Major Karnage

by Gord Zajac

  The worm’s body ebbed and flowed beneath Karnage’s feet. Stumpy walked across the worm effortlessly, his legs adjusting to every roll. “You get used to it after a while,” he said. “You just need to get your worm legs.” He sat in an armchair beside a coffee table, and motioned for Karnage to take the chair on the other side. The table was covered in bits of technology. It rolled back and forth on the table as the worm’s body moved beneath it. A lip running around the edge of the table prevented any of it from falling off.

  “This is too weird.” Karnage sat down. “Last time I was on one of these things, it was trying to kill me. Hell, every time I’ve seen a worm it’s tried to kill me. And yet here we are, riding on the back of one like it’s a goddamn elephant. How’d you figure it out?”

  Stumpy grinned. “That was me. Once Tristan explained how things went down in the WTF, it got me to thinking. Seemed kind of stupid to have a horn on your head that’ll kill you if it breaks off. Unless it was bred that way on purpose.” Stumpy grew excited and leaned forward. “The horn’s like a steering column. Lean on it to urge the worm forward, pull back to get it to slow down, push left and right to get it to turn. And if the worm’s getting a little too ornery for your liking, you just give it a good hard yank and it snaps off, and the worm dies. Like a kill switch, or a self-destruct. Works like a charm.”

  “You’re one resourceful trooper, Stumpy.”

  Stumpy shrugged. “I just like to know how things work, that’s all.”

  The ground shifted and the worm’s undulations became more pronounced.

  “Feels like we’re on our way. Shouldn’t take us too long to get back to the compound. You should see how fast these babies can go. It’s something else. I haven’t had the guts to let one go full out. I don’t know if I could hold on! But one day, maybe. One day . . .”

  “How did you end up with the Spragmites?” Karnage said.

  “Well, I did like you said,” Stumpy said. “I got the array up and running, and, well, frankly, Major, I don’t know what that array picked up, but the controls started goin’ crazy! Lots of weird squiggling all over the monitors and—well, I don’t even know what it was. But I just kept those dials hummin’ and that array going, like you said. And then there was this blast of green light, and it all went quiet. All of it. Not a peep. Nothin’. Dials were up, and the array was still hummin’, but whatever had been sendin’ those signals was gone. I couldn’t find ’em again.”

  Karnage nodded. “Probably ultra-violent transmissions.”

  Stumpy gave Karnage a funny look. “Ultra-what?”

  “Never mind,” Karnage said. “Go on.”

  “Well, anyway, I stayed holed up in there, and kept listenin’ for anything goin’ on, and the next thing I know I hear this knockin’ on the door! And I go and I peek out the window, see? And there’s this woman standin’ there! And not just any woman. She was beautiful! I’ve seen some lookers in my time, but this one . . . so graceful and elegant. Anyway, she sees me lookin’ out at her, so I duck back inside. And she starts talkin’ to me through the door. Askin’ me to let her in. And I tell her I can’t, cuz I gave my word and . . .” Stumpy frowned, puzzled.

  “And what?”

  Stumpy shook his head. “Well, I don’t know. I mean, she just kept talkin’ to me, see, and I kept listenin’, and she said she knew you! And the more we talked, the more it seemed like she knew all about you—like I mean everything! Like stuff you wouldn’t be able to guess, right? So I ask her if you told her the password, and she said you did, but she got so scared that she forgot it—and she’s tellin’ me all about the Spragmites and how she got roped into bein’ part of it all by this Melvern fella—he sounds like one right mean sonofabitch, let me tell you. And so she tells me how you gave her the strength to go on. How you helped her to stand up and fight back and together the two of you knocked that Melvern bastard from his pedestal, and brought him to his knees. But then that ship appeared in the sky, and you told her to get away and find me, and so she ran and then there was the green flash, and when she got up there was nothing left of you but a giant smokin’ crater in the ground.

  “She was sure you were dead, but I kept remembering what you’d said about your troopers, and I figured whatever had happened to them had happened to you. And if you had reason to believe they were all right, then I figured you were probably all right, too. I just had to find you!

