The Bright Side Brigade

by Elaine White

  Message from: Ryder

  Skyrock Cinema, 8 p.m. There's a new Fast and Furious film out. I'll meet you out front.

  Karsyn leaned back on his locker, disappointed to find that Ryder wasn't Anonymous. That meant he hadn't just asked him out because of the notes. It meant Ryder didn't know about the notes or that he was gay or that he was harbouring such a secret. It meant there was someone out there, someone at school, who loved him and was too afraid to tell him.

  He looked up, glancing down both sides of the corridor to try to find someone who was watching him. Someone who was looking too closely, who appeared too interested or who was trying too hard to avoid him.

  There was no one.

  Ryder wasn't Anonymous and Karsyn had no idea who was. And…worse of all…he had no idea how Ryder knew he was gay.

  Just who else knew…?

  Chapter 4

  All day, Karsyn was on high alert, trying to spot anyone who might be Anonymous. He didn't know why it mattered so much; all he knew was that he hated secrets and 'Anonymous' was the biggest secret he had to keep. Other than his own sexuality.

  Ryder was surprisingly close all day. He was always glancing over, sending him smiles, even whispering to him about how much he was looking forward to their date that weekend.

  Something about it felt wrong somehow.

  Ryder was supposed to be as straight as he was, as far as the rest of the school were concerned, so why was he suddenly acting like he'd come out years ago?

  Karsyn made his way to his last class and noticed the usually cheerful captain of his rugby team, Romany, sitting low in his seat, chewing his lower lip. He looked sad and unsure, when he was normally always the life and soul of the party, always making jokes and keeping everyone else's spirits up. Karsyn wasn't sure he'd ever seen him look so displaced.

  His slightly long dark hair and broody dark eyes made him look every inch the Romani he'd been named after, some distant relative insisting that their heritage was passed down at least once in a generation. He wore it well. Damn well.

  Though he was pretty much ninety nine percent sure Romany was straight, Karsyn had always harboured a secret fantasy, like something out of a novel. Two runaway teens, one Romani and one not, finding love against all the odds. It was stupid, but something he'd never really been able to let go of. The fact that Romany wasn't someone he knew well, outside of the rugby team, made him all the more mysterious. And attractive.

  When the teacher left the room, to speak to an unruly kid from the front row, Karsyn got up from his seat and walked over to Romany's seat. He crouched beside his desk, looking up into his vacant eyes. “Hey.” He gave his knee a nudge and watched him blink away the daydream. “What's up? You don't seem yourself,” he admitted quietly.

  “Just…tired. The coach has been riding me hard all week and we've got practice again tonight,” Romany explained with a shrug. He looked exhausted, sad and pretty much not up to playing a game of rugby after school.

  Karsyn offered him a smile. “If you can't do it, you have to tell him.”

  “Yeah, and that's going to happen,” Romany scoffed, shaking his head and looking out the window.

  Karsyn gave his knee a push until he turned back to face him. “I'm serious. You need a break. If you take any more hits you won't make it to tomorrow, never mind this weekend. You come first. You have to take care of yourself,” he warned.

  He didn't like the way Romany was so quiet and withdrawn from everything. It didn't bode well for his mental health. He decided that if Romany agreed not to practice tonight and the coach pushed him to, then he would stage a protest.

  “What made you so wise all of a sudden?” Romany cracked a faint smile that made him let out a sigh of relief.

  It was a start.

  “Let's just say that I've been talking to someone who opened my eyes.” He shrugged, hoping he wasn't giving too much away. “I always thought rugby would be my whole life, but now I'm not so sure. Now, I think I've given up too much for a game that might kill me one day,” he confessed, without admitting that the 'someone' was 'Anonymous'.

  He was beginning to realise his dad was right; what use was it living a life where he couldn't be happy? And, in reality, rugby was about the most likely sport just behind boxing to give him brain damage, serious rib and bone breakage or even just kick the crap out of him emotionally and physically, until he was too weak or old to take anymore.

