Full Moon

by Rachel Hawthorne

  “You told me that you didn’t notice me until this summer,” I reminded him.

  “The strong feelings I have for you didn’t hit me until this summer, but I’ve always noticed you. When the full moon comes, and you’re with Connor, think about what you could have had,” he said.

  Then he kissed me deeply and thoroughly. I knew I should have protested, should have pushed him away. Instead I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, knowing this would be the last kiss we’d ever share. I wanted it to last forever, even though I knew it couldn’t.

  When he drew back, I felt what I always did with Rafe: confused. Maybe I should do what Brittany suggested, I thought. Just go through the transformation by myself and decide later who should be my mate. But then I remembered what Kayla had said about how wonderful it was to go through it with someone you cared for, someone you loved.

  “Good-bye, Rafe,” I said quietly and walked away from him.

  He didn’t try to stop me. And I thought that probably said it all.

  Because I knew deep down that Connor would have tried to stop me from walking away.

  SEVENTEEN

  “Your dad and I will be here when you get back,” my mom said as she hugged me tightly. “You won’t regret your decision,” she whispered near my ear.

  I really could have gone my entire life without that comment. It started to raise those stupid doubts again that Connor was her choice and not mine.

  Dad embraced me. “My little girl.” Then he shook Connor’s hand, and Mom hugged Connor.

  When Connor and I were finally walking through the woods, I said, “Glad that’s over.”

  “They’re just worried about you. How are your wounds?”

  “Not bad.” I was limping a little and my shoulder ached, but I’d heal during the transformation. I was feeling much stronger, but neither Connor nor I were pushing ourselves to our hiking limits.

  We were traveling quietly, remaining alert. Every now and then, he would hand his backpack and clothes to me, shift while I closed my eyes, and search a wide circle around us. Although his senses were heightened as a human, as a wolf they were even more so.

  That night, we took turns keeping watch. The second night a deer approached our camp—it was the only stranger we encountered.

  In the afternoon, we arrived at our destination. We climbed the escarpment and followed a winding trail into the small valley that was enclosed by two mountains. On one side of the clearing was the waterfall. On the other was a forest that swept back and up to the other mountain. This was a well-hidden place, not easily found unless someone knew the way. We weren’t concerned that Mason and his group would find us. They had no reason to look for us here.

  And in just a few hours, after the full moon rose in the night sky, I’d have the ability to shift and escape just as quickly as Connor could.

  Connor took my hand and led me around the pond to where the waterfall emptied with a mighty rush of cascading water. It was noisy here, and as we grew nearer the water’s power created a gust that blew my braids around my shoulders. We slipped behind the waterfall into a cavern.

  This was my favorite of all the lairs. Food and essentials were stacked in crates. Connor turned on a battery-powered light. Shrugging out of my backpack, I walked around finding comfort here. It seemed there were a thousand things that Connor and I should say to each other, but we’d barely talked at all as we traveled.

  I thought about Brittany and wondered where she’d gone to experience her first transformation. I wondered if she was afraid to be alone. I didn’t think I’d be scared, exactly, but I’d definitely be nervous.

  “What are you thinking?” Connor asked.

  “About Brittany. She’s going to go through this alone.” I glanced around. “Do you think she’ll be okay? Should she have come with us? Could you have helped her, too?”

  “I don’t think we can bond with two people.”

  My stomach knotted up. I knew I was supposed to be concentrating on my own transformation, my own needs, but something about Brittany was bothering me. I was really worried about her. I wondered if Rafe might be with her, then selfishly wished he wouldn’t. If he can’t be mine, I thought, I don’t want him to bond with anyone. And that made me a cold bitch. What if I’d made a mistake choosing Connor? I didn’t believe I had, but suddenly there was this niggling concern…probably just nerves as the moon’s arrival approached.

  “Here’s everything that we’ll need,” Connor said, removing a large crate from the stack. He opened it.

