking local neo-punk band called Nuns In A Blender, and a small four-man Irish folk band. Naturally, I grabbed the tickets for Nuns, and just hoped that my cheap knocked-together fake ID card would be up to the job.

  On the night of the concert, I was so nervous. I felt as if I was going to fall apart. I caught the bus downtown, each moment of the ride was punctuated by my heart pounding wildly in my chest. What if I hadn't applied my skin paint correctly? What if I got injured during the dancing and lost a limb? What if Archer just decided he didn't like me?

  When I saw him standing there beside the bus stop, I thought I was going to die again. He looked stunning, or at least I thought he did. But then, he could have worn a wet burlap sack and I'd have thought that he looked stunning. When he flashed that beautiful smile at me, so full of innocent charm and playfulness.

  I grinned to him mutely, and tried to say something. When I fou
nd that I couldn't, I held over the concert tickets. He looked at then, and chuckled. "Nuns in a blender?" he asked.

  "It was, uhm, all I could find" I explained. "At least, all I could find that wasn't Irish folk music."

  He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked to the concert, and I felt as if butterflies were about to explode out from inside my chest. Which, when I stopped to think about it, was a really major-league gross-out image.

  The concert was stuck in the back of a really small, kinda grimy old nightclub in a part of town I don't much go to. The scene was pretty big, and the dancefloor was already feeling pretty busy by the time that we had both got there. Over the next hour, it filled gradually until I was sure that it was way past its occupancy limit. I didn't care. I was with Archer. On a date.

  We milled around for a while, and I was feeling a little uncomfortable. Eventually, I asked him "Why did you come on this thing? I mean, a band like this," and here I pointed towards the stage and the band who were in the process of setting up, "They can't be your kind of thing, right?"

  "It's not the band I'm interested in," he said in that gently laid-back manner, "I came here because I wanted to be with you." When he said that, the very last of my anxiety vanished.

  When the band began to play, the vibrations hit me right in the chest. I felt it reverberate through me, which caused Archer to look at me. "Not been to a concert before?" he asked. I shook my head, meekly. It was my first.

  The band was, if I were to be totally unbiased about it, pretty awful. I mean, you wouldn't really expect much from a band with their name, but it sounded like the vocalist was trying to vomit over the mic. The crowd was heavy, pushing tightly on all sides - I would have felt claustrophobic if I didn't have Archer with me. He felt as if he were watching over me, protecting me. Soon, I found myself dancing.

  We were dancing together. The music was pounding through us, through the entire crowd. I stopped thinking, letting the reverberating bass carry my worries up and up and away. I moved with an invisible and intangible rhythm. As part of the crowd, we moved together, like one singular consciousness, one kinetic muscle twitching together - but I wasn't thinking about the crowd, I was just thinking about us.

  The band finished one song after another, each one moving with a roar from the crowd and a spike in the beer-scented air. I inhaled - the smell of Archer's aftershave filled my senses. And with it, another smell, far deeper, far more hidden. God, I wanted him. I drew closer, and he slid his arms around he shoulders. Gradually, carefully, he moved in to kiss me.

  2 March 2014

  My head is still reeling from last night. Just thinking about it makes me feel my heart slamming in my chest.

  I phoned Archer. I wanted to ask if he was serious about it all, that he meant it when he kissed me. We spoke on the phone for almost an hour. At first I felt so nervous, but after a few minutes it just felt so natural. He said that I'm cute, that he wants to see me.

  I asked if that means that he wants us to be a couple or something. He said that it's a bit soon for him to know for sure, that he'd like us to take the time to get to know each other better, but he'd be open for the idea and, more importantly, that he wants to see me regularly. We are officially dating!

  3 March 2014

  I told CC that me and Archer are dating. She said "That pretty boy basketball guy? Jay, I always thought you'd wind up with someone from the chess club. Or worse, the Star Trek club." Good to know that some people have such faith in my abilities!

  4 March 2014

  I have drawn a bison today. I am now convinced that bison are the most awesome animal in the entire planet. Bison!

  5 March 2014

  I have spent almost every lunch break this week with Archer. He eats ham and salami on white bread almost every day. I asked him why, and he said that he doesn't like chicken, or lamb, or any meat that is named after the animal that it comes from. I wonder what they call roast bison meat. I showed Archer my picture of a bison, he said that he liked the line work on it. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said, usually people complain that I've drawn it breathing fire. It feels good to be appreciated.

