Light in the Dark

by Lindsay Paige

  “Say whatever you want. You have five minutes.”

  The relief is evident as her shoulders relax and she gives me a small smile. Lila comes closer, but she’s smart enough to stay two feet away from me. And I listen as she gives me her side of the story.

  “Mom told me that you’d be more willing to get back together with me if I gave up my rights because it meant I would be looking out for Sawyer’s best interest and giving you what you want. I figured I would do that, wait a few months, and then reach out to you. But you moved away and,” she glances down as if in shame, “I met someone.”

  Lila looks up at me for a reaction, but my expression is emotionless. She sighs a little, but continues. “Things were great for a while. Then everything changed and he became abusive. I didn’t know how to get away. I thought about calling you.” At this, I snort because I’m honestly not sure I would’ve helped her. Lila frowns. “Our relationship was pretty toxic, but I was finally able to end it and now, here I am. I want to be with you, FC. I love you. You should be with me, not that South Carolina slut. I messed up and I’m sorry, but things will be different this time around. So, what do you say?” She looks so hopeful, but I have no issues with what I’m about to say.

  “No. Hell no. Please go back home.” I turn to leave and that’s when Lila’s true colors burst free. She takes a swing at me as rage explodes on her face, contorting her features into something ugly. She misses my face and hits my shoulder. It’s in that split second that I realize I forgot my phone. Lila begins to scream, but I keep walking.

  “You can’t do this to me! We belong together! I won’t stand for this! It’s because of that girl, isn’t?”

  And it goes on and on until I finally reach my apartment. I worked so hard to get rid of the stress she gave me only for her to show back up and give it all back to me again. The temptation to slip into the darkness by finding something to drink looms over me, but that can’t be an option. I need to figure out how to get rid of Lila.

  Yelling from outside sends my heartbeat galloping faster and faster. I hurry to the door, but before I can peer through the peephole, FC storms through the door, slams it shut behind him, and locks it. He sees me and relaxes.

  “Come here, love,” he says softly as Lila shouts something about getting revenge. I hurry to him and he wraps me in his arms as tight as he can. “It won’t be easy to get away from her, but as long as I have you and Sawyer to keep me grounded, we’ll be okay.” He kisses my forehead. “Let me take my shower and then we’ll go to bed.”

  Things suddenly quieten outside as he leads me toward his bedroom. Before I know what I’m doing, I blurt out, “Shouldn’t I go home?”

  FC nearly breaks his neck when he looks back at me. “No. I don’t want to risk you running into her and it’s late. You should stay here tonight.” He tugs me down the hallway. “You should take a shower with me. Let’s wash the filth of her memory away.”

  There’s no sense in arguing with him. I allow him to lead me to the bathroom. My breathing is unsteady as we slowly undress each other, steam building in the bathroom. If I didn’t know FC loved me, if he hadn’t said the words, I know by the way he looks at me. I can feel it with his touch. And when he kisses me, his love consumes my very soul, reminding it to whom it belongs and of our bright future together.

  There’s nothing special about our shower other than we’re both here together and FC eyes me with such a heated gaze. After we dry off, FC grabs my wrists before I can grab my pajamas.

  “We don’t need those right now,” he says with a smirk.

  “What do we need?” I ask.

  He walks us backward until my legs bump into the bed. “We need some lovin’ from each other. Don’t you agree?” His hands slide up my back while his head dips to drop kisses on my neck and shoulder. My body lights with the fire he sets with his every touch. He somehow sends my heartbeat accelerating while steadying it all the same.

  Sex with FC makes the world complete just as much as when he looks at me or holds my hands or tells me he loves me or says something sweet. It brings us so much closer each and every time. I have never felt as cherished and loved as I do when I’m with FC. How one person can emit so many emotions? It’s overwhelmingly perfect.

  “What are you thinking?” FC asks me afterward.

  “I think you make me too happy for words.”

  FC smiles. “Right back at you, love. Let’s get some sleep.” He kisses my forehead and pulls me in tight.

  Snuggling with him and falling asleep in his arms is heaven on earth.

