Something tripped inside her heart and she felt herself falling. “That’s so romantic,” she whispered. “Say it again.”
He dropped his hand and pulled back. “Shit. I didn’t mean to say that.”
She grabbed his hand. “No, no, no. It’s okay. I didn’t mind.”
“I can’t do this.” He extricated his hand from her grasp. “This can’t happen. There’s too much other stuff going on. For both of us.”
She took a deep breath. “Yeah, you’re right.” She sat back and tried to focus. Inner wraith, Paige, remember? “You’re totally right.” She stood up and walked over to Rafi and reached out with her hands, hovering just above his chest.
Jed frowned. “What are you doing?”
“Trying to distract myself from thinking about how badly I want you to kiss me by testing my Rivka abilities on your brother. I want to see whether I can find out how much time his soul has to give us an idea of— No way.”
He was on his feet in an instant, his fists clenched. “It’s bad, isn’t it?”
She grinned at him. “Well, first of all, I don’t know who told you that he’d died, but his soul is very much alive. He’s not dead, and he never was. If he dies from the shadow warrior this time, he’ll just go to the Afterlife. He’ll still be around for visits and Christmas dinner.”
Jed stared at her. “That’s impossible. He’s in the Afterlife now, and only dead people go to the Afterlife.”
Paige raised her brows. “Well, I’m kind of an expert on this sort of thing, and I’m sure he’s alive.”
“You’re sure? You’re really certain?” Jed grabbed her shoulders, his fingers digging in, his eyes beginning to blossom with hope, and she felt her own eyes get a little watery for him.
“Of course I’m sure.”
Jed scooped her up in a hug and nearly crushed her in his arms. “God, I can’t believe this.” He kissed her hard, then spun her around. “You’re my goddess—” He stopped suddenly, his brow furrowing. “Shit.”
“Shit?” She paused. “Ah . . . I get it. It’s back to him or me again, huh? If he’d died, then you’d have had no choice to make. But now . . .”
He cursed and sat back down, then grabbed her hips and pressed his face into her belly, cursing again.
She wrapped her arms around his head, holding him against her. “I’m not going to ask you to choose me over him because I’m not stupid. Plus, I wouldn’t be impressed if you chose me over your brother. Anyone who is lucky enough to have family should totally put them first.”
He lifted his head to frown at her, still gripping her hips. “You should ask me to put you first. You’re worth it. You shouldn’t accept being handed over to death.”
She smiled at the forcefulness of his words. “No, I’m not going to accept my death. I’m not going to allow you to turn me into a love-obsessed wraith. But I’m not going to ask you to make a choice between us. What choice would there be? He’s your brother. I’m someone who’s paying you to touch me. You should pick him.”
He inhaled deeply, then he pulled back, releasing her. “How are you going to fend off the wraith without my help?”
“Well, it would be a bit of a challenge.” She moved his leg to the side so she could sit on his lap. “But I don’t plan to do it alone. You’re still going to help me.”
He tried to shift her off his lap, but she held on. “Paige, I just said—”
“If I become a wraith, but don’t fall in love with you, which I won’t, then all three of us lose. So, we need to figure out another plan. A better option, you know?” She wrinkled her nose. “Some way for all of us to win.”
Jed sighed. “There’s no win-win here, Paige.” He met her gaze, and she was startled by the bleak resignation in his eyes. “I spent years trying to figure out another option, but there isn’t. I even tried to take Rafi out through the portal the way I brought you in, and the damn thing nearly killed us both. Junior’s got us, end of story. I’ve had to accept that to stay sane. Don’t try to feed me hope, Paige. I’m not going down that road again. I’m at a decent place now, one where I can get up in the morning and survive. My goal is to free Rafi from the shadow warrior and go back to the status quo.”
“Status quo being me turned into a wraith?” At his curse, she leaned forward until her face was in his personal space. “My life, my future, my soul are inextricably tangled with yours, and I’m not giving up. Therefore, you don’t have the right to abandon hope either, or to retreat into your little shell of status quo. Got it?”
