Helmut Goes Abroad

by Matt Sheehan

  She seemed a bit surprised by my response. Probably because it was a bald-faced lie, but I really did try to sell it.

  “What if you sent her a little letter or something, apologizing to her and asking forgiveness?”

  Now that would have been pushing it. Besides, I was the victim of her clumsy lovemaking. She should have been sending me an apology card. Somehow, I kept that internal as well. Instead I told her I would think about it, but not to hold her breath. She glared at me on her way out, but it was a milder glare than I am used to, and she didn’t slam the door. Progress I suppose.

  * * *

  Shortly thereafter Shamus came down the stairs looking only slightly more presentable than before.

  “Is Phoebe still here?”

  “No, she just left. You know, you should really let her have some closet space. Hell, you should probably just propose to her now.”

  “Really? I was thinking maybe I should keep my options open. I mean, she’s great and all, but I’m still young, right?”

  It was all I could do not to laugh. The clothes he was wearing looked, and slightly smelled, like they should have been laundered last week. His hair was an unruly mop on his pale head, and even if he gained five kilos, little old ladies would still want to sit him down and make sure he ate a good meal. Phoebe was a two-meter-tall goddess who thought he was worth keeping. I somehow held down all the obnoxious things I felt needed saying.

  “Buddy, Phoebe is a catch. A once-in-a-lifetime catch. If you let her go because you think there’s something better out there, you’re a fool. And she might kick your ass.”

  He thought about it for a minute and then nodded his head. “Those are two good points. I’ll have to think about it a bit.”

  “You do that. Ramón’s gonna be here in a bit. You’re not gonna bring out that devil’s brew again are you?”

  He just smiled.

  “Fine, whatever. Listen, we need to talk about what’s going to happen with this favor we’re doing.”

  He gave me the look he saves for when he thinks I’m being dense. Saves may not be the right word since I get it a lot.

  “I get a reading off the arm, give Ramón the scoop and the day is saved.”

  “That’s it, huh? Where do you think the big bad is hiding out?”

  He rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. He still thought I was the one being dense. “Likely someplace we’ve never been. How are your map-drawing skills?”

  “It’s not like I’ll be able to pinpoint him that precisely.”

  Almost there.

  “Yes, I know that Sha, and Ramón likely does too. So what do you think he is hoping that we will do for him?”

  Finally the attic light went on. “He doesn’t think I would go with him, does he?”

  “No, he thinks we will go with him.”

  I could tell Shamus was beginning to panic a bit, because he started to pace around the room and mumble to himself. In hindsight, I should have let him have a drink or two before discussing it. Finally he asked me, “What should I do?”

  “Draw him a map, and tell him it’s a good one.” He gave me an exasperated look. “Okay, then tell him the arm’s too old to give a good reading. I don’t know. Pick whichever lie you like the best. The only other option is a whole bunch of fresh air on the other side of the world.”

  He didn’t seem happy with any of the choices, and I certainly couldn’t blame him. Neither one of us wanted to disappoint Ramón, but at the same time we weren’t looking for a dangerous adventure abroad.

  Our discussion was cut short by Willie’s barking—followed quickly by growling—coming from the front porch. I hurried to the door and opened it to find Ramón and Willie locked in a staring contest. Nothing happened for a few seconds, then Willie’s tail dropped between his legs and he ran past me and up the stairs toward Sha’s room.

  Shamus missed the staring but caught the dog’s reaction. He asked no one in particular, “What’s wrong with Willie? He looked scared.”

  Ramón just shrugged and answered, “I really couldn’t say. He seems a bit temperamental.” He was carrying a big duffel bag, and he gestured to it as he said, “I’ve got the wee appendage. Where do you want it?”

  I answered, “Why don’t we go to the conference room? We’ll have plenty of space in there.”

  Shamus looked like he wanted to console the dog, but after a loud sigh and a shake of his head, he followed Ramón and me into the conference room. There were no drinks or snacks this time. We were on the clock.

  Ramón opened up the bag, pulled out the huge bronze arm and placed it gently on the table. Shamus didn’t immediately move to touch it. He just stood and stared at it a bit. I gestured Ramón to a chair and put a finger over my lips for quiet. We both sat down and let Shamus do his thing.

  Minutes passed and he continued to just look at the disembodied arm. Just when I was getting impatient and starting to contemplate hitting him with it, he finally walked over to it and lightly stroked a finger across its shiny surface. After a few seconds of that he pulled his hand away and flicked his fingers out a few times as if to dislodge some unseen residue off of them.

  He looked at me and then over at Ramón. I could see the gears in his head turning, but I wasn’t sure exactly what was he was thinking. If I’d known, I would have tried to find an inconspicuous way of stopping him. Maybe say he needed time to sort out what he saw. Any excuse to clear Ramón out of the room for a bit would have been fine. He opened his mouth to say something, then stopped and looked at me again. As he did he put his hand fully on the arm.

  That’s when I knew we had accepted Ramón’s case.

  Chapter Seven

  Nothing really happened for a while. Shamus stood with his right hand on the severed limb, blinking at uneven intervals and breathing shallow breaths for some time. Ramón’s eyes never left Shamus, as far as I could tell.

