Reckless Karma (Sinners & Saints #2)

by Chelsea Ballinger

  She shrugs. “There’s always next year. You both are attending Harvard. I must admit it is interesting seeing you fail for the first time.”

  “Yeah, well… guess I’m not as good as you.”

  “No man is.”

  I quickly blow her a kiss and head downstairs.

  “Going somewhere, my love?” Ms. Eleanor asks me from the living room once I reach the foyer.

  “A gala for my father,” I quickly say.

  “Oh.” She nods, her Bloody Mary in hand.

  I begin to head out.

  “Gabriel.” But I’m stopped again. “Be careful with the secrets that you keep. Especially the secrets of love… secrets of love only leave room for the devil to creep in.”

  Ms. Eleanor is bat shit crazy but at the same time, a smart woman.

  “Dully noted.” I walk over and give her a kiss on the cheek.

  I leave out and get in the limo. I don’t worry about Scarlett anymore. Me apologizing for failing with Karlie should throw her off. There will be no room for the devil to creep in.

  It pulls up just in time. When we were kids, our mother would tell us stories of first dates. She always said the first real date was the one that would give great impact to a great love. She asked us once where we would like to take our first dates. We were kids, so we said a toy store or the zoo. Though she had said they were all good choices, she said one day we would have to take that one girl—that one girl you knew would make a great impact—well, you would have to take her someplace special. She asked us what that place was. We didn’t know yet. So Hugo and I agreed. We would take them to the place she held special, and that was the Metropolitan Opera House. Opera music always made us sad as children, and when she died we threw away all her records, never wanting to hear the devastating sounds of trumpets and high screams roam through our home again without her.

  “Maybe one day we will listen to it again,” Hugo whispered as we lay in our mother’s bed with August. Not our father’s – he was never there. “Maybe when we go on first dates.”

  “Yeah,” I had said back.

  “Gabriel?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think we’ll be like them?”

  “No,” I gritted out. “Never.”

  That’s what I thought, but now I have come to terms with the true meaning of being a product of your environment. It’s inevitable and the moment you realize it is the moment you have to come to a decision. Do you stick with it or change it? I used to think I was changing it, but now I know that I was as stupid as the rest of us. Now. Now I believe I can change it. With one look from Karlie as she steps out of the other limo I sent to get her from home. In the dark blue gown I bought her covered in a coat to protect her from the below freezing New York weather. Christmas is almost here, but it feels like I see it now in her.

  “Hey.” She smiles as I take her hand.

  “You look beautiful.”

  “Just know I’m giving you back this dress after.”

  “Don’t ruin it with the miss independent speech again. Just enjoy the moment.” She never lets me give her stuff. I’ve come to accept that no matter how badly I would like to shower her in gifts.

  “I’ve never really listened to opera before,” she admits.

  “I haven’t listened to it in years and when I did it made me cry. I was a kid.”

  She laughs.

  “But,” I hold my finger up, “tonight I will enjoy it because I’m with you.”

  And I do. Through the sounds of Amore A Distanza, we travel through a story of a peasant boy bewitched by a princess. With one look he is put to death because of it. Sad shit, isn’t it? But it was funny. The kid looks at the girl and gets sentenced to death, and hours before his death, the princess secretly sees him to declare her love for him and they fuck. Then he dies. That’s the story… and it was fucking awesome. Watching Karlie lean over the private balcony where we were seated. Her eyes wide and big, never blinking, enchanted by the tragic yet powerful love story.

  “It was amazing,” she says as we get back outside, going down the steps of the opera house.

  “I am glad you enjoyed it.”

  “What are you about to do?” she asks me.

  “I’m gonna head home. The limo will take you back.”

  She takes my hand and squeezes it tight. She looks me in the eyes and I can tell she’s nervous. “I don’t think I want to go home just yet.” She looks back down. “Actually I told my mom I would be spending the night at a friend’s tonight.” She looks back up and there it is. The brown eyes that zero in on me and tell me she’s ready.

