by Piper Bee
“I know. I get that.” Shut up.
She sniffles. “The point is that he turned them all down. He’s not a player. So, like, I just don’t want you to get hurt because, you know, he’s sweet and everything. If Jin actually likes someone…”
The next words out of her mouth are basically slow-motion. Here’s a bona fide expert on Jin Park, about to tell me what he’s made of. If he actually likes me.
“…he’s obvious. And by then he’s serious.” She takes a deep breath and wipes her cheek again. “Being friendly is, like, his default.”
He’s obvious. And by then he’s serious.
I fake a knowing nod. I have to pretend like her words didn’t just send my heart beating into a frenzy.
Jin was certainly obvious. Kissing-me-three-times obvious.
Miraculously, I speak monotone. “Okay, well. Thanks for the info. Still gotta pee.”
“Oh God, sorry!” she says, and she turns around to walk back to the movie, but she stops. “Hey, Joy?”
I crack the door open and turn to her. “Yeah?”
“I just… I care about you. Other than him, you’re my only real friend.”
I feel like I’m punched in the gut. Lena’s only real friends are conspiring to break her heart.
Locked in the bathroom, I pull out my phone. There’s at least one variable I can try to control.
JB: Let’s talk tomorrow, I’ll tell you everything
JB: I just don’t want the pic to hurt my only friends
CB: K, I’ll listen
TRACK 20 - FEEL IT TWICE
STILL JULY 19TH
Well, this is an unexpected turn of events. Cale’s leaving. Tomorrow.
Cale stuffs his backpack full of crumpled t-shirts and attempts to zip it up, without success. I lean against the doorway to his and Jin’s shared room, trying to decide if I should make the effort to break off our deal or wait until I see him again.
After the movie, I came upstairs to eat some leftover tacos (you know, proper food) and asked Cale if we could talk. He told me he still had to pack and the whole intended conversation got derailed.
“Why are you leaving tomorrow?” I ask him as I watch him fumble with his belongings. Jin’s bed is the neat one, looking as if he never slept in it. Cale’s looks like a failed omelet flip.
He pauses packing. “My mom only let me come because it’s halfway to my sister’s wedding. Can’t believe she’s gettin’ hitched tomorrow.” He wipes a false tear. “They grow up so fast!”
“Isn’t she older than you?”
“Not the point!” He points at me for a second. Then goes back to frantic stuff-gathering. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I would have taken you as a plus one but Dee’s keepin’ it small.”
Now it’s like he’s not even trying to cover up that it’s me. I’m worried that breaking things off could sour his sister’s wedding. My hesitation, with the butterflies fluttering in my still empty stomach, make me wonder if my feelings are also more than just fake.
I’m so confused. But I came here for a reason.
“So what did you wanna talk about?” he asks.
I open my mouth but can’t speak. I want Cale to be happy so much it hurts. I’d give up the car, if it would keep that silly demeanor chugging on. I guess he must want me to be happy too, since he actually did give me his car.
“Oh, nothing serious. Just wondering if you were going on the jet skis tomorrow, but…”
I sigh. Lying doesn’t ease the butterflies at all.
“If I wasn’t heading off very first thing, I’d sip iced tea and watch Jin and Lena wipe out all day long with you, Almond Joy.”
Cale snaps his fingers when something else occurs to him. “Hey, but we got Carson’s practice game next week, right? Your mom said I should go with you.”
I stiffen. “Wait up, my mom told you about Carson’s game? She didn’t even tell me.”
“Oh, really?” Cale looks worried, but a sly smile curls on his lips. “Am I becoming a favorite?”
“Trust me, Carson has a monopoly on ‘favorite.’” I should try not to sound so bitter in front of Cale, but being polite seems like an excessive burden. Carson literally threw my suitcase at a wall and broke his phone because I was “keeping something” from him, but he can’t tell me that he’s playing again? And Mom assumes I’m able and willing to go?
Cale furrows his brow in my direction. “Hey, you okay?”
