Beauty

by Patria L. Dunn (Patria Dunn-Rowe)

  My money was gone. All two thousands dollars had vanished into thin air…just like that. My entire body trembled in despair as I remembered Troy’s words. I couldn’t just go back and make more money, I had to lose weight first, and that just wasn’t going to happen. I needed that money.

  I thought about calling my mom and dad and asking them for a loan, and then I remembered that my mom and I were no longer on speaking terms. The harder I tried to think of a solution, the angrier I felt, the laughter coming from the hall snapping something deep inside me. The pills and coke I stuffed under my pillow, stomping my way back down the hall, looking for the source.

  Three workers turned to look at me as I slammed the door fully open, their laughter stopping immediately. I was too mad to be intimidated, and they knew what I was here for. The tall Mexican looking one pulled a hanging toothpick from his mouth, a gummy grin thrown in my direction as he spoke.

  “May we help?” he asked in broken English, his thumb hitting the switch on the vacuum cleaner so that silence settled in the space.

  “My money? You have it, and I want it back!” I spat out, my palm extended out to them.

  “Dinero…?” one of the other men questioned, confusion in his features as he looked to the tall Mexican.

  I waited while they spoke to each other in rapid Spanish, cursing the fact that I’d taken French all four years of high school. I didn’t understand a word that they said, but I took a step forward when the other two broke into grins as well.

  “Well…” I patted my foot impatiently. “Where’s my money?!” I was shouting now, and the three of them broke into laughter, turning their attention back to their work.

  “Can you fucking hear me?!” Do you fucking understand?!” I screamed, taking off my right shoe and hurling between the three of them.

  “Get out!” the tall Mexican growled, switching off his vacuum for the second time.

  “No…! Not without my money!” I shouted, charging at him with my shoulder down.

  He caught me as if I were a twig, spinning me around and propelling me back towards the door.

  “Crazy kid…” he spat, flicking on the vacuum once again. “I work hard. I no steal! EVER!” he roared, his attention back on the carpet.

  My shoulder suddenly ached where he’d grabbed me, but I still stuck my middle finger up at the two that were looking, tight smiles plastered on their faces.

  They were probably illegals. I could call the police and have them searched. The thought hit me and then faded just as quickly. What if they questioned me about the money? Where would a college girl get two thousand dollars? Why would I have it in my desk drawer hidden in an old gym bag instead of in the bank?

  I had no answers that would sound legit. My anger was so tangible now that I could taste it as I made my way back to my room, tears in my eyes once again. It wasn’t until the salty trickle of my own blood made its way down my throat that I realized I’d bitten my tongue during my tantrum. It felt good…transferring the pain to something I could control. But what was I going to do about the rest…?

  I had enough coke left for maybe two full lines…four hits if I took it slow. I’d done eight lines alone yesterday. My second day of Thermodynamics was coming up in the morning, and there was no way I was going to get through it without being at least a little high. I wasn’t sure when it had happened, but coke made everything clear for me. I could function on it, without it I felt like this… Just…miserable.

  Sitting down on my bed I counted out the remaining Adderall pills, leaving two out and replacing the other eight. The tiny bit of coke I had left, I put back, hoping that the pills would be enough to keep the edge off. If I could fall asleep now, and stay sleep until morning, I would have enough to get me through the class at least.

  It didn’t sound convincing…even to me, but I shut and locked my bedroom door anyway, placing the back of my desk chair under the knob so that no one could break in if they tried. I was suddenly paranoid.

  On the floor I lay spread eagle across from the mirror, my gaze set on the dull eyes staring back at me. The pills went down dry after a few hard swallows and I counted, waiting for my body to numb at least just a little. 99…98…97… My eyes closed and I continued counting in my head, breathing evenly in an effort to get my heart to slow. It was all in my imagination… I knew this, but it still didn’t feel like it. The longer I waited the faster I counted; starting over at one hundred and ending back up at one in what seemed like seconds.

