Paul’s face went slack as though he was disappointed maybe even heartbroken by my response. He took a breath and looked down to his feet. “I love you, too, but I can’t let you squander this for me. You have so much potential but I’m chaining you here. Forcing you to narrow your horizons to one tiny, little place on this Earth. You’re settling. I can’t let you do that. You aren’t meant to stay here, Mia, and if me being in your life is what’s keeping you from moving on, then I need to go.”
It was like someone just smacked my head into a wall. My brain suddenly felt fuzzy and rattled. “Wh–what are you saying?”
“I’m saying…” Paul took another breath and clinched his fist. When he looked up, his eyes were watering. “I’m saying that we need to break up. That you need to make the best decision for you and take me out of the picture.”
A sob tore out of my chest. “You don’t mean that,” I said. “You don’t mean that!”
“Mia…I–” He paused, searching for something to say. Take it back, Paul.
“Mia. I’m sorry.”
And just like that, Paul left me standing in my room watching him go.
CHAPTER FIFTY
I HATED LOVE, I decided. I hated it. What had love done to me? It had ignored me, made me fall in love with it, left me to move states away, made me miss its absence, and then left me all over again.
Paul, my Paul, had left me. He’d looked me in the eye and told me that we couldn’t be together anymore. I don’t care what his reasons were. I don’t care if he was doing me a favor. I don’t care if he thought it was for my betterment. Paul left me.
I don’t know how many days I cried, only that after a while I stopped counting. I don’t know how many people called to see if I was all right, only that I stopped answering the phone. I don’t know how I functioned from day to day, only that now I had one job instead of two. Tanya had told me a few days ago that my depressing mood was bad for the atmosphere and she was looking to go in a different direction.
Hank had noticed my sullenness and attempted to lighten my spirits by taking me to a 24 hour diner after my last shift. All I remember about the experience was that I cried uncontrollably and spilled my heart out to him. I’d found myself wanting Hank to console me, but instead he dropped some money on the table, said, “Sorry…this might be a little more than I can handle,” and left. I’d cried some more, not even caring that the wait staff and customers eyed me.
Marlowe attempted to get me out of my funk but I wasn’t letting her. I wanted to feel the pain. I wanted to let it wash over me. If the pain left what if my love for Paul left with it?
Despite how he’d broken my heart, I couldn’t imagine a world where I didn’t love Paul. I didn’t want that world to exist. My heart knew his. It beat for him. Bled for him. And I’d hang on for dear life if I had to. I’d dig my feet in the ground. I’d hang on to my love and let it rip through me until I was shreds before I let him go.
During my grief, I tossed his words through my mind over and over.
I’m chaining you here.
You aren’t meant to stay here.
I knew the truth of those statements even if I didn’t want to believe them. If Paul hadn’t suddenly shown interest in me, what would have happened then? Would I still have stayed here this long? Maybe I’d already be halfway across the country, working, fulfilling my dream. I’d never blamed him or thought of him as a hindrance, but now, hearing those words from his mouth, I had to admit there might be some truth to them.
Maybe it wasn’t about letting him go. Maybe it wasn’t about burying that love or forgetting it entirely. Maybe I was seeing it all wrong. It felt like I was at a breakthrough. Nearly there, but my grieving heart wouldn’t let me realize it. My heart pulled me back into the pain and I let it wash over me.
That’s what I was, a ball of pain. Everyone who saw me knew it. I didn’t know how to pull myself out, but then Marlowe finally convinced me to talk to her.
“It’s been a month,” she told me.
So that was how long it had been. It felt longer. Much longer. Years. Years had torn through me since Paul’s parting words.
“I–I didn’t know that,” I said, my voice sounding thick. We were sitting on my couch, me fiddling with the frays of a pillow, her looking me straight in the eye.
“It has.”
“Is that a long time?” It didn’t feel like it. A month. One tiny, measly month. How was I supposed to be over him in a month?
