Helmut Goes Abroad

by Matt Sheehan

  “What we did find out is that it’s common for fishing trawlers to go into port in Tyre and sell their catch. The good news is Ramón found a captain who’s contracted to sell his next haul in Tyre. The—” he paused and sighed, “—unfortunate news is that we will be acting as the ship’s crew.” He explained, “The trawler doesn’t have room for all of us and a separate full workforce, so we will be expected to pitch in.

  “Once we’re in port, we’ll slip off the boat and track down Magnus. The captain says it’s usual for him and his crew to remain in port for a few days of what sounds like drunken debauchery, which should give us all the time we need to get in and get out.”

  Shamus said, “I like fishing. Even if the fish aren’t biting, it’s a great excuse to hang out and drink beer.”

  Hector added, “I like the drinking beer part too, but I hate putting the worm on the line. It seems so cruel.”

  Shamus nodded his agreement, but before he could say more, Ramón interrupted. “This won’t be that kind of fishing, you two. These boats use nets out on beams to dredge the water and catch fish in bulk. We won’t be the only ones there. The captain will have a skeleton crew that knows how to fish. We will just be expected to lend a hand.”

  No one seemed particularly happy about the arrangement, but it didn’t sound like there was any alternative. A bit later, Nero returned with a few musty-smelling bags that contained some of the ugliest clothing I had ever seen. Everyone got three pairs of pants and three shirts in colors that matched the animals that had originally donated the material. The stitching looked like it was done by hand, possibly by a blind person, in the quality you would expect in the sacks used to carry potatoes.

  We each packed one bag with our ugly new clothes and an all-black outfit with woven body armor in vital places, as well as undergarments and toiletries, then piled in the car for the short and uneventful drive to the docks.

  Once we were there, Alek led us through a maze of plankways filled with docked boats and busy sailors. We ended up in front of a blue-and-white-painted boat with an aft wheelhouse and outriggers in the front. It was bigger than I expected, maybe twenty or twenty-five meters, which eased some of my concerns about being seasick the whole trip.

  After stepping on board, I was hit with the overpowering smell of fish. With that and the constant rocking of the boat, my concerns about seasickness returned. We met Captain Roberts and his first mate Dan, and if anything, the smell was even worse on them than it was on the deck of the boat.

  The captain, who was more than two meters tall with a thick build and an even thicker black beard, called us landlubbers or scallywags or something like that in a heavily accented Gaelic and explained that we would have to pull our own weight on this trip. Shamus asked to see his room and inquired about the dinner menu, at which point Ramón stepped in with a heavy purse, and we were quickly guided belowdecks by Dan.

  “Don’t you worry none about the captain. He talks tough, but it’s rare that he ever gets violent. He may throw someone overboard every once in a while...” He looked at Shamus. “You can swim, right?”

  Shamus nodded.

  “Well, see, it will be just fine.”

  We came down a set of stairs and saw a man who was almost as wide as the captain was tall studying a map that was spread out on a large wooden table.

  “This is Likos, our cook, navigator...what else do you do, Likos?”

  He didn’t look up. “Whatever needs doing.”

  “He’s a bit of an amateur Druid as well. He helps keep the seas calm and the fog away.”

  We left Likos to his maps and moved on to the crew quarters.

  Dan continued, “He’s not much for talking, and he always has his nose in some book, but he’s an excellent cook.”

  He brought us to a small room with a line of cots and not much else. “This is where you sleep and stow your gear. That’s it for the tour. You’ve got five minutes, then I’ll need you back on deck to help us get underway.”

  There wasn’t much in the way of difference between the cots, so we all just grabbed whatever was closest. Willie stepped up on one and circled a few times, but instead of lying down he just stood there and whined.

  Shamus spoke for the group. “This sucks. I hate this trip already. And look at poor Willie. He can’t even get comfortable.”

  Alek said, “We may as well make the best of it. It’s only for a few days at most, and anyway, it’s quite the opportunity to be able to live the life of a deep-sea fisherman.”

  We all just stared at him.

  After a moment he continued, “Right. Now let’s go back up top and see what there is to learn.”

  Just then Ramón walked in and looked around. “This place sucks.”

  Shamus raised his hands in a sign of agreement. Alek sighed and left the room, and we followed him.

  Likos was still at the table, and Shamus stopped to talk to him while the rest of us went topside. Once we were there, the captain bellowed at us about nautical terms and various ship’s procedures. Five minutes in Shamus and Willie came out of the wheelhouse and joined our little group. The captain stopped in midsentence and just glared at him.

  Finally Shamus asked, “Did I miss anything?”

  The captain’s mouth hung open and he glared a few beats before answering. “Did you miss anything?”

  Shamus nodded.

  “Yes, lad, you missed all sorts of things.”

  “Do you mind going over it again?” Shamus said. The captain looked like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “But first, do you have a life jacket for Willie? He’s not really a strong swimmer, and he would be much more comfortable about his situation if he had a flotation device of some kind.”

