Light in the Dark

by Lindsay Paige

  “Mornin’, son. Any idea on what DaDa should do with you today?” I ask as I pick him up. He babbles eagerly as we work on the diaper change and get him dressed. “Do I take you with me to work? There’s more people there. Most importantly, I’m there. Or do I leave you here with Grandma, Nana, and Idaline since if Lila comes around, she’ll probably wait until I’m here?”

  Sawyer answers, but I’m not sure which way he wants to go. When I stand him up to kiss his forehead and to pick him up, he smiles his little toothy grin and shouts, “Ahda!” He bounces up and down with excitement. I glance over my shoulder to see Idaline.

  “Well, someone really likes you,” I laugh, placing Sawyer on the floor and watching with pure happiness as he runs over to Idaline.

  “Why, though?” she asks with confusion. Idaline bends down to be eye-level with him and he hugs her.

  “He knows when he’s met a good person.” Idaline doesn’t seem to accept this answer. “Plus, he likes fresh meat.” That makes her laugh. “Come on; let’s have breakfast.”

  The three of us eating breakfast together? It’s heaven. The missing piece of my life is here and she fits in seamlessly. But I remember my mother asking about whether or not Idaline would want to be in a relationship when I have a son. Whether she’ll eventually be ready to take on that role as his mother, because that’s exactly where this will lead. Should I find out if she’s prepared to do that before we go any further?

  If she says no, would that really separate us? Because I still wouldn’t want her to go anywhere. Sawyer will work his magic on her as long as she’s here. She’ll fall in love with him and change her mind. I just can’t see a possibility of Idaline being totally opposed to life with Sawyer and me.

  “What are you thinking about over there?” Idaline asks.

  “Something my mom said.”

  Idaline nods at first, but then she says, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I hesitate for a fraction of a second before tossing caution to the wind. This is Idaline. We can talk about anything. “She was worried about if you’d still be up for a relationship with me since Sawyer is involved.” Idaline’s eyes widen. “I know I caught you off guard with that and you weren’t expecting him, but you’re ready to be here with both of us, right?”

  She’s quiet as she glances over at Sawyer who happily eats his breakfast. Her eyes meet mine with a fierce determination. “I’ll do anything to be with you. Sawyer is something I wasn’t prepared for, but it’s not like I’ll haul ass back home because of him. He’ll be worth staying for just as much as you are.”

  God, I love her. Just when I think she can’t get any better, after all these years of knowing her, she proves me wrong.

  Our breakfast ends nicely. I decide to keep Sawyer at home where there’s a locked door between him and whoever may be on the other side. My mom and nana are made to come over, even though only one of them is needed. This is partly because Idaline made appointments to look at some apartments. I’m a tad disappointed to hear this, as I would’ve liked to go with her, but I can’t take off at the last minute. Well, Brent may actually let me because he’s that nice, but I don’t want to find out.

  Whenever I have a free moment at work, I’m texting someone at home to check in on Sawyer. Everything has been quiet. No visits from Lila, which quite frankly just puts me on edge. Lila won’t disappear quietly into the night like a good person. And I’m proven right when I’m leaving work and she’s sitting on the hood of my car.

  A ton of emotions hits me like a brick. Fury, dread, fear, and anxiety are at the top of the list.

  “Stalking me now?” I ask when I’m within ten feet of her. I focus on her bruise, hoping it’s enough of a distraction because just the sight of her puts tequila on the forefront on my mind and has my mouth salivating for the taste.

  “We need to talk.”

  “No, we don’t. Having a restraining order kind of prevents that,” I remind her. I pull my phone out to call the cops because I’m not messing around. I don’t have to talk to her and I don’t want to. Lila jumps off my car, rushes over, and snatches my phone from me. “Lila,” I sigh. “Give my phone back.”

  “I want you back, FC. We were so good together. I even gave Sawyer to you!”

