The Darkness of Perfection

by Michael Schneider

  I ignored him, trying to open the door against gravity. “Damn it! The door’s locked! I can’t break the glass. It’ll cut her.” I settled for beating on the door trying to wake her. “Jayden! Come on, wake up for me baby! I love you! Damn it, don’t you leave me!”

  The flight to the hospital seemed to take forever, though in reality it was a blur. I paced the waiting room unable to sit still. William sat nearby. Antonio arrived just minutes ago with Grace. I didn’t understand why he brought her, but that wasn’t my concern.

  My concern was down the hall where my wife lay. She hadn’t regained consciousness at any point before they rushed her into surgery and that worried me. I warned the paramedics and the doctors that she was allergic to morphine and she was pregnant. William was surprised I knew about the baby already.

  She was my wife; of course I knew everything about her. I knew her likes and dislikes. I knew her fears, her hopes and her dreams. I knew her quirks; like how no matter what she ate or how hungry she was, she always left one bite of food on her plate. She said she read in a book once that in some country - she couldn’t remember where cleaning your plate was considered an insult to the cook. She said it meant that they didn’t offer enough food to their guest. Her reasoning made absolutely no sense considering she was the one who cooked the meal. I knew which of my bad habits she accepted as not

  worth the battle and which ones irritated her to no end. I also knew what made her happy.

  “You should call her family, Nicholas. It’s not right. They should be here,” William advised quietly.

  I hadn’t spoken to him since the accident. The fact that Jayden was lying in surgery down the hall was partly his fault. If he’d just kept his damn mouth shut none of this would have happened. All I’d needed was time to explain. I’d asked him to meet me at the house because I needed a huge favor from him.

  My plans were in ruins and I wasn’t sure how I was going to get her to listen to me now. I took my gaze off the empty hallway from where I knew the doctor would emerge with news of Jayden and our unborn child to look at the clock on the wall.

  “Their plane landed a few minutes ago.” I sighed. “I need to let them know to catch a cab and come here instead.”

  He stood and walked over to me. “How is it that they’re already here? When did you call them?” he asked, confused.

  I faced him directly. “I called them from the office before I came home. The favor I wanted was to ask you to pick them up and take them to a safe location to wait for me. Her mother refused to come to the house, not that I blame her.”

  “Why would you do that?” he questioned, shaking his head. “I’m sorry; I’m just trying to understand.”

  I growled in agitation and rubbed at my neck. The waiting was killing me. “Jayden is pregnant and she wanted her mother. It’s the only way I could make her happy. I was going to explain everything to her and then take her to see them. I love my wife just as much as you do yours.” I pointed to where Grace was lying on the hard vinyl sofa trying to stay relaxed. “I’m going outside to call her parents. I’ll be right back.”

  I exited the elevators feeling like I’d been physically beaten. The conversation with Jayden’s mother had been brutal. Terry - her father, I reminded myself again - had to take the phone from her to finish the conversation. It had been hard enough the first time I called.

  “Hello?”

  I was suddenly overcome with cowardice. I couldn’t do this. Calling was a mistake. I took the phone from my ear ready to hang up when her voice stopped me.

  “Please say something. Jayden?” her voice quivered on the line.

  I put the phone to my ear again and waited to see what she would say next. I was shocked that her first thought would be of Jayden. She was supposed to believe Jayden died four months ago. I looked at the phone on my desk and realized the area code would display on her caller ID. She would know the call came from Houston and whatever belief she had about her daughter’s death before would be wiped away instantly.

  “Do you have my baby? Is she all right? Who is this?”

  I looked at the photograph in my hands and took a deep breath. There was no going back now. “She’s fine. She misses you.”

  “Oh my God! Terry, come quick!” she shouted, sobbing hysterically and unmindful that she was screaming into the phone. “It’s about Jayden!”

  I heard more shouting and footsteps running. There was noise on the phone and then a man’s voice took over the call.

  “Who is this? Where’s Jayden? You son of a bitch, if you’ve harmed one hair on her head there won’t be a safe place in hell for you to hide from me! Let me talk to her!”

  I listened to his threats of physical pain, wishing that under different circumstances I could have met this man who’d protected Jayden most of her life as though she was his own daughter. He would be a formidable ally to have on your side. Instead my actions made me his enemy. There probably wasn’t any hope of ever gaining this man’s respect, but I was glad he loved Jayden. He would be there for her if ever I couldn’t be.

  “She’s not here. She’s at home right now,” I explained unnecessarily.

  “You son of a bitch!” he growled. “What the hell have you done to her? Where is she?”

  I propped my head in my hands wishing I could go back five minutes and not have made this phone call. They were angry. I got it, but I was trying to make things right.

  I’d spent almost two hours on the phone convincing them that I had no other intentions toward them other than to give them time with Jayden. I had made it clear that she was my wife now and wouldn’t be going home with them, but I would allow them to talk to her from time to time and possibly visit again in the future. Realistically I didn’t know how that could possibly work. They weren’t a part of my world so didn’t have to follow the same rules.

