Diary of a Gay Teenage Zombie

by Justin MacCormack

  I'm going home tomorrow.

  19 June 2014

  Late this afternoon I was discharged from hospital. Dad helped me walk to the car.

  I asked them where I was. They said that it was the hospital in town. As I got into the back of the car, I said that no, I meant where they'd picked me up from the police station. They said that it was near Colwyn Bay. That's in Wales. I genuinely don't know how I managed to get that far.

  When we got home, I barely had any time to think. I went right to bed and fell asleep almost immediately.

  20 June 2014

  I stayed in bed most of today. Dad made me a ham sandwich and asked if I was ready to talk about what happened. I told him that I wasn't. He told me that mom was very keen to, but he would explain to her that I wasn't ready yet.

  I asked if he had heard from Archer. Dad looked at me and said that he had visited me when I was at the hospital, but that I had been asleep. Then he sat down at the side of my bed and said "Jay, you don't have to be afraid. I know that most of your mom’s family wouldn't accept you for being gay, but I do, and your mom will. You don't need to be afraid of that with us. We don't love you any less."

  I just nodded to him. I'd never came out to him. I had never told him that I'm gay. For a while I was confused, but I figure that he must have put me and Archer together. And maybe he figures that's why I left home.

  He has a point, of course. Hundreds of gay teenagers run away from home every year. Some are forced out by their families. I guess that those hundreds of kids endure much, much worse than what I've gone through. I can't forget that. I - we - must not forget that.

  21 June 2014

  Archer came over to see me today. I had just finished talking to my dad about how I was going to catch up on all the school I'd missed, when he knocked the door.

  I didn't really know what to say. I had expected tears, or hugs, or something. Anything would have been better. Instead he just looked at me with this hurt, pained expression and said "I missed you."

  I looked down. I'd hurt him, I knew that. I'd abandoned him. I'd done it to protect him, but I'd have had to be crazy to think that doing it wasn't going to hurt him.

  I could see that in his eyes. I could see that I'd let him down. That he didn't know if he could trust me again.

  22 June 2014

  I'm due to start school again tomorrow. Dad has said that I should not worry about what happened, but instead focus on catching up with anything that I've missed. I called Archer, but he didn't answer his phone.

  23 June 2014

  My first day back at school was alright. The teachers took it pretty easy on me, and told me what things I should read in order to catch up. It shouldn't be a problem.

  I'm not sure what has changed in me. I can still feel the beast inside, but it feels quieter now, as if it's happy to let me be. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Should I be scared?

  During maths, I noticed that Megan was giving me some very dirty looks. At the end of class, I walked right up to her and asked her what her problem is. She looked at me as if I were a piece of dirt that has fallen off her Prada high heels and said "nothing for you, freak."

  So yeah, some people don't change.

  24 June 2014

  I sat next to Archer for lunch today. He looked up at me, a little warily. I asked him if he was going to be okay. "Yeah," he said, "I just need some time."

  I said "That's okay, I'm not going anywhere", and he looked at me as if he wanted to ask me if I was sure.

  CC asked me if I had a nervous breakdown. She told me that her dad had one five years ago, moved to France and rented a studio flat in Calais.

  25 June 2014

  I finally worked up the courage to look up the newspapers about Mr Price.

  There's been very little in the reports. I found one which said that when he hasn't been in for work, his office checked and, finding nothing, called the police. He was listed as a missing person, but so far nobody has linked him with the body that was found at the dump. That report was two weeks ago.

  Then, four days ago, there was a report confirming that they had identified the body as his. They were appealing for anyone who had seen him on the day he disappeared.

  That's the last report I could find. I wonder how Mrs Price is taking it all.

  26 June 2014

  For the first day in what seems forever, I had what could almost pass for a normal day.

  It's strange to think about. So much has happened to me over the last few months. I don't think that I'm the same person I was in December. I'm different now, I feel older. Perhaps I'm growing wiser. Or maybe I've just started to better grasp how the world works.

  I'm out to my parents. That's a big thing. They're accepting, but that doesn't come as a surprise. The biggest surprise is how comfortable I am with it. On the other hand, I've done things that I wouldn't have imagined that I'd ever do.