As Paige stared at him expectantly, Jed felt something crack deep inside him, and suddenly he was filled with more pain than he’d felt in years. And something else . . . hope. He tried to block it, but it swelled through him, crashing down the barriers he’d worked so hard to erect.
Paige must have seen it on his face, because her face softened with sympathy and she patted his leg. “Hope is good.”
“Hope destroys.” God, he couldn’t go through this again. Couldn’t—
Paige grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. “Hope is a necessity of life. I want to live. I want to love. If you try to take my hope away from me, I will kick the daylights out of you, and then you will feel real pain for the first time in your life. Capiche?”
He stared into her bright blue eyes, and he wanted to believe her. For the first time in memory, he wanted to believe in something other than his own guilt for screwing up Rafi’s life, he wanted to think about something other than how many lives he’d ended. “I’ve tried everything—”
“Not me. You haven’t tried me.”
There was such certainty in her voice that Jed finally caved. A little. Enough to ask, “You have an idea?”
“Who put him in the Afterlife, even though he’s alive?”
Jed frowned. “It was a three-way deal that included the Council. They wanted me available to do jobs for them, so they offered a place for Rafi to stay.”
“Oh, yeah. The Council sucks. Totally crooked.” She brightened. “But Jerome’s on the Council now. Maybe he could do something.”
Jed frowned. “He’s leading the hunt for you. You need to stay away from him.”
She rolled her eyes. “If we don’t get Rafi freed, we’re screwed anyway, right? Besides, if we can get Jerome alone, we can handle him. It’s the Men in White that we need to avoid.” She tapped her chin with her fingers. “Oh, and Satan’s an expert at breaking Otherworld contracts. We could ask him when we go to hell later today.” She glanced at her watch, and realized they still had plenty of time to make it to hell before they went to Saving Grace to recruit an angel. Surely one of those leads would work out, wouldn’t they? She bit her lip and wondered if she was being naive, thinking she could really come out with a happy ending for herself, let alone Rafi and Jed. Both the scientist and the angel were a long shot, and Jerome was an incompetent who would probably let them down. . . .
“I haven’t tried the Council or Satan before.” True hope flickered in Jed’s eyes, and she knew she wouldn’t give up. For him. Because she wanted to see him believe. He deserved to believe.
“See? Hope springs eternal.” She cocked her head. “Does this mean you won’t try to turn me? You’re still on my side?”
He nodded. “For now. I can’t promise more than that.”
“Understood.” She snapped her fingers as she remembered. “Besides, with any luck, you only have to keep me sane until ten o’clock tonight when we find an angel to help me out. I don’t have time get one to fall in love with me. It’ll have to be lust.”
Jed scowled. “You’re going to have sex with an angel?”
“Well, yeah. Didn’t I explain that?” She was startled by his growl. He sounded like he’d started to go shadow, but his eyes were still bright.
“No,” he snapped. “But it sounds like a crappy idea.”
She grinned at his snarl. Was he jealous? She couldn’t keep the twinkle out of her voice as she patted his cheek. “Don’t sound
so judgmental. You were willing to become a bloodthirsty assassin to save your brother’s soul. Jumping in the sack with an angel to save mine seems to be a little less drastic.”
Jed scowled. “What if you save yourself and then we can’t figure out how to get out of my contract with Junior? Then what? Rafi’s screwed if I don’t turn you wraith.”
“Oh. I thought you were mad because you’re jealous. Bummer.” Not that she had time to be worrying about that anyway. “We’ll save Rafi,” she reassured him. “We have two entire days, and Junior’s an idiot. There has to be a way to beat him, and we’ll find it. So, don’t freak about tonight if I purify myself with an angel before we save Rafi, okay? I won’t abandon you.” She put her hand over her heart. “I’m yours ’til the end of time. Or until all this garbage blows up in our face. Whichever comes first.”
A tendon twitched in his neck. “I don’t want you having sex with an angel.”
