Together Apart

by Natalie K. Martin

  It was nice to see her again. Considering she lives in London too, she’s hardly ever here. She’s always flying off here and there, and when we do meet, I just want to keep her close. I know I let my paranoia take over sometimes. I let myself believe that I’m her dirty little secret, but I know it’s not like that. She offered to lend me some money to pay for the rent until the lease is up, so I can move out, and it’s tempting, but there’s really not much point. We won’t be here much longer, and besides, I’m not ready to wrench myself away from Adam just yet. The thought of moving out is like a punch in the gut.

  We spoke about other things, of course. Mum’s doing fine, still with bloody Peter. I know I’m going to have to haul myself up there soon. It’s not fair on Mum to visit so rarely, and I really miss her. And Sheffield. I never thought I’d ever say that.

  Heavy rain lashed against the window, waking Adam with a start, and goose bumps spread across his skin. He lifted his head and looked down at himself. He was lying on top of the duvet with only a towel wrapped around his waist and Sarah’s diary still in his hand. He yawned and picked up his mobile, squinting at the screen. It was two thirty in the morning, and everything was silent except for what sounded like a fox raiding a bin farther down the road. He got up, pulled on a T-shirt and boxers and headed to the kitchen.

  He’d dreamt about Sarah, and as he set about making himself a hot chocolate, a frown spread across his face. All he could see were faint images of her face that slipped out of his reach before he could remember anything else. He rarely remembered his dreams, but he really wanted to remember this one.

  He looked down into the cup, took a sip and grimaced. What he’d wanted was sweet, thick hot chocolate, but instead he’d ended up with something that looked like dirty dishwater. When Sarah made it, it would be creamy and frothy, and she’d usually put a couple of marshmallows on top for good measure. He’d forgotten about that.

  He made his way back to bed, thinking about the little things she used to do. Sometimes, she would leave little notes tucked into the pocket of his suit jacket. They were never sonnets or profound declarations of undying love, but they were always sweet, often contained a joke and always managed to put a smile on his face, regardless of how badly his day was going.

  Did she ever leave random notes for Richard to find? Did she ever make him a mix tape of her favourite songs? She’d chosen him to be the one she gave her virginity to, which was clearly a big deal for her. More than it had been for him. He’d lost his to a girl called Charlotte when he was seventeen. They’d been at a house party and ended up in one of the bedrooms on a bed full of coats. He’d always remember the rhythmic, chafing noise as his leg rubbed against someone’s jacket while he was on top of her.

  It was selfish and irrational, but he hoped Sarah hadn’t made those little gestures of love to Richard. He’d rather think that they were something special and unique – something she’d only done for him.

  2 December 1998, 11.30 a.m.

  Today is the day. It’s actually happening! Omigod! I am so excited! I hardly even slept last night because I was so nervous, and today is going so sloooooooooow. Physics is beyond boring, but at least I get to write in my diary and daydream about Richard without anyone interrupting me. I just hope no one sees me sneaking off. I haven’t told anyone about this, not even Hannah. I want to keep it to myself. This is one of the most important days of my life so far. I just hope it’s everything I’m dreaming of.

  2 December 1998, 5.30 p.m.

  That’s it! I’m not a virgin anymore. I did it. I actually did it. It was really nice. Painful, but nice. It felt weird when he met me at the bus stop. We both knew what was going to happen, but we didn’t talk about it. It was a bit awkward, and I kept wondering if maybe he’d changed his mind, but when I went into his room, it was obvious he’d prepared. He didn’t light any candles or anything lame like that, but his room was super clean, and he’d put new sheets on the bed. He put a CD on, and we sat on the bed for what felt like forever as I waited for him to do something. I was too scared to make the first move.