  I think that, if I have learned anything from this, it's that I can survive. It's hard to do, and sometimes it all feels like it's getting to be too much for us. But we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

  27 June 2014

  I called Archer. I asked him if we can go out somewhere tomorrow evening. He asked where, and I told him that I don't care.

  All that matters is that we're able to get some time together. That’s all that really matters between us right now.

  28 June 2014

  We met at the cinema, the same one we went to before, when I had planned to bite him. We spent a while looking at what was showing and, after deciding that there was nothing we much wanted to watch, went for dinner instead.

  An hour later we had finished our big macs, and Archer was still a little quiet. I couldn't blame him. I knew that it would take time for him to trust me and know that I wasn't going to run away. So I learned over and wrapped my hands around his. He smiled to me. That was all he needed to do.

  I'd never been to the club before. I'm not really much interested in dancing, and I'd never been to a gay club. By the time we got there, it was only starting to fill up for the evening. I ordered a coke - I had asked for an alcoholic drink, but the guy at the bar told me that there was no way in hell he was serving me that while I was so clearly underage - and talked to Archer.

  I told him why I had ran away. Because I didn't really know who I was, because I thought people were going to hate me for it, because I was struggling to talk to anyone. That is, I think, the heart of how I felt. Feelings that anyone, especially any gay teenager like me, can understand. Archer told me that, when he had come out, he had felt the same way. He'd been tempted to run away as well. But in the end, he told me, he stayed and told his parents. He had figured that if they rejected him, he had others in his life who would accept him. What mattered to him was that he not run, but stay and fight.

  "But what if you didn't have anyone in your life who would accept you?", I asked him.

  "Jay," he said, "we've fought long and hard to make sure that we have the same rights as straight people. Support groups, housing shelters, community action groups, outreach programmes. But you're right that not everyone has access to such things. That's why we need to keep working, keep fighting. Not let the victories we have won be taken for granted, especially when so many people don't have easy access to them."

  At times, Archer was so passionate, so driven. He looked at me, and I could see hope in his eyes. Not only hope, but determination. Eagerness. Sincerity.

  And love.

  The night rolled on, and soon it was dark outside, and the club was filling with people. We talked until it grew hard to hear one another over the beat of the music. The barman changed, the evening one no longer caring about my age and happily pulling me a drink, and soon the lights of the club carved a swath through my vision, like the multi-coloured dancing of fireflies.

  We danced, together, our bodies close and tight. For that moment, in the throng, among the people, everything was alright. Everything would always be
alright. He kissed me, and I knew that I had overreacted. I didn't need to run away, not from him. I rested against his hard chest, feeling his arms circling around me. I'd never felt so loved, so pure. I leaned up and kissed him in return. And I knew that we would always be together.

  I let the kiss drop and opened my eyes to say something. I looked at him, into his eyes.

  Over his shoulder, the shadowed form of the beast roared, hungry.

  It was too fast, I realised. Too fast, and I had been too happy. The beast opened its jaws, and so did I. I tried not to, my mind begged at me, roared at me, screamed at me.

  I bit down into Archer's neck.

  He had pulled back from me before I had even been able to blink. His hand leapt to his neck, clutching the wound, trying to stem the bleeding. His eyes were wide, and he starred at me - right onto my eyes - with such fear, such terror. And with such betrayal.

  I stumbled backwards, knocking from one body to the next. For a moment, I couldn't bear to break Archer's gaze. Then I was running, because that was all I could do.

  I ran.

  29 June 2014

  It was raining at the bus stop.

  I was sat in the rain waiting for the night bus. It was cold, so I was hugging my knees to my chest. The rain was rather soothing. It cascaded down my face, plastering my hair slick to my skin. It washed away my paint. It hid my tears.

  I was alone in the rain. Like I was meant to be, like a freak like me deserves. The bus wouldn't arrive for another hour, and I didn't care. I was alone, that was what I was going to be for my entire life. Alone with nothing but my hunger.

  I don't remember when I had become aware that Archer was sitting next to me.

  For the longest time, he didn't say anything. And I couldn't look at him.

  In the end, he said "So, what are you then? Some kind of vampire or something?"

