The Heart of Tomorrow (Book Two) (The Tomorrow Series 2)

by Nugen Isbell, Megan

  Stay calm, I told myself as I went to the bathroom. There’s no need to overreact.

  I finished and then went back to the dining room. I took out my phone, gesturing to Court that I needed to make a call and stepped outside. I found the number to my doctor and waited nervously as it rang. The answering service picked up since it was a weekend and once I relayed the message, I was told the doctor on call would call me back in a few minutes. Those few minutes seemed to take forever, but eventually, the phone rang and I quickly picked it up. I did my best to keep my voice calm and collected and after relaying what had happened, I was given some relief. He told me it wasn’t uncommon for this type of spotting early on in pregnancy, but to go home and rest just to be safe. He told me if I had any cramping or heavy bleeding to call back and he’d advice me then. He didn’t sound terribly worried, so when we hung up, I told myself not to be worried either.

  “Everything okay?” Court asked when I returned to the table.

  “I need to get home,” I said, gathering my things.

  “You look all pale, Natalie. What’s going on?” he pressed and I sighed.

  “I had some spotting when I went to the bathroom. I just got off the phone with the doctor.”

  “Are you all right?” Court asked.

  “The doctor didn’t seem worried, but he told me to go home and rest, so that’s what I’m going to do.”

  “Let me walk you home,” Court said, standing up.

  “I’ll be fine. I know you still have some shopping to do. I don’t want to disrupt that.”

  “Nonsense. I can tell you’re scared. I’m not leaving you alone until I have you home with Drew.”

  I knew better than to argue with Court and so I nodded and followed him outside.

  It wasn’t far to the apartment, but I didn’t want to exert myself so we hailed a cab. Court made small talk to distract me on the drive, mostly about what accessories would look good with the dress we’d picked out, but it didn’t distract me enough. When we pulled up to the building, the only thing I wanted was to crawl into bed and pray this would pass.

  I paid the driver and we made our way towards the entrance. Charlie was there and as I opened my mouth to say hello, I felt a burning in my abdomen so painful, I clutched my stomach and hunched over. I yelled out in pain as the cramping got worse and I felt Court’s arms around me just as I was about to collapse.

  “Miss Vasser!” I could hear Charlie’s frantic voice as he rushed towards me.

  “Call Drew!” I heard Court exclaim and then Charlie was gone again.

  “Court…it hurts so much,” I cried out through gritted teeth as he held me up. I opened my eyes just as I felt a gush and a searing pain rip through my abdomen and watched as the front of pants turned a deep red. Tears burst from my eyes, but they weren’t from the pain I was in, it was because I knew what was happening.

  “Oh my God!” It was Drew. He sounded panicked as he rushed over, taking me from Court and wrapping his arms around me. “What happened?”

  “She said she had some spotting at the café, but she seemed fine. She was coming home to rest and she just doubled over.”