  Threats to disappear with her to another country if they went outside the parameters I set forth were the only way. I didn’t want to do that to Jayden or them. I was trying to right a wrong, not make it worse.

  I entered the waiting room to see William and Antonio were talking to a doctor. William saw me over the doctor’s shoulder and a look of remorse crossed his face. The doctor turned to face me when I approached looking nervous and agitated. I knew something was wrong.

  “How is she?” I asked anxiously. “Is she gonna be all right?”

  “Mrs. Harrison is in recovery now. I’ve repaired the damage to her shoulder. She’ll need some physical therapy since there was damage to the ligaments and tendons as well, but there shouldn’t be any lasting ill effects. She sustained a concussion from the crash. We’ll monitor her, but again I don’t think there’s anything to worry about there, either.” He was very direct in his answers, but still appeared nervous. The other shoe hadn’t been dropped yet.

  “And the baby?” I almost hated to ask.

  His eyes darted nervously to William and Antonio and I knew without him saying that the news wouldn’t be good.

  “I’m very sorry, Mr. Harrison. There’s nothing we could do.” He swallowed nervously, his Adam’s apple bobbing relentlessly. “A nurse will notify you when she’s been moved to a room and you can see her then. I’ll be by to check on her again in the morning.” He rushed out of the room, not waiting for a response.

  I stood frozen, thinking of all my dreams for the future. A future with Jayden and our children. It would have been filled with love and laughter because Jayden would have made sure of it. She would have made every demand on me to give our child a happy, normal life.

  My actions had destroyed that dream and I could never get it back. She may not have been happy about being pregnant right now, or even about being my wife, but she would have loved this baby and protected it with her life. She had one of the finest examples in her own mother to learn from.

  I had wanted to fix the mistakes I made with her so she could find happiness with me. There was only one thing I could do now to make it right.


  “Nicholas? Are you going to be okay?” William asked cautiously. He was tense and watched me, waiting for me to snap.

  “Excuse me. I need to make a phone call.” I turned sharply on my heel and strode out of the room before he could ask questions.

  After my call I searched for the doctor and found him propped against a wall with his head down, pulling at his hair. He stood quickly when he heard my approach and he watched me with suspicion.

  He probably thought I’d blame him for Jayden losing our baby.

  “Doctor, I need a favor.” He looked up and down the hall anxiously. I don’t know what he was searching for, but I wanted to put his mind at ease. I grasped his shoulder and he flinched. “I don’t blame you that she lost the baby. I know you did everything humanly possible to save them both.”

  He stared at me and slowly nodded. “I’m sorry.”

  “I need to see her. Please can you take me to her?”

  “She should be moved to a room soon,” he reminded me.

  “I know, but I’d like to see her now before her family arrives. I promise I won’t be long, just a few minutes.”

  He debated my request and finally nodded. “All right. I can give you three minutes, but then you’ll need to leave.”

  I agreed and followed him to the recovery ward. I waited outside her curtained room for the doctor to check her progress before he’d let me in to see her. When he finally pulled the curtain back my breath caught in my throat. Jayden was lying in the bed with tubes and wires connecting her to a machine that monitored her heart rate and blood pressure. An IV bag hung from a stand and dripped steadily into the tube. There were other machines in the small space, but they weren’t turned on. The blue and white hospital gown covered one shoulder and a large bandage was wrapped around the other and disappeared below the neckline of her gown. Her face was scraped and bruised, but she was still beautiful to me.

  I stood beside her bed, watching over her still form and listening to the machines beep steadily, reassuring me she was alive and going to survive.

  “I told you once that I wouldn’t apologize for things I didn’t regret. I still won’t. But I do owe you an apology for the things I do regret.” I spoke quietly, knowing she couldn’t hear me, but I need to say this.

  “I’m sorry for making you fall when you were three. I’m sorry for all the times I ignored you before you came to live with me. I’m sorry my father took you away from your family. I’m sorry for-” I coughed, choking on my emotion and cleared my throat. “For every time he forced me to put you in a cage and not being strong enough to stand up to him. I’m sorry for every time I told you your mom was a stranger and going to hurt you. I’m sorry for kidnapping you and taking away your dream. And most of all I’m sorry I made you hate me when I only wanted your love.”

  My chest felt like it was being crushed in a vise and I was having trouble breathing. I looked up at the ceiling trying to catch my breath so I could continue. I had so many regrets. When I looked down again moisture fell from my eyes onto the rail that framed the bed. I brushed my fingers over her cheek softly, memorizing her face for eternity. “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, but I’m not sorry for making you my wife. I love you so much, Jayden, and I only wish you could love me in return. I was wrong, though, to trick you into marriage. You didn’t even have roses at our wedding,” I whispered brokenly. “I’ve never even given you flowers. I’ve spoken to Uncle Eugene and Daniel. He has orders to draw up divorce papers. They’ll be there whenever you’re ready. I won’t contest it. An account is being set up for you to take care of anything you’ll ever need. You can go to college wherever you want.”

