by Joey Bush
By the time my mom and Bob got back in for a late lunch, I thought to myself that maybe—just maybe—I would be able to pull it off. I put on the best smile I could and pretended like my skin didn’t crawl with shame whenever I saw Jaxon looking at me.
CHAPTER 5
In spite of what I told Jaxon about us staying apart, going our separate ways and ignoring each other as much as we could, he seemed determined to put himself in my way. He never repeated his attempt to come to my room, but wherever I went, it seemed, there he was. I was torn between being intrigued and being frustrated, and being angry with him for persisting.
I went to the gym to try and get in a workout; even if it was a holiday, I needed something to do, and building up my muscles seemed as good a way to occupy my time as anything. It was better than sitting in my room all day watching TV—and less suspicious. But when I went to the gym, Jaxon came in right behind me. I would have yelled at him, but I hesitated when I thought of the fact that someone might hear. And then he started to work out so normally that I thought it must have just been a coincidence. He didn’t make a move to corner me, but I couldn’t work out as well as I normally do; I was distracted, watching him from the corners of my eyes. He was doing exercises that would make him better on the board—balancing exercises, building up his legs. “You should work on your upper body too,” I said, calling across the personal gym, the words leaving me seemingly of their own will.
“I work my upper body on different days,” Jaxon called back. I shrugged.
“You don’t work it as hard as you do your lower body, but you need upper body for cross-coordination.” I shifted over to a rowing machine and put my earbuds in, proceeding to ignore him for the rest of the time I was working out.
I decided to go for a swim to keep my muscles from tightening up, and by the time I made it to the pool from my bedroom, Jaxon was there too—already swimming slow, cool-down laps. I was frustrated, but there was nothing I could really do about it; it was more his house than mine. I dove in and did my own laps, freestyle, butterfly, moving from one end of the pool to the other mindlessly until I was exhausted. I climbed out and went into my room to clean up for dinner.
I couldn’t expect Jaxon not to be there, and it was a little bit easier to deal with his presence with my mom and Bob at the table too—though it was harder at the same time, in a different way. I was constantly distracted by him, not quite able to pay attention to my mom’s and Bob’s stories as they talked about their day. I wanted to be happy for them, but I could feel the tension winding up inside of me with every moment that I had to spend with him. Something would happen, I knew it would. Why would Jaxon keep putting himself in my way if he didn’t want anything to happen?
I went outside after dinner and wandered around the grounds, pretending to take a keen interest in the winter-dormant gardens. Jaxon showed up there, too, saying he wanted to take a quick after-dinner walk around the property, make sure nothing was getting damaged in the cold weather. I wanted to tell him off. Instead I made an excuse and got away from him. I was becoming more and more frustrated by the moment. Every time Jaxon showed up he wouldn’t make any overt move to make me talk, or to try and do anything to me or with me—he just happened to be wherever I was, whenever I was there, doing his own thing. Once or twice I considered asking him just what he thought he was doing—but I couldn’t make myself do it.
Mom and Bob went to bed and I tried not to think about the fact that they were almost certainly having sex. The thought of my mom having sex with the father of a guy I’d hooked up with was kind of revolting. But it wasn’t her fault, I told myself over and over again. She had no idea. I went back to my room, where I knew Jaxon wouldn’t bother me. I hated having to hole up there, but it was the one place where I could count on my new step-brother to leave me alone—at least for now. I didn’t know how long it would be until he made another attempt to knock on my door, get me to talk to him. I didn’t even want to think about what we’d done, much less talk about it.
It got closer to midnight and I was hungry, and bored. I could only entertain myself for so long, watching qualifiers for different extreme sports competitions; I wanted to be out on the slopes, practicing, perfecting my tricks. But it was too late—even I knew better than to hit the mountain in the middle of the night. I decided I’d go into the kitchen and make some popcorn, maybe come back and see if any of my friends from the frat were online, bored half to death at their own parents’ houses. I peered out through the bedroom door, looking up and down to make sure that no one was around, least of all Jaxon.