  In the morning, Nana comes over, FC leaves for work, and I leave for my apartment. FC doesn’t like the idea of me unpacking alone, but I’m looking forward to the time to do so. I’m hoping beyond all hopes that I hear about a job soon. My anxiety is low, but constant, and the longer I wait, the worse it’ll get.

  With some music playing from my phone, I begin to unpack my things. It’s blissful, actually. Doing all of these things means I’m not thinking about Lila, needing a job, my new relationship and responsibilities. My mind is a carefree blank. Well, mostly. It’s been on my mind what FC said. How maybe we should get some fish.

  If I can get everything unpacked, then maybe Nana and Sawyer would like to go with me to pick everything out. Then again, that might be something FC would want to do with us. How long does it take to hear about a job anyway? Can’t I hear about one today? That would be pretty awesome. I probably shouldn’t buy fish until I find a job. I need to be smart about my money before I run out of it.

  Miraculously, I finish unpacking. After a call to my grandpa to check in with him, I lay on the bed to revel in my accomplishments. I’m freaking exhausted. Add on to a steady stream of anxiety because my mind thinks I should’ve heard about a job already and I’m even more tired.

  “Idaline?” a quiet masculine voice says.

  I stir from a sleep I apparently fell into, open my eyes, and see FC and Sawyer sitting on the edge of my bed. I gave FC the spare key to my house; otherwise, I would be concerned with how he got into my apartment.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask as I sit up.

  “You weren’t answering your cell and I was worried. You got so much done today. No wonder you wanted a nap.”

  “I actually didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  “Ahda.” Sawyer crawls over to me with his toy in hand and shows it off to me.

  I entertain him, happy to see them both. With a quick glance at a nearby clock, I see it’s way past dinner time.

  “Hungry?” FC asks.

  “Nom!” Sawyer shouts, causing us to laugh.

  “Looks like two of us are hungry,” I say.

  “He’s always hungry if food is brought up. I may have already ordered something since I know you haven’t been grocery shopping yet. It should be here soon.”

  FC is the best. We move into the living room, where we play, have dinner, and then I say goodbye to FC and Sawyer. Living in a new place is always weird and it always gives me some anxieties. At least I can do my best to shrug it off as normal nerves. FC checks in every now and then before we go to bed, and that helps soothe me.

  But my anxiety goes insane the next day. There’s not much for me to do, other than complete some grocery shopping and wait around, hoping I hear about a job. If I’m not walking around the apartment, I’m sitting with my knees bouncing, my fingers constantly tingling, and my heart beating too fast. I also get referred to a new therapist, who I’m supposed to see tomorrow. I’d much rather be interviewed for a job.

  What if I never get a job? Then what? What if my previous employer gives a bad reference because of how I left? How will I survive then? Maybe I should calculate how many days my money will last me.

  A day goes by and on the second, I feel even worse. I need to hear something from someone. There’s a knock on my door around noon. Thinking it’s FC, I open the door without checking the peephole first. When I see Lila, my heart stops. My body freezes. I don’t ev
en have the chance to slam the door closed.

  Lila pushes her way past me. “Thanks for letting me in. Idaline, right? Took me a long time to remember that.”

  I turn and face her, closing the door. “What do you want?”

  She laughs. “I want you to leave FC.”

  “So you can abuse him again?”

  Her mouth drops in outrage and shock. “I never did such a thing! Is that what you think? I mean, look at me and look at FC. How in the world would I abuse him? Every couple has arguments, Idaline. That’s all that happened between FC and me. And now, here you are, ruining what we’re supposed to have together. Do you get off being a homewrecker?”

  I stare at her for a moment. Is she serious? Does she truly believe the words coming out of her mouth? “You’re delusional,” I say the very words I’m thinking. “FC doesn’t have scars on his back from an accident or simple arguments. Those are from you and your hatefulness. He didn’t have black eyes and bruises from anyone other than you. I don’t know what you’re doing here, and quite frankly, I don’t care. But you aren’t welcome and you’ll never have FC. Not because of me, but because of you and what you did to him.”

