Live the Dream

by Josephine Cox

  With her heart in her boots, Amy wondered what could have caused Daisy to 'have words' with Roy. Probably something and nothing, she thought. Besides, Daisy had been through so much, she could be forgiven for being touchy now and then.

  At the door of the ward, Amy was told by the duty sister, 'Daisy is very low, I'm afraid. See if you can put a smile on her face.'

  'I'll do what I can.'

  The sister smiled her approval. 'You're the best medicine she could have,' and with a friendly wave of the hand she excused herself. 'I must away and tend to other duties.'

  Left alone, Amy peered through the window to where Daisy was seemingly sleeping. 'Chin up, sweetheart,' she muttered. 'God willing, we'll soon have you out of here.'

  Her heart was heavy as she went inside, but she would never betray that to Daisy, not for one minute.

  As she approached the bed she saw that Daisy was in a deep slumber. Her eyes were tightly closed and now, as Amy came nearer, Daisy's arm went instinctively to her neck, and pushed away the blanket.

  Quietly seating herself in the chair beside the bed, Amy's gaze roved over that familiar, beloved face, and her heart was sore.

  Daisy had been hurt badly that night—first from the impact of the wooden crates as they fell on top of her, and then by the scorching heat and smoke as the flames licked all around. But thankfully, the fine scars on her face were now beginning to fade. The damage done to her lungs by the smoke had slowly repaired. Her hair, which had been shorn in order for the doctor to stitch the many smaller wounds, had grown back so that it was like a short, well-fitting cap over her head.

  The worst wound, and by far the greatest cause of Daisy's anguish, was the wide, meandering scar that ran from her right ear down her neck and over the swell of her breast.

  This was where the sharp, iron-clad corner of that first falling crate had torn a deep, jagged path through her flesh, leaving an unsightly wound that had later become badly infected, and subsequently taken a long time to heal.

  The doctors had already informed Daisy that although it would fade in time, the scar would be a permanent one.

  More times than she could recall, Amy had sat and watched Daisy while she slept, and each time, she had quietly cried.

  She cried now. But the minute she saw Daisy stirring, she wiped away the tears. By the time Daisy opened her eyes, Amy's smile was brighter than a summer's day.

  'Look at you!' she tutted light-heartedly. 'Lying in bed while some of us are flogging ourselves to death at work.'

  'Amy!' As always, Daisy was filled with joy at seeing Amy's bright, familiar smile. 'I'm sorry, at first I thought it were Nurse Rita sitting there. Oh, Amy! I'm so glad you're 'ere.'

  Daisy had news she could hardly wait to tell. 'Guess who came to see me after you'd gone yesterday?' And before Amy could answer, she went on excitedly, 'It were none other than Luke Hammond! I thought I were imagining things when I saw who it was—the Tuesday man from Tooley's! I kept thinking it were a dream or summat, but it really was him. Who'd have thought a posh fella like Luke Hammond would have been going to old Ma Tooley's cafe all this time and we never knew? And who'd ever imagine he would come to see me here? He were right kind. He brought flowers, but the nurse took them away, an' he said as how he were deeply sorry for what happened, and that I wasn't to worry about a thing. Whatever I needed, I was to let him know…but I told him I don't need nothing, 'cos you see to all that.'

  She smiled knowingly. 'He said he thought you might, and that you seemed a caring young woman who would value a friendship more than others would.'

  As Daisy ranted on, Amy couldn't get a word in. 'He said the police had been to see him, and I told him they came here as well, and that I didn't see nothing. He said I should never have gone inside the building, but that he would forget about that, and Roy's job was safe; though he did have to reprimand him. And after all, it weren't us that set fire to the place were it, lass? Anyway, they've not found nobody yet. And he says there's a job waiting for me if I want it…'

  'Slow down, Daisy!' Concerned that she was getting too breathless and excited, Amy stopped her. 'I already know he would have been to see you,' she admitted. 'He came to the shop first and asked if that would be all right.' She also mentioned that it was not the first time Luke Hammond had called at the shop to check on Daisy's wellbeing.

  'Anyway, how are you feeling today?'

  Amy reached down to kiss her soundly on the forehead. 'By! You look better with every passing day.'

  Daisy gave no answer. Instead she looked away as the tears rolled down her sorry face.