  “You’re fucking crazy if you think I’d ever get back together with you. Or that we were good together for that matter. Hand over my phone.” I hold my hand out, but it’s useless. One thing I won’t do is try to wrestle it away from her. She’s not about to say I put my hands on her in any way.

  “I know we needed time apart and that you needed to see I would do anything to be with you, even if it meant giving Sawyer to you, and I did that. I gave up my rights, so you would see I was a good mother and that you would see I’m a good person. My life sucks, FC, and it was better when you were in it.”

  I laugh, making her frown. “You were a good mother? A good person?” A hysterical laugh bubbles out of me again. “A good mother saw her son when she still had rights. A good person doesn’t do this!” I whirl around and lift my shirt so she can see the scars she left. Before I can pull my shirt down, she’s touching my back with a gentleness that doesn’t match her personality. Swiveling on my heels, I grab her wrist with my phone, peel her fingers off of it, and release her. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again.”

  As I walk around her to my car, in the calmest of voices, she says, “This isn’t over, FC.”

  It damn sure isn’t because unless Lila decides to leave me alone, she’ll continue to be a nightmare in my life. Feeling her touch makes me want to go home and shower with a bottle of tequila. Her exploring my scars for all of a second is completely different than when Idaline did so last night. Idaline was concerned and worried. No doubt remembering how I kept my back turned away from her the last time we were naked together, when my back was still healing from what Lila did to me.

  She wanted to know exactly what happened and I reluctantly gave her the details of that night while she placed soft kisses all across my back. It felt like it took forever for the tension to leave me. I despise those scars and I’m not looking forward to the day Sawyer asks what happened to me. I may have my son and be glad Lila isn’t involved, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to one day telling him the truth of why she isn’t in his life. If he asks, I’ll tell him. I don’t plan to lie.

  I just hope he waits a long time before asking me about her.

  When I get home, my three favorite women, plus my dad, are in the kitchen laughing. So much for not overwhelming Idaline too soon. Although, part of that is my fault. I check over her body language first as I walk closer to make sure she’s comfortable. Appears so. She smiles when she spots me and I kiss her cheek.

  Sawyer bangs on his highchair table, calling out my name. I walk over to kiss the top of his head and say hello to him.

  “How was your day?” Dad asks.

  “Fine until Lila showed up.” Happiness leaves each of their faces. I recount what happened as I pick Sawyer up, needing to hold him close and reassure myself he’s happy and safe, even though I know he’s not what Lila wants. She barely mentioned him.

  My family tosses out all sorts of ideas on how I need to handle the situation with Lila. My eyes keep straying to Idaline, though, who focuses on her meal and stays quiet. Once conversation dies down, thankfully, I’m able to speak to her.

  “How was your day, love?”

  Her gaze lifts with surprise. As if she wasn’t expecting the conversation to turn to her. “I found a place to rent. Looks like I should go home to pack soon.”

  “Where is the place?” I ask.

  “A few miles down the road. Now, I just need to hear about a job.”

  “We can go this weekend to pack,” I tell her, causing Mom to offer to keep Sawyer for me. My heart says he should go with me, while my mind says it may be easier to pack without him walking and crawling around. I still have a few days before I decide on whether or not I’ll bring him with
me.

  “You could bring him,” Idaline says, reading the anxiety on my face. “My grandpa could come over and keep an eye on him.”

  I laugh. “Grandpa McAllister? He doesn’t like me, remember?”

  Idaline’s smile soothes my soul. “He’ll like Sawyer, though.”

  Now that, I don’t doubt. Being here, home with my son, Idaline, and my family, I begin to relax. Thoughts about relapsing and drowning myself with a bottle of tequila move to the back of my mind. The volume gets turned way down to a manageable whisper instead of a shout. This is what I need to remind myself of whenever Lila is near. My son, Idaline, and my family are way more important than whatever she’s up to or the drink I may want to take. She will not drag me down into the darkness again.