  The jitters were so bad now, that I couldn’t keep my eyes closed, my face twisting with frustration and I sat up and looked at myself. A giant yellow blob faced me, my pretty sundress ruined with wrinkles from my day. I thought about the little nugget of coke waiting for me under my pillow, and my resolve steeled slightly. I would need it later… My eyes wandered and I caught sight of the box of razors stuffed between my closet and desk. It seemed like forever ago since I’d last used one.

  My fingers no longer trembled as I made the first cut along my thigh, deeper than any of the rest had been because I needed to feel the pain longer. My head started to numb as the sharp ache in my leg increased, the dizzying thoughts slowing until I focused only on the blood trickling down in between my thighs onto the worn carpeting. It was nothing like chasing the dragon, but it was a release I was used to. It still worked, and I cut again, slashing just as deep so that two thick red lines ran in sync. My heartbeat quickened, the pulse in my neck causing my veins to jump out against my skin. For a moment I concentrated on that instead, fantasizing on how it would feel to slice through one of those main arteries. Too much blood… I decided quickly, remembering the tub full of red just before I’d passed out that night.

  I was calmer, so that was something, but the jitters wouldn’t be held at bay for long. I needed sleep, and I probably needed food since I couldn’t remember when my last meal was, but I wanted neither. The imaginary burn in my throat reminded me of how close I was to having all my worries wrapped up in one beautiful little package and I cracked. Just like that.

  I was on my feet within seconds, my fingers moving methodically as I used the bloodied razor’s edge to cut the tiny nugget of coke I had left into two pieces. I couldn’t chop it fast enough, a large square post it rolled into a tube the second I was done.

  My body collapsed back on my bed with a loud thump, my weight shaking the springs underneath as I lay back already soaring. The ceiling spiraled and seemed to expand, making room for the happy glow I was sure was emanating from the dopey smile I had plastered on my face. I counted forward this time, marveling at how the numbers sounded as they bounced off my tongue. I’d never been good at accents, but my attempt at a Spanish one sent me into a fit of giggles as I mocked the cleaning crew men from earlier.

  “Stupid fucks!” I hissed and then giggled again, suddenly remembering that I had no money.

  Becca would have to front me. She knew what I was going through, and she seemed glad that I didn’t want to strip anymore. I’d start looking for a job tomorrow and pay her back within a couple weeks. Problem solved.

  Chapter 15*

  “What are you doing here?!”

  Becca’s voice startled me from my fitful sleep and I jerked awake, jumping back from the closeness of her face. She was leaning over me, concern in her light green eyes as she held away the jacket I’d covered my head with.

  “I didn’t want Jeremy to see me,” I croaked, pushing myself up onto stiff legs.

  “Oh my god! What happened to you?!” Becca exclaimed as I smoothed my dress down over my legs, hiding the cuts.

  “Shit! Must be my period…” I recovered quickly, trying to look embarrassed.

  “That’s a lot of blood…? Are you hurt? Is that why…?”

  “Becca no…seriously…remember I mentioned it was probably coming…? You got a tampon…?” I changed the subject fast, taking my jacket from her so that she could open the door.

  I watched as she reached up, feeling over the frame bef
ore ripping loose a square piece of duct tape.

  “That’s dangerous you know?” I asked as she pulled a silver key free from the sticky back and unlocked the door.

  “I forgot my purse. Was running late after I came back here to change,” she shrugged, slapping the key back up where it’d been.

  I followed her into the apartment, watching as she shed her thin jacket. Even after a full night of dancing she looked hot. Her long red hair lay stick straight, hanging perfectly down her back. Narrow hips switched side to side gracefully as she made her way over to a bar stool and removed the black stilettos she wore. She was still eyeing the streaks of dried blood on my leg and so I pointed to the bathroom, already heading in that direction.

  “Mind if I wash up here. I know I still owe you an outfit, but if you have a t-shirt or sweats big enough for me to fit…”

  “Yeah sure,” she nodded, peeling off the rest of her clothes right there in the living room.