  Amy had grown used to the tears, and she was ever supportive and sympathetic, while at the same time never letting Daisy's misery go unchecked. 'Hey! None o' that, my girl!' she chided. 'You'll have me thinking it's me that's making you cry. And besides, you'll get wrinkles if you keep on like that.'

  When she turned her head to look at Amy, the tears had gone and Daisy was smiling. 'Oh, Amy, lass, you always make me smile,' she said. 'I can't tell you how much I miss you when you're not here.' Her voice broke. 'You're all I've got now, lass.' And as she silently wept, Amy's heart was deeply moved.

  'It's all right,' she whispered. 'Aw, Daisy, I can't bear to see you cry, so from now on…no more crying.' Brightening the mood, she gave a wag of the finger. 'I want smiles and plenty of 'em, yes?'

  Daisy gave a little heartening laugh. 'All right.' She wiped away the tears. 'Help me up, will you, lass?' Putting her two arms out, she let herself be guided by Amy.

  After much gentle pushing and shoving, and Daisy wincing with pain when the scars in her neck seemed to take her body weight, she was sitting up against the pillow.

  The tremendous effort had taken it out of her, but, as always, Amy would not let her slip into a mood of self-pity. 'You've worn me out,' she groaned. 'Move over an' mek room for a little 'un. I need to lie down.'

  'Don't be daft!' Daisy laughed, though painfully.'I'm the one who's ill, not you!'

  Amy corrected her. 'You're not "ill",' she gently chided. 'You were badly hurt and now you're on the mend. That's the top and bottom of it. And never forget, me and Jack are here for you. And so is Roy.'

  At the mention of Roy's name, Daisy fell silent.

  'Hey?' Amy cocked her head to see into Daisy's face.

  'What's wrong?' She had not been too unduly concerned when the nurse had said how Daisy sent Roy packing. It wouldn't be the first time Daisy had suffered severe bouts of depression since the night of the fire.

  Daisy turned, her eyes bright and pretty as ever, and her pained expression wringing Amy's heart. 'I try not to feel sorry for meself, lass,' she murmured, 'but I can't help feeling bitter. I'm bitter about what's happened. I hate myself, Amy. I hate what I look like, and I hate my life. Sometimes, I think I'd be better off out of it!'

  'No, Daisy.' Amy held on to her. 'Don't talk like that.'

  'And why not?'

  'Look, Daisy, I know it's terrible what's happened to you, and I wish to God I could turn back the clock, but I can't and neither can you. But hard though it is—and I can only begin to imagine how badly you must feel—it's not the end of the world. All right, I know you might think it's easy for me to say, with you in that bed and me looking on, but listen to me, please?' Leaning forward, she held Daisy's sorry gaze. 'It won't always be like this, sweetheart. The doctors have already said all the scars but one will heal, and the other…' she let her gaze fall to the neck of Daisy's nightgown, where the scar was like an angry tramline running out of sight, '…it will fade, Daisy, until you can hardly notice it.'

  'I'll always notice it, and so will everybody else!' Snatching away, Daisy gave vent to her anger. 'I don't care what they say. I'll always be scarred and ugly. I'll never be like I was before.'

  'These are good doctors, Daisy,' Amy argued. 'You have to believe them. If they say it will fade, then it will. They deal with these kind of injuries all the time.'

  Daisy was having none of it. 'Just look at
me, Amy. The doctors have done what they can, and I still look like a freak! I'll spend the rest of my life buttoned up to the ears like some old woman in winter, just to cover up the wretched scar.'

  Amy countered Daisy's anger with her own. 'You have to trust the doctors, Daisy. You're not on your own. I'll be there for you. And there are other folks who love you and want to help. My mam and dad…Maureen. Even Ma Tooley has asked after you every day. She said you can have your old job back if you want it '

  'Huh!' Interrupting, Daisy made a cynical, comical face. 'That would frighten the customers away, wouldn't it, eh?'

  Choosing to let the remark go, Amy reminded her, 'Then there's the most important person of all, and that's Roy. He's hurting so much, Daisy. He loves you more than you could ever realise. He blames himself for taking you to the factory in the first place. Jack says there's never a minute when he's not talking about you, and making plans for the future. So you see, Daisy, you have got a future. And when you and Roy are married, you'll have a whole new, wonderful life to look forward to, with your own house and children, and everything.' She recalled what Daisy had told her not so long ago. 'Can't you see, Daisy? It's what you've allus wanted. You'll be living the dream, the one you carried in your heart all these years, and never told anybody, until me.'

