by Piper Bee
A sharp breath escapes me. Tears manifest and I dread whatever hangs on Mrs. Garcia’s lips.
It had to happen. Sooner or later.
But why the hell now?
“I am well aware of your family’s past, Joy. And it didn’t bother me. You are not your brother and you’ve been a good friend to Lena. And I spoke with your mom about it. She told me everything.”
I can’t stop the trembling in my lips, or the tears that trail down and sting my sunburned cheeks. I feel like a wrecking ball collided with my chest, hearing that my mom shared my past. I know it affected all of us but… it happened to me.
“Don’t worry, I never said anything to Lena. But, there’s something else you should know.”
No venom is on my teeth, but I wish it were, because I’m buzzing with hatred.
I was trying to make things right. Trying to work past the scar tissue and be happy without tearing anyone down because I’ve been down enough for a lifetime. Now I feel it twice. Inadequate. Hateful. Worthless.
My burning, wet eyes glare at her, waiting for her to finish. “What?” My voice is coated in anger and hurt.
She sighs, her shoulders relax, and she looks at me with pity.
“Jin’s dad is one of the Mayor’s lawyers. Tyler Fuller’s lawyer.”
Unsteady air escapes me. I cover my face. No. Jin was new. The one who pulled me out of that pit.
How is it possible that his dad protected the monster that derailed my life?
That’s why I couldn’t shake his name or his face. Yuno Park. I only saw him one time, at the end of the hospital hall, in a crisp black suit. Standing next to Mayor Fuller and his wife, while their unconscious son was wheeled into the hospital room.
It’s like a puzzle piece of my memory fills in the picture where his face wasn’t clear. It was him.
God, this whole time my past was chasing me.
I can’t stay here. My shaky arms lift me off the lounge chair and I grab my crutches.
“Where are you going, honey?” she says, not bothering to move a muscle.
What a calculating opportunist Angela is. She definitely had suspicions about Jin and I, and she saved this game piece.
Well, I guess she wins.
Maybe it’s not that Carson always wins. Maybe I just always lose.
I honestly don’t even care that she dug around my past and got my mom to reveal personal details of the night I was violated. It stings, but that pain is so trivial now.
Before I get far, I search for him standing on the dock. He gleams.
I trusted him.
Jin waves at me and my world falls apart like someone’s deforesting the evergreen woods in the background. His hand drops. He knows something’s wrong.
And it really is. Because the last person I thought would lie to me was Jin Park.
That was last year?
There was no reason for him to know the timing. He suspected. He knew.
And he never said anything.
TRACK 21 - SOMEBODY THAT I USED TO KNOW
MAY 3RD, LAST year
I’m only going so I can keep you from doing something stupid.”
I grinned at him, my cheeks dusted with glitter, a lace choker around my neck to go with my black sequin dress that wasn’t too short, or so I thought. It was the pride of my closet before that night.
“You know I never make a fool of myself, Joy Bear,” Carson said to me. He wore a sly grin and an ocean blue tank that he knew garnered female attention.
His shirt would be covered in blood before midnight.
The memory is almost like a ghost’s whisper. “No d r i n k i n g …”
Tyler Fuller was the golden boy of the whole town. I’d known him since I was a kid because my mom had worked for the Mayor for a really long time. We had roots in that godforsaken place. Tyler had asked me to be his girlfriend more times than I could count. I always rejected him, but I tried to be friendly for my mom’s sake.
I wasn’t expecting him to be at Molly Hannigan’s house party. He said he’d never get caught dead partying.
God, the irony. It’s the kind that stabs and hurts and isn’t funny at all.
The beat was far too heavy to know what song was actually playing. I found the punch bowl, which reeked of whiskey, I think. I didn’t bother to taste it. Molly made the rounds like an overly chipper maitre’d dressed in a yellow knit crop top and tight burgundy leather skirt. Way more revealing than me. Her matte lipstick smile greeted me and my brother, before she insisted she had to go to another part of her massive, unsupervised house.
That was the last moment I considered her a friend.
Carson made it to the string-lighted backyard before I had two seconds to get my bearings. Parties were not my thing, but Carson was finishing his senior year and wanted to go. I didn’t know anyone there except him and Molly.
And Tyler.
He came up behind me smelling like booze and inappropriate thoughts.
“Joy, didn’t think you’d come!” I remember his curly smile as clear as a bell.
I may have politely smiled back, but inside I was in shock. “Hey, Tyler.”
“You look really good tonight.” I watched his eyes cover me and immediately made plans to burn my outfit later.
“Thanks.”
Thanks. Ugh. I wish I never said that.
I don’t know what else we said. The next few minutes felt like hours as far as memory serves. I was on edge, I know that. I refused drink offers. And he drew in closer. And closer.
His arm was around my shoulders and his breath was hot in my ear. “Hey, let me show you something.”
“I don’t know, Tyler.” My shoulders felt like they were up to my ears.
“Come on!”
“…okay.”
I didn’t stop him. I followed because I wanted to be nice. I didn’t think it would end the way it did.