  “All I'm doing with my future is planning how to sacrifice even more for it. I just don't think it's worth it anymore,” he admitted.

  “You're thinking about blowing off the pro team?” Romany asked in a whisper.

  Karsyn shrugged, since he wasn't quite sure what he was going to do with himself. His captain seemed surprised, but there was a deeper relief in his eyes that said maybe he wanted to do the same. “I haven't decided yet.”

  Romany looked around the room, before leaning in closer. “That's a really big decision, Karsyn. Once you've made it, you can't go back. Who is this person you've been talking to?” he asked, though he didn't think it was so he could blame them. He actually wondered if Romany needed someone to talk sense into him and was hoping his 'Anonymous' would do that.

  Karsyn blinked and looked away as he realised that he was laying claim to whoever Anonymous was. That was stupid; he barely knew the guy and he certainly didn't know who he was.

  Something about their ease of talking to each other made him feel connected, for maybe the first time in his life. Someone out there in the world knew exactly what he was going through and wanted to help him. He wanted to help Anonymous too, but he just didn't know how.

  “It's not really about him. He just got me thinking about things in a different way. I came to this decision myself.” Karsyn made the admission openly, since it was the truth. Anonymous had sent his mind spinning with ideas and thoughts that went well beyond anything he had ever wanted for his life so far. “Romany, you can live to play rugby or you can live your life so that you can play rugby. The choice is yours,” he reminded him. “Don't let coach run you ragged. We need you, but we need you to stay healthy and safe more than anything else.”

  “Okay.” Romany smiled at him, saying the word in barely more than a whisper. “Are you still coming to practice tonight?” he asked, his voice hopeful and curious.

  Karsyn didn't quite understand why but he nodded. “Course. I'm living my life so that I can play rugby…I wouldn't miss it.” He chuckled.

  “I'll see you there then.” Romany beamed at him as he got to his feet.

  “Damned right you will.”

  Karsyn felt more like himself once he was in his rugby outfit and out on the pitch stretching.

  He couldn't stop thinking about three things: his date with Ryder, who Anonymous might be, and what the hell had made Romany so down. He had only improved a fraction throughout the day and it still irked him that he hadn't heard from Anonymous since their chat the night before.

  For some reason, when he'd promised that Anonymous wasn't alone, it had been wrong. His new friend hadn't spoken to him since; not a text, not a note, not any form of communication that spoke of how close they had been so far.

  “How are you feeling?” Karsyn asked, as he walked over to where Romany was stretching his biceps. He tried to keep his mouth shut and his mind focused after that question, so he didn't blurt out how attractive his rugby captain was. He'd noticed before, but this time it seemed more insistent, beating at his brain, trying to get his attention.

  “Much better actually.” Romany flashed a cracker of a smile at him and he smiled back, trying to control his thoughts a little.

  It was irrational, but he kind of liked the fluttery feeling in his gut and the intense heat that soared through him from head to toe, on seeing Romany's smile. “And did you think about what I said?” he wondered, hoping to change the subject slightly.

  Romany grinned and bent right over to touch his toes, as he stretched. “Sure did. I rule my life�
��not rugby.”

  He said it almost as if it was a new mantra, which made him laugh. He was glad to hear that he'd been thinking seriously about things.

  “Good for you. You know, this guy I was talking to, he really made me think about life,” he admitted, deciding to stretch while he talked, so that it took his focus off Romany. His captain made a noise of wonder, so he kept talking. “I always thought my dad was blowing smoke when he said that I should put my happiness before the game, that he didn't understand that rugby was my life.” He chuckled, as he realised how wrong he was.

  “Now I finally see what he meant. There are some things worth making sacrifices for, but there are some things that are just worth too much to throw away.” He shrugged as he twisted and extended his right arm above his head, bent it at the elbow and pulled it down his back enough to stretch it.