I meet his round, gentle eyes. He can tell that I’m not.
“We don’t have to go, Joy. I know things get tense with your brother.”
I sigh. “No, I’ll go. I don’t really have a choice.”
“Of course you have a choice,” he argues, like it’s simple and there’s nothing more to it.
Cale doesn’t get it. I know I have a choice, but the worse choice is not going. That choice would mean Carson would get God-knows-how angry. Since Mom babies him and Dad ignores him like he does everything else, I would have zero support in that decision. Except maybe from Cale, but he’s got a wimpy track record with my brother. Not to mention that I’m the sister. Siblings are the only people who can really get it when life hands you a bad card.
I have to choose going.
I clear my throat. “No. I want to support Carson, I’m just annoyed I found out secondhand. That’s all.”
Cale’s busy hands give up on his overstuffed backpack. He walks over to me carrying the scent of his laundry detergent. My eyes strain looking up at him, he’s so much taller than me.
And then he puts his finger on my chin.
“Look up, Joy,” he says. And he’s smiling, like he’s taking the gentle approach to cheer me up for a change.
Don’t do this, Cale. Don’t kiss me.
Along the soft edges of his features, his skin glows and I wonder if I should’ve been honest. Almost every second of the day, Cale is kind and thoughtful and hilarious. He’s so good.
Why can’t I tell him about Jin? Even now I’m wondering what Jin is doing, what he’s thinking. I don’t want him to catch sight of me and Cale.
I pull my chin from his finger, which lingers in the air like a tree branch that’s lost a blossom.
“You don’t have to worry about me, Cale Salad,” I tell him, grabbing the crutches that lean against the wall. I hobble off, still pondering these butterflies. They’re there, but they dwindle.
I don’t think I’m sparing Cale because I’m falling for him. I think it’s because I’m loyal to him. Maybe a romantic spark could’ve started with that before Jin.
But I’m not before Jin anymore.
When I enter the living room, I find Jin sitting on the couch next to Lena. He looks up with hidden hopefulness. Before I can give him a sorrowful, bare shake of my head, Lena looks up from her magazine. “Everything cool?” she asks.
I try to sound happy, but not too happy so Jin doesn’t think we’re in the clear. Because we are not. “Yeah, but I’m gonna go to bed. I’m pretty wiped.”
Jin gets off the couch. “Let me help you.”
“I got her, Jin!” Lena says, quite literally shoving him down into the leather. “God, do you always have to be so chivalrous?” Her tone is like a grapefruit: kinda sweet, kinda bitter.
Neither of us resist her. Maybe Jin feels the same way about telling Lena as I do about Cale. It’s so hard to ignore that I’m crazy about him.
I doubt I’ll be able to sleep much.
♫
July 20th
I did sleep. Minimally. By the time I check my phone and see that it’s just past five in the morning, I can’t get back to sleep.
Jin texted me last night.
JP: So, you talked to Cale… How’d that go?
My fingers wake up before my brain does.
JB: We talked about my brother. And no other subject, unfortunately.
I know he’s not going to read it yet, but I owed him that much.
Lena is still snoring like a dainty pug. It’s as go
od a time as any to get out of bed and test my ankle.
Better. Still aching like someone took a nail file to the muscle, but better.
I’m parched. Orange juice is calling my name. I discover I can hop up the stairs one-legged. The living room is dressed in a nice shade of robin’s egg blue, light enough to see everything.
I bounce over to the armchair and rest my overworked healthy leg. Is it too early for Jin to be up?
As soon as I hear faint footsteps, I have my answer. Seeing him sets my heart smoldering like a campfire. His mussed hair, foggy eyes, wearing that same plain t-shirt crumpled a bit from sleep. I want to kiss him again. And run my fingers along the nape of his neck. And sing to him under the sky and watch the sunset on a Ferris wheel and listen to him talk about his childhood.
I’m bombarded by these desires crashing together like bursts of fireworks. I love it.