  I shook my head. "No, I'm, y'know. The z-word."

  He nodded, slowly. I turned to look at him. His shoulder was patched with several thin, blood-smeared bandages, discoloured in the rainwater. "That's not quite so romantic, is it?"

  I shook my head. "Bits fall off."

  "What bits?" he asked. "Not your..."

  "No," I said, "That bit seems to stay pretty much in place."

  He nodded. It's hard to see his eyes in the rain. "Have to drink blood?" he asked.

  "Just eat" I explained. "Flesh, brains, that kind of thing."

  Archer looked at me. He'd been crying, too. "So we're both like this forever?" he asked me.

  "I don't know. I'm sorry" I mumbled.

  He put his arm around me, and we are both wet and in the rain.

  "But it's still you and me, though?" he asked. "We'll still be together?"

  "If you want to." I said.

  He looked at me. "Do you?"

  So I said yes.

  Then, so did he.

  30 June 2014

  So, here I am. Or should I say, here we are. Myself and Archer, both the same now. Forever, I guess.

  I can't stop thinking about what that really means. It was a momentary error, a slip, a split seconds mistake, just like had happened to make me who I am. But does that change anything? I've been too hard on the guy who made me, I understand. I was afraid that Archer would feel the same way as I had. But he doesn't. He loves me.

  Can that really overcome it all? I don't know. We'll have to see.

  I think back to how I used to think about it all. I wonder if I still think about being a zombie the same way, that it was like living with AIDS. I don't know. I'll never know. If we accept that as an accurate and appropriate allegory, them I've infected the one who means the most to me, and I'm a horrible person, and don't deserve his love. But he gives it to me anyway. So I guess we don't live in a world of moral absolutes.

  One thing is for certain, though. I've felt like an outsider for so long. That's been the hardest thing for me to struggle with, the feeling that I don't belong.

  But I'm not alone.

  I've never been alone.

  None of us are.

  Discussion Questions

  Question 1

  Jay often seems to be very aware of what is expected of zombies in fiction, but he is rarely too aware of himself and his own personality. Why do you think that is? Is it easier to know more about another subject then it is to know about yourself?

  Question 2

  When Jay goes stargazing with his father in January, his father seems to be trying to tell Jay that life does not always turn out the way you plan it. As a gay teenager and a zombie, this is something that Jay should be able to relate to, but he struggles to comprehend this. In what other ways are Jay and his father alike? Do you feel that his father has more than he wanted to tell Jay at this point, and if so, what do you think it might have been?

  Question 3

  Jay’s relationship with his mother is strained, partly because he feels that she has an authoritarian streak that she will not admit to. Throughout the book, Jay often encounters things about himself that he does not want to admit to. What parts are those? Does that change how you think about Jay’s mother?

  Question 4

  Jay almost never mentions anything negative about Archer. Instead, he describes him with almost glowing praise throughout the story. How much of their relationship, as it is presented in the diary format, do you think is biased by Jay’s perspective as the writer of the diary? Is their relationship likely as perfect as Jay wishes it to be?

  Question 5

  When Jay reunites with the person who bit him, do you think that Jay was ever genuinely able to peace with his ‘creator’?

  Question 6

  Jay only starts to experience visions of the beast after he has killed someone. What do you think that the beast represents? What do you think are the best ways to cope with such things?

  Question 7

  Jay tried to run away from home to escape his problems. Aboriginal Australians undertake a walkabout in adolescence, during which they live in the wilderness just as Jay did. Do you think that his walkabout made much of a rite of passage?

  Question 8

  Jay is very aware of the history of gay rights and understands the role that HIV and AIDS played in this. He tends to think that the zombie infection is very much like AIDS. By the end of the diary, he has decided that this is not an accurate or appropriate comparison. What do you think the zombie infection instead represents?

  Question 9

  Archer decided, in the end, to stay with Jay. Do you think that their relationship will last? Once Archer turns into a zombie, what kind of strains will that put on his relationship with Jay? Will he regret the choice that he has made?

  Question 10

  By the end of the story, Jay is a very different person. He feels less of an outsider, because he realises that he is never truly alone. In what other ways has he changed and grown over the six months?

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