I realized later that Tyler didn’t know Carson was at the party. They hated each other and everyone knew it. I had always tried to play peacemaker, which gave Tyler the wrong idea. Despite the post-trauma counseling I got in the plea deal, it’s hard to feel like it wasn’t my fault.
Even though I rejected him so many times before. Even though I resisted when he pushed his body against mine in the dark. Even though Molly walked by, saw my look of desperation, and continued to the bathroom.
Everyone else would figure Carson snapped because he was drunk.
He wasn’t drunk, but I guess he did snap.
Tyler had me pinned against a wall in a dark hallway, and during that time Carson was looking for me. He was already angry about something. But then, he caught my voice. Whimpering, stuffing my crying down, trying not to move as Tyler pressed his unwanted lips on my neck.
His hands wandered too far. Criminally far.
Carson ripped him away from me by the collar of his polo. I was stuck in an elongated moment. I watched Tyler slam to the ground. I saw the terror on his face before Carson’s first punch landed.
And I was so… relieved. For a very short fraction of a second, I was relieved it was over.
But it had really just begun.
My brother brutally beat him, landing blows with all the accuracy and muscle he’d earned pitching baseballs. The bones of Tyler’s face cracked under Carson’s knuckles. Tyler managed to stand up in an attempt to flee. His face filled with fear as blood and saliva fell from his mouth like thick red threads. Carson yanked on Tyler’s shirt and shoved him down again, eyes wilder than I’d ever seen.
Carson didn’t let up even after Tyler went unconscious. I watched and listened as people struggled to decide who to side with: the golden child of the mayor or the promising baseball star. They chose the one who wasn’t conscious.
Some of the brawnier partiers finally lifted my brother off and held him down until police came. Tyler’s face was bloodied and swollen and, most of all, unmoving. A few people swore he was dead.
The next twenty-four hours were the mos
t grueling of my life. My brother was in police custody. I wasn’t sure if Tyler was going to live or die. I held a deep pain that I wasn’t sure I could ever talk about. My mouth was shut tight every moment I wasn’t forced to speak.
Then I started to pray that Tyler would live because his death would’ve made it all worse.
I talked to police officers and lawyers. I felt like I wasn’t really the one talking, though. I observed myself recounting what happened. They found witnesses, though I’m not sure who they all were. I was both glad they corroborated my story and furious they did nothing to stop it. It was and still is conflicting.
But most confusing was how desperate I was for none of it to balance out. I didn’t want justice for my brother, or justice for Tyler, or justice for myself. I wanted us all to walk away. That’s it.
In the end, it was actually Tyler’s mom who convinced me to press charges. She knew what her son had done. I’ve thought about what her reasons were for encouraging me to do it. Maybe she was ashamed. Or maybe it was because, even though he hurt me, I still valued his life. I’ve wondered if she might’ve known what I was feeling. Maybe she went through it herself before.
“You have power here, Joy. You should use it. If you don’t, they will learn nothing,” she told me.
I knew she was right, but I told myself it wasn’t enough. These men didn’t deserve to learn from this! They didn’t deserve to become better people at my expense, to be saved from the consequences of nearly killing someone or to be spared a reputation with a plea bargain. For it to work, I’d have to be willing to share my side in court, if Tyler was stubborn enough to fight it. And I was convinced that he was.
But then I realized that Mrs. Fuller wasn’t just talking about Tyler and Carson. She was talking about every onlooker. The Mayor, the rest of my family, other women who were in positions like me, my friends, maybe even my future children.
I willed myself to stop thinking about it and just do it.
I told the Fullers that I would press charges against Tyler if they pressed charges against Carson. I was 100% ready to face court. But, in the end, they settled.
We all walked away. Even Tyler.
The media doesn’t like settlements wrapped in shiny red bows, though. They like to rip things apart so public scrutiny runs free like blood from a prey. It was illegal for them to report anything about my part, since I was a minor, so Carson got the brunt of it. Lost his baseball scholarship to OSU. Forced us to move from Oregon to southwest Washington. Never quite healed from it all.
At least Tyler lived. When he woke up, my relief was mostly for his mom. I don’t wish him dead, but I hope I never see him again.
It was one of those events that you find yourself measuring everything else against. What’s really so bad when your brother almost killed someone and it was your fault?
But, I know it wasn’t my fault. He could’ve stopped himself.
Now, I’m sitting outside the locker rooms at Victoria Lake, reliving it. But it’s different this time. Like I’m more sober.
When Jin told me they could’ve stopped, it changed me. But in the end, he still lied by omission. There’s no possible way he didn’t make the connection. How many mayor’s kids get beat into a coma?
I run my fingers through my sweat-damp hair and suddenly understand why people pull it out when they’re frustrated.
I’m so tired of feeling elated just to get stuck in a self-destructive loop, debating whether or not I’m worth such amazing feelings. I’m so tired of crying over it. I just want to be done already!
Maybe I’m allowed to just sit in my twisted up feelings while I process the crazy curveball that got thrown at me. Maybe I finally know I wasn’t the one to blame.
Maybe, even though my heart is broken, I’m still resilient.
“Joy?” Carson says as he exits the locker room. “You finally talking to me?”