“No,” she answered, but sighed. “It’s not, but…I guess I just don’t want this to be for nothing. He broke up with you. It hurts. You hurt. Nothing is going how you’d hoped. But Mia…it’s not going to. I talked to Paul. He seemed pretty sure in this decision.”
I couldn’t help it, I cried again. “Doesn’t he love me? How could he just walk away from all of this?”
Marlowe sighed again and moved to sit closer to me. “He does love you.” She grabbed my hand, squeezing it. “He doesn’t even have to say it to me. I know he does. But honestly, Mia, he feels guilty. And maybe scared. He’s afraid that he’s ruining your life. He’s afraid that you’re going to get tired of the long distance and leave him. He’s afraid that this is all going to be another Marjorie. That you’ll realize how bad he is at relationships.”
“But he’s not bad! He’s great. And I’m not Marjorie. I’m not looking for the things she was. I just want him Marlowe. And I was willing to take whatever him I could get. If it was every two months. Three months. Phone calls every few days. It didn’t matter. Because I love Paul and I want Paul. Why can’t he see that?”
“I don’t know. Men are stupid sometimes. Well, we’re all stupid. Men. Women. It doesn’t matter. We all do stupid shit in the name of love. Paul thinks he’s helping you. Saving you from something. But he’s made up his mind. He’s not going back on this. At least not from what I can tell. So what are you going to do about it?”
I knew what I was going to do, what I had to do. Even if I hated everything Paul had said, I could see the wisdom in it. My fear. My neediness. All my life I’d lived in one town. Before I’d graduated I’d dreamed of moving away, starting a life somewhere new and exciting. Suddenly, Paul had come in and clouded all of that. That dream was still real. And my beautiful Paul was handing it to me.
I delved in deep. I found my strength. I’d dreamed of Oregon before. Maybe Paul was right. Maybe it was time for me to move on.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
Paul
HOW LONG HAD I been staring at this wine glass?
It was still full, not a sip taken. When did I start drinking wine?
When the absence of Mia became too great, I thought. It hadn’t been long after I’d moved, but over the last month, I’d been drinking more. A bottle a night wasn’t unusual. Staring at this full glass, I realized that my taste for it had worn.
My taste for everything had worn. The reality of what I’d done was crashing into me. I couldn’t drink it away anymore. It was there, staring me in the face. When I missed her, I couldn’t call and hear her voice. When I needed a pick me up after a long day, I couldn’t fall asleep knowing that a few states over Mia was thinking of me too—not in the way I wanted her to at least.
For a month I’d poured myself into work and then came home and poured the wine. I’d numbed myself, begged for the ache in my chest to dissipate.
I made the right choice, I told myself, ignoring the bitter taste in my mouth. Leaving her was the only way. I couldn’t look into her sad eyes anymore and know that I was the cause of it. My stupidity. My ignorance. Her undying love for me. Me. A workaholic, poor excuse for a boyfriend. I was all the things that Marjorie said I was. I wasn’t worth Mia’s love.
It was after work and I was sitting at a table with my coworkers, Liza being one of them. Her chair sat close to mine. Too close.
Liza wasn’t my friend. She never had been my friend. She wanted me in Florida, so she pulled the necessary strings and got me here. She offered me mor
e money than any sane person could turn down to secure me. She’d waited until I’d been here long enough and made her move. When I’d told her that I loved Mia, she’d backed off, but still threw her little comments in as often as she could.
You and Mia will never work out.
She’s probably cheating on you.
She doesn’t understand the pressure of our jobs.
She’s too young for you.
I’d suffered her eye rolls when I took Mia’s calls. I’d endured her tight lipped scowls when I mentioned Mia’s name. I knew Liza did not like Mia, or more likely that I was dating Mia. Liza was used to getting what she wanted, and I knew she wanted me. All her life things had been easy for her and I was some prize she was dead set on winning.
