“Her loyalty hurt more than anything else. I earned it, and then I lost it.”
“Yeah…but you could have lied.”
I wasn’t the lying type. “Not my style.”
“It almost seems like you wanted her to know.”
I dragged my hand down my face, grateful the migraine I had earlier finally disappeared. Every illness could be cured with a quality glass of scotch. “Yeah…I think I did too.” I wanted her to catch me, to understand how much I needed what she wouldn’t give me. I thought she would finally give me what I wanted when she knew she would lose me.
But that didn’t happen.
“You want Ruin back?” Jackson asked.
“I gave it to you, Jackson. The place is yours.”
“Come on, we both know I do a piss-poor job. I’m not cut out for it.”
Jackson had always slacked off when we were growing up. He never had the patience to sit and listen to instruction. I was never a big fan of school either, but his concentration was worse than mine. “Give it time.”
“No, man. I want you to take it back. I miss fucking around all the time. I hate sitting in the office, away from the festivities.”
“You’re being serious?” Hope surged in my heart because I knew I wanted it. I missed being in the dark with the rest of the devils. It was where I belonged. In fact, I belonged in hell.
“Absolutely. Come in and sign the papers.”
“You’re sure?” Running Ruin would get my mind off the brunette who stole my heart. I needed anything to distract me right now—anything at all.
“Yes,” he said with a sigh. “Stop making me repeat myself. I miss getting paid to do nothing. It was a lot easier back then.”
I wanted to laugh, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Alright. You convinced me.”
“Awesome. I’m behind on bills and everything else…so you have that to look forward to.”
I rolled my eyes, still surprised by Jackson’s inadequacy. “You can pay most of that shit online.”
“But I always forget the password…”
“You can’t just not pay bills,” I argued. “That’s how businesses go under.”
“I know, I know. That’s why you need to get back in here.”
“Apparently.” I grabbed the large bottle and brought it back to my lips, taking a large drink that I would probably regret later.
“So…now what?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re just going to go back to what you were before?”
The idea sounded so unappealing. I wanted to be a Dom again, but I didn’t want another sub besides Rome. I would never feel that exquisite passion again. I would never come so hard my heart nearly gave out.
I would never feel alive again.
But at least I would be in control. “Eventually. Right now, I just need some time.”
“Well, I’m here if you need anything.”
“I know, Jackson.” Jackson was an ass most of the time, but I couldn’t recall a time when he wasn’t there for me. No matter what tension existed between us, we put it aside when it came to each other’s well-being. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Alright. You know I’m just a phone call away.”
“Yeah, I know.” I hung up and tossed the phone on the table. The screen was lit up for a few seconds before it turned black again. I hadn’t changed my wallpaper yet because it was too difficult. It still had a picture of Rome sleeping on my chest, her hair a mess from where I’d fisted it just minutes previously. I should take the photo off because it was painful to look at. It reminded me of the fact that I would never sleep well again as long as I lived—not without her.
But I still couldn’t do it.
And I had a feeling I never would.
I finally went back to work the following week. I knew I couldn’t avoid Rome forever, and I had to get it over with. Perhaps seeing her on a regular basis would make me less affected by her.
But I doubted it.
I stayed in my office and concentrated on work as much as possible. If I stopped, even for a second, my mind returned back to the fiery brunette on the other side of the building. And since I wasn’t drunk, it was even more difficult for me to keep steady with my emotions.
Was she as devastated?
That was a stupid question. Of course, she was. She didn’t have any time to prepare for the heartbreaking end to our relationship. At least I knew the end was coming before it finally arrived.
Because I was an ass.
I tried to finish a report, but I kept thinking about her, missing the way her body felt underneath my fingertips. I tried sleeping last night, but that didn’t get me anywhere. I just lay in bed the entire night. When I did fall asleep, I had a nightmare about losing her.
But then I realized that wasn’t a dream.
Unable to stop myself, I called Christopher.
He was probably at work, but he worked in his own office so he usually answered the phone. I hoped he would because I really need to speak to him.
When he answered, his voice was emotionless. It wasn’t clear whether he hated me or didn’t give a damn about me at all. “How can I help you?”
I wasn’t naïve enough to expect a different reaction from him. “You know why I’m calling.”
Christopher sighed into the phone before the sound of typing entered the background. He was probably sitting at his desk, finishing up an email. “She’s a complete mess. But you already knew that, Calloway.”
“For what it’s worth, I’m just as fucked up.”
“No offense, but I don’t really care how you feel. Whatever my personal opinion is on the matter, I’m on her side. You broke her heart, and that’s all I need to know.”
I was glad he was loyal to her. That was exactly how family should be. “Is she eating? Sleeping?”
“No. And no.”
I’d hoped this conversation would make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse.
“It’s gonna be a while before she’s back on her feet. She’s a strong woman, but I’ve never seen her struggle like this before. Last time, she put on a good front. This time, she’s not even bothering.”