She stared at him, hope flaring again at the cranky tone in his voice. “Why not? Why don’t you want some hunky angel to have his hands all over my body, to ride me to the highest levels of ecstasy?” She patted her breasts to add to the effect. “Why? Does that bother you?” Please let it bother you. I really want it to bother you.
He stared at her, and she held her breath. Waiting. Hoping?
Finally, he cursed. “Hell, who am I to say who you have sex with? Let’s go. We have a lot of shit to get through today.”
She sighed. “Would a little bit of optimism in your tone be too much to ask?” At his glare, she decided that maybe it would. “Fine. Be that way. Shadow warrior first, right? Then to hell for the money and to try to find the scientist.” She closed her eyes for a second and whispered a little prayer that she could find the info on the scientist, because she was still so skeptical about the angel thing.
Jed touched her arm and she opened her eyes, frowning when she realized how serious he looked. “What now?”
“If I have to choose, I’m going to choose Rafi. You know that, right? I don’t want you to be under some illusion that I’m anything other than what I am. I know I already said it, but I need to make sure you really understand it.”
She knew then, despite Jed’s damned soul and his murderous past, he was a man of honor, refusing to mislead her and protecting his brother. So she reached up and kissed him until he stopped frowning and started to kiss her back. His hands slipped around her waist and he pulled her up against him. She enjoyed it for a few minutes, then broke the kiss and smiled up at him. “And if it comes down to Rafi or myself, I’m going to choose myself.” At his frown, she kissed him again, then spun around and walked out of the room.
Dammit, but she really kind of hoped she didn’t have to make that choice.
Sixteen
Paige stopped at the edge of Rafi’s deck, frowning when she saw the burned-out footprints in the spotty lawn, leading back into the woods.
Jed came up behind her, and cupped the back of her neck with his hand. “You killed the grass when you were walking over it.”
“Apparently.” She sighed and hugged herself, suddenly cold. She hadn’t even noticed murdering each blade. “Damn. I’m brutal.” She couldn’t bring herself to kill one more thing. Not today. “I’m thinking that maybe you should carry me back to the portal we popped out of.”
His fingers continued to rub her neck. “And I’m thinking that maybe going back the way we came wouldn’t be smart.”
“Oooh . . . yeah. Forgot about that. Dicey moment, though the recovery was nice.” She leaned back ever so slightly, so her back brushed against his chest. “I love it when you touch me.”
His fingers stilled. And then he dropped his hand.
What? She was supposed to play coy and pretend she didn’t notice the magic his touch was weaving? Screw coy. She didn’t have time for coy. She folded her arms over her chest and tried not to sound too cranky. “Satan gave me a bracelet that I can use to take us to hell, and then we can pop right back out to the mortal world to visit the shadow warrior.”
He nodded. “Then we’ll go back to hell and take care of stuff there.”
She held out her hand. “If you can bear to touch me, then you need to grab on.”
He raised his brows. “Of course I can bear to touch you.”
“Then why’d you stop when I commented on it? I liked it, I thought it would be nice to tell you that, perhaps encouraging you to continue to touch me in that way. Was I wrong? Should I pretend I hate it so that you can pretend you aren’t doing something nice? Is that it? Because quite frankly, subtlety isn’t my forte and if that’s what our relationship is going to be based on, we’re going to run into problems.”
He stared at her for a minute, and then he sighed, brushing his fingers over her cheek. “I’m not used to you.”
She frowned. “Question avoidance.”
“Fine.” He set his hands on his hips and brought his face down to her level. “You want to know why I stopped touching you?”
“Yes, I do. Didn’t I make that clear?”
“I stopped because I like touching you, but I think I’m going to have to sacrifice you to save my brother.” His face got darker. “Which means I need to keep distance between us.”
She grinned. “That’s so cute.”
He frowned. “You aren’t mad? I just said I was going to sacrifice you.”