I hadn’t told her that Mia and I broke up, because what I’d told Mia was true. I didn’t want Liza. Ever. But someone else had told her. Garrett most likely. For over two weeks she’d been trying to find ways to get us alone. Her coy smiles and soft eyes continued to drift in my direction as the conversation around the table continued. I hadn’t spoken more than two words since I sat down and no one seemed to notice or care.
I’d taken this over Mia.
I’d chosen this stupid life over Mia.
I was selfish. The worst kind of selfish, because I didn’t even realize when I was being a selfish asshole. I took this job, and yes, I’d hoped Mia would come with me. When she didn’t, I deflated, but I admired her. Mia knew who she was and what she wanted out of life. She refused to use me, to let me support her. To Mia, doing that on her own was important.
Then I’d been selfish again, broken up with her to ease my own guilt. I loved Mia with all that I was. There was no denying that. I’d never loved a single person more than I loved her. She was my future and I only ever wanted her.
For years my soul had been seeking hers, a woman who understood, who loved, who strived to see me, who was kind and gentle and sweet.
The truth is, the first time I saw Mia, I knew I was done for. The realization had scared me. Maybe I’d been pushing her away ever since. Too afraid to let another person in. Too ashamed at what they might see—a man, so miserable with his own life that he hid behind a desk all day.
But I hadn’t been miserable when Mia was around. I’d been happy. Truly happy.
What was she doing now? Was she hurting as bad as I was? Or had she moved on?
Since I’d left her apartment, she hadn’t even tried to call me. I didn’t know if I should be grateful for that. I knew with 100% clarity that if she’d called me, if she’d asked me to take it back, I would have. My resolve would have crumbled.
It’s better this way.
At least now she had a chance. A chance to be with someone worthy of her love.
Suddenly I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t sit and listen to these stupid conversations. All I could think about was how different it would be if Mia were here. Her big, bright eyes looking across the table at me. Her gorgeous hair flowing over her shoulders. Her smile lingering on my face.
What had I done?
“I have to go,” I said, abruptly standing.
“But your food hasn’t even arrived,” Liza said. “Stay.” She reached out and grabbed my wrist, attempting to pull me back into my seat.
“No, Liza,” I said, giving her a pointed look, then whispered so only she could hear, “The answer will always be no.”
Her eyebrows drew in, trying to determine my meaning. I didn’t stay to find out if she figured it out. Liza’s whiny voice trailed me out of the restaurant, and my name falling from her lips left me feeling uncomfortable, like my skin was sticky.
I couldn’t do this anymore. I was throwing my life away, ruining my happiness, making all the same mistakes over and over and this time it was costing something that actually mattered. It was costing me Mia.
The moonlight bled into the darkened alley, lighting up the graffiti on the walls. I felt close to Mia here. The colors. The women’s faces.
The cold concrete permeated my pants and I let the chill fill me. My eyes watered and everything felt hopeless. Was I a coward?
I was.
I must have sat on that concrete for over an hour, dwelling on all that I’d lost, all that would never ever be mine because of my fear.
The shrill ring of my phone made me jump and I reached into my pocket pulling it out. Lucas Burns flashed on the screen and my panic went through the roof. Lucas had never called me, ever. If he was, something must have happened. Mia must be in trouble.
“Lucas,” I answered. “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
“Huh? Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I–I don’t know. Is Mia all right? Is she in trouble? I can be there by the morning.” Already I was standing, walking to my car.
“No man. Mia’s fine. That’s not why I’m calling.”
“Oh.” A mix of emotions went through me. Relief knowing that Mia was safe, but also sadness. Mia was fine, as if she was going about her life, no worries, no tears. It’s what you wanted, dipshit. Suck it up and take it.
“Listen though, I’ve got a surprise coming up and I know it would mean a lot to Marlowe if you were there. You can’t tell her about it though. I don’t want her to suspect anything. I’m kind of setting it up as a celebration for opening my second store.”
“Oh. Okay. When is it?”
“This weekend. I know it’s short notice, but I made up my mind and I’m doing it now. No more waiting.”