  As she pleaded with Daisy, Amy's emotion spilled over. She had been alarmed by what Daisy had said about being 'better off out of it'. It made her realise how low Daisy had sunk. She had to make Daisy understand that life was a precious gift and whatever happened, it was worth living every last minute. She needed to make her realise how much she would lose by caving in, and how much more she could gain by being strong.

  'Don't brood on it, Daisy,' she pleaded. 'Whenever you feel down, talk to me, please. And talk to Roy. He'll help you through this, you know he will.'

  Daisy gave a deep sigh. 'I've sent him away. I don't need him.'

  Amy sat bolt upright. 'What d'you mean, you "don't need him"?'

  Staring at the sheet, Daisy twisted it between her fingers. 'I don't want to be with him looking like this. Oh, I know he wants to marry me, and that would have been wonderful, but not now.' She raised her stricken eyes. 'Don't yer see, Amy, he would only be marrying me out of pity because he's blaming himself? But it's no good. I don't want to wake up one morning to catch him sneaking a look at these ugly scars…and regretting the day he married me.'

  Amy was visibly shaken. 'Is that what you told him—that you thought he would only marry you now out of pity?'

  'No! I told him I don't love him no more. I said I could never marry a man I didn't love, and that he'd best find somebody else. He were here when the doctor told me about the scar.' Her hand touching the ugly scar running to her breast, she choked back a sob. 'I saw the look on Roy's face; he were horrified, lass. He couldn't even look at me. I knew then what I had to do, so I sent him away. I told him if he tried to see me again, I'd tell the nurses not to let him in.'

  'Oh, Daisy, that was so cruel.' Amy knew how devoted Roy was, because he'd opened his heart to her more than once since this awful thing had happened. 'If Roy looked horrified, it was probably because he blames himself for what happened; not because he couldn't bear to look at your scars.'

  Daisy would not be gainsaid. 'You weren't here. You didn't see the look on his face!' She closed her eyes in anguish. 'When the doctor had gone, he went really quiet, and soon afterwards he said he had to go for a walk. He was gone for such a long time, and I was thinking how he'd run off that he couldn't even stand to be with me. When he finally came back, I told him it was all over.'

  Hard-eyed and determined, she stared at Amy. 'If I remember right, they say you have to be cruel to be kind, and that's what I'm doing…being kind to him. Even though he might not think it now.'

  Amy was helpless. 'You'll regret it, Daisy. When you realise what you've thrown away, you'll change your mind.'

  'Think about it, lass,' Daisy whispered. 'Take a good look at me an' ask yourself what bloke in his right mind would want to make love to me, eh?' Her agonised gaze went to the scar and for a moment it was as though she was mesmerised by it. I'm marked for life,' she murmured, 'and like it or not, I'd best get used to it. I know I did right,' she declared, returning her gaze to Amy. 'It's best for Roy, and best for me.'

  'All right, Daisy, if that's what you really want.'

  Later, God willing, when she had thought it through, Daisy might come to realise that Roy was her best chance of happiness.

  'Sleep on it tonight,' Amy suggested, 'and we'll talk about it tomorrow.'

  'I don't want to talk about it any more. I won't change my mind.'

  There was another image she could not get out of her mind. 'I wonder who it was that we saw running away.' She moaned as though in pain. 'I wish I could describe him, but it was so quick and the figure was too shadowy.' Her frown deepened. 'Why would anyone want to set fire to the place, knowing we were in there?'

  Amy had no answers either. 'I don't know,' she said. 'Whoever it was hasn't been found yet, but he will be. I'm sure of it.'

  Drawing up the collar of her nightgown to hide greater part of her scar, Daisy imparted a confidence. 'A mate of Roy's reckons it might have been Hammond's wife who did it. God knows, she's crazy enough to do summat like that. Happen she's grown tired of him, and she wants him destroyed.'