TRACK 22 - SAY SOMETHING
JULY 20TH, THIS year
Sometimes I hate that I’m so close to Carson. It’s hard not to be attached when you have no memory of a world without someone. We share brokenness because we’re a pair. The Becker kids. Even if I heal, there’s always an ache in my soul over him.
“There’s something you deserve to know,” I say. Carson takes a seat on the metal bench just outside the locker rooms. His curls are dark and damp from his post-shift shower. The shade is still so hot, it’s like I’m watching him dry.
“About time,” he says. I involuntarily roll my eyes.
“I don’t care if you don’t believe me. I never cheated.”
“Bull—”
“Shut up! Can you listen for once?”
His brow turns annoyed but I’m sure my expression reflects it back. He folds his arms over his chest and slumps back.
Deep breath. “I was telling you the truth. I made a deal with Cale, that we’d fake a relationship because he’s got a crush on Lena. That’s why he gave me his car.”
“You really think he gave you his car because he has ‘fake’ feelings for you?” He uses air quotes around “fake” because, well, he has a point.
“I’m not sure anymore.”
He studies my face. “You were really faking it?”
“Yeah. But I care a lot more that you believe I wasn’t cheating.”
Carson sighs and sits up to put his elbows on his knees like the athlete he is. “It’s not that I don’t believe you. It just sounds so… stupid.”
He’s not wrong. But him saying that is a healthy portion of relief for me.
“I still don’t like that other guy,” he says.
I smirk. “Only because he stood up to you.”
“No, it’s because he freakin’ seduced you when you had a boyfriend! Fake or not!”
“Carson, obviously I told him!”
“Pfft! And he believed you?” Carson grins as if he’s just witnessed something supremely idiotic. His scoffing makes me realize how easily Jin accepted my word. We didn’t even know each other that well.
Is that a good trait or a bad one?
The warm breeze brushes against us. The woods that surround the employee locker rooms are a mix of quiet stillness and bustling nature. On any other day, I’d drink up the summer heat and fresh air, paying no mind to the impressions this metal bench is leaving on my bare legs.
Today, though, the forest’s serenity offers no escape from reality.
“I didn’t actually come here to defend myself, Carson.”
“What else is there?” he asks with the vague annoyance that’s a staple of his utterances.
I tell him about Jin’s dad. As I do, every hint of his usual smugness fades and his amber eyes go distant into the trees. He didn’t expect this to catch up to us again, either.
“Guess it’s not gonna work out after all, huh?” he finally says.
I fight tears hard and say, “Guess not.”
But I wasn’t ready to say that. I wasn’t ready to call it because I never gave Jin the chance to explain. Carson and I are so interconnected that he spoke for both of us. I can’t dangle his livelihood over spikes just because Jin’s smile won’t leave my mind.
“You really like him, don’t you?” I’m surprised he’s watching me. He hardly ever leaves his own head.
I sniffle. “More than I thought I would. A lot more.”
“Well then, screw it!”
My head whips to face him. “What?”
“Figure it out! You don’t always have to spare me. I can take one for the team sometimes.”
I gape at Carson, in a spiral of emotions that’s going both up and down at the same time.
“He lied to me, Carson! He knew about our past and said nothing. I don’t blame him for who his dad is but… he should’ve told me.”
“Oh.” Now he gets it. “That sucks.”
I pat my face dry with my wrist. “It’s not like it stops there. Lena’s been in love with him forever, so it’s just way too complicated.”
He lo
oks a bit skeptical. “I thought she went through flings like crazy.”
“Yeah. Jin’s the reason for that.”
“Huh.” He sits in this place of wondering about everything. The level of emotional investment he’s putting into it surprises me.
Then I have to rewind. “Were you really about to let me date a guy that you hated? Like what have you done with my actual brother?”
Carson chuckles. “My old techniques weren’t working so I’m flexing new ones.”
I furrow my brow. “Techniques for what?”
“Protecting you.”
That’s the first grain of sweetness I’ve gotten on a long, bitter train of conversations with Carson. I smile.
He’s finally learning. Took his sweet time, but Carson is getting there.
“When were you gonna tell me about your game next week, huh?” I punch his firm upper arm and he laughs.
At least one thing in my life doesn’t have to be beyond repair.
♫
The hot wind from the golf cart ride heals my swollen face, like it’s taming the flames of my uncertain heart. Carson drops me off at the cabin so I don’t have to hobble all the way back from the locker rooms by the lake. My armpits are so sore from the crutches. Profuse sweating is zero help when attempting to balance on metal sticks.
Carson helps me into the air conditioned cabin, but he has to go to physical therapy again. So, once again, I’m alone. With my thoughts. I take my usual spot on the leather couch. It’s been imprinted with my body and turmoil. I’m a lot antsier than usual, though, so I get up and hop to the kitchen for ice water. It’s all I can stomach with these balled up nerves.
The cold water traveling down my throat reminds me of being enveloped in the pond. Alone with Jin. I’d stopped fighting for long enough to fall. The bliss was explosive, but ignorant.
Maybe he wanted to tell me, but couldn’t. Like how I was with Cale.