Major Karnage

by Gord Zajac

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  “That doesn’t exactly sound secure.”

  “Of course it isn’t. But they’re not going to go around fixing these things. There’s too many of ’em! It’s a lot cheaper to pass a law saying its illegal to even look at ’em funny. Justice, my ass.”

  “That’s idiotic.”

  “That’s the Dabney Corporation.”

  “Thanks for your help. You some kind of engineer or something?”

  “Nope. Just a Lineman from the old C&E.”

  “Communications and Electronics Branch?”

  “That’s the one.”

  “You’re a military man.”

  “Was. Corporal Russel J. Stumpton. Haven’t been military in over twenty years.”

  “That how you lost the hand?”

  Stumpton nodded wistfully, absently rubbing his stump. He shook it off. “But that was a long time ago. Now I’m just another veteran, like you.”

  “What do you mean ‘like me’?”

  “You’re Major Karnage, aren’t you?”

  Karnage eyed him suspiciously. “How do you know my name?”

  “Oh, come on, Major. Don’t look at me like that. Of course I know who you are. They said your name enough times when they brought you in here. Besides, even if they didn’t, I’d have figured it out for myself. Nobody’s talked about anything but you for a while now.”

  “They been talkin’ about me, have they?”

  “It’s all anyone’s been able to talk about for days. ‘Where is he? How do we get him? What do we do when we’ve got him? Do we even want to catch him?’ They prepared that cell especially for you, you know. It’s been quite a show.”

  “Sounds like you’ve been enjoying it.”

  “You’re damn right I have. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s not a lot to do for fun around here. I take my amusement where I can get it. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, that Riggs fella showed up and threw a monkey wrench into everything.”

  Karnage’s pulse quickened at the mention of the name. “What do you know about Riggs? What can you tell me about him?”

  “Not too much. Just what I’ve heard through the grapevine. Apparently he was brought in by the brass to take care of you personally.”

  Karnage scowled. “Oh he was, was he?”

  “He’s been talking up a storm about how easy you’ll be for him to take down. Apparently you’re nothing he can’t handle.”

  Karnage cracked his knuckles. “I look forward to proving him wrong.”

  “You’re going to have to get in line. Nobody here likes him much. Especially Sydney.”

  “Who’s Sydney?”

  “The former captain of this precinct. Sydney got pushed aside when they brought Riggs in. There aren’t many people here pleased about that, least of all Sydney.”

  A door opened in the distance. Karnage looked down the hall. Riggs came striding into the room. He smiled at Karnage. “Good. I’m glad to see that you’re—” Riggs’s eyes darted to the screen behind Karnage’s head. His features darkened and he turned to Stumpton. “Did you do this?”

  Stumpton’s eyes went wide. “How could I? I’m locked up.”

  “Disseminating information on circumventing systems security is a class five felony under the Dabney Intellectual Property Ordinance.”

  “You make one hell of a bureaucrat, Roach.”

  Riggs winced at his nickname. He turned to Karnage and smiled. “Nobody calls me that anymore, John.”

  “Oh yeah? Why not? Looks to me like it’s still true. Things go to shit and you come out smellin’ okay. Just like old times, isn’t it, Roach? Oh, except for the part where you stabbed us in the back.”

  “I didn’t stab anyone in the back, John.”

  “No. You just dropped your dog tags and ran.”

  “It’s a lot more complicated than that, John.”

  “How complicated can it be, Roach? You’re here. You’re alive. You ran. End of story.”

  “I would have been killed!”

  “You don’t deserve life, Roach. And one day, I’m going to make that happen for you.”

  “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Lemon Breeze. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

  “John, please.” Riggs sighed. “Look, you’ve been through a lot. I understand that. And I’m sure you had your reasons for doing what you did.”

  “Doing what I did? What the hell are you—? Oh, I get it. You think I blew up the asylum.”

  “I didn’t say that, John.”

  “You think I’m crazy.”

  “You’re not crazy,” Riggs said. “You just need help. There are some very angry people out there who want your head.”

