“Of course I am.” April wrapped an arm around the girl’s shoulders. “I’m not changing my mind, Ranie. Not now and not ever. No matter what happens.”
“Are we the reason Connor left like he did?”
“What do you mean?”
“He didn’t even say goodbye,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry,” April said, and pulled the girl closer. “He had an early flight and...” How could she make an excuse for something inexcusable? “I wish he would have handled it differently. He cared about you girls, but it’s hard for him to admit that.”
Ranie glanced up at April, her blue eyes unsure. “Sometimes Mom had boyfriends who wouldn’t stick around once they found out about Shay and me. Back when Shay was a baby and Mom was healthy. She never said anything, but I could tell it made her sad. One of our neighbors would babysit and Mom would be so happy for a few weeks. Then she’d bring the guy around to meet us, and he’d be gone.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sure your mom never blamed you. Those just weren’t the right kind of men.”
“But you really liked Connor and it makes you sad that he left.”
April didn’t bother to deny it. Even at twelve, Ranie could spot a lie without much effort. “I did like him, and I am sad.”
“Me, too.”
“But he didn’t leave because of you and your sister.” April took a deep breath and then added, “Or because of me. Some people are just too scared to let themselves be happy.”
The girl nodded. “I was really angry when Mom died. I still am sometimes. I think about her and I hate that she’s gone. I hate cancer. I hate being the girl with no mom. I wish I was like Shay, but I’m not.”
“I understand,” April admitted softly. “Sometimes I hate being defined by my breast cancer. I’m proud to be a survivor, but there is ‘before cancer’ and there is ‘after cancer’ and that will never change for either of us. All I ever want you to be is who you are. Even when you’re mad or grumpy, I want you here. Even when I’m scared or unsure, I’m not giving you up. We’re in this for the long haul. Do you understand?”
Tears shimmered in Ranie’s eyes. “I want to be happy again,” she whispered.
“Oh, sweetie.” April hugged her tight. “You will. We will together.” And because it was the right thing to do for this girl, April forced away her own heartache and let the love she felt for Ranie and Shay fill her heart. She wished it could have been different with Connor, and there was no denying that every part of her ached for him. But sadness and regret wouldn’t rule her life. Her future was here in Crimson with these girls.
She shifted and turned toward the fireplace once more. “Let’s rescue the rest of our pinecone family. I’m ready to head to our new home for the three of us.”
“Where’s Connor?”
April frowned. “Back in California by now, I imagine.”
“No, I mean his pinecone.” Ranie picked the two smaller figures out of the fireplace. “It’s not here. Did you already throw it out?”
“I didn’t touch it.”
Ranie made a face and gave a creepy groan April would have expected to hear in a Halloween haunted house. “It’s like he disappeared and was never really here in the first place.”
April might believe that except for the deep ache in her heart. “We know he was here, and I believe that being with us this Christmas helped him. I hope he remembers us and it makes him feel a little better each time he does. He cared about you, Ranie. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“I know,” the girl whispered. “It’s hard to be happy after someone dies. I feel guilty sometimes when I smile or laugh, like I should always be missing Mom.”
Thinking of how much emotional weight this girl carried on her shoulders made tears clog April’s throat. “She’d want you to smile and laugh. You understand that, right?”
Ranie nodded, then stared at the two pinecone figures in her hand. “At first I felt bad that I liked you. I didn’t want you to be nice because it felt like I was turning my back on my mom.”
“I could never replace your mother, and I’d never try.”
“I get that now,” the girl answered, meeting April’s gaze. “I’m happy we’re going to be a family.”
“Oh, sweetie, thank you.” April hugged the girl tightly, so aware of the precious gift Jill had given to her. For someone who had thought she’d never have a family, the fact that for the rest of her life April would have the honor of caring for Ranie and Shay was tremendous. She sent up a silent prayer of thanks to her friend for entrusting her with these precious girls.
She gave the two pinecone figures Ranie held a pretend kiss with the one in her hand. “Let’s find your sister and Jingle and head home.”
Chapter Thirteen
“How is it possible that one person has so many mugs?” Sara Travers folded the lid on another cardboard box and taped the edges together.
It was New Year’s Eve, and Sara, who had just returned from her vacation the previous day, had spent the whole morning helping April pack up her small apartment. Although the space had two bedrooms, April wanted a real house for the girls.
One great thing about the close-knit Crimson community was that people were willing to help out friends and neighbors. Her landlord had been the one to suggest the three-bedroom cottage only a few blocks from the elementary school. She’d quickly found someone to sublet her current rental so they’d be settled in their new home by the time school started next week.
“I like options for my tea,” April said with a wink. She stepped toward the window and looked down to where Ranie and Shay were making a snowman in the open space behind the building.
Sara came to stand beside her, wrapping an arm around April’s waist. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about them when all of this started.”
“It was temporary and I knew you’d—”
“Tell you to pull your head out of your butt and make a home for those girls?”