  Romany was beaming at him in total understanding. “Yeah. I haven't been on a date or gone out just for myself and my own enjoyment in maybe a year. And I'm not like you; going pro isn't what I'm after,” he confessed, with a derisive laugh.

  He seemed particularly angry about the no dating part and Karsyn had to mentally slap himself when he instantly thought that he would date him in a heartbeat.

  “Same here. It's crazy, isn't it?” Karsyn laughed with him, to cover his thoughts. “When I thought about the offer to go pro, I just thought…stuff it. I love rugby, but do I really want to go pro?” he asked himself, yet again. “I think it's just something the coach has drilled into me, going on about how great I am, then having the scouts tell me how I can make the big leagues.” He sighed and raked a hand through his hair as he straightened up. “I don't give a crap about the money; I never did. But it sounded good at the time. Now, I'm just not sure.”

  “And you won't tell me who got you thinking this way?” Romany asked, with a smile that had him captivated.

  Karsyn didn't know why it was happening, but he didn't actually mind. “Can't. I don't know his name,” he confessed.

  “You don't?” His captain laughed at him.

  “Nope. Just some guy I've been talking to. He's smart, you know…life smart. He really seems to know what he wants,” he explained, surprised to see a look of approval coming over Romany's green eyes.

  He smiled and looked at the ground as he asked his next question. “And what's that?”

  Karsyn thought about that for a minute before shrugging it off. He wasn't entirely sure. He had a feeling it was all about finally coming out of his closet and being who he knew he'd always been, deep down where no one could see. “I don't know yet. Freedom, maybe. And I've got to tell you, Romany, it sounds damned good.” He sighed as he made the confession, afraid that level of joy could only be reached by coming out. He wasn't sure he was ready to do that yet.

  “Yeah…it sounds perfect,” Romany agreed, patting his shoulder before running off to do laps.

  Karsyn hesitated a moment, watching those strong calf and thigh muscles propelling him forward. Then, reluctantly, he set off to join him.

  Practice went smoothly, as usual.

  Karsyn got up close and personal with Romany a few times in the rucks and during the one-on-one resistance training, but that couldn't be helped.

  Romany was back to his sunshine and rainbows happy self, smiling and cracking jokes, looking completely delectable.

  That last five minutes had been really hard on him. He and Romany had been put on opposing teams for the last half hour, locked in a ruck at the very end. So when they crouched, paused and were just about to engage, he looked up and found Romany grinning back at him. He was pretty convinced that if he'd been out of the closet and it was a friendly game rather than the coach being there, he might have dragged him down into a kiss for that look.

  “Good game,” Romany said, patting his back as he walked over to the bleachers.

  Karsyn couldn't help but beam in pride. He wasn't the star player on the team, but he had a good spot and contributed to most of the games. Having his captain's approval of his latest training session felt really good.

  At least it did until he headed for the bleachers and found Ryder sitting there with a smile. “Um…hey.” Karsyn looked around awkwardly, wondering if anyone had noticed the way Ryder was looking at him. He caught Freddie sitting waiting for a friend from the RPG club, staring with a confused and curious frown, but he didn't know what it meant. No one but his parents were supposed to know he was gay, not even Freddie, so surely it just looked like two guys who grew up together having a conversation?

  “What are you doing here?” he wondered.

  “I thought I'd stop by and watch practice,” Ryder claimed with an innocent smile and a shrug.

  “That's great, but it's not really allowed. The coach would go ape shit if he caught you,” he warned.

  For a moment, he thought he caught anger in Ryder's eyes, then it turned into disappointment and he found himself wondering if the anger had ever been there. Ryder wasn't an angry person; he was too quiet and sweet for that.

  “Oh, right. Okay then.” Ryder shrugged and looked away, as if he was embarrassed. “But we're still on for tonight?” he asked, giving him a faint smile and a flirty look that made him feel uncomfortable.

  Why now, when the guy he had always wanted asked him out on a date, did he suddenly not want him? “Yeah, sure.” He nodded his agreement, hoping that a good date would snap him back into reality. He couldn't have Anonymous if he didn't know who he was and he certainly couldn't have Romany. The guy was straight and he was just going to have to deal with that.