“Morning, Joy.” He grins and his eyes tell me he feels it, too.
I respond with a similar grin. “Morning, Jin.”
As he walks past me, he catches a bit of my hair and lets it slide through his fingers in the sexiest way possible. His eyes linger on mine, even though he walks farther away.
It almost aches to watch him pour juice from a carafe into a glass.
“You hungry?” he says.
“Oh, always.”
My answer makes him laugh a little. He pours a second glass and puts the juice back, then brings it over to me.
“For your effort,” he says. There’s a sad smile.
I don’t take the glass. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He stretches his juice offering out more and I take it. “I know it’s not easy to break news.”
Jin averts his eyes. He must be struggling with letting Lena know. How can I blame him?
“Eggs?” he asks, heading back to the kitchen.
I sip my juice and give it a thought. “French toast?”
“Whoa, that’s a bit romantic. What will our moms think?” He smirks and I laugh thinking of when I took over making French toast for him.
We have inside jokes. Me and Jin. I could get used to that.
“What’s romantic?” Angela emerges from the hall. She pulls her black curls into a ponytail as she walks toward the kitchen.
My laugh halts. “Nothing,” I answer, trying to sound light.
“It’s a joke,” Jin says, sounding far lighter than I did.
“Because it’s French?” she asks, then reaches into the fridge to get the eggs.
Sheesh. She was totally eavesdropping.
“Yeah,” Jin says. Maybe it’s because I know him a little better now, but there’s a hint of reservation in his answer. He totally suspects that she was listening, too.
I’m actually happy when my mom’s clueless energy enters the open space and offers to whip up German style crepes instead of French toast. It’s weird that she’s up so early, but I’m not asking questions. Conflict-avoidance is my specialty these days.
We all end up at the dining table while my mom does her 1-2-3 crepe recipe: one cup of flour, two cups of milk, three eggs.
The others are a bit slower to rise. Jan-di is the first after about an hour, Lena about a half-hour after that. She doesn’t speak a word to me. Or to anyone else. She grunts for a mug of coffee as her first conversation of the day in exactly the same way her dad does.
As soon as she has her second cup, we’ll have the Lena we all know and love. Too bad she drinks it like a caffeine-addicted sloth. At least the conversation, or rather debate, the moms are having about the staying power of shiplap is riveting entertainment.
Finally, an hour later, Cale gets up. He practically darts into the living room like he’s hopped up on six shots of espresso.
“ImlateImlateImlate!!” He plucks a rolled up jelly crepe and it dangles out of his mouth while his backpack swings around on one shoulder. He slides his feet into his sneakers and takes the floppy crepe out of his mouth.
“I’d give a speech about how grateful I am for all this, but I’ve already wasted too much time explaining why I’m not giving a speech, so THANK YOU and GOOD DAY!”
This kid really needs to learn how to utilize the alarm feature on his phone.
Cale stuffs the crepe back in his mouth, cheeks full like a chipmunk’s.
We ring in a chorus of polite goodbyes. The door slams and leaves us in an awkward quiet.
Now that he’s gone, I regret putting off the conversation. Sometimes you don’t know if you made the right choice until there isn’t a choice anymore.
“Cale really is something, Joy,” my mom says with admiration. She glances at Jin’s empty coffee mug and offers to pour him more. With his mug in one hand and the coffee in the other, she says, “How do you like it?”
“Oh, I’ll take it how you like it, Mrs. Becker,” he says with an insane amount of charm.
Angela slices a bite of her crepe and lifts the fork just in front of her mouth. “Isn’t he just a dream, Karen?” She eyes him and bites. “I wonder why you’re still single.”
“Give break to my boy, Angela!” Jan-di says with her own mouthful of crepe.
“So, Joy, think you and Cale are gonna last?” Lena blurts out before blowing the steam off her coffee.
We all kind of stare in shock at her.
“I’m not sure where my daughter left her tact,” Angela says, “but I’m sure she just means to ask how things are going with you two.”