I padded out to the kitchen and started the popcorn. As if on cue, I heard a rustle behind me; turning around, I saw Jaxon. “Oh, come on!” I said, barely keeping my voice down. “Is there some kind of camera following me around?” Jaxon grinned, coming closer to me—but still giving me a little bit of space.
“I know the house like the back of my hand. And hey—I’m kind of bored. It’s not hard to know where you’d go.” I crossed my arms, listening for the pop-pop-pop pop pop-pop-pop of the popcorn in the microwave.
“Okay. So why are you stalking me?” I had been avoiding him—moving away whenever he happened to run into me. But I had to know what he was doing. I had to know what was on his mind, why he kept showing up wherever I went. It was like before we’d had sex together, which terrified me. I didn’t want to even consider the possibility of having sex with him again. It would be too weird. It would be absolutely insane—our parents would freak out, they’d probably disown us. Jaxon moved just a little bit closer to me.
“I just wanted to talk to you,” he said, keeping his voice low. “I wanted to apologize.” Jaxon was only inches away from me. The popcorn popping began to slow down. I stopped the microwave and snatched the paper bag out of it.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. My heart was beating faster.
“Mia, we have to talk. Can’t you at least give me a chance to talk to you about this?” Jaxon’s hand moved out, barely avoiding touching my body, moving to my hip. I danced out of his reach, gripping the popcorn in my hand as tightly as possible.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said quickly, my mouth going dry. “Nothing at all.” I shook my head. “We don’t need to talk about anything.” I hurried out of the kitchen and across the den, down the hall and to my bedroom.
I got online and looked for anyone I could talk to. I didn’t want to talk about Jaxon, or about the stupid situation. Just wanted to distract myself from everything going on. I managed to find one of the Phi Kappa brothers and talked to him about the game from the night before; I’d missed it but I’d caught the highlights. What are you up to? I thought about it. The guy I was talking to knew Jaxon. He was a sophomore; he wasn’t super close, but it was in the frat.
Just boring family stuff, I wrote. I ate my popcorn and tried to forget about the fact that Jaxon was in the same house, that he was only down the hall from me. I threw away the empty bag and turned off the TV, signing out of the chat and curling up in my bed. I would only be there a few days more. I would be able to stay away from Jaxon and we could maybe—possibly—go back to normal once we both went back to the college. As long as we could stay away from one another, it wouldn’t be difficult to pretend like we’d never had anything to do with each other. If I could just stay away from him.
CHAPTER 6
The next morning, I woke up early and decided that the only way to get my mind settled would be a session on the slopes. I couldn’t trust Jaxon to leave me alone in the pool. I couldn’t trust him to leave me alone if I went for a walk. The only way I could maybe avoid him would be to get out onto the mountain before anyone else was around. I needed time to myself, I needed space and air and the cold of the snow to think.
I put on my warm clothes and pulled out my gear, checking to make sure that everything was as it should be. I smiled to myself. Time alone, out on the mountain, cutting up the slopes—nothing could possibly
be better. My stomach was growling a little bit; I decided to go out to the kitchen and grab a quick breakfast, maybe some coffee and something I could take with me out onto the mountain for a snack later in the day. Hopefully I had gotten up early enough that no one else was around. I walked across the living room, still looking around. Jaxon was nowhere to be seen. That was a good sign. I would get into the kitchen, maybe find a thermos for coffee or hot chocolate, and grab something to eat before I went out.
When I stepped into the kitchen, though, my plan began to dissolve. My mom was drinking a cup of coffee, leaning against the countertop, smiling to herself. “Oh hey, Mom,” I said, hoping I could get away with my plan. “Smells good.” Mom gave me a quick hug.
“You’re up early,” she pointed out. I shrugged.
“Went to bed kind of early.” It wasn’t true—I hadn’t shut everything down in my room until a little after one, and it was only about seven in the morning. But I was eager to get out of the house, eager to get away from my troubles at least for a little while.
