My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  What was wrong with me? I had to keep reminding myself she wasn’t like Clara. My ex-girlfriend would manipulate me to get what she wanted. There should be rules against dating older women. I thought I was in love. I don’t know if it was our age difference or her being older than me, but she controlled me, like she had a whip in her hand. Of course I didn’t realize it at that time, but my friends saw it. They warned me many times, but I didn’t listen.

  Their warnings didn’t even faze me because she had me wrapped around her finger. She told me what to wear, what to eat, and even threatened to break up with me if I didn’t stop smoking. I never quit for her, but she thought I did. When I finally realized how ridiculously possessive she was, we had been together for over a year.

  Jimmy, Seth, and especially Lexy did not like her at all. I should have seen the reason, but I had been sucked in so deep that I couldn’t get out. I swore off relationships the day I broke it off with her. I had no problem just sleeping with a girl, as long as she knew I wasn’t going to date her afterward.

  Speaking of being sucked in, I had dug myself into a hole and I didn’t know how I was going to get out. I was just about to knock on Alex’s door when I heard her leave a message to someone…Jimmy, I think. Maybe she was calling the guy she was dating to come pick her up. I also heard her blowing her nose. I hoped she wasn’t crying. I’m just guessing, but girls cry easily when they get upset or when they’re sad. I could imagine her doing it and that made me feel like crap.

  Assuming she wouldn’t come out of her room unless I was gone, that is exactly what I decided to do. She would need to come out to eat, so I decided to head to Seth or Lexy’s place. I’d make up an excuse as to why I was over there, but they wouldn’t believe my lies. They knew me too well. Hell, I’ll just go to the school café instead. After I grabbed my wallet, I slammed the front door so she would know I had left.

  Alexandria

  I had just left a message for Jimmy to call me when I heard the front door slam. It indicated how pissed off he was. Must he slam the door that hard? That fueled my rage even more. Not knowing if Jimmy would call back, I texted him, too.

  You didn’t tell me Ellie was a guy! Call me!!!

  Instead of waiting for a response, I called Emma, and then I called my mom, since that was long overdue.

  “Alexandria, you were supposed to call me as soon as you got there,” Mom scolded.

  “Sorry, Mom,” I said, feeling awful for making her worry, but she could have called me, too.

  “How are you? How’s your roommate?”

  “Great,” I lied. “Ellie is really nice.” I had to tell a fib to cover up what Jimmy had done. Mom would have flipped out and called her sister right away.

  “I’m so glad to hear that. William and I will try to come visit when he gets a chance to get away. He’s been very busy at his firm.”

  I heard her words, but I didn’t believe them. I could say with certainty that William and Mom would never come to visit me.

  “How are your classes?”

  Yup, asking me about classes when I had told her I was going a week before school started was an indication she hadn’t listened, nor would she be coming anytime soon. I had gotten used to her not being all there after she remarried. I grew up quick and at times, it didn’t feel like I had a mother.

  “They’re fine. It’s all great,” I tried to sound cheerful. “Anyway, I better go now. I need to get to class.” It was a little lie, but I felt bad for saying it when I could have reminded her about school starting next week.

  “Call me soon, Sunshine.” Her words stung my heart. Was it intentional?

  Mom had never called me by that nickname before, only Dad had. What possessed her to call me that? She opened a wound I was trying to close. Being upset already didn’t help the situation either, and tears started to pour down my cheeks.

  “Talk to you later, Mom.” I shut the phone and didn’t wait for her response. I didn’t want her to know that I was crying. Missing my dad terribly, I hugged my pillow tightly and let the tears flow. I had already felt the loss of what “home” meant when my dad passed away, but I felt it even more so today. I didn’t want to pity myself, but I felt utterly alone. It had been a while since I heard the word “sunshine” and it had been a while since I cried so much.

  Chapter 8

  Alexandria

  I woke up to the smell of eggs and ham. Assuming Elijah was cooking breakfast put a smile on my face, but when I thought about how he pissed me off last night, I frowned. Then my heart softened. Talking to Dad last night, as if he were here, helped me clear away the anger. It always did. After I showered, changed and looked presentable, I walked out of my room feeling a little edgy and uncertain.

  “You’re up. Just in time,” Elijah said cheerfully. “I hope you don’t mind, but I thought I’d cook us some breakfast.”