  In the end, Mrs. Hart convinces FC to leave Sawyer behind. It takes a lot of persuading from his family; I stay out of it. FC goes back and forth on whether to bring him or not. And even as we’re leaving, I can see the uncertainty on his face. We drive separately, just in case we need more room for my things, and every time I look into my rearview mirror, I can sense his worry from my own car.

  My soul whirls out to seep into his car, as if to comfort him. When we finally arrive at my apartment, it feels so weird, yet familiar to walk in with FC.

  “Hey, whatever happened to Mr. Fish?” FC asks as we set our bags down by the door.

  “He died a few months ago.”

  Sadness crosses his features and I fall in love a little more. “I’m sorry, love.” He steps forward to hug me. “We can get new fish. Have a tank at my house. Sawyer would love that, I bet.”

  I lean back to look at him. “That means I have to come to your house to look at the fish.”

  FC grins. “I know.” He kisses me quickly. “Do you want to grab some food, relax for just a bit, and then start some packing before bed?”

  “Let’s order something.”

  FC nods in agreement. “You do that then. I’m calling to check on Sawyer.” He runs a hand through his hair. “This is the first time I’ve ever left him for anything other than work. That’s stressful enough on its own without me thinking about Lila being nearby.”

  Oh. That is a big deal. I mean, I knew he was likely anxious over Lila, but he definitely has a reason to be anxious considering this is his first time away from his son. I leave him to make his phone call while I figure out what we should eat and place an order for something to be delivered. FC’s voice changes the moment he talks to Sawyer. It softens and turns all sugary sweet. It’s freaking adorable to listen to him talk to his son.

  And he talks to him or his mother until our food arrives. We sit at my dining table and eat quietly at first. All we have to pack is my personal belongings. This place came furnished and I made sure to find a furnished apartment in Raleigh as well. It’s nice to be back at this table with FC, but at the same time, the air feels different.

  “Are you happy we’re doing this?” FC asks.

  I frown with confusion. “Yes, of course.” Being with FC is all I’ve ever wanted; why wouldn’t I be happy now that it’s finally happening? “Are you?”

  He nods. “This is a big change, especially for you. I need to make sure you’re okay is all. I need for this to work, Idaline. We need to be open and honest about everything. We need to talk about the hard stuff and work through it. We need to rely on each other. I won’t be able to survive losing you if this doesn’t work out. You remember what I told you, right?”

  I nod, struggling to swallow with the tears welling in my eyes. He’s referring to the night he told me I was the one person he can’t imagine living without. I reach over to hold his hand. “I promise to do my best and when that isn’t good enough, you have permission to reel me back in.”

  FC smiles and squeezes my hand. “Same for you, love.”

  “There is one thing that worries me.” FC’s eyes sear into me. “Not like truly worries me, but worries me in the sense that it’s overwhelming to think about right now.”

  “What is it?” he asks.

  “The weight of our future.”

  FC frowns, looks a bit confused, and sets his fork down. He tugs on my hand. “Come here,” he says softly. I stand and move to sit in his lap, straddling him since that’s how he positions me. “Explain it to me.”

  A horrifying thought hits me. “What if you get upset?”

  “I won’t,” he promises.

  I’m not sure I believe that, but I trust if he does get upset, we’ll work our way through it. So, with a deep breath, I begin to explain myself. “I know a romantic relationship is still new to us, but I feel like our future is already set in stone and I don’t know.” I glance down at his stomach where I’ve chosen to rest my hands. “Knowing that we sort of expect to get married one day, knowing that you expect me to help raise Sawyer…” My voice trails off. That’s the most overwhelming part.

  Knowing that I’m already essentially entering the role of mother, even if it’s not official yet. It’s what is expected to happen, which means I might as well somewhat start acting the part now. I know I’m twenty-seven, but I still feel like kids are a long ways off if I were to ever have them. And now, with no preparation, there’s this beautiful little boy in my life.