  “Get a cab!” Drew ordered and then he pulled me to him, wrapping his arms around me, holding me tightly. “Natalie, baby,” he whispered into my ear. “It’s gonna be okay. Everything will be okay,” he repeated, but I could hear the fear in his voice. I wanted desperately to believe his words, but all I could do was cling to him as the tears continued to fall.

  ~~~

  The cab ride to the hospital had been tense. I’d sat tucked between Drew and Court, Drew’s arms around me protectively while Court covered my now crimson pants with the cardigan he’d been wearing. When we arrived at the ER, I saw the way people looked at me. The cardigan wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding the blood anymore.

  I was taken back quickly, stripped of my clothes and into the hospital gown I found myself in now as my eyes focused on the white drywall. Drew was clutching my hand as we waited for the doctor. We’d hardly said two words to each other, other than the whispered reassurances he’d given me on the drive. I knew he’d only been trying to comfort me, but part of me wished he’d just be quiet. We both knew what was happening wasn’t good and his false reassurances only hurt.

  He held my hand now, stroking it gently and pressing his lips to the back of it every so often.

  “It’ll be okay,” he said and I knew he wasn’t doing it for me at this point. He was trying to convince himself.

  “Please, Drew,” I said quietly, meeting his eyes, which looked terrified. He held my gaze for a moment, but then looked away and he didn’t say anything more.

  The door opened not long after and the doctor walked in, introducing himself as Dr. George.

  “I’m just going to take a look and figure out what’s going on,” he said and I nodded as he prepared he ultrasound machine. I was far enough along not to need an internal and he squirted some gel on my abdomen before moving a wand around. Drew’s grip on my hand grew tighter as we watched the doctor staring intently at the screen. I waited for some sign on his face that told me my instincts had been wrong, but his face remained rigid in concentration and when he removed the wand a few minutes later, he turned to us and I could see the remorse on his face.

  “I’m sorry,” he began and I felt a lump burning in my throat as my eyes filled with tears to the point his face was blurry. “As you probably suspected, you’re suffering a miscarriage…”

  “Isn’t there something you can do to stop it?” Drew interrupted, his voice frantic.

  “I’m sorry, but there’s not,” the doctor said gently and it felt as if a knife had been inserted into my heart. Our baby was gone.

  “Was it something I did? I’ve been so careful. I’ve been eating right and exercising, but not strenuously. I don’t understand,” I asked softly, wiping a tear from my cheek.

  “It was nothing you did, Natalie. You’re not to blame for this. Miscarriage at this stage isn’t as uncommon as you might think. About forty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, many even before a woman knows she’s pregnant. It’s usually due to a genetic abnormality in the fetus. It’s the body’s way of dealing with an unviable pregnancy,” he said and then paused before glancing between Drew and me. “Truly, I’m sorry.”

  Drew was holding my hand even tighter now and I looked over at him. He was trying to hold it together, but I could see his eyes glistening and I watched as he swallowed hard, trying to hold back his emotions.

  “Now, I am concerned with the bleeding you’re experiencing and to prevent infection, I think a dilation and curettage, or a D and C, is probably going to be necessary.”

  “What’s that?” Drew asked before I could get the words out.

  “It’s a procedure to clean out the uterine lining to make sure all the tissue has been removed. It’s a brief procedure, only about fifteen minutes and you can go home tonight. I’ll leave you to rest and I’ll check on you soon. Again,” he said, pausing for a moment. “I’m sorry.”

  “Thank you,” Drew said and then we were alone.

  We were silent for a long time, but he continued to grip my hand while his thumb slowly stroked the back of it. I wasn’t sobbing, but the tears fell silent in sporadic waves down my cheeks. I saw Drew trying to be discreet as he wiped the corners of his eyes, but I knew he was hurting. I knew it was different than my hurt, but I wasn’t used to seeing him like this. Andrew Saben was the definition of control, but I could sense his frustration at not being able to control this situation.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally said, my quiet voice breaking the silence. His head whipped around just as a tear fell down his cheek. He looked almost angry as he stared at me and then suddenly stood up, taking my face in his hands.

  “Baby, no. Don’t you dare apologize. This isn’t your fault. I won’t have you blaming yourself. Not even for a second.”

  “Logically, I know it’s not my fault,” I whispered, barely abl
e to get the words out. “But…I…I can’t understand why this happened. The baby…I didn’t even know I wanted a baby and now...” I stuttered, the words flying out of my mouth between sudden sobs. “And now I don’t have a baby and now I know how much I wanted the baby.”

  I don’t know if Drew could even hear my mumbled words, but when he wrapped me in his arms, pulling me close to him, I knew he understood. This time he didn’t try and tell me everything would be okay. He didn’t patronize me that way. He simply held me and together we grieved for the little life we’d never know.

  ~~~

  The doctor had been right. I’d needed a D and C. The whole scenario seemed surreal and I checked out through the procedure, closing my eyes and pretending the doctor wasn’t scraping out the last bits of the life I’d been carrying inside of me. I’d only been given local anesthesia, so I was awake throughout the whole thing. Drew wanted to stay by my side, but I couldn’t have him there and I noticed how hurt he looked when I asked him to wait outside. I was in recovery for a few hours and I did want Drew there for that.