  As I walked over, he removed a black robe and then handed me a beautiful silvery-white robe. It looked like something fairy queens always wore in the movies.

  “Makes it easier for us to shift. We’re not encumbered with clothes,” he said.

  “I’d heard about that,” I said, taking the robe. It was soft and silky; how nice it would feel against my skin.

  “We have a few hours yet. What do you want to do?” he asked.

  “I’m really tired. Could I take a nap?”

  “We probably both should. Tonight will be…draining.”

  I watched as he arranged sleeping bags and quilts to create a soft place for us to sleep. We were only going to sleep, and yet I felt nervous about it. My skin suddenly felt incredibly sensitive, as though I could actually feel dust motes landing on it. I knew it was probably my body preparing for the upcoming transformation, but it was a strange sensation, and I imagined Connor holding me, his hands skimming over my back or along my face. I thought I’d be able to feel every groove of his fingertips.

  “What do you like best about being in your wolf form?” I blurted, wondering why I was suddenly so skittish. This was Connor. My mate. My destiny. Hadn’t we been together forever?

  He stopped what he was doing. Still crouching, he rested his forearms on his knees and looked up at me. “I like the way everything seems more alive. Sounds are sharper; colors are brighter. I can hear my own heart thundering. It’s a trip—probably like tripping, in a way. Not that I’d know.”

  “You’ve never done drugs?”

  “No. Why would I? Why would any of us when we can shift? That’s an indescribable rush of its own.”

  “Do you ever lose sight of who you are?”

  “No. You still think human thoughts; they just tend to have a slightly savage edge to them. In human form, if I were attacked, I’d think about beating the guy up. In wolf form, I’d probably think about killing him. It’s all about survival when we’re in animal form.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling self-conscious about the thought of sleeping in Connor’s arms, which was silly because I’d slept in his arms before. “I never talked about this with my parents.”

  “Me, either.” He patted the quilts. “Come on. You look like you’re about to drop dead.”

  I stretched out on the padding and he lay down beside me, letting me use his shoulder as a pillow.

  “I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin,” I told him.

  “It’s just your body preparing for the transformation.”

  “Does it feel this…sensitive all the time?”

  “Yeah, but you get used to it.”

  I couldn’t imagine, but I trusted Connor.

  “Will you wake me at sunset?” I asked. “I want some time to prepare.”

  “Yeah.”

  My eyelids grew heavy and my muscles began to relax into that never-want-to-move-again phase that comes just before sleep. Drowsily, I asked, “Connor, should I be afraid?”

  His arms tightened around me. “No, Lindsey.”

  I drifted off to sleep and dreamed that when I awoke, I was a beautiful wolf.

  Connor kept his promise and woke me shortly after the sun had set. The next time it rose, I would be changed. Anticipation thrummed through me as I ate the simple meal of rations that were supposedly also served on space shuttles. We packed our lairs as though we were survivalists, including food items with far-off expiration dates. Who knew
when we’d need them or how long we’d have to hide out?

  Connor had set a flashlight between us, its light pointing upward, and draped a gauzy blue scarf over it. I didn’t know where he got the scarf but it muted the light, giving it a little bit of a romantic glow.

  “I know blue is your favorite color,” he said.

  It was. He knew everything about me.

  “Maybe we’ll go out to a fancy restaurant later this week, to finally celebrate your birthday,” he said.

  I thought back to Rafe offering to take me out to dinner, but then I pushed the memory back down where it belonged.

  “Remember when our moms made us take those etiquette lessons?”

  He grinned. “Yeah.”

  I’d been twelve at the time; he’d been fourteen. They’d thought we needed to know which forks to eat with if we went to a fancy dinner at someone’s house.

  “And you kept burping,” I reminded him.

  “Hey! It wasn’t just me. You were the one who suggested we burp ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’”

  I laughed, remembering how we’d both gotten into trouble for not taking the lesson seriously.