  I’ve never seen eyes light up with an evil glow before now. The slap comes before I have a chance to blink. My cheek burns. Did she seriously just hit me? There’s another knock on my door and I rush to answer it.

  FC. Thankfully.

  He sees me and my reddening cheek. He glances behind me and sees Lila. And that same fury I saw before in Lila’s eyes fills FC’s. He storms past me, grabs her arm, and drags her out of the apartment, nearly throwing her out of it.

  “Stay the fuck away from her. My patience is gone, Lila. Gone. Go home and don’t ever come back.” He slams the door, locks it, and then turns to face me. “Why in the hell would you let her in here?”

  “I didn’t!” I shout, angry that he’s directing his anger at me. “I opened the door, thinking it was you, and she barged in. She slapped me, FC! I could blame you for that because she’s your ex-girlfriend. What are you doing?” I snap as he steps forward and wraps his arms around me.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I was angry at her and worried for you. Let’s breathe and calm down.”

  “I don’t want to calm down,” I pout. “I’m mad you yelled at me.”

  FC chuckles. “Then be mad at me while I take you out to lunch. And let me give you a kiss.”

  I pretend to think about it before pursing my lips and allowing FC to get himself a kiss. “I’m not up for lunch,” I confess. “My anxiety has been insane the last two days.”

  He frowns, not at all happy to hear about this. “Then you should leave. You’ve been cooped up here too long. Some fresh air and a new scenery might do you some good.”

  “It doesn’t work that way,” I say, trying my best not to snap at him and be angry.

  He nods. “I know. You’ve explained it to me enough that I know better, but I don’t think hiding in here is helpful either. Let’s go and I promise to make it as good as I can for you.”

  With a sigh, I agree to go. We’re both on the paranoid side, looking around for any signs of Lila. We don’t see her, so maybe she finally went away. FC calls in to a diner, places an order, and it’s ready by the time we get there. He runs inside to grab it and then carts me off to a nearby park. It’s too cold and windy to sit outside, but it’s nice to see trees and grass, even if it is winter.

  “Maybe you should come over tonight,” FC suggests. “We could go look for fish if you want.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  FC grins, happy that I’m agreeing to get out of the house, but I’m about to ruin it.

  “But I should probably sleep at my apartment.”

  My phone rings with a number I don’t recognize. For a moment, I hesitate about answering it, but decide I better. My heart pounds as I listen to the man on the other end. He’s from one of the places I applied to and would like to schedule an interview with me tomorrow. It’s as if my prayers have been answered. But I’m terrified as well. There’s so much pressure on me now.

  “Idaline? You got a job interview?”

  “Yeah, tomorrow.” I look over at him, completely scared to death. “What if I don’t get it?”

  “Aw, love.” He tugs me toward him the best he can with a console between us. “Let’s worry about that after the interview and once they’ve told you you aren’t hired. I’m sure you’ll do great tomorrow.”

  I’m sure hoping. FC takes me back home so he can head back to work and I spend the rest of my day worrying about my job interview for tomorrow. FC does come over after work to pick me up. Sawyer looks like a happy little baby and shouts my name as I get into the car.

  “Hey, Sawyer,” I say to him with a smile. He grins at me. “Do you want to get some fish?”

  He answers back, but I’m not sure if he says yes or no. FC gave him a fish stuffed animal to play with, so it seems as if he is ready.

  “I figured we would get the tank today, check out the fish, and come back tomorrow once the tank is ready,” FC tells me.

  That sounds good to me. Sawyer talks in the backseat until we arrive at the store. FC holds Sawyer’s hand, letting him walk into the store. It kind of amazes me. He has the patience to walk a little slower, stop when Sawyer finds something of interest, and talk to him about whatever he sees. He’s totally entranced by the birds we come by. FC picks him up, so he can see a rabbit that’s up for adoption.

  And when we get to the fish, Sawyer is in love. He tries to press his face to the glass, but FC doesn’t let him get quite that close. Sawyer points to practically all fish.