  Captain Roberts threw his hands up in the air and stormed off, but not before putting Dan in charge of the rest of our training. Dan was much more patient and did his best to explain to us how the outriggers and beam trawls worked, the various types of nets used and where the fish would be stored.

  Ramón, Nero and I took to the training pretty well. Alek and Hector, not so much. Shamus didn’t even try. He spent most of the time watching the seabirds and petting Willie. When we got underway, Nero and I lowered the beams into position, and then we all got a crash course in nautical knots from Dan.

  That done, we had a few hours to burn until we were closer to our first fishing location. We spent the time in the galley, drinking coffee and snacking on pickled herring. I was surprised at how quickly I adapted to the constant swaying of the ship. Alek, on the other hand, took one whiff of the pickled herring and spent the next half hour bent over the side of the boat.

  I was just getting good and comfortable when Dan came down and told us all hands were needed on deck.

  Shamus asked, “All paws too?”

  I’m pretty sure Dan heard him—he had this facial tick that seemed to occur when Shamus was speaking—but he acted like he didn’t.

  Shamus had waited around for about an hour for someone to bring a life preserver for Willie, until I finally told him he would end up waiting forever. After that the two of them disappeared for a while, and when they returned, Willie was wearing his very own life jacket. His front legs came out the arm holes, and the whole thing was held in place with most of a roll of duct tape. Even with the tape, I could clearly see the words First Mate on the back of the jacket.

  All hands and paws reported above deck and took instructions from Dan. When he saw his life preserver on the dog, he did that facial tick thingy but otherwise didn’t mention it. We were all given instructions and followed them to the best of our individual abilities. Which is to say some of us did what we were told to do, and some of us completely flubbed our assignments.

  Shamus in particular had the easiest assignment: untie a knot and feed the line to Hector. Now there’s no telling
how Hector would have done with his part of the assignment because he never got the chance to perform. The rope was tied in a simple knot that Dan had gone over with us earlier, but of course Sha hadn’t paid any attention.

  I didn’t see the beginning of the fiasco because I was busy doing my own job. I can only assume that Sha tugged on the wrong line initially. By the time I looked to see why our net wasn’t ready, Shamus was kicking at the knot and Willie was chewing and pulling on the lead that was making the knot tighter.

  That was about the time the captain came out to see why only one of the nets was in the water. I was afraid that he would cast Shamus in the ocean before I could get there. I was holding a tightly wound cable that was ready to be hooked to the net, and I wasn’t sure what would happen if I let go. We were all about to find out when Hector stepped between the mountain of a man and Shamus’s turned back, and shook his head no.

  Captain Roberts wasn’t used to being challenged on his own boat, let alone by someone much smaller. Hector could have cleaned the deck with him, but that wasn’t really part of the plan. Roberts looked around at all the unfriendly eyes and seemed to weigh his odds before yelling, “Get him out of my way!”

  Hector grabbed Sha, who was in midfutbol-style kick, and moved him aside. Willie saw the giant bearing down on him and must have decided pulling on that rope wasn’t very important anymore. After one tug from Roberts, the knot gave way and he dragged the net to my waiting cable. Within minutes both nets were in the water.

  The giant turned back toward Shamus, who was slowly becoming aware that there had been some sort of problem and that, possibly, it had been all his doing. Roberts was breathing hard, much harder than he should have been from the exertion. My fear at this point was that he would have a heart attack.

  “I want him off my deck.” He pointed a shaking finger at Sha.

  Shamus, who doesn’t know when to shut his trap, said, “That’s fine. I could use a beer anyway.”

  The giant roared, “No beer for you! I’ll feed your worthless carcass, but not one drop of my ale will touch your lips.” He looked from face to face. “I swear, anyone gives him beer and I’ll turn this boat right around. I don’t care what it costs me.”

  Then Shamus was sorry, but it was too late. Ramón found the whole thing hilarious but promised the captain we would comply with his demands. Satisfied, the captain went back to his boathouse. Dan made sure to get Willie and Sha down below and to let Likos know to keep the beer under lock and key.

  I didn’t see Shamus the rest of the day because the team and I were on deck working the nets and storing the catch. It seemed like a lot of fish to me, but the captain and first mate were very disappointed with the results. We were disappointed as well because we wouldn’t be docking in Tyre until the holds were full.

  That evening, Shamus took the news in stride.

  “I’m not going to make it, Helmut. I need a drink of something other than water. They don’t even have whiskey on this lousy boat.”

  “That’s because they don’t want the crew doing a dangerous job drunk. You should have just paid attention and pitched in like everyone else. Even Alek, who seems to have an aversion to getting dirty, did a decent job.”

  Shamus just waved his hand dismissively at me. He took a small sip of his water and made a face.

  “I’m gonna turn in early. It’s been a long day.”

  He meant a long day without alcohol. He hadn’t actually done anything.

  Shamus continued, “Tomorrow I’ll get together with Likos and fix this whole thing.”

  He wouldn’t elaborate, and after choking down his glass of water he went to bed. The rest of us weren’t far behind him. We had actually worked all day, and even though the cots weren’t particularly comfortable, I was asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

  Chapter Sixteen

  I woke up alone in an uncomfortable bed to a cacophony of male snoring. My muscles were sore, and I really wasn’t looking forward to putting in another day on deck.