  I opened the crumpled, brown paper bag in my hand and pulled out the item inside. I turned it over in my hands and tried unsuccessfully to fluff it up and fix its appearance. I’d been carrying it since the paramedics pulled Jayden from the truck. It had been stored in a safety deposit box at the local bank tucked away safely for years just waiting to be reunited with its owner. I had stopped by the bank on the way home to retrieve it and it was still in the truck.

  I tucked it carefully against her uninjured side and leaned down, kissing her gently for the last time.

  “You never have to look over your shoulder, Jayden. I’ll leave you in peace unless you need me.

  Please have a happy life. I love you, Jayden.”

  Four years later “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you.”

  I accepted the scroll from the university president and held it in the air, waving in the general direction of my family. There was no way to pinpoint them in a crowd this large, but if the piercing whistles, fog horns and screaming were anything to go by, then I knew they were somewhere to the left of the stage.

  I returned to my seat and waited impatiently for rest of the ceremony to end. Even after all this time I got anxious when we were separated. The last four years hadn’t been easy, but with counseling and a lot of help from my family I’d made it out the other side a lot stronger and wiser. I’d found my inner strength and those times when I felt like I couldn’t go on, I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other until I got past whatever was weighing me down.

  The ceremony finally ended and I followed the crush of people to the exits. I was stopped repeatedly to hug friends and say a quick ‘hello’ when introduced to their families. All the while my focus was on finding my own family in the sea of faces that blurred around me.

  Squinting against the bright sun, my mind was on the celebration planned next as I walked down the sidewalk to find everyone. Despite the oppressive August heat, I broke out in goose bumps when I saw the person walking toward me. For a split second I thought I was seeing things, but I knew I wasn’t.

  I remembered the last time I saw him over three years ago. I sat in a courtroom with my father and listened while a judge sentenced him to two years in state prison for kidnapping me. The court gave him leniency since he pled guilty and had already released me on his own. Katherine and William sat behind him offering their support.

  My emotions that day were such a jumble I wasn’t sure what I really felt. I wanted to talk to him. I had questions that needed answers no one else could provide to my satisfaction. I had woken up in the hospital to see my family in the room. Nicholas never came to see me, but I knew he’d been there.

  I tried to contact him after he was arrested, but he refused to see me. I wrote letters to him in the months leading up to the trial. Daniel, acting as his attorney, returned them to me unopened before the trial began. Because of that, a larger part of me wanted to watch him suffer for everything he put me through. He turned my world upside down and changed it forever and he couldn’t spare ten minutes to talk to me. Two years was both too long and not long enough.

  Watching him stand and face his sentence without batting an eye was one of the hardest things I’ve done. His expression revealed nothing of his feelings regarding his sentencing. As they led him away he turned back to look at me only once and for just a moment he let me see the emotion he hid. I cried that night regretting my decisions, but it was too late to change anything.

  I was notified a year ago that he’d been released from prison. For weeks I waited for him to come knocking on my door. Every time the doorbell rang my heart stopped. Only he never came.

  Now he stood in front of me looking larger than life. He was dressed in boots and pressed jeans. A black blazer covered a starched white shirt and a black cowboy hat completed his look. He was dressed to impress. In his hand was a large bouquet of orange roses wrapped in tissue paper.

  My heart raced and butterflies made a mad dash around and around in my stomach when our eyes met and a slow smile stretched across his face.

  “Hello, Jayden,” he said softly. “Congratulations. These are for you.”

  “Hello,” I croaked. I took the roses from him and buried my nose in the beautiful blooms to give myself a moment to gather my wits. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, bu
t I needed to warn my family somehow.

  “What-What are you doing here?”

  His eyes roved over me taking in my billowing gown that hung unzipped now, showing off the new pink sundress I wore underneath. His grin widened at seeing the flip-flops I wore on my feet instead of heels like most of the female graduates.

  “Nice fashion statement,” he smiled.

  “They’re comfortable,” I shrugged defensively.

  My eyes darted around anxiously, but fortunately I still didn’t see my family anywhere. We had a designated location where we were supposed to meet after the graduation ceremony. They would be there by now waiting for me. I knew they probably thought I’d gotten caught up saying ‘goodbyes’

  but I didn’t want them to get worried if I took too long.

  Seeing him after all this time made me uncomfortable. There was so much unspoken between us and it was too late now. I didn’t know why he was here. I knew he was in touch with his family, but where I was concerned the rule was “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

  “I need to go. My family-” I let my excuse trail off.

  I moved to brush past him only to have him stop me with a hand on my arm. I stopped and looked down at his large, tanned hand. His calloused palms were rough against my skin. I tilted my face up to stare mesmerized by his blue eyes. Gone was the cold icy stare from before and in its place was the clear blue sky of a sunny day. They held a warmth and depth I’d never seen before.

  He had changed.

  He dropped his hand from my arm and stuck his hands in his jeans pockets. I felt a twinge of regret at the loss of his touch.

  “I’m not here to hurt you or cause trouble. I just wanted to be here to see you achieve your dream. I know how much this meant to you. I heard your family cheering when you were on stage. They must be very proud.”

  “They are,” I answered softly.

  “I’ve done a lot of thinking about everything I did wrong. Do you think-if I’d done it right from the beginning we could have made it work?”