April laughed. “Pretty much. I thought I’d left my fear behind in California when we moved to Crimson.”
“Yeah, right.” Sara snorted. “Fear is like a barnacle. You have to scrape that sucker off with sandpaper.”
“I don’t think I’ve gotten rid of mine,” April admitted. “I’m just learning to breathe through it.”
“I like that plan.” Sara stepped back and did an exaggerated mountain pose. “It’s what makes you such a damn fine yoga teacher. You’ve got the Zen stuff down.”
April turned to her. “You know, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel at peace. I still don’t quite trust that I’m the best person for those girls, but I know I’m going to do my best to take care of them.”
“Honey, you’re the best person I know. You took care of me when I was a train wreck. If you can handle a washed-up Hollywood tabloid mess, you can handle Ranie and Shay.” Sara put her hands on her hips and cocked a brow. “Speaking of hot messes, I heard you got quite chummy with Connor Pierce while he was here.”
Absently, April pressed a hand to her chest. She’d gotten used to the ache that accompanied thoughts of Connor, and now it felt almost like a companion. “It was kind of close quarters up at Cloud Cabin.”
Sara leaned in. “Close as in ‘between the sheets’ close?”
April could feel heat rising to her cheeks and turned to the boxes stacked next to the bookshelf. “He let me read his manuscript. It was amazing.”
“You slept with him,” Sara whispered, her tone full of wonder. “You haven’t gotten busy with a man since your divorce. That’s a big deal, April.”
“It wasn’t.” April was surprised how easily the lie rolled off her tongue. “We had a holiday fling. Nothing more.”
“You don’t do flings.”
“I do,” April said wi
th a laugh that sounded hollow to her own ears. “When the guy runs away at the end.”
“Oh, honey.” Sara pulled her in for a tight hug. “Connor Pierce might be a brilliant author, but he’s also a total idiot.”
April sniffed and rested her head on her friend’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re back,” she whispered with a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “I’ll be okay. The girls and I will make everything okay.”
Sara stayed for lunch and then headed back to Crimson Ranch. She and Josh were hosting a big New Year’s party later that night. April took the girls to buy school supplies and a few more clothes, since she wasn’t sure when the boxes with the rest of their things that Jill’s sister was shipping would arrive.
They played cards and then got ready for the party.
“Are all your friends nice?” Shay asked from the backseat as April turned onto the dirt road that led to the ranch.
April glanced in the rearview mirror, thinking about how different this car ride was than that first day up the mountain. “They’re all nice. You met most of them at the party at the bakery before Christmas.”
Shay nodded, as if satisfied by the answer. “Will Brooke be there? She’s going to be my friend at school. I like her.”
Jake and Millie Travers’s daughter, Brooke, was only a year older than Shay and April thought it was a good sign that Shay was excited to see her friend again.
“Yes, Brooke and her parents will be at the ranch tonight.”
“I wish Connor was here,” Ranie muttered, and then sucked in a breath, as if shocked she’d said the words out loud.
April wasn’t surprised. She and Ranie had come a long way since their conversation at the cabin, but Connor was the one who’d been able to so easily smooth the girl’s rough edges.
“What do you think he’s doing for New Year’s Eve?” Shay asked. This was a game the girl liked to play—what is Connor doing now? At different moments during the day, Shay would raise the question and then they’d all have to guess at the answer.
“I don’t know, sweetie. Maybe he’s going to a party with his friends.”
“He can’t be,” Shay argued. “We’re his friends.”
“Who cares what he’s doing?” Ranie snapped. “He left us, Shay.”
“I know that,” Shay answered softly. “Mommy left, too, but it doesn’t stop me from loving either of them.”
“Mom died.” Ranie’s tone was exasperated. “It’s different.”
“Have you girls ever seen fireworks above a mountain?” April made her tone bright, trying to push away the darkness of the heavy silence. “The town sets them off on the top of Crimson Mountain at midnight. The colors reflect off the snow and it’s beautiful.” She gave a small laugh as she parked the Jeep in the row of SUVs and trucks in front of the ranch’s main house. “At least that’s what I’ve heard. To tell you the truth, I’ve never been able to stay awake late enough to see them.”
“Me and Brooke are going to be awake until the new year,” Shay shouted. She bounced in her seat, the verbal sparring with her sister already forgotten. “I can stay up all night long.”
April turned to see Ranie roll her eyes, but she was smiling at her sister. “We’ll see about that, squirt.”
Since she was an only child, Sara was the closest thing April had to a sister. She was getting used to the constant banter between the girls and the fact that she didn’t have to mediate every exchange. Despite their differences in temperament, Ranie and Shay had a special bond and, once again, April felt a wash of gratitude that she’d been given the gift of caring for them.
They got out of the SUV, boots crunching in the snow as they approached the house. April could see people talking and laughing through the picture window, the bright warmth of the house’s interior at odds with the bitterly cold night. A wistful sigh escaped her lips before she could stop it. Most of her friends in Crimson were half of a couple, and she suddenly realized that part of the reason she turned in early every New Year’s Eve was because she didn’t have someone worth staying awake for to kiss at midnight.