  “And then you know what she did? She turned you into like a messiah for her people. The Lightbringer, she called it. And then she put me in charge of tryin’ to find you! And that’s what I’ve been doin’ ever since. I been workin’ with this group—they call themselves the Illuminati. They say it’s got something to do with light, but it just sounds like a load of horseshit to me—and we’ve been lookin’ for you. We were gettin’ reports of demons and the apocalypse from some of our contacts in Dabneyville, then one of our members sends us D-Pad footage of somebody in a hoverpack carryin’ you out of the city. I hacked into the globesat network and traced the flight path, and . . . well, here we are.”

  “That’s one hell of a story,” Karnage said.

  “It’s been a hell of a ride,” Stumpy smiled. “But it’s all workin’ out, isn’t it? I actually found you. Tristan didn’t think I would. I could tell. She was tryin’ to let me down easy, I suppose. But boy is she gonna be surprised when we come walkin’ back into the compound. I can’t wait to see the look on her face!”

  “Yeah,” Karnage said uncomfortably, “that should be a sight to see.”

  CHAPTER THREE

  They stopped in a low canyon filled with horned worms. The worms were tied down with guy wires attached to their horns. Long lines of tents had been set up on their backs. It looked like a squidbug trailer park. The largest of the worms sat in the middle of the compound. The tent on its back was essentially a mansion. Room upon room of heavy tapestry with peaked roofs and flags waving from the peaks. Karnage guessed it was Tristan’s.

  It was. Stumpy led Karnage towards it, beaming. Spragmites wielding D-Pads stood on all sides, quietly recording this moment. The occasional whisper of “Lightbringer” came up from the crowd.

  They approached Tristan’s worm. A pair of Spragmite priests stood guard at the base of the rope ladder. They bowed deeply to Karnage, and stepped out of the way. Stumpy climbed the ladder, and Karnage followed. D-Pads followed their path as they climbed, glinting in the evening sun.

  As they reached the top, a line of Spragmite priests emerged from the tent. They lined up to either side of the tent’s entrance. They wore extravagant headdresses in the shape of worm horns. Homski emerged from the tent in a long flowing robe and an even more extravagant headdress. A tiny white filament microphone stuck out from behind his ear. He walked to the end of the long line of priests, and unfurled a scroll. He began speaking; his voice echoed from unseen speakers across the compound.

  “Presenting her Holiness, the High Priestess of Spragmos.”

  The crowd broke out into chants of “ma-ma-oo-pow-pow” as the flaps of the tent pulled back. Tristan sashayed out of the tent, her long flowing robes resplendent with jewels. Her headdress looked like a three-headed horn covered in white diamonds. A tiny white filament microphone was also visible above her ear. She glided past her priests, smiling warmly at Karnage. She leaned forward and embraced him. As she did so, she discreetly covered her microphone with her fingers and whispered in Karnage’s ear. “Keep quiet,” she whispered, “and follow my lead.” She pulled back and turned to the crowd, smiling warmly.

  “Humble servants of Spragmos,” her voice echoed across the compound. “Our prayers have been answered. Behold, the return of the Lightbringer. Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow.”

  “Ma-ma-oo-pow-pow,” the crowd cried.

  Tristan turned to Karnage. “Come, Lightbringer. There is much to discuss.”

  Tristan guided Karnage back to the tent. Stumpy moved to follow. Homski rushed forward, blocking Stumpy’s way. “No,” he said. “Only the
holiest of Spragmites are allowed to enter the Temple!”

  “He’s with me,” Karnage said.

  Homski jumped as if he’d been shocked. He looked up at Karnage with wide, terrified eyes, then looked to Tristan for guidance.

  She nodded sweetly. “Let him pass, Homski.”

  “Of course, Your Holiness. Of course.” He bowed his head and stepped out of the way. The priests looked on in confusion as Karnage and Stumpy followed Tristan into the tent.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  They walked through a long tapestry-laden hallway and into an antechamber, where a pair of handsome menservants took Tristan’s headdress and outer robes, revealing a much more comfortablelooking dress underneath. Tristan smiled at them and waved for Karnage and Stumpy to follow her.