  “I’m going to my father’s place. He’s out of town and I didn’t feel like going back home.”

  I didn’t want to go home and instantly betray Karlie after our first real date. If I sleep with her, I’m definitely not going to have sex with Scarlett now. I can’t do this.

  “So you want some company?”

  “Yes.” What the fuck are you doing?

  Apparently what I want to do because what I want is Karlie. I want her so bad that I can barely stand once we get to my father’s place.

  “You want something to drink?” I ask as I take her coat and toss it on the leather couch.

  “No.” She looks around the foyer. Sees one family picture of us. “You were cute.”

  “I know.” She rolls her eyes and narrows them at the 3-year-old twins I’m standing between. Then she looks at my mother. “You look more like your mother in the eyes and face.”

  She’s right. I have her blue eyes and round face with toned cheekbones, but I don’t have her blonde hair. I have my father’s black hair. In the sun you can maybe see a hint of brown on the tips, but it’s mostly black like his. My brothers have brown hair that used to be blonde when they were kids. My father looks stern in this picture while my mother just looks sad. She has this smile that is so faint and hollow. I really don’t know if my mother was ever happy in her life… even before marrying our father.

  “Your mother was beautiful.” She looks at me, her eyes raking over my face. “Your eyes are as sad as hers.” Her hand creeps up to my cheek. It almost causes me to flinch, but the warm pressed hand relaxes me. “Even when you smile they are.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize for something you can’t control.” She pulls on my tie and presses her body against mine. “Yet.” Without telling each other to do so, we tilt our heads toward each other, bringing our lips and tongues together. Savoring this moment. This night. I think this night will be the best night of my life.

  “We don’t have to do this. I’m okay with just holding you,” I warn her. I give her a way out before it’s too late.

  “I want you to do more than just hold me,” she whispers across my lips before kissing me again. I avoid caution and wrap one arm around her lower back and dip down, lifting her up with my arm under her legs. I don’t break the kiss as I take her to the spare bedroom that is considered to be my room even though it has nothing that represents me. I only see it as a room. A room that has now been decorated with the presence of her.

  I sit her down on the bed. She kicks off her heels and pushes off my jacket. I reach over and unzip her dress. I pull it by the straps. She lifts her hips so I can pull it all the way down to her feet. She’s wearing a white laced bra and panties. Still squatted down, I smile and laugh a little to myself.

  “You planned this, didn’t you? No woman wears matching white bra and panties.”

  She arches her brow, smiling mischievously. “Maybe I had hopes. White is only fitting for an untouched girl.”

  I stand up and so does she. Her smile turns nervous and serious as she loosens my tie. She takes it off and goes to work on the buttons on my dress shirt. I just look at her, making her even more nervous as she makes quick eye contact with me after undoing each button. She opens the shirt slowly and I watch as her eyes light up a little at the sight of my chest and abs. I smirk proudly at the
reaction. I help her take it off and then she looks down at the button and zipper that holds my pants up. She looks at me again and I silently tell her to do what she pleases. She pulls her bottom lip in nervously. Her hands are shaking as they unbutton my pants and pull down the zipper. She reaches in and her eyes widen a little.

  “Now you know how much I always want you,” I whisper to her and her head falls to my chest and she laughs.

  “Only you can make something like that sound so romantic to me,” she says.

  I pull the curls that cover her neck back and press my hands against her neck, my thumbs stroking her ears. I stare at her eyes. Round and whimsical brown irises look back at me. Now I’m nervous. I feel a little weak in my knees and my heart is beating so fast. I’m even sweating and she’s beginning to look worried for me. So many things go through my head. So many words said to me by people. My father. Scarlett. My mother. Every girl I ever slept with. So many lies. So many truths. So many cruel punishments placed on me and I do not know why, but this… this feeling right here is the beautiful punishment I have received and my eyes begin to form unshed tears that beg to come out, but instead I let something else out.