  Glimpses of the old Daisy peeped through. 'Happen that night they had the humdinger of a row. Maybe with her old lover behind bars, she took some other bloke to her bed and Hammond found out. They fought about it, and she stormed out and set fire to his factory to get back at him. Anyway, that's what Roy's mate reckons, and so do I.'

  Amy was curious. 'Who is this mate of Roy's? I thought Jack was the only mate he had?'

  Cursing herself for being loose-tongued, Daisy tried to cover up. 'It's just some fella he sees now and then.' Deliberately avoiding Amy's quizzical gaze, she finished limply, 'That's all I know.'

  She slid down in the bed. 'You'd best go now, lass. I'm feeling tired.'

  'Daisy, what is it you're not telling me?' Amy gently persisted.

  Knowing she had already said too much, Daisy reluctantly thought it best to tell the truth, and anyway, as far as she knew, Amy had long ago got over Don Carson…at least she hoped so.

  'All right. You might as well know,' she conceded. 'It's Don Carson. He and Roy became friends when Don got out of the nick some time back and, apparently, Roy still goes round to see him once in a while.' Falling back against the pillow, she continued in a wearier voice, 'Roy mentioned his name soon after we met. I never told you because I thought it might be better if you didn't know.'

  'Don Carson? Good heavens, I had no idea he was still in Blackburn. And he's been in gaol? How come he never told me he'd been in gaol? What did he do to end up there?'

  'I don't know, Amy. I don't think he was there long, so maybe it wasn't much.'

  'What do you mean? It had to be "much" for him to receive a prison sentence. Heck, he could have done sum- mat awful. We could have been married and living on the proceeds of crime!'

  'No, Amy, I don't think it were like that. I reckon he were a small-time crook and he's learned his lesson. Roy says he's straight now.'

  'How come everyone seems to know about this but me, then?' Amy was angry and indignant.

  'Just me and Roy know, lass. That's all. And I reckon Don were ashamed to tell you he'd been in prison. That's why he couldn't go through with the wedding-'cos he knew he'd not be able to keep his secret for ever and he thought you'd think badly of him. He thought so much of you that he reckoned he could never live up to your goodness and honesty, according to Roy.'

  'Oh, so you've been discussing me, have you?'

  'No, lass. It wasn't like that,' Daisy was quick to assure her. 'I were mad about Don too and Roy knew the truth and wanted to reassure me you'd not been thrown over 'cos, as you thought, Roy didn't rate you highly enough. It were the exact opposite.'

  Amy gave a little si
gh and then smiled. 'Honestly, Daisy, the longer I live the more glad I am that I'm not married to Don Carson,' she said. 'It's a surprise to find him still around, and a friend of Roy's, but I put all thoughts of what might have been behind me long ago. Now I'm with Jack, and he's a far better man than Don Carson could ever be.'

  Daisy gave a mischievous little smile. 'You love Jack, don't yer, lass?'

  Amy hesitated, as the memory of Luke Hammond's kiss shot into her mind. She firmly suppressed the thought before answering with a warm, shy smile. 'Yes, Daisy. I think I do.'

  But Amy could not quite leave their former subject. 'Where's Don living now?'

  'Johnson Street, not far up from where Roy lives.'

  'I see…" Noting how tired Daisy was beginning to look, Amy urged her, 'You need to rest now. We can talk about this tomorrow, if you like. Is there anything you need—another nightie? Some magazines?' Gathering Daisy's washing from the cupboard, she stuffed it all into her bag.

  Daisy held her back. 'Don't go yet, lass,' she pleaded. 'Stay a bit longer, eh?'

  Concerned that Daisy was tiring herself, Amy insisted, 'No, Daisy. You need your sleep. Like I say, I'll be back tomorrow.'

  'Your friend is right, young lady!' An officious-looking nurse marched towards them. 'You've done enough talking for one day.'

  Amy gave Daisy a kiss on the forehead. 'Take care, love,' she said. 'You need to get your rest like the nurse said.' She knew how much Daisy liked the pictures. 'When you're feeling up to it, I'll treat you to the pictures. There's a Clark Gable film advertised and it looks really good. What d'you think?'

  Daisy smiled wistfully. 'Let's not make too many plans, lass,' she said solemnly. 'There are other things to think on first…like getting me home and settled.'

  Realising that it might be a long time before Daisy ventured into public places, Amy assured her, 'Whatever you want is fine by me.'