  “There’s a very angry fella in here who wants yours.”

  “These are some very powerful people, John. Some very powerful people. I’m doing everything I can to help. All you need to do is sign a few forms for me, and we can get you out of here.”

  “What kind of a slow-witted bohunk do you take me for?”

  “I’m just trying to help you here, John.”

  “Fuck you and your help, Roach.”

  Riggs shrugged. “All right. If that’s the way you feel about it. I’ll stop in tomorrow. See how you’re doing. Let me know if you change your mind.”

  Riggs turned and headed for the door. Karnage tried to glare him to death as he walked out. It didn’t work. “I’m gonna kill that asshole.”

  Karnage’s neck buzzed. “Warning Sanity Level upgraded to Daffodil. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

  “What’s that voice in the back of your neck about?” Stumpton said.

  “It’s nothin’.” Karnage examined the cell door. “What are these bars made of?”

  “E-nium,” Stumpton said.

  “E-nium? What the hell is E-nium?”

  “It’s a reconstituted alloy. Made from the shavings of scrap metal. They mash it up into a kind of polymer. Supposed to be stronger than titanium. It’s one of those E-friendly products.”

  “What the hell is an E-friendly product?”

  “It’s one with a big ‘E’ sticker on it.”

  Karnage jerked a thumb at the monitor in his cell. “What about these computers? Can we use ’em to get out?”

  Stumpton shook his head. “They’re not tied to any of the main systems. Just the food and lavatory stuff.”

  “That food’s got to come from somewhere, and that shit’s got to go someplace else.”

  “I don’t know about that.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Might be a closed-circuit system.”

  “You mean shit gets recycled into food?”

  “Might be.”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Wait ’til you taste it.”

  “I don’t plan to be here that long.” Karnage ran his fingers along the corner of the tray jutting out from the wall. “What’s behind these panels?“

  “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to get behind them.”

  “Maybe I can.” Karnage slipped his fingers into the gap between the tray and the wall. He pulled on the tray. He could feel the resistance of the bent fork pushing against the inside of the wall. Karnage pulled harder. He heard the creak of metal as the fork bent inside the wall. Something snapped, and the tray popped out. The mangled fork dangled from the cable, its head sheared off. Karnage looked up at the monitor. The red kitties of death were still on the screen. Karnage’s neck buzzed. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Citrus Blast. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

  “Looks like the system has to be reset manually,” Stumpton said.

  “Looks like.” Karnage picked up the fork and gave it a solid yank.

  “You’re wasting your time with that,” Stumpton said. “That carbon nanotube stuff doesn’t break.”

  “I don’t expect it to.” Karnage wrapped the fork’s wire around his fist. He braced his
foot against the wall and pulled hard.

  Metal groaned. Something inside the wall snapped. The tray fell halfway out of the wall.

  Karnage braced himself against the wall and gave another pull. There was another screech of metal and the tray broke free. It landed with a heavy thud on the floor. The Sanity Patch buzzed.

  “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Peachy Keen. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

  Stumpton whistled. “What are you going to do with that?”

  “I’m gonna pick the lock.” Karnage unwrapped the cable from his hand and grabbed the fork by its handle. He stood in the middle of the cell and started swinging the tray around in a circle, like an athlete prepping for a hammer throw. After a few spins, he let the cable loose, and the tray slammed into the bars.

  Sparks exploded. Electricity crackled and buzzed. The bars bent outwards.

  Karnage’s neck buzzed. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Tangy Orange. Please refrain from—”

  “How do you like that,” Karnage said. “E-nium’s stronger than titanium just like biometric scanners are tamper proof.”

  “How did you know?” Stumpton said.

  “I didn’t.” Karnage kicked the tray clear of the sparking bars. “But if this stuff is so strong, then why go to all the trouble of electrifying it?”

  Karnage swung the tray over his head again and lobbed it into the mangled bars. The Sanity Patch upgraded to Coral Essence. Karnage didn’t pay much attention to it. He was more worried about the tray. The bars had bent so far in that the tray was wedged inside the bulge. Karnage gave the tray an experimental kick. It was stuck fast. “You don’t suppose these trays are conductive, do you, Corporal?”