  He was so sweet and took things really slowly. He didn’t rush me or make me feel like I was stupid for not knowing what to do. It hurt at first. A lot. In fact, I kind of wanted him to stop as soon as he’d started, but he said it would get better. I mean, it wasn’t like it is in films, with both of us being really into it or anything, but he says it’ll get better over time. I wanted to ask how he knew that for sure, but I don’t want to know how many other girls he’s slept with. I’m certain he slept with Rachel, but I don’t want to know about anyone else.

  Even though it hurt and I didn’t know what I was doing, I wouldn’t change it. Having his naked body against mine . . . just amazing. And what was great was that I didn’t feel insecure about my body, not even once. We cuddled and talked afterwards. I can’t even really remember what we spoke about. I was in a bubble of happiness. All I could think was how right it all felt. It was everything I’ve ever dreamt of, and I know how lucky I am to have lost my virginity to my boyfriend, who I love. I bet not many girls get to say that.

  So, I’m really sore now, but I can’t stop smiling. I’m like a deranged clown. Even Peter’s ranting as I strolled in an hour late didn’t bother me. His moaning just bounced off me like an echo.

  3 December 1998

  I told Claire about yesterday. I hadn’t planned to, but it was a secret that felt too big to keep. I mean, hello, it’s huge news! I had to tell someone, and even though we don’t always get on that well, she is my twin. She was so shocked, especially because we’ve only been together a little while. She hasn’t done it yet, so she wanted to know everything. I didn’t leave anything out, and her eyes got wider and wider with every word I said. They got so big, they almost took over her entire face – they were like saucers!

  It was really nice to speak to her like that. We hardly ever talk about anything properly. She’s always out with her friends, and I’m always in town with mine. It reminded me of how things used to be, and I think, more than anything, she likes that I’m standing up to Peter. I always thought she just didn’t care that he’s waded his way into our family and is trying to take over. I told her I was going to do what I wanted from now on, no matter what Peter says, and the look on her face was priceless. I don’t think she thought I had it in me.

  4 December 1998

  I nearly told Richard I love him today! I chickened out, though. I think he feels the same way, but I know I’d just get my words all mixed up and look like an idiot if he didn’t say anything back. I’m going to stay over at his house this weekend, and it can’t come quick enough!

  Adam put the diary down. He’d struggled to read about her first time. It was like he’d crossed a line somehow. It would have been different if she’d told him herself, but this was something she’d written for her eyes only. He felt like a voyeur.

  He remembered the anticipation he’d felt the first time he’d slept with Sarah. After a month of dating, he was crazy for her, but what surprised him was that he’d really wanted to take things slowly. No matter what anyone said, sex changed everything, and those first four weeks had been perfect. If things were going to change, he’d wanted them to change for the better. It had finally happened after a night out at a comedy show. The laughter was a definite aphrodisiac. Even now, just thinking about her throaty laugh made his groin stir.

  Images of her from that night floated in his mind – stills, frozen in time, like a photograph. Like how her hair tumbled around her shoulders when she’d released it from the ponytail it had been tied up in, and how her skin glistened with sweat, like it was covered with diamonds. He’d licked the soft skin under her breasts and kissed the delicate crease in the crook of her elbow. He’d stroked the silkiness of her inner thighs and traced the line of four tiny magpies tattooed on the side of her hip.

  He’d explored every inch of her, and it wasn�
�t just physical. He’d looked into her eyes and seen the very same emotions he was feeling reflected back at him – lust, love and even fear. There was no going back from that moment. That was when he knew he was hooked.

  Adam shook his head. The truth was, the idea of proposing to her had been lurking in the depths of his mind for weeks before he’d found the courage in Santorini. If he’d never found the nerve, everything would be how it used to be. He’d be in bed with Sarah, sleeping soundly after having almost-guaranteed Friday night sex, instead of sitting up at nearly three in the morning, reading her diary like a sad loner. But then again, he wouldn’t have found out about Claire – or the stepfather she hated so much. He wondered whether she’d have told him all this if he’d succeeded in getting her to talk or whether she’d have kept some of it to herself. After pressing for answers, he was starting to feel as though he were finally getting somewhere. It was just odd that it was coming from the pages of a diary rather than from Sarah herself. She’d probably be mortified if she knew. And that was another strange thing. The contrast between her then and now was so apparent. Sharing her experiences with Claire, going out of her way to lie to her parents, embracing her rebellious streak. Why had she changed? Why had she clammed up to the point where she never even spoke to her family, let alone talked about them?