  He looked timid when he walked into the room, moving slowly until he was at my side. He took my hand and then kissed me on the forehead before sitting down beside me. I was exhausted from everything and it didn’t take long for me to drift off to sleep.

  I was relieved when I was told I could go home and even more relieved when I actually stepped across the threshold of the apartment. It was nearly ten o’clock and even though I’d slept at the hospital, I was ready for bed. I walked straight to the bedroom and I could hear Drew’s footsteps behind me. I set my purse down on the bed and looked around. The last time I was in this room, everything was okay. I had no idea when I left to go dress shopping with Court how much my life would change.

  Drew was behind me a moment later, his hands resting on my shoulders as he pulled me into him.

  “What can I do?” he asked softly.

  “I just want to go to bed,” I said, inching away from his embrace and making my way to the dresser, pulling out my pajamas.

  “Do you need any help?” he asked, but I shook my head.

  “I’m okay.”

  I went into the bathroom, closing the door and numbly changing out of the sweatpants Court had purchased for me while I was having the procedure. I couldn’t have worn the blood stained pants I’d had on.

  I went through the motions of getting ready for bed: brushing my teeth and hair and washing my face. As I patted it dry, I glanced into the mirror. I couldn’t recall ever seeing my reflection look so sad because I’d never felt a sadness like this. I’d never laid eyes on my baby. I’d never heard it cry. I’d never felt its skin or heard its laugh, but it didn’t mean I’d loved it any less and now I was left with ideas about what might’ve been and who my baby could’ve become.

  I looked away before I could cry again and walked into the bedroom. The covers were turned down on my side and a glass of water was sitting on my nightstand. Drew was putting on his t-shirt for bed and turned around when he heard me walk in.

  “Thank you,” I said, gesturing towards the water and he smiled hesitantly at me, walking over and taking my hand, leading me to the bed.

  I climbed under the covers and he pulled the blanket over me before sitting down on the edge beside me. He brushed a few strands of hair from my forehead before kissing me, his lips lingering on my skin for a few moments before pulling back.

  “You need your rest, Natalie, and I’m here for whatever you need.”

  “I know,” I said softly, trying to smile as I reached up and rested my palm on his cheek. “I just want to sleep.”

  “Then sleep, baby.”