  “I . . . I don’t know. . . .”

  “Best guess?”

  “I’d guess not.”

  “Good enough for me.” Karnage launched himself across the cell and slammed his shoulder into the tray. The bars twisted farther out. A corner of the tray pushed clear of the bars. The Sanity Patch chirruped again. “Warning. Sanity Level upgraded to Frosty Pink. Please—”

  “Guess you’re right,” Karnage said. “I didn’t get fried.”

  Karnage threw himself into the tray again. The entire rear of the tray pushed clear. “One more oughta do it.”

  “—upgraded to Strawberry Shortcake. Please refrain from violent behaviour.”

  Karnage froze. He looked at Stumpton.

  “Come on, Major,” Stumpton said, “one more shot and you’re through!”

  Karnage pointed at his neck. “Did that thing say what I think it said?”

  “What?”

  “Strawberry shortcake.”

  “Yeah, I guess so. What does that matter?”

  “Shit.” Karnage moved to punch the tray in frustration. He stopped himself mid-swing. “Shit-shitshit!”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I can’t do it,” Karnage said.

  “Sure you can! It’s just gonna take one more hit! Hell, if you’ve done something to your shoulder, just give it a good solid kick. That’s all it’ll—”

  “I can’t!”

  A door burst open in the distance. Boots marched down the hall. A pair of extra large Dabneycops emerged from the darkness. The beefier of the two looked from Karnage to Stumpton, then back to Karnage.

  “Which one of you knuckleheads is Karnage?”

  A high-pitched voice piped up from behind them. “It’s the one who still has both his hands, you idiot!”

  The beefy one looked at Karnage suspiciously. “You sure?”

  “Of course I’m sure! Now get the hell out of my way before I make you sad tossers regret it!”

  “Sorry, Sydney.” The two brutes jumped to either side as if they’d been bit. Standing behind them was a third Dabneycop who barely came up to their waists. She removed her helmet, revealing spiky strawberry blonde hair and piercing blue eyes that stared cold and hard at Karnage.

  “So,” she said. “You’re Karnage.”

  “So,” Karnage said. “You’re Sydney.”

  “I’ve heard a lot about you,” she looked Karnage up and down. “Can’t say you live up to the hype.”

  “Feeling’s kinda mutual,” Karnage said.

  “Oh yeah?” Sydney smirked. “Expecting someone a bit more manly, were you?”

  “Nah,” Karnage said. “Just a little taller.”

  Sydney scowled. She poked at the tray jutting out of the cell. “Trying to escape, I see?”

  “You noticed that, huh?”

  “I’ve got a good eye.” She pointed a finger at Karnage. “You cost me my command.”

  “You shoulda done more to hold on to it.”

  Sydney smiled. “You got a mouth on you.”

  “So I’ve been told.”

  “You got the goods to back it up?”

  “You lookin’ to find out?”

  “I am.” She motioned to the beefier of her two associates. “Tiny. Open the cage.”

  “But Riggs said—”

  Tiny buckled. Karnage hadn’t seen Sydney move, but her left pinky finger was now pressed against Tiny’s knee. Tiny whimpered and gasped. Sydney never broke eye contact with Karnage.

  “Sorry, Tiny. Didn’t quite catch that. Try again?”

  Tiny squeaked. Sydney poked a smidgeon harder. Tiny’s eyes started watering. “I’m afraid you’ll have to speak up, Tiny,” she said. “Funny thing. Y’see, I thought I heard you mention the name ‘Riggs’ to me. You wouldn’t do anything that stupid, would you, Tiny?”

  Tiny shook his head.

  “Good. Now be a good lad and open up the cage. Okay, Tiny?” Sydney curled her finger away from Tiny’s knee. Tiny fell to the floor, gasping.

  “Whenever you’re ready, mate,” Sydney said.

  Tiny caught his breath. He stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. Giving Sydney a wide berth, he placed his palm on the biometric scanner. It beeped, and the mangled cell door swung open. Sydney pulled a pistol on Karnage.