  “Great. I'll meet you at the cinema then?” Ryder wondered, then walked off.

  Karsyn stood there, stunned and confused. What was going on with his head that he couldn't seem to make up his mind about who he could trust, who he wanted to be with and what he was going to do about it? Why now? He had been struggling with his feelings and locked in his closet for years. Why, when all his friends were hooking up, did he suddenly find himself caught in a whirlwind of conflicting emotions?

  God, this was going to be a long night.

  Chapter 5

  Something about this thing with Ryder didn't feel right. Why was Ryder asking him on a date now? How did he even know Karsyn was gay? And why was he suddenly infatuated with his rugby captain and Mr Anonymous, who hadn't spoken to him all day?

  When his phone buzzed at the bottom of his gym bag, Karsyn snapped out of his daydream and rummaged around for it. He was feeling pretty low, and for the life of him he didn't understand why.

  Then he looked down at his phone and the new text message that had come in. It was from Anonymous.

  Hello. I'm sorry I've been quiet today. I had some things to think about.

  At least it wasn't just a hello. But, on the other hand, he didn't think Anonymous had anything to be sorry for. It wasn't his fault that he'd let his stupid brain say things that frightened him off.

  That's okay. I was just worried I'd done something wrong.

  Never.

  So you're talking to me again? Karsyn asked, hoping he would say yes and that he wasn't just going to apologise and cut off all contact.

  Yes. But it's hard when we're in school, Anonymous said, which he guessed was true.

  He had to have his phone off or on silent when in classes and even then it was difficult to get a reply sent back. He thought for a moment about how he could get them a more secure method of communication that was better than notes or text messages.

  Here's my IM name. You can get me there most of the day, he promised, since they used their own laptops to do their work in a few classes now. Apparently, pen and paper were just too old fashioned. But, if it meant he and Anonymous could talk then he didn't care.

  Thank you, he sent back. You're really special, Karsyn. I'm not sure you know how much you mean to me.

  You mean a lot to me too. I never realised how alone I was until you spoke to me. Karsyn had no problem confessing, because he knew that Anonymous would never
judge him. He just hoped that one day he would get to meet him and find out if his imagination was trustworthy or not. He wanted to find out if he could fall as hard for the person that Anonymous was, as well as the compassion and the kindness that he got to see in his messages.

  I'm glad I make you feel better.

  Are we ever going to meet? I want to see you. I want to know you. Not just who you are, but you. The person. He didn't realise until he sent the message how needy he sounded, but, at this point, he was beyond caring. He needed to solve the mystery of who he was.

  Maybe one day. Maybe sooner than you think.

  Is that a promise?

  Why?

  Because I want, he stalled as he wrote the message, thinking about how to say it; he couldn't just say 'I want you' when he didn't know who it was, I want to thank you. To get to know you. And I know it sounds insane but…I care about you.

  A few agonising seconds passed and he realised that maybe that had been one confession too many for a guy who was already in love with him and afraid of being discovered. But, as crazy as it sounded, it was the truth. If the guy messaging him was anything like the real person he probably went to school with all the time, then Karsyn could see them growing emotionally closer than he'd ever been with anyone else.

  Which, when he thought about it, was much more important to his future than a brief career in rugby.

  Finally, his phone beeped with a reply.

  You have no idea how happy that makes me, he said.

  So, do you promise we'll meet? Soon? he asked, wondering if it came across more as begging.

  Yes. Before graduation.

  Karsyn let out a relieved sigh as he read that. A definite deadline. That meant he wouldn't go into the summer after high school not knowing who his Anonymous crush was. Then he looked around and realised that he and Romany were the only ones not back inside at the locker rooms yet.

  He sighed and reluctantly put an end to the conversation. Sorry, I'm at rugby practice. I have to get changed. But you'll IM me later?