  She led them into a massive library: bookshelves stood bolted to tent poles, gently bobbing and swaying on the back of the worm; thin wire mesh held the books in place; a table and chairs slowly rose and fell like boats moored to a dock. Tristan sat at the head of the table, and motioned for Karnage and Stumpy to sit farther down.

  Once seated, Tristan dropped her austere look and gave Karnage a bemused smile. “Well, Major, you have surprised me once again. I can’t say I expected to find you at all, let alone alive.” She turned to Stumpy. “Russell, you are much more resourceful than I would have ever thought. I’m not sure whether to commend you or strangle you.”

  Stumpy started and blinked. “What?”

  “You understand the predicament you have put me in, don’t you? With the Major found, my authority has now been undermined. My orders and edicts will be open to questioning. What happened to poor Homski out there is but the tip of the iceberg.

  She turned to Karnage. “So, my dear Major, what ever am I to do with you? You were supposed to be the Impossible Dream which my people were free to dream for as long as I wished to rule. Which, for all intents and purposes meant forever. Alas, you have crushed my dreams by bringing theirs to fruition. This really is quite the monkey wrench you have thrown into the works. I commend you for continuing to live up to your moniker.”

  “I do my best,” Karnage said.

  “What do you mean what do we do with him?” Stumpy said. “I thought you wanted to find him! I thought . . .”

  Karnage put a hand on Stumpy’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Stumpy. Tristan wants people to think what she wants them to think when she wants them to think it, and then only until she thinks they should be thinking something else. Ain’t that right?”

  “A rather circuitous way of putting it, but yes.” Tristan placed her chin in her palm and squinted at Karnage. “So, Major, how shall we proceed? Shall I have you declared a false messiah, and toss you to the worms?”

  Stumpy jumped from his seat. “What? You can’t do that!”

  Tristan gazed up at Stumpy. “Of course I can, silly. I’m the High Priestess. I can do anything.”

  “I thought you said Messiah trumps High Priestess every time,” Karnage said.

  “That was High Prophet. And yes, Messiah trumps High Prophet every time. High Priestess, on the other hand, is another matter entirely. Currently, it would be quite easy for me to have you declared a fake. A demonic forgery sent to confuse and destroy us. The people are already running around scared thanks to all these reports of ‘demons’ in Dabneyville. A little fear is a good thing, but at the rate they’re going, they are going to start turning on each other soon. You wouldn’t happen to be able to shed any light on these demon sightings, would you, Major?”

  “I would,” Karnage said. “And I also might have a solution to your problem that doesn’t involve me bein’ fed to a bunch of worms.”

  “Really, Major?” Tristan’s eyes sparkled. “Do tell.”

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Karnage explained about the squidbugs and as much of their plans to take over the world as he knew. He included a few juicy tidbits about the human/alien hybrids, but without getting into his encounter with General Mayhem. He never wanted to relate that encounter to anyone if he could help it. Tristan listened intently through it all. Stumpy’s eyes nearly fell out of his head five times, each revelation outdoing the last.

  “They’re gonna terraform the earth, and claim it for themselves,” Karnage concluded. “And what with this ‘merger’ the Dabney Corporation’s worked out, they’re gonna turn the human race into half-human, half-squidbuggy things . . . humbugs.”

  Tristan arched an eyebrow. “Humbugs?”

  Karnage nodded. “Yeah. Humbugs.”

  Tristan looked at Stumpy. Stumpy shrugged. “Beats callin’ ’em half-human half-squidbuggy things.”

  “All right. Humbugs, then.” Tristan turned back to Karnage. “Well, Major, this is all very interesting and tragic, but I don’t see how it affects me and my current predicament.”

  “If the squidbugs win, then you’re not gonna have any people left to lead. Just a bunch of squiggly humbugs, all servin’ a different master.”

  “That would be this ‘Queen’ you mentioned.”

  “That it would.”

  “And what do you propose we do about this, then?”

  “I propose we go on a Crusade.”

  “A Crusade?”