It was time she opened herself to the possibility of finding love again. As much as she’d wanted it to be with Connor, there was no use pining for someone who couldn’t love her back. A new year was a time for new beginnings, and she put dating on the list as her first resolution. The thought of being with anyone except Connor made the gaping void in her heart feel even more hollow.
Josh Travers greeted them at the door, and she was proud to introduce Shay and Ranie to him. They’d only taken a few steps into the house when Sara rushed forward and threw her arms around April.
“Nice to see you,” April said, laughing at her friend’s exuberance. “But you know it’s only been a few hours since you were at the apartment.”
“Don’t be mad,” Sara whispered in her ear. “Promise you won’t be mad.”
Before April could ask for an explanation, Shay’s voice rang out in the now-silent room. “Connor’s here!”
Everything disappeared except the man standing across the room, watching her from those piercing green eyes. His hair was shorter than it had been at Christmas, and the shadow of a beard covered his strong jaw. He wore a thick gray sweater and tan cargo pants with boots, and he looked rough and rugged, like he belonged in Colorado. In her world.
But she knew that was only an illusion, so her first instinct was to turn and flee. Then Ranie’s hand slipped into hers. April forced herself to remain where she was as Shay ran forward, dodging other party guests to launch herself into Connor’s arms.
April could feel the curious glances of her friends as he made his way toward her.
“Happy New Year,” he said when he was standing only a few feet away.
“Connor,” Shay said, practically bubbling over with excitement, “there’s fireworks on the mountain at midnight. We’re going to stay up and watch them.”
“That’s pretty late for a little girl,” he answered, his voice gentle.
“April said I could.” Shay wriggled in his arms and he lowered her to the ground. “And we’re moving to a new house. Are you going to come see it? How long are you staying in Colorado?”
He smiled and tapped her on the nose. “That depends on my three favorite girls.”
“You left,” Ranie said softly, the two words at once a painful reminder and a condemnation, and exactly the sentiment April wanted to express.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his gaze focusing on the girl. April tightened her grip on Ranie’s hand, as if emotionally shoring up them both. “I was stupid.”
“Truth,” the girl muttered, and one side of Connor’s mouth curved.
“I missed you, Ranie,” he said. “There’s no one to give me grief without you.”
“Is that why you’re here? Because email and text work a lot easier.”
“I don’t want email or texts. I want to be here. Now.” He took a step toward the entry table and as he moved, his scent floated around April. Pine and spice—the combination almost brought her to her knees with the longing that poured through her. She tried to push her need back under the surface. “I also have something that belongs with you.”
He picked up a gift box from the table and held it out to the girl. April curled her hand into a fist as Ranie released it to take the box. She opened it and let out a small gasp. “I knew you took it,” she whispered. Lifting the pinecone figure holding a book out of the box, she turned toward April. “It didn’t just disappear.”
“No,” April agreed, then fixed her gaze on the man now standing so close she could see the gold flecks around the edges of his eyes. “But you did. Why did you come back, Connor?”
“For you,” he said without hesitation. “I came back for you.”
Hope sliced through her fragmented defens
es as she scrambled to shore up all the cracks in the walls that guarded her heart. She wasn’t sure she could handle this moment without falling apart again.
She watched Shay tug on the hem of his sweater, her reaction to his return so simple. “I’m going to play with Brooke. Don’t leave without saying goodbye, okay?”
“I’m not leaving,” he told her, and with a nod, she skipped away. He met April’s gaze again. “I’m not leaving,” he repeated.
“My life isn’t simple,” she answered. “And I’m done making things easy for you.” Behind Connor’s shoulder, she saw Sara give her the thumbs-up and then Josh pulled his wife away. Suddenly it was all too much. Connor’s return. Her friends watching. The way her heart stammered inside her chest.
She whirled around and made it several steps toward the front door before a hand grabbed her arm.
“April, don’t run away.”
“Don’t you dare say that to me.” She shrugged off his touch, grateful that at least since she’d moved into the foyer, all of her friends wouldn’t bear witness to this. Whatever this turned out be. Her heart and her mind warred inside her head. “I’m not the one who ran. I pushed through my fears and doubts and I’m making life happen.” She pointed at him, then lowered her hand when she realized her fingers were shaking. “You ran, Connor. When things got complicated, you took off.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again, and drew in a deep breath. “And you’re right.” He bent so that they were at eye level. “I’m scared to death, April. Every day. Every hour. Every minute and second. I can barely think for the fear pounding through me.”
“I know.” She bit down on her lip, hoping the small flicker of pain would stem the tide of her tears. She turned away again, her hand on the door.
“But it’s nothing compared to the way I miss you.” His voice hitched on the last word. She squeezed shut her eyes and didn’t turn around.
Christmas on Crimson Mountain Page 17