  He flicked through the remaining pages of the diary. Undying love for Richard and sexual awakening seemed to be the overwhelming content behind Sarah’s neat, joined-up writing. He didn’t want to read it. He’d already stepped over a line when he’d opened the first page of her diaries. He didn’t need to know about the ins and outs of her sex life with Richard as well. There were some things he was better off not knowing.

  18.

  27 October

  Oh God. This cannot be happening. I feel sick. Like I could throw up and keep going until I puke myself to death. Someone please tell me what I’m supposed to do now? This is the worst thing that could possibly happen.

  A baby. Shit!

  So much for not writing it down in order not to jinx myself. I knew as soon as I told Claire that it would become real. That I’d have to do a test instead of simply pretending my period had forgotten to show up because I’ve been so stressed out. Maybe that’s why I told her, because we both know what happens when you let something like that brew until it’s too late. I just didn’t want to believe it could be true. Never mind that Adam and I are over or that I’m skint or that soon I won’t have anywhere to live. I just can’t do this. I can’t be pregnant. Not again.

  The stupid thing is that I don’t even have any symptoms. No morning sickness, no swollen boobs – nothing. And I know you don’t need to show symptoms for it to be true, but still. I don’t want to believe it. I can’t believe it. There can’t be a tiny mass of cells multiplying inside of me. There just can’t be.

  Pregnant. The test said it, as clear as day. None of this ‘one line for negative, two lines for positive’ crap. There’s no getting away from it – it literally spelled it out. P R E G N A N T. Like a slap in the face. I was waiting for the ‘not’ to pop up in the window, like it was some kind of sick joke. I was convinced it was faulty. It wasn’t. The second test in the pack showed the same result, and the other four tests I’ve taken since. And to make it even more messed up, Adam came home right after I’d taken the last one. I had to hide in the bathroom until the panic began to subside.

  I can’t cope with this. There’s just no way.

  What’s wrong with me? Why did my bloody stupid egg accept his over-eager sperm? I take the pill every single day, first thing in the morning. I never miss one. Ever. Sure, it’s only 99 per cent effective, but did I really have to end up in the 1 per cent? It’s not fair.

  I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I could be happy about having a baby with him, but I’m not. I’m scared stiff, and I don’t want this baby. I don’t deserve it. More than that, I’m doing it a favour. I know it sounds heartless, but it’s true. It’s taken years for me to feel even remotely normal again.

  I can’t go through all of that a second time.

  19.

  Adam looked at the diaries in the box. He’d only just scratched the surface, but he was determined to find out the secret Sarah had been hiding all this time. When he read her diaries, it was almost as if he could hear her voice, like she was sitting next to him, narrating them. He could picture her face, mirroring the emotions she wrote about. It was like he’d been living with a two-dimensional version of her, and now she was becoming a real, full person. Once she opened up, the Sarah he knew was quietly confident, but her fourteen-year-old self ? She had been completely different. He could almost feel her effervescence leaping from the page with every word he read. She was rebellious, wily and carefree. What had happened between then and now?

  It was a strange way to get to know your girlfriend, but it was a means to an end. He shook his head. Ex-girlfriend. Whatever. It didn’t matter. The anticipation he felt when he picked the diaries up in his hand – it was exactly the same as he’d felt when they first got together, when she’d walk up to him outside a Tube station or in a bar. He was getting to know her. He couldn’t stop now.