  I fled as quickly as I could, hoping that she wouldn’t follow me into the bathroom naked. We’d agreed to be friends, but being around her undressed made me think of our night together all over again.

  I was already in the shower by the time I heard Becca enter and then leave again. A quick peek outside the curtain and I saw that she’d left a tank top and a pair of stretchy shorts on top of the toilet for me. Convincing her to lend me clothes hadn’t even been in the plan. I was more worried about the coke.

  I dried and dressed as fast as possible, making sure to open one of her tampons and flush it down the toilet. The wrapper I threw in the top of the trash can so she would see, and know that I hadn’t been lying. While she showered, I waited in the living room on the sofa, my eyes watching the safe she had on the TV stand instead of the actual TV. High, I would have probably given no thought to using the hidden key to take a little, just in case, but I wasn’t high any longer. My buzz was gone and I’d left my last line worth hidden under my pillow.

  When Becca returned I was all but drooling, my hands shaky once again.

  “So are you going to tell me what really happened to you tonight, and why you’re sitting outside my door at four in the morning?” she asked as she towel dried her hair, plopping down on the sofa next to me.

  Four in the morning…?! I’d slept for over eight hours in her hallway?!

  “I just got here,” I lied, biting my lower lip nervously. “My…my room was broken into…”

  “What?!”

  “Yeah…” I nodded, hoping that my expression was fearful enough to be believable. “I called campus security, but they were already long gone by the time they got there.”

  “Where were you?! Sleeping?! Oh my gosh Eve…”

  “No…I couldn’t sleep. Got thermo class in the morning…” I reminded her, trying not to jump right into the subject of coke. “I was in the shower. When I came back, my door was open. They took everything,” I whispered, real tears stinging my eyes now. “All the money I made last night, the pills I had left, even the coke…”

  “What the hell…” Becca murmured, watching me as I swiped at my eyes.

  “I can’t go back to The Sweet Spot until I lose some weight, and I can’t get through tomorrow without at least a little something. I was hoping…”

  “Wait…I don’t understand…”

  “Troy told me that a few customers complained about my weight. He told me not to come back until I lost a few pounds,” I let out on a frustrated sigh, my hands thrown up. “I don’t know what to do…”

  “You get money from your parents right…? That should be enough to cover…”

  “Coke…um…no…”

  Becca’s lips pressed together in a hard line and I held her gaze, hoping to show her that I was good for it.

  “I’ll pay you back, I swear,” I whispered, my eyes going nervously to the safe. “I mean…after I get through class tomorrow, I’m going to look for a job. There’s plenty of places on campus, and I could have it back within…a couple weeks at the max,” I argued even though she still wasn’t speaking.

  I hated the look she gave me. It was the same look my mother gave me when I filled my plate with a second helping. It was the same look June had given me every time she bumped into me coming from the shower. That look said: You know better! But she didn’t voice it. She cleared her throat instead, reaching for her wicker basket.

  “Like you said…I’m a dealer, and you didn’t seem like you wanted a friend last time…”

  “Becca…it wasn’t like that…”

  “No…maybe I overstepped my bounds. You’re a big girl Eve, so I’m going to give it to you big girl straight. I depend on every last dime that selling brings in. I can’t front you shit because I don’t have shit to front right now. I told you…summer is tight. Most of the students are away…and the big buyers just aren’t here right now.”

  I swallowed hard as she removed a box of brand new hypodermic needles from the basket, plucking one package free before replacing the rest. She talked as she made her way to the safe, taking out a smaller nugget than the eight ball I’d paid for the last time.

  “Anything worth shooting…you won’t have to heat. Remember that,” she murmured as she sat back down, pulling out the silver spoon she’d used last time.