  I was surprised to find Shamus’s and Willie’s cots empty. Neither one of them was an early riser, but Sha had said he had some sort of plan. I’d just assumed it involved stealing beer from the storeroom.

  The galley was empty, and after a bit of searching, I found Likos and Shamus topside. They were both staring at a seabird that was perched on a rail next to them. I stayed back until the bird flew off, then walked over to join them. Willie was lying at Sha’s feet and gave a lazy growl in my general direction. That done, he proceeded to ignore me. Stupid dog.

  “Hey, Helmut. I told you I would solve this problem.”

  “By talking to birds?”

  Shamus rolled his eyes at me. Likos answered for him.

  “It’s rather obvious. I am a bit disgusted at myself for not having thought of it.” He must have expected the answer to come to me as well, but it didn’t. He finally answered in a tone that implied that it should have been obvious. “The birds know where the fish are.”

  I must have had a blank look on my face because after a moment he continued.

  “The birds eat fish. If they didn’t know where they were, they would starve. It was good of Shamus to teach me how to speak with them.”

  “I didn’t actually see you guys saying anything.”

  They both just stared at me for a few moments.

  Likos finally said, “Well, as you know, birds can’t speak, and they don’t understand our language...”

  “Oh, of course. I get it.” I didn’t, but then I really didn’t care how they did their little trick. I just welcomed anything that would get us off that boat sooner.

  We had a breakfast that was surprisingly good, considering that it came from a small galley with limited supplies. Likos grew his own herbs and used them well. The saying is, never trust a skinny cook, and Likos was the exact opposite of skinny.

  After breakfast Captain Roberts and Likos had a long conversation behind closed doors regarding the efficacy of taking instructions from birds. I couldn’t hear Likos’s side of the conversation, but the captain’s words traveled through the thin walls just fine. At least at first. Eventually he stopped yelling, and a few minutes later he came out of the room and started barking orders.

  The engines were fired up, the nets prepped and we chugged along in a northeasterly direction for a little over an hour. It wasn’t long after spotting a flock of seabirds that Dan was able to find a large school of herring.

  Shamus asked Dan how long the process would take now that we had found the fish, and we were all a bit surprised by the answer.

  “Well now, probably a day or two. We’ve got to corral the fish, you see, and we’ll have to make quite a few passes. After each pass we have to empty the nets and start over again.”

  Shamus took the news poorly and decided to take matters into his own hands. He went off to talk with Likos at the front of the boat while the rest of us worked the winches and got everything ready for our first pass.

  We all began to notice that something was up when the water started getting choppy and dark clouds rolled in. I think Captain Roberts came out to yell at Likos, probably expecting him to clear up the weather, but before he had a chance, Shamus pointed at the sea and a long bolt of lightning arced from the cloud above to the water in front of the boat. The resulting thunder was instantaneous and deafening, and the captain took that as a sign to find shelter in his wheelhouse.

  After a few moments the water in front of the boat started to fill with fish. It must not have been enough for Sha’s taste because he called down five more bolts before all was said and done. The resulting mass of fish was incredible. After that, the seas calmed down and the clouds rolled back out.

  Once it was safe to be the tallest person on deck, Captain Roberts returned from his self-imposed exile. His jaw was hanging open as
he stared at all the fish floating in the water around the boat.

  Shamus told him, “Most of the fish aren’t dead, they’re just stunned. You might want to scoop them up before they come to and swim away.”

  The giant just nodded, and Dan gave us our orders. As the captain continued to stand and stare, Dan went to the wheelhouse and got the boat moving himself.

  Shamus took the opportunity to renegotiate their current arrangement. He told the captain in no uncertain terms, “I want some beer. And I want Likos—if he doesn’t mind, of course—to fry me up a few fish fillets and a pile of potato wedges. This kind of thing makes me famished.”

  Likos said, “I’d be happy to, my good man.”

  Captain Roberts seemed to snap out of it a little. His voice was soft and calm when he spoke to Shamus. “Of course, lad. Drink all the beer you like. Likos, cook the man as much as he wants of whatever he wants.” Then he looked at us, and a little of the steel came back to his voice. “The rest of you get back to work. We have fish to catch.”

  He took his place back behind the wheel and sent Dan out to oversee us amateurs. It took a few hours of hard work, but we hauled in all of the fish and packed them on ice in the holds below.

  After the work was done, we retired to the galley, where Shamus was feeling no pain and yucking it up with Likos. Upon seeing us filing in, Likos excused himself and got to work cooking the rest of us lunch.

  Shamus said, “That Likos is an interesting character. Did you know he breeds orchids in his cabin?”

  “I know something a lot more interesting than that. Like when we get off this boat.”

  “I don’t mind it so much anymore,” he said as he drained his beer. “But having a real bed would be nice.”

  “There is a finite amount of beer on this boat.”

  “Good point. So when do we get to Tyre?”

  “By morning. One more night on the cots.”