  Karnage nodded. “You’re wonderin’ what your followers are gonna do now that I’m back? Why not have me lead them into a Holy Battle against the ultimate evil. They’re already thinkin’ the squidbugs are demons. We just gotta play that up.”

  “Interesting. And where would you send my people on this Crusade?”

  “Dabneyville,” Karnage said. “I got to get back there before that squidbug mothership leaves. I got to get inside and stop ’em.”

  “And how do you propose to do that?”

  “I’ve got some ideas,” Karnage looked over at Stumpy. “But I’m gonna need your help, Corporal.”

  Stumpy gave a start. “Me?”

  Karnage nodded. “I need your expertise. You done a hell of a job out here figurin’ out how to domesticate the worms. I could use some of that know-how to maybe domesticate a few other things.”

  “And what happens if you’re not able to defeat the invasion, Major? What then?”

  “You need to look on the bright side, your Holiness,” Karnage said. “If I’m dead, then I’m out of your hair, and you’ll never see me again. But that won’t matter anyway, cuz the squidbugs will come and turn you and all your followers into humbugs worshippin’ their queen. But if I win, then you get to hold on to your little kingdom here. And I promise you’ll never see me again.”

  “Really? You can promise me that?”

  “I can,” Karnage said.

  “I hope so, Major,” Tristan looked at Karnage through half-lidded eyes. “Otherwise, I will be quite put out.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Tristan pulled a tourist map of Dabneyville from her shelves. They splayed it out in front of them. Illustrations of Dabby Tabby enjoying the splendours of Dabneyville littered the map.

  “We’ll break the worms up into battalions.” Karnage pointed down at the figure of Dabby Tabby rocketing down the Gail Dabney Expressway. “First worm battalion will charge the main gate. Once they’re through, the other battalions will follow fast behind. Overrun the place with a shock attack.”

  Stumpy looked up at Karnage in surprise. “A banzai attack?” Karnage nodded. “It’s the best we can do. We’re dealing with conscripts here. These people ain’t soldiers. We can’t expect a lot from ’em.”

  “But it’ll be a slaughter,” Stumpy said.

  Karnage shook his head. “Only if the enemy’s got lethal weapons. Dabneycops are all armed with goober and Sudsy.”

  “And what about the squidbugs?”

  “They’ve got their energy spears, but I think they use the same technology as the beams from the ship. Those don’t kill. They just,” Karnage waved his fingers in the air, “transport stuff.”

  Tristan arched an eyebrow and mimicked Karnage’s finger waving. “Transport stuff?”

&n
bsp; “Anyone who gets tagged by the squidbugs will just end up inside the ship,” he said. “They might end up pickled, but they’ll be alive. Casualties should be minimal.”

  “And where will you be through all of this?” Tristan said.

  Karnage pointed to a depiction of Dabby Tabby leaning out from the Dabney National Tower. “While you got ’em good and distracted, me and Stumpy will come in from the north. We’ll use my flightpack.” Karnage turned to Stumpy. “You’ll ride piggyback. Be our sharpshooter in case we encounter any trouble in the air. We’ll fly up the side of Mount Dabney and make our way into the squidbug mothership.”

  Tristan tsked. “It’s certainly not the most elegant of plans.”

  “It ain’t pretty,” Karnage said. “But it should work.”

  “I hope it does, Major,” Tristan said.

  “So do I.”

  “I got a question,” Stumpy said. “How you gonna get the Spragmites keen on fightin’? You’ve always preached to them about love and peace and harmony.”

  Tristan patted Stumpy’s stump. “You just leave that to me.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Karnage and Stumpy stayed sequestered in her private quarters at Tristan’s insistence. She payed lip service to the idea of Karnage’s personal safety, but they all knew it was about limiting his potential to undermine her authority. They sat in her personal library and watched the D-Pad Homski had provided them.

  The screen showcased a stage that had been erected in front of Tristan’s worm, framing a large swath of its massive bulk. Richly coloured fabric draped the sides, deep pinks and oranges that complemented the worm’s body perfectly. Torches glowed warmly along the base of the stage. The hairs on the worm’s flank had been given some kind of glitter treatment, and they shimmered and shone in the flicker of the torchlight.