  I watched as she dropped the tiny white rock on the spoon, pouring a little water on top of it from the water bottle sitting on the table. It dissolved almost instantly, nothing left, but a milky white liquid in its place. My breath held as she filled the needle to two CC’s, flicking it twice before setting it down on the table. I’d only seen flashes of something like this in the movies, but I was overly anxious, my bare arm extended into her lap before she asked. The rig took less than a few seconds under her skilled hands and the excitement became unbearable. I wanted it like twelve hours ago.

  “Snorting coke…that’s chasing…” Becca paused, a serious look on her face. “Shooting isn’t like that…the dragon catches you instead of the other way around. It’s a high that you won’t forget Eve. Better than weed, better than Addy, better than life itself if you’re not strong enough to resist… I’ve only tried it a few times myself…track marks just aren’t a good look if you know what I mean,” she tried for a smile, but it didn’t quite reach her lips.

  I wasn’t going to get track marks from just one stick. I wasn’t worried. My arm held steady and I kept her gaze until she backed down first, her pleas falling on death ears.

  She found a nice bulging vein just inside my bicep and I flinched as the tip of the needle broke skin, my body suddenly frozen in that reflex. The light from the lamp on the end table flared brilliant like the sun and I was suddenly enveloped in a thousand different shades of yellow, my eyelids fluttering so fast that I felt as if they would carry me away, straight through the ceiling. I could hear Becca speaking, but her words barely registered, my mind lost somewhere between exquisite and intoxicating.

  “Evelyn…?”

  I nodded.

  “You good…?”

  I nodded again.

  “You’ll have to pay for that and whatever else you want…”

  “I need more…” I whispered, my tongue so thick that I wasn’t sure if I got the words out or not.

  My head fell sideways and through my kaleidoscope vision I saw the screen of her cell phone flicker to life. At that moment I didn’t care if she was calling God, I never wanted to go back. I lay like that for what felt like hours, my fingers lifting and caressing my face and then the air just in front of it, wonderment filling me at how alike they felt. I heard the knock on the door, but it was impossible to swing my head around to see who entered.

  The high expanded, and I was suddenly levitating, my body suspended in mid air. Becca’s voice and another much lower one blended together, buzzing around my head and on my skin like a hundred mosquitos just dying to get a taste of my blood. My eyes swam open for a moment and then closed again, a handsome dark skinned face filling my view.

  I didn’t know
the man, but I loved the way he felt against my body. His thick arms were wrapped tightly around me and we floated together, down the hall and to a room I’d never been in. It was dark in here, my thousand shades of yellow suddenly gone. Just as my mouth opened to protest my high surged outwards from the center of my chest, rainbowing into hues of purple, blue and black. I couldn’t see him, but I could feel him…in my mouth, smacking against my lips, rubbing all over my face before entering me in one push.

  There was no fighting against his massive strength, but I didn’t want to. Once again I felt loved. Close enough to another human that my body was starting to absorb in on itself, melting a core I’d never known I had. Fat…I’d never felt anything like this, and I probably never would again.

  He took me and I let him, the gentle rocking motions of our bodies, lulling me into an oblivion so thick my body felt stuck in the spread eagle position I lay in. Sometime in the moments that followed I became aware of his body lifting from mine, warm stickiness pooling between my legs, and then the weight of something being pressed into my open palm.

  I didn’t bother to try and look. The fact that my sight was hindered had somehow heightened my senses and I could smell that it was money…a nice thick wad of it. Muffled voices once again…Becca and his…surrounding me, talking over me, and then silence.

  My eyes closed, but I didn’t sleep, I floated, my mind separate from my body, but still my own. They were my memories, but sweeter. They were my feelings, but deeper. And just when I thought it could carry me no further, it caught me, dragging me under until everything went numb.

  For once I felt absolutely nothing. And it made me happy.

  Chapter 16*

  Sometime a little after nine in the morning I awoke immediately realizing two things. One, I’d missed my thermo class again; and two, I’d let some guy fuck me for money. The proof had been in a little Ziploc bag - left just by my head—stuffed in alongside a note from Becca.