“What are you up to today?” I poured myself a cup of coffee and snagged one of the imported strawberries Mom was eating out of a basket. They were still dripping from the rinse she had given them.
“Thought I’d go out on the mountain,” I said, taking a bite of the strawberry. “I’d love to get some time on the slopes. Get some practice in.” Mom made a face.
“You can’t go out on your own,” she told me. “You don’t know these mountains, and besides, it’s dangerous to go out by yourself—you know that.” I did.
“Well…I’m sure there’ll be other people skiing and boarding,” I pointed out. “It’s a great day out for it.”
“Not good enough,” Mom said firmly. “You need someone who’s actually looking out for you. Bob and I can come with you.” I frowned. I didn’t want to have to deal with my mom and her new husband. They’d probably invite Jaxon and I’d have to spend all day pretending to be okay with him, and like I didn’t know him. It would all unravel.
“Mom, come on,” I said with a groan. “I’m not a kid anymore. I can take care of myself on the slopes, there are plenty of rangers and other people out, I’m not going to go off into the woods or anything, and I’ll stick to the normal trails.” Just when my mom would have argued harder, Jaxon came in. I wanted to scream.
“That looks like great coffee,” he said mildly. I moved away, letting him grab a cup of what Mom had brewed. “What’s going on?” he glanced from me to my mom.
“I wanted to go out boarding, but Mom won’t let me go alone,” I said. If I had to talk to Jaxon, at least let him be on my side.
“Bob and I would be happy to go with you, sweetie—and we’re not going to cramp your style, just keep an eye on you while we ski.”
“Mom, there are plenty of people out there. I’m not going to disappear!” I hoped Jaxon would back me up. Instead, he did the one thing that could possibly make a bad situation worse.
“Oh, if you don’t want her going alone, I can totally hit the slopes with her, show her around, and keep an eye out.” I wanted to groan. I wanted to scream with frustration. But I had to keep my face neutral. The stubborn look left Mom’s face immediately and she smiled.
“That would be perfect, Jaxon, you are such a sweetheart to think of it.” Jaxon shrugged, glancing at me for just a moment.
“I’ve been looking forward to hitting the slopes myself. Be good to have a buddy.” I felt sick to my stomach. Suddenly I didn’t even want breakfast anymore, much less the coffee I had in my hands.
“Eat something nourishing before you go,” my mom said, grinning at Jaxon and me. “As long as you two are out having fun together, Bob and I can hang out inside by the fire. Keep your phones on you; call us if you need anything.” Mom practically danced out of the room, ready to go screw her new husband’s brains out.
For a moment, I almost decided not to go. The very last thing I wanted was to have to spend all day with Jaxon, avoiding talking to him. I just wanted to practice, to go down the mountain over and over again until I was so exhausted I couldn’t even think. But of course, that wasn’t an option. If I wanted to get some time out of the house, I’d have to take his company. “We are not going to talk about anything,” I told Jaxon firmly. He shrugged.
“We’ll just hit the slopes and make sure neither of us breaks a leg,” he said, holding his hands out in a peace-keeping gesture. “Fine by me. I need practice anyway, before competitions start up.”
“Fine.” I reached into the open pantry and got out a container of oatmeal. My stomach was grumbling and roiling with a mixture of hunger and disappointment and nausea. I knew I had to eat—but I had the definite feeling that whatever I did eat was just going to end up painting the slopes later in the day.
CHAPTER 7
I decided that it wasn’t worth the disappointment of not getting in my slope time to avoid Jaxon, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I got my gear after breakfast and met Jaxon at the entry of the mansion. The place was only a couple of miles away from the trails; Jaxon grabbed my stuff from me and loaded it onto the back of a snow mobile and we set off for the mountain. “Have you ever been out this way?” Jaxon asked me. I shrugged.
“Not really,” I said. I didn’t really want to talk to him. “Look, let’s just…pretend like the other one isn’t here at all.”
“How are we going to do that and still look out for each other?” Jaxon called over his shoulder.