  “I mean, really, why does a formal dinner need so much silverware?” I asked.

  “Beats me. I’m pretty much living on pizza at college, so what does it matter?”

  “I miss you when you’re at school,” I said.

  “I miss you, too. One more year.”

  “I might graduate early, maybe December.”

  “Really? That’d be great.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it would be.” And I was just babbling about nothing now, trying to get my stomach to relax.

  Connor picked up our trash. “I’m going outside. Just meet me there when you’re ready.”

  I watched as he grabbed the black robe. When he was gone, I sat with my legs crossed and did some deep breathing exercises. I flexed my muscles, did some stretching, and listened as my joints popped. Then I rose to my feet and began to prepare myself.

  I fought not to think about Rafe, to wonder what he might be doing tonight.

  Connor was my destiny.

  I unbraided my hair and brushed it until it shone to a white gloss, like taffy I’d once seen beaten to a shine. I left it loose and fought not to think about Rafe asking me to do just that. I smoothed some shimmery body lotion over my arms and legs, thinking it would both settle me in my human skin and help my body stretch.

  I looked at my reflection in the mirror. All I wore was a white velvet robe. In some ways I looked older; in some ways I looked the same. The same would be true of me when I shifted.

  I turned from the mirror and walked to the entrance of the cavern, slipped out from beneath the curtain of water, and circled the still pool that would soon reflect the rising moon.

  Connor stood there, waiting for me, his dark-blond hair brushed back, his sapphire-blue eyes calm. He wore a black robe. He held out his hand to me, and I placed my palm against his. His fingers, so sure and steady, closed around mine.

  “Nervous, Lindsey?” he asked.

  “Yeah, a little.” I released a self-conscious puff of breath. “I’ve been waiting for this moment my whole life.”

  “Me, too.”

  “But you’ve already transformed.”

  “Not with you.”

  Leaning in, he brushed his lips over mine. My heart stuttered, and I fought not to think about Rafe. Connor is my friend. I care about him….

  “We should go,” I said, before my thoughts traveled down a path that would lead to disaster.

  Holding my hand, he led me to the middle of the clearing. I could see the full moon: so large, so bright, so yellow. My transformation wouldn’t begin until it reached its zenith.

  Connor and I faced each other, waiting for the moment. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart.

  Then I heard the growl—low, deep, and challenging.

  Connor and I both turned our attention to the forest. Near the trees, a lone black wolf snarled. I would have recognized those chocolate-brown eyes anywhere.

  “Don’t do this, Rafe,” Connor commanded sternly.

  The wolf crouched and bared his teeth. A dare. A challenge.

  Connor looked back at me. “Which one of us do you want to win?”

  He hesitated only a heartbeat before he threw off his robe and ran toward the wolf. Then Connor leaped up and, in the blink of an eye, transformed into a golden wolf. The black wolf lunged at him. They collided in midair: light and dark.

  I watched in horror, knowing what Connor had really asked me: Which one of us do you want to die?

  We are human, but we are also beast, and in our world a challenge isn’t made lightly. A challenge is a fight to the death.

  I knelt in the grass and felt the tears washing down my face. I hadn’t been able to give Connor an answer. The battle that had been raging in my heart all summer had transcended into one of flesh and blood.

  Tonight, beneath a full moon, someone I loved would die.

  EIGHTEEN

  They clashed, they snarled, they bared their teeth. They weren’t kidding here. They were both alpha males trying to claim their mate. At that moment I hated what we were, hated that we could be reduced to wild animals governed by instinct instead of by our hearts and minds.

  “Don’t do this!” I yelled, but they ignored me.

  This was worse than the fight they’d had in the cave. I’d sustain more than a black eye if I tried to get between them. I was likely to end up with a gaping hole in my throat.

  They broke apart and then came back together, growling and snapping their jaws. Shifters are larger and stronger than the wolves in the wild. Connor and Rafe were well matched, and they weren’t afraid to fight, to tear at each other.