I fucking hated myself.
“What’s the deal with Hank? Do I need to get a gun?”
I was relieved to say I wasn’t worried about that asshole. “No. I have guys tailing him wherever he goes. If he comes with a mile radius of Rome, they’ll let me know. If I can’t get there in time, they’ve been instructed to intervene.”
Christopher sighed in relief. “Well, that’s something to be grateful for. Now I can shut my door at night.”
I turned in my chair and looked out the window, noting how dark the sky looked now that Rome wasn’t mine anymore. The sky wasn’t any different, blue as ever, but to me, it was just a blanket of gray. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way. Honestly.”
“I know you love her,” he said quietly. “I can tell.”
“Thanks…” That meant a lot to me that he recognized my sincerity. I’d never doubted my feelings for Rome, just my restraint.
“I tried to explain your actions to her, but it didn’t make a difference.”
“What do you mean?”
“Basically, that all people have certain needs, and it’s not outrageous for them to leave if they don’t get what they want. I told her I would never be with a woman who was against blow jobs. Blow jobs aren’t the center of my universe, but could I really settle down with a woman who refused to give me one once in a while? No. I know it’s not the same thing, but I tried to get my point across to her. She didn’t take the bait.”
I stared at the black ring that still sat on my right hand. I didn’t have the strength to take it off. My heart was still committed to that woman. “She didn’t understand either?”
“No. She’s not gonna change her mind about the whole thing. Sorry.”
I appreciated him trying. And I appreciated him being so understanding.
“Thanks for saying something.”
“I hate seeing her hurt like this. But I think she’s being a little unreasonable. I know she’s been through a lot. No one knows that better than I do. But it’s in the past, and we need to move forward. If she really gave it a chance, I think she would understand it’s not abusive. But she’s a stubborn woman…as you know.”
Just as stubborn as I was. “I miss her.” I didn’t know what possessed me to say that. When I felt the emotion, I just admitted it out loud. Right now, I had nothing else to lose. It didn’t matter if Christopher thought less of me for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of me.
“She misses you too.”
I rested the back of my head against the leather chair and closed my eyes, trying to fight off the crippling sensation that just swept through me. “Keep me posted, okay?”
“Sure, man. Take care.”
It felt like I was saying goodbye to him too. In the past year of my relationship with Rome, Christopher had become a friend. In fact, he seemed like more than just a friend—more like family. Being his brother-in-law actually sounded appealing. Since that was an impossible future, I pushed the thought out of my head. “You too.” I hung up and let the phone fall to my lap, my eyes still closed like that would somehow protect me.
But nothing would protect me.
I walked to the elevator at the end of the day and was relieved I didn’t see Rome once. She was nowhere in sight now, so I didn’t have to suffer through an awkward elevator ride down to the bottom floor.
But just when I reached the elevator, Rome appeared from the right, having taken a different route to the elevator.
Fuck.
She stopped when she spotted me, obviously just as disappointed at seeing me as I was at seeing her. Her face looked pale like she’d lost most of her blood. That sexy fire wasn’t in her eyes anymore. Anytime she looked at me, there had always been a hint of desire. But now she stared at me like I was the grim reaper.
Despite her sickly appearance, I immediately got hard.
It was the first boner I’d had in over a week.
My fascination with this woman would never die, clearly.
The doors to the elevator opened, and I stuck my arm inside. “I’ll catch the next one.” I couldn’t stand inside that elevator with her. I couldn’t make small talk about work or the weather. It was too soon to be normal, to act like a typical boss with one of his employees.
She didn’t think twice before she walked into the elevator, her bag tight over her shoulder.
I pulled my arm back and returned my hands to my pockets, waiting for the doors to shut. I knew I shouldn’t look at her, but the temptation became too much. I lifted my gaze and met hers, looking into the green eyes that I used to stare at when we made love. A sense of longing overcame me, and I desperately wanted to hold her.
When she’d left me, I didn’t get to hug her. I didn’t get to kiss her goodbye. I had to keep my hands to myself and watch her walk out of my life. Now I had to do it again as I waited for the doors to shut.
She held my gaze, the heartbreak obvious in her eyes. Instead of being angry with me like she should, she was only devastated. When the doors finally began to close, she looked away, unable to see the intensity in my eyes.
I never thought I would be so grateful to have a solid barrier between us.
But I was utterly relieved.
“The Humanitarian Gala is next Saturday. Should I tell the senator you’ll be attending?” My assistant placed my messages on my desk then stared at me with expectation.
My mind drifted away, thinking about that beautiful creature with the green eyes. “Sorry, Cynthia. What did you say?”
“The Humanitarian Gala is next week. You’ve been nominated as Humanitarian of the year. This is the fourth time you’ve won it. That’s so exciting.” Her curly black hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, and gold hoops hung from her lobes. She set a few packets on my desk and organized them by priority. “Shall I tell the office it’s mandatory they intend?”