  Truth be told, I got bored and my mind wandered a bit. I was thinking back to the night before with Katina, and was just getting to the really good part, when Ramón bounded out of his chair and caught Shamus as he fell toward the floor.

  “You all right, my man?”

  “Yeah, I’m okay, just a bit light-headed. Lucky for me you were here.” He glared at me as he said it, and I gave him my most apologetic look. It’s my job to keep him safe while he’s in a trance, but Katina kept me up late the night before, and anyway, it’s hard to watch someone do nothing for twenty minutes and stay alert. Granted, Ramón did it, but he was excited about the potential outcome, and I was just dreading it.

  Shamus sat down and quickly ran his fingers through his mop of thick hair a few times, then leaned back and put his feet up on the table, tipped his head back and fell fast asleep. I motioned to Ramón to follow me, and I led him into the kitchen. Once there, I started filling a tray with cheese, smoked sausage, crackers and bottles of beer.

  “Is he going to be all right?”

  “He’ll be fine after a quick nap and some snacks. That was a full day’s work for him.”

  Back in the conference room we found Shamus awake and spinning the bronze arm in circles at the center of the table.

  “I thought I’d have to wake you.” I put the tray down in front of him. Ramón looked like he was going to start in on him, but I shook him off. I have a system and it works. Shamus drained half a beer and had started in on the sausage before I even sat down.

  In between mouthfuls Shamus said, “I wasn’t sleeping, I was meditating.”

  “Did you know you snore when you meditate?”

  Shamus sneered in my general direction but otherwise ignored me until he was through with his snacks. After the food was demolished and a fresh beer was in hand, he sat back with a resigned look on his face. I nodded to Ramón, who had been chomping at the bit sinc
e Shamus had finished the reading, and he happily got the ball rolling.

  “So, Shamus, what did you see? Do you know where he is?”

  “Those are two very different questions. I saw lots of things...” At this point he remembered he was talking to Ramón and not me, and whatever smart-ass nonsense he was planning on saying he swallowed. “But anyway, I don’t need to bore you with the details.” Then he stared at me, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew where to find Magnus. He was almost bouncing out of his skin, he was so excited. I just sighed and nodded.

  “It was actually quite exhilarating, although a bit disorienting at first as well. I could feel the arm pulling at me when I was touching it, and once I grabbed ahold of it, I felt like I was being sucked into a vortex. Everything was foggy for a bit, and when it cleared, I didn’t recognize my surroundings. It took me a minute to realize that I was seeing through his eyes.”

  Ramón smiled and asked excitedly, “Was he alone? Do you know where he is?”

  “He wasn’t alone. He was with a bunch of other giants. I tried to look around to find something that would tell me where he was, but his gaze kept drifting back to where his missing arm should have been. In the end, he was just staring at the stump and I couldn’t turn his head any longer. He may have known someone was rattling around in his brain, or maybe it was just his subconscious mind trying to take back control.”

  “Can you go back in? Try again.”

  Shamus shook his head. “I tried while you guys were in the other room. I couldn’t break through. I might be able to use it to find him though, if we can get closer.”

  I asked him, “Any idea where closer might be?”

  He shrugged. “The Mediterranean, maybe?”

  “Would a map help?”

  Another shrug. I went and got the globe out of the entry room and brought it back to the table. Shamus looked at it for quite some time. Then he spun the globe. Lazily at first, and then faster and faster. Then he closed his eyes, stuck out his finger and stopped the globe.

  “That’s it...more or less.”

  Ramón said, “That’s Canaan. It’s as good a place as any I suppose, but are you sure?”

  He obviously didn’t have a lot of faith in the spinning-globe method, and I didn’t blame him. I had just seen this kind of nonsense work so often that I tended to take it for granted. I spun the globe and said to Shamus, “Try it again.”

  He closed his eyes, stuck out his finger and put it on the same spot. Ramón took a turn spinning it as well with the same result. Then he spun Shamus and the globe around, but again, Canaan. After that Ramón was a little less wary.

  “Well, Shamus, this is a great start, but Canaan is a big place. Is there any way to firm up the location a little bit? Maybe if we used a more detailed map of Canaan?”

  Shamus just shrugged again, even more noncommittally than before. There is an art to the translation of Sha’s shrugs, and I am a master. We both knew where this was headed, but Shamus gave the map idea a try anyway. Ramón had thought ahead and brought a collection of world maps with him. We found a fairly detailed one of Canaan and we spread it out over the table.

  We looked at Shamus and he made a face that was not meant to inspire confidence, but he did finally look the map a fleeting glance.

  “Yeah, I dunno.”

  Ramón stayed patient. “What if you held the arm and tried?”

  Shamus sighed very loudly but did grab the arm and try again. He looked closely at a few spots, but finally shook his head and put the arm down. “Everywhere I look just makes me feel like I’m standing in a crowd.”

  Ramón thought there was more coming, but I knew better. Shamus flipped on the radio in the corner, sat down as far away from the map as he could and started listening to the futbol game. He was just about done. I decided to ask the final question and seal our fate.

  “Hey, buddy, if we were in Canaan, could you find him?”