She gently tweaked his nose. “You already made that clear in the many pessimistic statements you’ve made. Why would I get mad about it now?” She grabbed his ears and pulled him even closer to her face. “I love that you like touching me. That made me feel good, and I really could use all the feel-good moments I can get right now, you know?” She let her lips hover over his mouth, not quite touching, even though every part of her was burning for the contact. To be held. To be hugged. To be kissed. “Do you like kissing me too?”
His face softened. “It’s against my nature to disclose that information to you.”
“So? Change your nature.” She kissed his nose. Then his jaw. Then brushed her lips gently over his. Then pulled back ever so slightly. “Well?”
His eyes were dark again. Deep purple, not black. “Yeah. I like kissing you.”
“Because you love me?” she teased.
“No. Neither of us is that stupid.”
“True.” She gripped his hair more tightly and tugged him down until their lips were almost touching, and she was pleased he made no effort to resist. “So, it must be lust?”
“Must be.” His voice was rough.
“Mmm . . .” She kissed him again, and a shiver of excitement raced through her when she felt the flicker of his tongue against her lips. “Kissing you makes me forget that my life kind of sucks right now. I need this kind of thing to remind me that life’s okay, you know?”
He deepened the kiss, and she sighed with delight and wrapped her body around his as tightly as she could without actually toppling over.
Then his hands sank into her butt and he pulled her against him, so she stopped bothering to keep her balance and just concentrated on the most delicious sensation of being kissed and touched. She opened herself and a rousing sensation of excitement crashed through her body. Her belly danced, her toes curled, and she had an almost unbearable urge to smash herself against Jed.
So she did, and he lifted her up and wrapped her legs around his waist, slipping his hands under her shirt and over the bare skin of her back. She felt his erection pressed against her and she shuddered.
“Lean back,” he whispered.
“I don’t take orders.”
He grinned. “Please.”
“Well, when you asked so nicely . . .” She leaned back and almost forgot to hold onto him when she felt his lips trail over her throat. “Holy cow. This rocks.”
He chuckled and lifted his head to look at her. “Kissing you is a unique experience.”
“It’s all good, right?”
“Yeah.” He kissed the tip of her nose, then helped her slid
e back down to the ground, right over a very firm and perky part of his anatomy.
Oh, so all good.
“How do you feel?” he asked. “Your wraith?”
She did a quick check, then nodded. “It’s snuggled up asleep in its cave like a good little bottom dweller digesting all the snacks you fed it. When it wakes up, I’m sure it’ll be another story, but for now, we’re good.”
He fingered her hair. “You let me know when it starts to wake up, okay?”
“Like there’s any chance you won’t notice.” She held out her hand. “Let’s go visit this shadow warrior and get on with things, shall we?”
He took her hand, and she faded them out of Rafi’s house.
Two fades and a taxicab ride later, Paige and Jed were running up the stairs of a very old building in Greenwich Village. Jed reached the door of an apartment on the sixth floor. It was already ajar, a musky scent and the sound of The Price Is Right emanating from inside. Jed was just raising his hand to knock on the door when his cell phone rang. He grimaced when he saw it was Junior. “Yeah?”
“Is she in love with you yet?”
He glanced at Paige, who gave him the thumbs-up, having apparently heard the question.
“She told me I needed a haircut and an updated wardrobe.”
“Excellent! She’s trying to control you. Love will soon follow. Keep me posted.”
“My pleasure.” Jed snapped his phone shut and rapped lightly on the door before Paige could give him grief about his haircut comment. “Hello?”
There was no reply, so he shoved the door open and stepped inside. The moment he entered the apartment, he felt a dark threat rise inside him. The territorial instincts of a shadow warrior.
“This place is way depressing,” Paige said.
Jed glanced around and realized she was right. The shades were down, the furniture was stained and ratty, and there was a layer of dust on everything. A few greasy pizza boxes were on the floor, and an empty two-liter bottle of soda was on its side.
There was a creak from behind them and Jed spun toward the sound as a huge man in old jeans, a faded gray T-shirt, and black boots opened an interior door and moved into the room. His shoulders were wide, his muscles taut, but his face was gaunt, his eyes were black pits in his face, and his skin was a mottled gray.
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