  What if I mess up? What if he decides he doesn’t like me? What if we don’t bond? These questions tumble out of my mouth before FC has a chance to speak. “What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m not meant to be a mother? What if it turns out I like kids better when I can return them to their parents and not have them around twenty-four seven? We’ll be one of those couples who forever lives separately, never gets married, and dates for years and years because it’ll turn out I don’t want kids of my own.”

  FC clamps a hand over my mouth. “Calm down, Idaline. Your anxiety is talking and I need you to come back to me. I’ll remove my hand, but I want you to stay quiet and listen to me carefully.” When I nod in agreement, he removes his hand. “All these questions are nothing but your anxiety getting the best of you.” I frown and shake my head in disagreement. “Yes, it is, love. Sawyer already likes you. We’ll both mess up. We’re not perfect.

  “You’ve already started to bond. You can handle it because we’ll be doing it together. And you do want kids one day. You wouldn’t have that list of favorite names if you didn’t want to be a mother. I’m sorry you’re feeling pressured; that’s the last thing I wanted for you. You take things at your pace, okay? But instead of being overwhelmed that our future seems to be set in stone, maybe you can find comfort in knowing where we’ll end up.”

  He does have a point. I lean forward to rest my forehead against his. “Maybe it was my anxiety talking.”

  FC smiles. “It was. Some are legitimate concerns, but you were getting carried away, too.”

  Feeling a bit better about things, I return to my own seat to finish eating. We tidy up and then decide to start with my bedroom. That’s where the bulk of my things are. Might as well get the biggest mess out of the way, right? It won’t be prettily packed either because we only have two vehicles to pack with as much shit as possible.

  “Do you think you’ll be happy in Raleigh?” FC asks after we’ve steadily worked for about twenty minutes.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I answer honestly. “Aside from you, it seems like a nice place. If I can get a job, things would be complete.”

  He nods in understanding. A few times, he stops to text his mom. Smiling shyly as he admits he’s getting an update on his son, which often includes a picture he shows me. We talk more in depth about the past two years of our lives. Him and his relationship with Lila, the birth of his son, and what it’s been like as a single parent moving back home close to his parents. I tell him about awkward run-ins with Justin, my issues with anxiety, even where it concerns him, and about the time period where we hardly talked at all, especially once I learned his name.

  It’s cathartic to feel so free with him, freer than ever to communicate and talk about things I might hav
e hesitated with in the past. I think it’s likely because he’s shared every possible thing about himself that he could. He’s opened himself up. He’s made himself vulnerable. If FC, who I know is so strong, can make himself vulnerable to tell me about the weakest parts of himself, then so can I.

  After two hours of packing, we decide that’s good enough for one night. It’s quiet as we get ready for bed. FC is first in bed. He lies on his side, one arm stretched out just beneath my pillow. A small smile rests on his face.

  “What are you waiting for?” he asks as I stand next to the bed, gazing at him.

  “Does it amaze you that we now get to sleep in the same bed? And not as friends, but as lovers?” I wiggle my eyebrows, which makes him laugh.

  He reaches over, grabs my wrist, and tugs me hard. “Do you know what amazes me?” he asks once I’m lying comfortably next to him.

  “What?” I whisper.

  “That you could love me. That you still love me. That you’re willing to be with me. Everything about you amazes me.”

  I grin. One kiss leads to two and two kisses lead to our hands exploring each other’s bodies, which eventually leads to heavy breathing, moans, and the best sex ever.

  We spend all day Saturday packing and finish in time to drive over to my grandpa’s house to eat dinner with my family. Considering this huge change I’m making, they all want to see me before I leave and they would like to meet FC. I think we’re both a bit nervous. Neither of us really have a reason to be, but we are all the same.

  We enter my grandpa’s house holding hands, feeling like a team ready to face a firing squad if need be. My parents and my grandpa sit in the living room. They laugh over something we obviously missed since we weren’t inside when they were talking.

  “Hey, y’all,” I say to announce our arrival.

  Heads turn, smiles stay in place, and they stand. Grandpa is closest, so he’s the first to pull me into a bear hug.