Rome won that award last year for her small company. I remember sitting at the table when she joined me. We spoke for nearly an hour before I took her home and kissed her on the doorstep.
It seemed like a lifetime ago now.
“Yes, tell the staff they’re expected to attend.”
“Of course, Mr. Owens.” Cynthia walked out and left me alone with my thoughts.
It had officially been a year since I made Rome mine. Instead of celebrating our time together, we were living separate lives. The last time I saw her, she got into the elevator and didn’t say a word to me. She looked just as devastated as the day she walked out on me.
I’d give anything to go back in time and relive that happiness.
When I thought about the gala next Saturday, I realized I had a huge problem on my hands.
Hank.
He would definitely be there. And when he realized I was no longer in the picture, he would strike.
No doubt about it.
Shit.
I had men tailing Hank wherever he went so he couldn’t touch Rome again. But I really didn’t want to give him the impression that she was unguarded. If he made a move, it would only scare her. She put on a brave face for me when she was scared, but I’d seen her become vulnerable and honest.
She was terrified of him.
And she knew I was the only thing saving her.
That would mean I’d have to talk to Rome about it, to get her to agree to be my date for the evening. We’d have to pretend we were still together, put on a show for anyone who was watching—especially Hank.
But would she go for it?
The act would be difficult for both of us. It would be difficult for me to touch her without taking it further. It would be hard for me to walk away from her when she was so close to me.
It would break us all over again.
But I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t let Hank know she was an easy target. But I didn’t want us to get close to one another if we were both trying to move on. Either way, I lost. I could live with letting Rome go, but I couldn’t live with knowing something terrible might happen to her.
So I made my decision.
I stared at my phone for another minute before I finally grabbed it and called her. I’d been drinking all night so I wasn’t at my finest, but I would make do. I held the phone to my ear and listened to it ring over and over, waiting for her beautiful voice to answer.
But it continued to ring.
Maybe she wouldn’t answer at all.
Finally, the click sounded as she picked up. Instead of answering with a spoken word, she announced her presence with her silence. Her light breathing could barely be heard, distant and far away.
My words died in my throat because I just wanted to listen to her. If I closed my eyes, it seemed like she was right beside me. I could picture us lying together in my bed, our bodies tangled together after a good session of lovemaking.
“You told me you wouldn’t bother me.”
Acid formed in my stomach, making me feel sick. I wasn’t sure what I expected her to say, but that wasn’t it. The hopefulness inside me imagined her telling me that she missed me, that she still loved me.
Not that I deserved that affection. “I know. That’s not why I’m calling.”
“Oh…”
“That Humanitarian Gala is next week. I’m getting an award, so I have to be there. I suspect Hank will be there too.”
Her breathing increased, blowing into the phone.
“I think we should give him the impression we’re still together. If he suspects we’re broken up, he might come after you again. I’ve got guys tailing him, so don’t worry. But I’d rather not give him any hope that he can get to you.”
She was still quiet, her breathing exactly the same.
“Sweetheart?” I cringed the second I uttered the endearment, knowing I should only call her by her fi
rst name from now on.
“Yeah, I think that would be best.”
I knew she wanted to reject my offer because being close to me would be difficult. But her fear for her safety was still paramount. I suspected she had trouble sleeping not just from our breakup, but because I wasn’t around to protect her anymore. “Okay. I’ll pick you up an hour before.”
“Okay.” She didn’t say another word.
I listened to the silence and knew it was time to hang up. I wouldn’t talk to her again for another week. It would be seven days of pure loneliness.
“Calloway?”
I missed hearing her say my name. “Yes?”
“Are you… Never mind. Good night.”
I didn’t just want to know what she was going to ask. I needed to know every thought that passed through that pretty little head of hers. “Ask me whatever you want, Rome.”
“I’m not sure if I want to know the answer.”
That could only mean one thing. “I haven’t been with anyone, Rome. I won’t be with anyone for a very long time. You don’t need to worry about that.” I might find a new sub to whip, but I certainly wouldn’t touch anyone sexually. The idea of fucking someone wasn’t the least bit arousing.
“I can’t picture myself with anyone but you…”
I shouldn’t love hearing those words, but I did. They made my chest relax. “Neither can I.”
10
Rome
As time went on, life didn’t get easier.
I still hardly slept at night, unable to handle ice-cold sheets now that Calloway’s body wasn’t there to keep them warm. His rhythmic heartbeat used to soothe me like a lullaby. His strong arms were always around my body, keeping all the demons away.
Including Hank.
I didn’t think Hank was a problem anymore because it seemed like Calloway truly scared him off. But Calloway was right. Without him around, Hank would probably find the courage to pursue me again.
As much as I hated to admit it, I was scared.
One of my biggest fears was getting raped, a fear all women must have. I didn’t think Hank would ever kill me, but being used like that was just as bad, if you asked me. And now I was faced with the reality that I truly relied on Calloway for a lot of things, not just my happiness.
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