Sure. That’s why her comment was juxtaposed with the topic of Jin’s relationship status.
“Things are fine,” I answer safely. “We get along really well.”
“You must be kinda sad he’s gone now,” Lena says.
If only she knew why.
I stab my eggy pancake with my fork. “I don’t think I’m more upset than his mom would be if he missed his sister’s wedding, so I’m okay.”
“Oh,” she says, finally straightening her back from the gollum hunch she had over her coffee. “Well, I’m sad you’ll be missing out on the jet skis today.”
I sigh. Today is jet ski day.
Yay.
♫
Lena’s less snooty when we get to the rental shack. It’s probably because she gets to ride a jet ski with her arms around Jin.
Now I really regret running from him.
The moms decide they’ll take turns keeping me company (which is wildly unnecessary, but there is no talking these women down). The off-duty moms, starting with Jan-di and my mom, ride a tandem paddle boat.
This clear, 85-degree Saturday afternoon was apparently very tempting to the local population, because all of them are at this lake spot. Lots of little kids run around and squeal and cry. There’s an ice cream puddle on the pavement and hardly any sand peeking out from under all the laid out towels on the manufactured beach. I’m lounging in a fabric folding chair on the grassy section, failing to get lost in my book.
I can’t keep my eyes from wandering over to Jin in his navy swim trunks and bright orange life vest. His slight slouch is more obvious from this distance.
Maybe it’s just me, but that K-Pop idol of mine sure glitters in the sunshine.
Lena rides up on a sunflower yellow jet ski, wearing an apple red life vest. Her glistening skin reminds me of the shining coats of mustangs in classic paintings, especially with her high ponytail whipping behind her like a majestic tail.
Angela sits next to me, sipping an iced coffee through an emerald green straw and flipping through a magazine in the shade.
“The Parks are leaving early tomorrow. Yuno’s back from his business trip already,” Angela says, without even looking up, though it’s hard to tell what her eyes are doing under the wide sunglasses that cover half her face.
Yuno. Jin’s dad, the lawyer, and the reason he’s studying law. That sensation of recognition hits me again.
My eyes fall on the bright blue paddle boat in the distant part of the lake. Mom’s laughing while Jan-di’s arms flail about.
“Hmm?” Angela says. My gaze is on my mom and Jan-di, but somehow she traces it to Jin and Lena. He’s helping Lena off the yellow jet ski onto the dock.
“Oh yes. They always have. Jin and Lena,” says Angela.
I look at her. She takes another sip and smiles. “They’ll be good together.”
What now?
I stiffen. “What do you mean?”
She clears her throat and puts her drink in the grass. “They’re suited to each other. Life’s gotten in the way, but it’s just a matter of time. Lena’s never stuck to any other guy before. It’s always been Jin.”
I square my shoulders to her, eyeing her with subtle frustration. “What if they don’t want to be together?”
She takes her sunglasses off and pierces me with her bright green eyes.
“Why do you care, Joy Becker?” She says my name like I’m a lowly peasant and Jin and Lena are royalty.
Lena was totally right. Her mom is a piece of work.
It’s odd to be stuck in a public place, where your world stops, but the rest of the world still goes on around you. Kids lick melty ice cream, teenagers laugh in fits, someone lathers sunscreen on someone else. And here I am, an inch from unraveling.
I want my seams to give and throw every contradictory punch I have at her. Actually, Jin chose me and has never looked at your daughter that way, so THERE!
Jin’s voice echoes in my head, though. It’s not easy to break news. I owe it to him, even to Lena, to let Angela have her assumptions and play her games. I won’t bite.
I want to run, but that’s literally impossible at the moment, so I lie.
“I don’t care.”
Angela folds up her magazine and places it beside her. “Joy, you may think that us moms don’t pay much attention to what goes on with you guys. But we do. We have to.” She folds her sunglasses, knowing she has my attention. “We have to protect our kids. Our homes. You didn’t think I would let some random friend of Lena’s have total control of my house without some checking, did you?”