  “We have to find a place for them to live first,” FC tells him as we walk toward the tanks and away from the fish. Sawyer twists in FC’s arms to look at the retreating fish.

  “DaDa!”

  FC rubs his back. “We’ll get some later. It’s okay.”

  Showing fish to Sawyer first turns out to be a bad idea. All he wants is fish. It’s tempting to show him something else, but the last thing I think we should do is show him other animals that he may fall in love with. FC doesn’t seem bothered by Sawyer’s whines and pleas to see the fish. He soothes him with such gentleness and patience that halfway through picking items out, Sawyer has stopped crying and is making his fish swim like the ones he saw.

  “What about this?” FC holds up a decorative item for the tank. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I see people be parents all the time, but for some reason when you do it, it just…” I shake my head as my voice trails off. “It amazes me when I watch you. It’s almost as if I’ve never seen someone be a good parent and you’re my first example. I love watching you with him.” I shrug and focus on the pirate ship in his hand. “I like it.”

  FC smiles, leans forward, and kisses me chastely and quickly. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Sawyer joins in on the fun and smacks a kiss to FC’s cheek.

  “I love you too, son.”

  Gah, they are too adorable. I’m glad FC dragged me out of the house. Or at least, that I’m spending time with them. I’m not anxiety-free, but I don’t feel like I’m drowning in it either. My mind is mostly distracted for a bit. The noise, the worry, has quieted to a soft thrum instead of loud, raucous buzzing.

  “Do you want to come over and set it up with us?” FC asks as we’re checking out.

  “I should probably go home. I have a therapy appointment and my interview tomorrow,” I remind him, though I would love to go with him. But how am I supposed to get used to my new apartment if I’m spending the nights at his house? And…and…I’m sure there are more reasons why I shouldn’t go. Why I feel this way, who knows.

  “I’ll worry about you if you don’t come.”

  “I can take care of myself.”

  He sighs as he pushes the cart toward the exit, while I now hold Sawyer. “I know you can take care of yourself.” But things are awfully
quiet as he drives me to my apartment. He finds a free parking space as close as he can and then turns toward me in his seat. “Just remember that we don’t live in two different states anymore. We’re only five minutes away from each other. If you need me, you call me or come over.”

  “I know. No more hiding or running away, I promise.”

  His smile is relaxed and happy. “I’d walk you to the door, but…” He tilts his head toward the backseat where Sawyer has nodded off.

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Text me when you’re safe inside.”

  That I can do. After a breathtaking kiss, I head inside.

  “I’ve read over the notes from Mrs. Judith, but I would like to hear from you,” Mr. Tucker says. “Tell me a little about yourself, your anxieties, and what brings you to Raleigh.”

  All I can do is stare at him for a moment. My heart is boomeranging around my chest, trying to find a way out. I didn’t really know who I was seeing today, and I didn’t realize I would be as caught off guard as I am right now. Before I can think about it, I blurt out what’s sort of troubling me. “You’re a man.”

  Mr. Tucker, a man at least fifty years old, chuckles. “Yes, ma’am, I am.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m just used to seeing women. It’s happened that way with all my doctors and you’re throwing me off here.” He’s actually giving me anxiety. Will it be different for some reason? Will he be less sympathetic? Is he as good at his job as Mrs. Judith? Why am I even thinking these things?

  “Don’t worry about it, Idaline. If it makes you feel any better, I know Judith personally and that’s how you ended up here. She trusts me to take good care of you and that’s what I plan to do.”

  “You know her?”

  Mr. Tucker nods and even smiles. “She’s my sister-in-law.”

  And just like that, a whoosh of relief leaves me. I think back to what he asked of me and begin to talk. By the end of my first session, I decide I like him. Knowing that he knows Mrs. Judith and she trusts him eliminates so many of my anxieties about seeing a new therapist. He has such an easygoing style when he talks and he seems so understanding. He wishes me luck with my job interview, but he’ll get an update next week. With everything going on and to partly get me more comfortable with him, and maybe at my request, he’s seeing me on a weekly basis for a while.