GUILTY SECRETS

by Virginia Kantra

  Joe was sitting up waiting for her return.

  "Of course, it will be a while before I can go on assignment," he said as soon as she reappeared. "But Myerson let me know that as soon as I'm mobile he wants me back in the field."

  The weight in her arms, the cold whole chicken and bright foolish flowers, dragged on her chest and mocked her hopes.

  Breathe, Nell commanded herself. Smile.

  Just because Joe was so clearly delighted to get his old job back didn't mean he didn't want her, too. She should be happy for him. She was happy for him. He had believed in her when no one else had. He had given her back her faith and her career. She wouldn't grudge him the same. She just needed a moment to absorb the news and adjust her own expectations.

  "That's wonderful," she said calmly. "Excuse me while I put these in water."

  She escaped into the kitchen, terrified her control would slip. Setting her bags on the counter, she bowed her head, fighting tears.

  Joe stood and swung after her on his crutches. "I thought you'd be pleased."

  Nell forced herself to move. Briskly, she started unloading groceries onto the counter, trying not to look at him. "I am," she insisted. "I'm just trying to be practical."

  He frowned, his sharp blue eyes fixed on her face. "What does that mean?"

  Oh, God, she couldn't stand it. Her timing was wrong. Again. It was one thing to decide she wasn't going to settle anymore. It was quite another to confide all her fragile hopes and grand plans to a man who had just announced his eagerness to go half a world away.

  It spoiled the mood.

  Her hands shook. The lettuce blurred. "I have to fix dinner," she said abruptly. "You need to eat."

  "Damn it, Nell." Using his crutches, he pushed himself forward. "Will you stop trying to take care of me and just tell me what's wrong?"

  That did it. She broke. She dropped the lettuce and turned to face him, tired of fighting both him and herself.

  "I can't," she said. "Don't ask me to. If I stop taking care of you, there's no role for me in your life."

  His eyes narrowed. He looked furious. Shaken. "That's bull. I love you."

  She hadn't dreamed he would hurl the words at her like stones.

  She flinched. "You don't have to say that."

  He swore. "Apparently I do. Obviously I should have said it sooner."

  Her heart hammered. "Not if you didn't mean it."

  He glared at her. "Of course I mean it. I just didn't want to put you in a position where you'd be forced to say yes or no."

  She moistened her dry lips. "Why… Why not?"

  "For starters, I didn't know if the surgery was going to be a success. What kind of future could I offer you if I couldn't even walk?"

  Her heart pounded. "That doesn't matter to me."

  "Well, it does to me," he said through his teeth. "I didn't want to be another obligation you took on."

  Did she dare to believe him? Could she bear not to?

  "You're not an obligation to me," she whispered.

  He shook his head. "You are so damn giving. You deserve so much. More, maybe, than I can give you."

  Dread curled her stomach. "Is this where you give me the let's-be-friends speech?" she asked. "Because I don't think I can take that right now."

  "No. Hell, no. I don't want us to be friends, Dolan. But I don't want to be your damn patient, either. I don't want you staying to take care of me."

  I don't want you staying. Her heart froze. "How can you think that?" she asked.

  "Why wouldn't I think that? That's your job."

  Nell had had enough. "It's not my job that's the issue here. What about yours?"

  "What about it?"

  She spelled it out for him. "You're leaving."

  His head came up. His face went still. "Are you asking me to choose between you and going back into the field?" he asked quietly.

  "No." She shook her head, frustrated he could know her so well and still not know why she loved him. "I'm glad you have your job back. I'm glad you have your idealism back. You should go make a difference in the world. But when you leave, you're taking my heart with you."

  And the separation would probably kill her.

  He stared at her. "You don't get it, do you? My heart is here. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, my heart is here with you."

  She was weeping as he said, "You are my center. The center of my world. I won't take a permanent posting abroad. I can reduce the length of my assignments. I'll do anything you need to make this work."

  "I don't want you to do anything," she said honestly. "As long as you come home."

  "I will always, always come home to you."

  Balancing on his crutches, he cupped her face. He kissed the tears from her eyes.

  "If you'll have me," he whispered. "Will you? Will you marry me, Nell, and live in our house and have our children and be my home and the world to me?"

  She drew back her head. Not far. Just enough to look into his eyes. And the answer she found there satisfied her heart.

  "That's a pretty articulate proposal, Reilly."

  "Yeah." He grinned. "But it's sincere as hell."

  Deeply content, she said, "Then I'll have to settle for that."

  "Is that a 'yes'?"

  Her smile spilled. "That is absolutely a 'yes.'"

  He kissed her.

  And knew, as his arms closed around her, that she would never have to settle for less than she wanted again.

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