  “This here’s the real thing. None of that goober stuff. Spragmos Industries Max Atom-17. Explosive-tipped bullets. Any funny stuff, and I blow your head clean off. You get me?”

  “Any funny stuff and my head blows clean off,” Karnage said.

  “Glad to hear we understand each other. Cuff him, Chuckles.”

  Chuckles did. Karnage didn’t resist.

  “Guess you’re not so hard to handle after all,” Chuckles said.

  “Not under the right circumstances,” Karnage said.

  “You sucking up to me?” Sydney said.

  “Nope.”

  “Good. I hate suck-ups. Isn’t that right, Tiny?”

  Tiny jumped and whimpered. He favoured his right leg.

  “Right. What say we go for a little walkabout then?”

  “You’re in charge,” Karnage said.

  “That’s right. I am.” Sydney flicked a salute at Stumpton. “Cheers, mate.”

  Bewildered, Stumpton watched as they effortlessly led Karnage away.

  CHAPTER THREE

  They took Karnage down through a series of corridors and several flights of stairs. They stopped for a bit in a stairwell while Sydney grabbed a heavy duffel bag from a utility closet.

  “What’s in the bag?“ Karnage said.

  “Emergency supplies,” Sydney said. “You know, just in case.”

  “In case of what?”

  “In case you get out of line.”

  “The gun ain’t enough?”

  “Not if I still want you alive.”

  They led Karnage down several more flights of stairs. Karnage noted every twist and turn, committing it all to memory. He’d be able to find his way back blindfolded if need be. No matter what happened, no matter how things went down, he’d do his damnedest to make sure he got Stumpton out of there. He was one of his soldiers now. The only way he’d leave him was under pain of death.

  And what about the others? Karnage twinged with a pang of guilt. Velasquez. Cookie. Koc
h. Heckler. They all needed him, too. He’d wasted too much time already. No telling what those aliens were doing to them.

  Karnage had plenty of time to observe his captors as they led him into the bowels of the building. Tiny and Chuckles were fools. All brawn and no brains. Karnage suspected they’d made their careers putting on the tough guy act without ever having to play the part. They relied on their size to do all their work for them. It was probably why Sydney was able to exert such exacting control over them. Her existence defied their sense of logic. How could anything that small be that strong? When the time came, they’d be no threat to Karnage. They’d go down easy.

  Sydney was another matter. Her movements were incredibly precise. Not a motion wasted. He’d have to be careful. If he hadn’t been a single Sanity Level away from blowing his head off, he could have used Chuckles and Tiny as a diversion to get clear of Sydney. But for now he was helpless.

  Karnage fumed. How long did it take him to downgrade a Sanity Level? He hadn’t a clue. He cursed himself for not paying closer attention. You’re gettin’ sloppy, you old fool. You can’t keep going off halfcocked like this! Your troopers are counting on you. Cookie, Velasquez, Heckler, Koch. And now Stumpton, too. What the hell happened to your military discipline?

  “We’re here.”

  The corridor they stood in was poorly lit. A single fluorescent bulb clung to a flickering half-life in the middle of the hall. At the far end, Karnage could make out a battered wooden door locked with a heavy padlock. Sydney fished a key from the duffel bag and unlocked the padlock. She opened the door, one hand on the doorknob and one hand holding her pistol level with Karnage. She motioned with her pistol.

  “After you,” she said.

  “You’re too kind.” Karnage walked into the darkness, conscious of Sydney’s pistol pointing at his mid-section.

  The door closed behind Karnage with a loud thunk. The world went black for a second. There was the flick of a light switch, and an incandescent light bulb popped to life above Karnage’s head. The sickly yellow glow reflected off the cracked cinder block walls and rusting furnace in the corner. The air was thick with the smell of dust and mould.

  “Cozy,” Karnage said.

  “Used to be called the hospitality suite,” Sydney dropped the duffel bag by the door and rolled up her sleeves. “Used to bring suspects down here when they needed a little extra encouragement to confess.”