  “Of course I could. You know that.”

  Ramón said, “I really was hoping that wouldn’t be the case. That’s why I brought so many maps.”

  “So what’s the plan? The three of us going door-to-door looking for necromancers?”

  The sarcasm rolled off his back. “Not hardly, brother. I’ll have a team meet us there.” He looked over at Shamus, who purposefully had his back to us, and asked, “How close do you need to be, Shamus? We need some idea where to start.”

  “The Mediterranean, maybe. I don’t know. It’s not like I get asked to find people on the other side of the world every day. Oh—” he spun in the chair to look at us, “—I’m not going without Willie. And we may need to make a stop in Cork on the way home.” He turned his back on us again.

  “I think he feels more comfortable around you now, Ramón.”

  “I’m used to temperamental assets. All I care about is finding those bones. Are you okay with this, Helmut? I realize I’m asking a lot.”

  “I owe you a lot. But I may ask for one favor as well.”

  “Name it.”

  “We never got to weapon training, and it’s recently become illegal to carry a firearm. I can carry a knife or a baton.”

  His smile was the only answer I needed. Ramón left to make preparations, while Shamus and I were tasked with packing and saying goodbye to our significant others. We were told to bring enough clothes for about a week on the ship and that we would be supplied with less-conspicuous attire when we arrived.

  Canaan was an occupied territory, and as a result their contact with the free world was pretty limited. Clothes made from anything other than yak wool would have probably caused panic in the streets.

  I went home to pack, then over to Katina’s to break the news to her. Apparently when Shamus informed Phoebe of our coming adventure, she was supportive and understanding. It didn’t quite go so swimmingly for me.

  Chapter Eight

  “You’re going where?”

  “Somewhere in Canaan. Shamus won’t know for sure until we’re closer.”

  She was mad. Her face was flushed and she was breathing heavy. She actually looked pretty good, but the time wasn’t right.

  “Why the hell would you agree to that?”

  “Trust me, I didn’t come to the decision lightly. Initially I wasn’t going to. But I owe him, and Shamus was willing to help.”

  “He taught you how to fight, so you have to risk your life and your friend hunting fugitives in some occupied third world country?”

  “He didn’t just teach me how to fight. He made me the man I am today.”

  “I don’t think you give yourself enough credit.”

  I give myself plenty of credit, but I’m also realistic. I’m as confident as I am because I know I can back it up. I can back it up because Ramón taught me how to throw down. Simple as that.

  I stayed with her that night, but all we did was sleep. I finally experienced what it was like to be married. She said she was tired and had to get up early, but she was angry and I ended up disappointed. The man going off on a dangerous mission is supposed to have crazy passionate quality time with his main squeeze, not arguments and a full night’s slumber.

  I woke up first and split. I didn’t even bother sticking around to make her breakfast. It was about this time I decided to go all out on the coming trip. Maybe try to get a different girl in each port. If that didn’t raise my spirits, I figured nothing would.

  Since it was early, I decided to go back to the office and cook up whatever was left in the fridge for Sha and me before we left. When I got there, I was surprised to find that Shamus had beaten me to it. He was just putting the eggs and breakfast meats on the table when I walked in.

  “I figured you could use a good meal after your rough night.”

  “What do you mean? I had a wonderful n
ight.”

  He just made a face at me.

  “What are you doing up this early anyway?”

  “Phoebe and I never went to bed. We...” He blushed and looked at the ground. “You know, and then we stayed up and watched the sun come up.”

  I just had to smile. A year ago he would have spent the night spooning with Willie. “Where is she now?”

  “She got called in on something this morning, but she promised to see me off at the pier.”

  “Then why is there a third place setting?”

  “I’m so glad you asked.” He whistled loudly, and moments later Willie came in wearing a navy blue sweater and knit cap. He climbed into the empty chair and sat still while a napkin was tucked in his collar. Then Shamus proceeded to feed him breakfast with a fork. After Willie had daintily mouthed the sausage off the fork, Sha looked at me and asked, “What do you think?”

  “Where to start. The fork thing...” All I could muster was my smile that makes it look like I’m in pain. Apparently that was enough.

  “Great, right? Now he can sit with us on our trip and not feel out of place. Phoebe knitted him the outfit so he’ll be warm on the open sea.”

  “Yeah, that’s great. I was incredibly worried about both those things. By the way, why are we stopping in Cork on the way home? You miss your parents?”

  The incredulous look he gave me was meant to convey that he did not miss them.

  “So what is it then?”

  He smiled and shrugged, but didn’t offer an answer.

  “Fine, whatever. Say, what’s in that platter?”

  It was sitting at the end of the table, covered with a sheet of tinfoil. I found myself nervous, as I hoped that it was what I thought it was. We already had eggs and the multiple pork products that constitute a full Eirish breakfast, so I had no right to hold out hope for more; but I did anyway. Shamus pulled the foil off the platter with a flourish, and what I saw brought a tear to my eye. Golden brown fried goodness. Sha’s unparalleled potato pancakes.

  “Shamus, I could kiss you.”

  “I’ll consider it payment in full if you don’t. We had to clean out the fridge anyway.”