  6 March 2014

  My parents had a massive argument after dinner tonight. It was just horrible. My mom said that dad isn't even trying at his job interviews any more. Dad said that she has never held down a full time job in her life and that her working four hours a day at the library doesn't qualify her to pass judgement on him. It really kicked off badly. I tried to talk some sense and calm things down but mom snapped at me that it was none of my business and to stay out of it. I don't see why she wants to take it all out on me. I stormed off to my room and slammed the door shut to keep the noise of those two yelling out of the way. I was major upset. About two hours later when I went down to grab a glass of cola, I noticed that dad was sleeping on the fold-out sofa instead of in their bedroom with mom.

  7 March 2014

  The whole house is still really uncomfortable. Dad and mom just sit in opposite rooms, not speaking. You can feel the air like it could be cut with a knife. I phoned Archer, he said we should head out into town tomorrow. There isn't much to do these days, but at least it'll get me out of the house.

  8 March 2014

  Here is a list of things that make Archer cool.

  1-He can act and play basketball.

  2-He has the most awesome hair.

  3-He's originally from Reading. That's so exotic!

  4-He can speak several words in Italian. Or Spanish. I'm not sure which.

  5-He's hung like, well, you can only dream!

  6-He has three uncles, one of which is gay, so his family tend to be more accepting of him than a lot of people. He's out to his family. Huge bonus!

  7-He transferred to our school after his family moved house last year.

  8-He has two older brothers. The oldest one is in the army. The middle one has just started university.

  9-He can contact juggle. What's that? It's that weird kind of juggling that David Bowie did in that movie with the muppets, rolling the crystal balls around his hands.

  10-He has a massive, massive spanking fetish.

  11-His grandfather's brother (grand-uncle?) had a small role as a cop in The Silence Of The Lambs. His aunt was on the BBC's question time once arguing with Tony Blair.

  12-He's dated two guys before, but it didn't work out.

  13-He says 'dude' a lot.

  14-He has a large scar on his lower right knee which he got three years ago when he was tackled badly in a game of basketball and broke his leg. He said that the bone had been sticking out through the skin.

  15-He really, really likes me!!

  9 March 2014

  With the date of the performance rapidly approaching, I now have to come to terms with the fact that I will be on stage next to my boyfriend. How weird does that sound?

  10 March 2014

  The tension in the house seems to be gradually subsiding. Dad is sulking and mom is tromping around the place but they have stopped snapping angrily at each other. I suppose that this counts as an improvement.

  Mom is especially argumentative though. And when she argues about something, she always has to be right, always. Even when she's wrong. Especially when she's wrong. For example, the film '2001' was on earlier today. At the moment when the spaceman character jumped into the empty airlock of the spaceship without his helmet, mom said "Well, that would never happen, for a start."

  I looked at her and said "What do you mean?"

  "People can't survive in space" she said, "They explode."

  I blinked a few times. "Why do they explode?" I asked.

  She smiled, knowingly. "Air pressure. Think about it."

  I thought about it. "Air pressure makes people explode in space?"

  "Yep" she said.

  "How?" I asked.

  She motioned with her hands, "It's simple. There's no air pressure in space. So the air inside the human body has to swell to meet it. So t
he body expands until it bursts."

  I stared at her, utterly confused. "That... that makes no sense" I said, finally.

  "Of course it does" she said. "It's science."

  "I'm pretty sure that it isn't" I said.

  Mom looked at me, a little patronisingly. "I think I know a little more than you about science, dear" she said.

  By this point, I was starting to get a bit annoyed. None of what she was saying made any sense. "What if the person breathed out? That would prevent that from happening. I mean, wouldn't the skin freeze before they, well, exploded?"

  My mother snorted, "Jay, I've been on this earth over twenty years longer than you. I know a lot more than you do. Trust me on this, I'm correct."

  I sighed. I was in no mood to argue with her. When my mom was like that, she was so certain that she was correct that almost nothing could persuade her otherwise. She hadn't even wanted to discuss what she was talking about - not really. She was just wanting to display her knowledge, to show off.

  I pulled out my mobile phone and loaded a website.

  "NASA says that human skin is too strong to explode from air pressure in space. The lack of air would do far more damage, but if you hold your breath, it could cause your lungs to burst" I read out loud to her. "NASA suggests breathing out to empty your lungs of as much air as possible to prevent that. You would experience swelling of tissue, but not to a lethal extent. You can survive for about fifteen seconds in space without protection, and at about that point you lose consciousness."