  “I’m in love with you, Karlie.”

  Her worry washes away and the shock value is evident.

  “I didn’t want to be, but I am. I love you. You know that phrase ‘I love you more than I love myself?’ Well, truth is… I’ve never loved myself. So I just love you more than I don’t love myself.”

  She doesn’t respond. Just this dumbfound look on her face that’s beginning to frustrate and scare me. This is probably too soon. Is it? Was this a mistake? Is this my karma for all the false sentiments I gave women? It’s well deserved. I’m shit. I don’t deserve her to say it back.

  “I’m in love with you too.” But she does.

  I let out the breath I was holding in and all those doubts wash away with something else I never felt before. It’s clarity.

  She smiles and I bend down and remove my pants. I still keep my black boxer briefs on. I walk over to my nightstand. I pull out a condom and look at her. She’s unhooking her bra. She pulls it off. I gaze at her breasts as she shifts, nervously removing her panties. I smile.

  “You’re beautiful.”

  She smiles and begins to hug herself.

  “Don’t.” She puts her arms down. I take off my boxer briefs and watch her eyes drop down and her lips part slightly. I smile proudly at that reaction. I rip the condom wrapper open and put it on as she lies on the bed. I climb on top of her and comb my fingers through her hair. I can feel how stiff her body is. I kiss her softly and feel her body relax. I kiss her neck, her collarbone, her shoulder, and then her breasts. My tongue roams freely around her nipples. She moans and my right hand finds its way to her knee, resting it there for a moment. My lips move down to her stomach and my hand moves from her knee up to her thigh and then in between her legs. She gasps and her fingers begin to pull my hair. Pain always feels good to me. My fingers go further and she moans again as I kiss her wet spot. She arches her back as my tongue twirls and her fingers come to my back. I want her to have everything sex has to offer. Usually women don’t have orgasms the first time through penetration, so you should always do more. I make her come. Shakes, trembles and all. I kiss my way back up to her mouth. She’s breathing so hard and smiling from ear to ear.

  “So that’s what that feels like, huh?” She laughs and so do I.

  “Only on a good day.”

  She opens her legs freely for me now after calming down. I position myself and caress her cheek. I push in slowly. Inch by inch. She winces and moans uncomfortably. I can feel her tighten up in fear of the pain. Her eyes begin to water. I push in further, but it’s still not enough.

  “Tell me something true,” I say, pushing further and further.

  A light scream comes out of her mouth before she stares at me in confusion and shock. “What?” Her breathing is heavy and fast.

  “Just tell me something true.” She ponders on it for a moment, catching her breath, and then smiles.

  “I’ve had—”

  She winces loudly and claws her fingers into my back, sinking her head into the crook of my neck as I push deeper and quick through the tight and warm space. I lift my head up to see her face. She has her eyes shut and her bottom lip is trembling. She opens them and a tear falls but is wiped away from my thumb before it reaches the pillow. Her eyes big, gazing into mine. “I’m sorry,” I say to her. The question was just a distraction I thought would make the pain more bearable. She can’t answer; she just nods her head slowly. “Answer the question.”

  She licks her lips and exhales. “I’ve had a crush on you since freshman year. I first saw you sitting on top of your limo and I thought you were so... fine. I was attracted to you from the beginning.”

  I smile at that confession. I didn’t know that and I’m glad I didn’t. I like surprises. “You were always just a fantasy,” she continues. “You were never meant to become a reality.”

  “You were never even supposed to be a thought,” I say to her. “Now you are my purpose.”