  He kissed me again and I turned on my side, but he didn’t leave. He sat with me, rubbing my back until I was asleep.

  ~~~

  When I woke up the next morning, I found Drew in his spot beside me, still sleeping. I wondered how long he’d stayed at my side before taking his place in our bed. His sleep didn’t look peaceful. He looked troubled and my heart hurt for him. He’d only been thinking of me yesterday and in my grief, I hadn’t asked him how he was coping.

  I didn’t give a thought to the time when I raised my hand and grazed my fingers across his cheek. He didn’t move at first, but then his eyelids began to flutter and slowly open. They looked especially green when they landed on mine.

  “Natalie,” he said, his throat low and scratchy. I could tell he was still tired and when I finally looked at the time, I knew why. It wasn’t even six o’clock and I could only guess what time he’d actually gone to sleep. “How’re you feeling, baby?”

  “I’m all right. A little sore, but I’m okay.”

  “Do you need something? What can I get you?” he asked, sitting up, but I took his arm, stopping him. “What is it?”

  He laid back down, resting his head on the pillow, the same as mine was.

  “Yesterday,” I began quietly as our eyes met. “I never asked you how you were doing and I feel badly about that.”

  I watched as he closed his eyes, keeping them shut for a few moments before opening them again.

  “Yesterday was the worst day of my life and it hurts. I think it always will,” he said softly.

  I think I expected him to tell me the only person who mattered yesterday was me because that’s how he was. My feelings always came first to him. He was a pillar of strength all the time and he never showed weakness. I was glad he wasn’t pretending he was all right.

  “I keep thinking about the baby, wondering if we would’ve had a son or a daughter…what it would’ve looked like…what we would’ve named it.”

  “I think about that too,” I whispered.

  “The worst part about yesterday though was knowing you were hurting and there was nothing I could do to help you.” He ran his fingers over my cheek and I watched as his eyebrows creased in concern. “I need to know you’ll be okay.”

  “I keep asking myself why this happened,” I said and my voice trailed off.

  “I know we’ve talked about this before, but everything happens for a reason. I’m doing my damndest to understand why this happened because it doesn’t make any sense, but I keep telling myself there has to be a reason, even if we don’t see it. Maybe it wasn’t the right time, maybe we weren’t ready…I don’t know, but there’s a reason why this happened and, baby,” he said gently with the first smile not backed by pain, “this isn’t it. It’ll happen again and it’ll be all right.”

  Something about the conviction in his voice told me to believe him. Right now, there didn’t seem to be a logical reason for losing our baby, but I knew there had to be one and I hoped someday I’d learn what it was.

  “I didn’t realize it could hurt this much,” I whispered. “One minute I was pregnant and then another…I wasn’t. I feel empty.” I tried holding back the tears, but it was no use. He pulled me to him and I cried, praying someday the sudden hollowness inside me would be only a memory.

  Thirty-Two

  No one knew about the baby and I wanted it that way. I told work I’d had to have emergency gall bladder surgery instead of the truth. I didn’t want the sympathetic looks and people feeling sorry for me the way I knew would happen if they knew the truth. My baby was gone, so it didn’t matter anyway. I stayed home for a few days and then returned to work and life went on.

  One evening while waiting for Drew to get home, my phone buzzed with a notification and I picked it up to find an email from the wedding planner. My mind had been anywhere but on the wedding since I lost the baby. The few days I’d been home recuperating, I tried occupying myself so I couldn’t think about it. I read. I watched too much TV. I even organized closets and dressers that didn’t need organizing…anything to keep my mind busy. My plan worked better than I expected during the day, but at night it was another story. In the darkness, I was reminded of what I’d lost and sleep was sometimes impossible. After three days of the struggle, I went to the pharmacy where I purchased a bottle of Tylenol P
M. That night I slept like a rock. Not because I didn’t think about the baby, but because I couldn’t fight the medicine and I was grateful for that.

  The email had jostled me back to reality though. It was a question regarding flowers and as I looked at the pictures of lilies and tulips, I knew my heart wasn’t into the wedding. The diamond was heavy on my finger and the hollow pit in my stomach grew wider as I realized I couldn’t marry Drew right now. We’d only hastened the marriage because I was pregnant. I wasn’t pregnant anymore and with the current state of my being, I was in no shape to get married. I just hoped Drew would understand.

  He walked in from work, looking stressed. He was good about not bringing work home, but tonight appeared to be an exception. He set his briefcase down and kissed me on the head without a word before going straight to the kitchen. I heard him pull out a glass and when I turned my head to see what he was doing, I saw him pouring himself a glass of scotch. He rarely drank hard liquor, which indicted to me that my initial observation had been correct.

  “Rough day?” I asked as he walked towards me, setting the glass on the coffee table before sitting down beside me. He sighed deeply as he took my hand and leaned against the couch, closing his eyes for a moment.

  “That’s an understatement.”

  “Can I ask what happened?”

  “California’s what happened. Worst decision we ever made. Should’ve just let them implode and focused our attention here in New York. Damn Taylor.” He leaned forward, taking a quick drink before looking over to me. “I’m sorry, Natalie. I shouldn’t come home and lambast you with my shitty day.”

  “I don’t mind, Drew,” I said, scooting closer and linking my hands with his.

  “How’re you feeling?” he asked and I noticed the way his eyes drifted to my stomach. We didn’t talk much about it, but he would always ask how I was and when I needed him to hold me, he would, no questions asked.