  I almost dropped my jaw. What a turnaround from last night. If this was his way of apologizing, then I happily accept. Actions spoke louder than words anyway. “Thanks,” I said with a smile. Since he was pretending we were fine, I decided to do the same.

  “I’m going to assume you like eggs and ham since you bought them. I also washed some blueberries,” he said, taking the plates to the table.

  “Sure. I can eat anything since I didn’t have dinner last night.” After my words came out, I froze. “I mean…since I wasn’t hungry last night. I was so tired, I just slept.” Oh God! Here I go with my rambling again. I didn’t want him to think that I was so upset over our argument that I didn’t eat because of him. Losing my appetite was solely about me missing my dad.

  I don’t think my words fazed him since he didn’t say a word. I was glad it didn’t. Instead of sitting down, I went straight for the refrigerator to take the juice carton out. Closing the door, I almost smacked into Elijah.

  “Sorry,” I said, moving to my left, but he moved to his right and we bumped again.

  “Excuse me,” Elijah said lightly. “It seems we need a bigger kitchen.”

  “Sorry,” I said, moving to my right without thinking. As he moved to his left, we collided again. It was as if we were an uncoordinated couple doing a tango.

  Elijah placed his hands on my shoulders, causing me to stay in place. Looking into his eyes intimidated me, so I quickly shifted my eyes to his arms. They were flexed and nicely toned, and I got a closer looked at his dragon tattoo. When he swung me to his right, I snapped out of it. We finally got it right.

  Pouring two glasses of juice, I took them to the table.

  “I think we need to talk about a few things,” he said casually. Sitting across from me, he handed me a fork.

  Instead of replying, I let him know I was ready to listen by gazing into his eyes with a quick smile. He had the most beautiful piercing eyes and long eyelashes. I couldn’t stop staring at them as we sat in silence.

  Elijah finally cleared his throat and sat up straight while he continuously twisted the fork in his hand. “I think that we should each let the other person know when we ask someone over. Like your boyfriend, for example.”

  “He’s not officially my boyfriend. We’re in a relationship, or seeing each, or whatever you call it,” I interrupted.

  “Okay, whomever you date,” he said, taking a bite of his scrambled eggs. “If I decide to bring someone back here, I’ll let you know ahead of time so you can decide if you want to go out for a bit or stay in your room.”

  I quickly swallowed so I could repeat what he’d said, to be sure there were no misunderstandings. “So if I want Liam to come over, I should let you know. Is it okay if he spends the night, since he’ll have to drive several hours to see me?”

  “Sure, I don’t see a problem with that. You don’t have to ask for my permission, Alex. I didn’t mean it that way.” He took a sip of his drink. That only made me thirsty, so I took a sip of mine, too.

  I nodded in understanding. “Then, I’m letting you know now that Liam will be coming this Saturday and he’ll be
spending the night.”

  Elijah blinked his eyes, as if he needed to register what I had just said. “Sure. I have plans anyway, and I plan to stay out pretty late so that will work out just fine.”

  “Anything else?”

  “When Jimmy and I were roommates, we made sure to wash our own dishes and clean up after ourselves. We also left our school schedule on the fridge, just in case. I also need your cell number, since we don’t have a landline. I’ll put a small magnetic whiteboard on the fridge. We can communicate that way, too. The rent is due at the end of the month and I’ll let you know how much the utilities cost, since we split them. If you decide you want to move out, I need a month’s notice, along with the rent. Also, if you didn’t know, there’s a washer and dryer in the room next to the bathroom. I think that’s about it.”

  “Okay, easy enough. And don’t forget, I’m making dinner tonight.”

  “Alex, you don’t have to make dinner just because I made breakfast.”

  Elijah had the wrong idea. I’m pretty sure he hadn’t heard Lexy tell him last night that I was making dinner, since he was too busy being mad at me and his head was stuck in the fridge at the time. “I’m actually making dinner for Lexy to thank her for yesterday, and for all the trouble to come. Since I don’t have a car, I’m going to have to ask her for more favors. I’ve been saving up for my own, so hopefully I’ll have one soon.”

  “Oh.” Elijah looked confused or stunned. I wasn’t sure which.

  After we had finished talking, I thanked him for breakfast, excused myself to check my phone, and then came back. Lexy had told me she would let me know in the morning if there was a job for me, and there was. Feeling elated, I told Elijah that I would clean up since he cooked. He had no problem with that since he didn’t like doing the dishes. That worked out just fine.