  I pushed myself to my feet. I had to stop this madness. I’d loved Connor forever and loved Rafe just a short time. Which was more important: the length of time or the intensity of emotion?

  They separated, and the golden wolf slowly circled the black wolf. Rafe seemed to be hurt. When we are bitten by one of our kind, the wound we receive doesn’t heal as quickly as those delivered by other animals. Something in our saliva stops the healing process that usually occurs when we’re injured while in wolf form. I wondered what Mason might do with that information. If you had no vulnerabilities, you could never be destroyed. We, however, could be destroyed.

  Judging by how heavily Rafe was breathing, how still he was, how he was sizing up Connor and waiting…I knew he’d been hurt. In the moonlight, I could see a dark dampness on his fur. It flowed from near his throat, the most vulnerable part of his wolf form. If Connor had nicked Rafe’s carotid artery, though, he’d have bled out already. That hadn’t happened, but it looked like he’d gotten him good anyway.

  I knew Connor, had seen him fight, knew he could be lethal. I knew he had the habit of sizing up his opponent and determining his weakness—and then he’d strike. He suddenly became still, put his weight back on his haunches, and I knew he was going to go for the kill….

  I also knew that Connor’s primal instincts had taken over. He always worked so hard to control them, to be more human than beast, to be civilized. When Connor emerged from his barbaric haze, if Rafe was dead, Connor would never forgive himself. I suspected that if Rafe came out the victor, he would live with regrets over killing Connor. I also knew that regardless of who died, I would always blame myself because I hadn’t been strong enough to make my choice before it was too late.

  “No!” I screamed as I ran for them.

  The moonlight washed over me and pain shot through my body. It was more intense than I had ever expected. I doubled over and fell to my knees.

  Connor launched himself at Rafe.

  Rafe lunged for him in return. I heard the clash of bone and flesh. I struggled to my feet and staggered toward them. I felt as though my bones had turned into shards of glass.

  I had to do this. I had to reach them. Since the beginning of summer I�
�d begun to have doubts. I’d shared my doubts with them and made them each feel less than who they were. This wasn’t their battle to fight. It was mine.

  I thought about the joy I felt when I was with Rafe. I thought about how I always wanted him to touch me, how desperately I wanted to touch him. I remembered how he’d admitted hungering for me. That desire for him lived inside me, too, terrifying me with its intensity. I’d been afraid to give in to it, to embrace it. I’d feared that it was temporary.

  But I knew now that it was the call of my mate, the lure of my destiny. If I didn’t accept and fight for it now, I would lose it forever.

  Rafe and Connor were rolling over the ground, snarling and snapping at each other. Two feral beasts, exhibiting nature at its most untamed—but inside there was still that spark of human that separated us from the true wolves. I was counting on that now.

  I dropped to my knees and cried, “I choose Rafe! With all that I am and all that I will be, I choose Rafe as my mate.”

  They both stilled at once. I looked into the brown eyes of the one who, in only a short time, I’d come to love more than anything. In those brown depths, I didn’t see victory or satisfaction. I saw instead a love so deep, so powerful, that if I hadn’t already been on my knees I would have fallen to them.

  I shifted my gaze to the eyes of blue. I saw hurt pride there—but no deep loss, no true devastation.

  “I’m sorry, Connor,” I said softly. Pain ripped through me and I bit back a scream. “I wanted it to be you. You’ve been with me for every important moment in my life—but this moment belongs to Rafe. I love him so much that it scares me. You were the easier choice, but the wrong one.”

  The black wolf pulled away from the blond one and moved beyond my vision. The blond wolf slowly rolled over to his feet. With a last look in my direction, he loped off into the forest.

  Agony poured through me like molten fire. I doubled over, refusing to scream.

  Suddenly, Rafe was kneeling beside me, the robe wrapped around him, his hands grasping my arms. “Lindsey, do you accept me as your mate?”