“Awfully cryptic,” I said, but thought it over. It was Monday and I didn’t have any plans for the upcoming weekend. I could make it. “Yeah, I can be there.”
“Awesome. And, uh, just so you know, Mia will be there, too.”
My chest constricted. Of course she would be. I’d get to see her again. Would it be the last time?
“I, uh, I…”
Lucas ignored my stuttering. “She’s doing real good, man. Interviewed for a job in Oregon and they offered it to her. She’s moving in a few weeks. It’s funny though, a museum over in Florida offered a position too, but she turned it down. What are the chances? A month after you two break up and she gets the opportunity to go over there. Bad timing I guess. It’s a shame it didn’t come sooner.”
“Yeah.” I could feel my throat tightening, pulling in my emotions. I was a fucking idiot. The biggest idiot on the planet.
“So I guess the question is,” Lucas continued, “what are you gonna do about it?”
I knew what I was going to do. I knew what I had to do. Mia was pulling me back to her.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
THE WEATHER WAS WARM, a hot breeze blowing my hair. Marlowe and Lucas’s backyard was crowded with more people than I could count.
Lucas was celebrating the opening of his second store and I was proud of my brother. He’d followed his heart, let it lead him. I wondered if one day he would be proud of me too.
I hoped so.
Oregon was on the horizon.
I’d had my phone interview and, later, another via Skype. I hadn’t been nervous. I’d been confident, calm, collected. They’d loved me. Without ever visiting the town, I was taking a giant leap of faith, believing that it would be a good fit for me. My parents were a mess—especially my father. Every time I saw him he was barely able to keep his eyes from misting. He was standing in the corner of the yard, unable to look at me without sniffling.
I only had two more weeks here.
Most of my belongings were boxed. Some things I was leaving behind in storage. I was doing it. I was following my dreams. Setting out on my own. The prospect was both liberating and terrifying.
At my brother’s home, I attempted to push those nervous thoughts aside, but it was all anyone wanted to talk about. Needing some space, I left a group and found Nicole standing alone in the corner of the yard. She was playing on her phone and barely looked up when I approached.
“Hey,” I said and wondered if Fontenot had talked to her. Since our par
ting in his driveway, I hadn’t heard a single thing about him. He’d just disappeared.
“Hey,” she said. “This totally blows. I mean, why does Lucas care if I’m at a party for his new store?”
I chuckled. “I don’t know. Something tells me this is more than that though. He was so mysterious explaining it all.”
Nicole sighed. “Whatever. I’m just ready to get out of here. I’ve got places to be.”
“Where?” I prodded, wondering if it involved Fontenot.
Her eyes cut to mine and she smiled. “I really don’t. Just like to complain. But, hey, I heard you’re moving to Oregon. That’s awesome. In a few months I plan on taking this road trip across the U.S. Alone.” Nicole huffed. “No one else can go with me. Lacey is all married and shit. Marlowe is all up Lucas’s ass.” She sighed. “What happened to all my friends?”
“What about Fontenot? Couldn’t he go with you?”
Nicole’s head snapped in my direction. I was pushing it.
“Fontenot? Why would I take Fontenot? What do you know? Have you talked to him?”
I shook my head. “No, no. Not in a while. I just…I…I mean the last time we talked he had some really nice things to say about you. I thought that maybe...”
Nicole’s eyes narrowed. “Fontenot doesn’t care about anyone but Fontenot. He’s fun for a few days, but that’s it.”
She was so wrong. Fontenot did care about something. Her.
I shrugged. “I don’t know. We dated a long time ago. I’ll admit that he has issues, but I think that if someone new came along, someone willing to put in the time and show him that they cared, he could be really great. And I know that Fontenot really cares about you.”
Nicole rolled her eyes and I laughed. “All right. I’ll stop pushing Fontenot on you.”
Needing to refill my drink, I headed towards the house with one last look over my shoulder. Nicole was biting her fingernail, smiling.
Mia Found (Starting Fires Book 3) Page 26