  She slides her fingers through my hair and pulls my head down. As we kiss I start to move. Her teeth clench and she hisses. The sounds are no longer about pain but pleasure. She starts to move her hips as well, only causing me to moan. I balance my weight, leaning on my arms so I can look at her. The faces she makes only sends me over the edge, but not before I make sure she gets what is hers. I reach between us, rubbing her gently and she gasps, her eyes wide, not knowing what to do about the immense and overwhelming feeling overcoming her. I push deeper and deeper and rub gently, giving more pressure until she finally just screams. Her body shakes and I move inside her for a minute more before coming undone myself. My mouth wide open, breathing against her neck, and my body trembling as well. My eyes even begin to tear up and I realize what I already knew, what I already told her. I am in love with her. We made love and it is the best moment of my life and my heart is filled with endless possibilities of happiness. I am happy. I am not scared. I am alive. I am Karlie Dale’s.

  KARLIE

  The wine glass is beginning to blur and so is the wine bottle on the table. Everything but the memory of my first time with Gabriel is beginning to blur. That was one of the best nights of my life. That night really changed everything for me. I had experienced a moment of pleasure most people only dream about happening to them. Especially during their first time. Gabriel made sure my first time was memorable, and since him I have compared every man to that moment with him. None of them have lived up to it. That’s because it was love that gave birth to that perfect pleasure. It was love that made it all the more worthwhile. I had a plan before that night. That plan was destined, but I had become so consumed by a boy that everything else that was supposed to matter didn’t anymore. It just didn’t. Eve was right. Love is blind and dammit it will take over your mind. Minus the abuse, I think that song fits perfectly.

  The doorbell rings and I am reluctant to get it. I look through the peephole and it’s Hugo.

  “Hey.” I let him in.

  “Why are you here?” I ask, sitting back on the couch.

  “I told you I would be by tonight. You didn’t answer any texts or calls, so I wanted to see if you were okay.” He makes a face. “Ugh.”

  “That’s the same face Gabriel made when he realized he had a heart.”

  He sits next to me and pours himself a glass. “You look like you’ve been crying. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Just thinking back to a time when everything was easier.”

  “Dwelling on the past leads to more problems, you know.”

  “Well, it’s a bit too late to stop dwelling, don’t you think?”

  “Clearly seeing that your years of conjuring up revenge are irreversible.”

  I laugh hysterically.

  “Sorry,” he says.

  “No problem. You are right.” I smile to myself. “Gabriel once told
me that grief should never be used on the weak.”

  “Yes, that sounds about right post falling mother.”

  “He talked about you a lot, ya know. He just couldn’t pick up the phone and call you.”

  “Not until right before he died.”

  I look at him shocked. “He called you?”

  “Yeah. It wasn’t the most profound conversation, but it was still a conversation. It was the longest we had talked in years. He was more of a stranger than a brother to me. I think I envy that he wasn’t that for you.”

  “I envy that even though I may have loved him the most… I never understood him like you… or Scarlett. He may have been a stranger to you, Hugo, but when I look at you, I see him. You have more of a connection to him than you think.”

  “You’re right.” His eyes narrow at me. “It’s called a bitch named Scarlett.”

  I laugh again. “Indeed it is but something else.”

  “So do you always sink in your sorrows every night?”

  “No. Today is Gabriel’s birthday.”

  I can tell by the look on his face that this is not a usual remembrance day to him.

  “You didn’t know,” I say and he looks away semi-ashamed.

  “No.” He looks back at me. “Tell you the truth, I haven’t thought about his birthday since a year after his death. I guess it just sort of slipped my mind.”

  “It’s okay, Hugo.” I laugh a little. “I didn’t know until after the incident.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “For some reason, Gabriel never told me when his birthday was and I never asked but… that’s how Scarlett got me to come that night. She lied and said it was a surprise birthday party and, you know, deep down I knew she was lying… but I wanted to prove to Gabriel that I was not scared of her. I never got why he was. I just thought she was a spoiled brat with daddy issues.”

  “Technically she is.”

  “Yeah, but… that bitch is seriously psychotic and I just wanted to step up to her.”

  “It wasn’t your fault,” he says before I even knew that’s what I was thinking, and I was. I always do. If I had just listened to Gabriel, maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. “You did right. If anything that just showed how much you loved him. I’m sure she knew that even if he didn’t. Your revenge is well deserved.”