“We’re not.” Jaxon stopped the snowmobile. He turned in the seat and looked at me.
“If you’re not willing to at least let me look out for you—and look out for me in return—then we’re not going. I’ll turn around and you can hang out with Dad and your Mom.” I sighed.
“Okay, fine.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “But like I said before—this isn’t… we’re not going to talk to each other about anything.” Jaxon looked at me for a long moment before nodding and starting up the snowmobile again.
We made it to the trails and I finally began to relax. I trekked up to the top of the slope, not even waiting for Jaxon; I decided privately that I would mostly ignore him, just get through some runs, have a good time, and get the whole situation out of my head. I took it easy the first time down the trail, jumping the ramps as low as possible, getting a feel for the conditions and the features. It wasn’t the same as the practice track, it was a little slower, but it was satisfying to get out on the snow again. I started to smile, even after I ate powder over-shooting my stop at the end of the trail. Behind me, Jaxon laughed.
“Too eager to show off, aren’t you?” he called out, skidding around to a stop at the base of the trail. I rolled my eyes.
“I wasn’t even showing off!” I got back up and got my feet off the board. “I’m going to do it right this time.” Jaxon nodded, smiling—the way he had before things had gotten so weird between us, when we were in practices together. We started going down the trails together, and I found myself getting more and more into it. It was a relief; it was so good to get past all of the weirdness, to just go back to the way things had been before Jaxon and I slept together, before he shut me out and starting ignoring me.
Jaxon seemed to be enjoying himself just as much as I was; we teased each other about lame tricks, we cheered each other on to land the newer jumps and grabs we’d both been working on. At one point we got into a snowball fight, pelting each other with powder we gathered up on a run down the trail. Jaxon took me over to where the people who owned the trails had built a half-pipe specifically for snowboarders and we worked it hard. Just like he did when we’d been in practice before things got weird, Jaxon gave me tips, advice, critiqued me as if he respected my skills as a boarder. We didn’t even stop for lunch; Jaxon brought food with us, and we ate out on the mountain, scarfing down ham-and-cheese pastries and guzzling thermoses hot chocolate with protein powder added to it before we hit it again.
“I’m going to be so sore tomorrow,” I said, sha
king my head as we went up another time. “You don’t have the number of a good masseuse, do you?” It felt weird, but good—talking to him the way I always had before. Every time he smiled my stomach got butterflies, every time he looked at me I could feel myself warming up. I knew I should keep my guard up and maintain a distance, but I couldn’t make myself do it. Jaxon tweaked one of the braids I’d put my hair into to keep it out of my face and I smacked him; he shoved me over into the snow when we were walking to the chair lift and I pulled him down with me, nearly yanking down his pants in the process. It was the kind of thing brothers and sisters did, but it didn’t feel brotherly or sisterly—and even though I was scared out of my mind, I couldn’t make myself stop doing it, or ignore him when he did something. Once we were both back with our parents, we’d have to stop—I knew that, and Jaxon had to have known it too. If we acted this way around them, they’d know for sure that we hadn’t met for the first time a day and a half before. We were too close, knew each other too well.
I was getting all wrapped up in Jaxon just like I’d let myself get before—getting turned on by him, almost. I couldn’t help noticing how good he looked, couldn’t help the tingles I got every time he was close to me, or looked at me. It was stupid and crazy, but I was letting myself fall for it, letting myself get the same stupid feelings of interest that I’d had before he shut me out and started snubbing me. It was too easy to let myself fall for his easy charm, to respond to his little flirting comments, to want to do more. I had to stop myself from dragging him over to me and kissing him over and over again. He’d never make a move on me—it was too risky, even out on the mountain on our own—but I wanted him to. I knew I’d have to do everything I could once we were back among other people to pretend like I wasn’t the least bit interested in him, but even while we flirted and taunted each other, I also knew that I couldn’t wait for the holiday to be over. I wanted nothing more than to be away from him—away before I couldn’t make myself stop, couldn’t fight the feelings that were brewing in me any longer.