  18 December 1998

  Wow, I haven’t written anything for ages! I don’t know where the time’s gone. Well, actually I do. I’ve been spending it with Richard. We’re totally inseparable now, and we meet every day after school before going to his house. It’s a bloody pain in the arse because it takes forever to get there, but it’s so worth it. We have so much fun together, listening to music, talking and going for walks in the Peak District. I can’t believe that. Me, in hiking boots. But it’s really beautiful and romantic, and even though his parents are cool with me spending time there, it’s nice to be by ourselves.

  I can’t believe how lucky I am. You hear about girls who lose their virginity and then get dumped straight away. Not me. I’ve avoided all that, and I’m convinced it’s because I waited until he came along instead of settling for someone else. Richard makes me smile so much my face hurts. I’m deliriously happy, and he totally takes my mind off the crap going on at home.

  Peter is in a permanent rage with me. Still. I mean, really? Get over it already. I don’t care, anyway. I promised myself that I would start doing what I wanted, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. He tried grounding me again, but it hasn’t worked. I stay out after school, and I come home whenever I feel like it, whether I’m grounded or not. He took my keys off me about a week ago. I actually couldn’t believe Mum let him do that. She just let him snatch them off me. Whatever. I’m not bothered. I don’t need a key to get in. That’s what windows are for.

  I’ve started skipping the last lesson so I can take the bus into town because he’s started coming to school to pick me up. It’s great. He’s livid when I get home late at night because, for all the things he does to try and stop me from going out, I’ve found ways to outsmart him, and he clearly doesn’t like it – not one little bit.

  I don’t meet Richard at City Hall anymore. Peter figured out that it was where my friends hung out, and he started showing up there too, like a mental stalker. He just wouldn’t leave me alone. I think he’s got the message now, though. We had a huge argument yesterday because I stayed overnight at Richard’s without asking him first. I told Claire what I was doing, and she said she would tell Mum. She’s pissing me off by letting Peter do what he wants, but she’s still my mum. I didn’t want her to be worried about me. I’m not that irresponsible. Peter was just annoyed because I hadn’t told him. He’s a control freak. He has to be in charge of absolutely everything. He decides what we eat for dinner, what’s watched on the television, even who uses the bloody bathroom first in the mornings.

  I told him what I thought about him last night. I told him that he wasn’t my dad and never would be. I also said that I would never do anything he told me to, and as far as I was concerned, he didn’t exist. He
didn’t like that at all. He threatened to chuck me out, but for once, Mum stepped in. It’s the first time she’s ever stood up to him – at least in front of me.

  Things have also got much better with me and Claire. It’s crazy to think that just a few months ago, I couldn’t wait to have a room of my own. For ages, all I wanted was my own space and distance from her, but now I wish we still shared a room. We stay up late chatting and stuff. She’s slept in my bed a few times, and I’ve slept in hers. It’s funny. She’s always been here, but it’s only now that we’ve got our own rooms that I’ve realised how much I like having her around.

  24 December 1998

  Somehow, I don’t think tomorrow’s going to be a day to remember. There are no presents under the tree for me this year. Peter’s taking Mum to Israel next year for her Christmas gift. I think a part of me didn’t really believe that he was being serious when he suggested it, but it seems I was wrong. Claire opted out, and he didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go. He said it’s a treat and my ‘behaviour’ wasn’t deserving of a holiday. Big deal! I’d rather eat glass than go on some lame trip. Mum’s best friend is going to keep an eye on us. She only lives a couple of doors up. It’s just a shame I have to wait until next year for them to go!

  I can’t believe he would be so stupid, leaving two teenage girls on their own for a week. If he really thinks we’re going to just go to school and come home again every day, he’s in for a bloody shock. We’re going to have the party to end all parties. For once, we’ll be the cool ones. And it means I’ll be able to spend a whole week with Richard. How great is that? I know it’s ages away yet, but we’ll still be together; I know that for sure.