  Thinking back, I’m glad I’d bought more than my share of food. Though I didn’t know Elijah that well, he was one of Jimmy’s good friends. That alone was enough reason to want to share, to give. Even if he weren’t Jimmy’s friend, that wouldn’t have changed.

  Elijah

  I hadn’t seen Alex at home lately. Since I was in training to work in the Administration office during the late afternoons, I hadn’t really seen her the past couple of days. Not that I was waiting for her or anything. I was just curious as to where she went since she didn’t have a car. I should have told her that she could ask me for a ride as well instead of always having to ask Lexy, but I didn’t feel like it. Besides, I didn’t know how she would feel about riding on my motorcycle. I also didn’t want that responsibility hanging over my head.

  Not wanting to eat more of Alex’s food and feeling like I wanted a burrito, I decided to go to the campus dining hall. I hated long lines, so I went after the lunch rush. Not only that, but knowing that Lexy worked there was an added bonus. Wearing a baseball cap backwards, since I had just gotten out of the shower after working out at the gym, I headed out the door.

  “What can I get you, hot stuff?” Lexy giggled.

  “How about wrap yourself naked in a tortilla with all the fixings,” I winked. Lexy and I were so comfortable with each other that even when I flirted, she took it as a joke.

  “One special ultimate Lexy burrito coming up.” As I watched her create my special burrito, dumping in chicken, beef, lettuce, and everything that was in front of her, I spotted Nolan, the guy I loathed, and his group.

  How could anyone not notice them? They had a way of making heads turn by being loud when they entered. At least they settled down at a table and only one stood in line to order lunch for all five of them. I guess he was the unlucky one who had to pay today. Being in the same room with them was not how I wanted to spend my lunchtime. “Lexy, make that to go, please.”

  Lexy’s vision followed mine. She understood. “Sure. I’ll make it to go. I hope those assholes won’t stay too long. I can’t stand them.”

  After she slid my tray to the cashier, I flipped open my wallet, ready to pay.

  “That’ll be seven dollars, please. Would you like something to drink?”

  Wait a minute. I knew that sweet voice. With a flash, I peered up to see the most beautiful, angelic smile. Her smile temporarily took me to a happy place, the smile that I couldn’t seem to turn away from. “Alex?” She was standing next to another girl. It looked like the girl was training her.

  “Hi, Elijah,” Alex waved, flashing that innocent smile again. She looked shy and happy at the same time. I think the girl beside her said hello. I wasn’t sure. I only had my eyes on Alex, so I just smiled at both of them. I had no idea who the other girl was. Many girls I didn’t know said hi to me, so it wasn’t anything new.

  “You work here? When did you start?”

  “Two days ago. I wrote it on the whiteboard. I guess you didn’t see it.”

  She just answered my question about her whereabouts. “Oh, yeah…the whiteboard.” I arched my brows and nodded in a way of apologizing. I’m an idiot. I told her the purpose of the whiteboard and I dismissed it. “I must have missed it. Sorry about that. I’ll make sure to check it daily. It’s been a while since I had a roommate.”

  “That’s okay,” she shrugged sheepishly. “Lexy got me the job.”

  “I’m sure they hired you because of who you are.” I wasn’t sure if that was the right thing to say when I saw her tilt her head sideways, looking baffled. After I paid, I decided to stick around so I found the table furthest from Nolan. Bringing my cap forward, I tilted it lower, hoping to become invisible so I could enjoy my burrito, but that didn’t last very long.

  From the corner of my eye, I spotted Alex walking around with a tray in her hand. She wore longer shorts than what I was used to seeing her in, and a fitted T-shirt that conformed to the curves of her breasts. She was picking up the trash from the tables that the lazy people didn’t throw away. That reminded me of when she told me that she collected trash and it made me laugh.

  Because she was new, she got to be the gopher. Poor Alex. It was one of the drawbacks of working in the school’s dining hall. I casually observed her from a distance and ate my lunch. I didn’t think much of it until she stood in front of Nolan’s table. That got my attention big time.

  “Are you finished with your drinks?” Alex asked.

  “You must be new. What’s your name sweetheart?” Nolan’s smile was too big. I wanted to erase the perverted expression that was smeared on his face.

  “Alexandria,” she said quickly. “If those are trash, please throw them away, thank you.” Then she started to walk away. Alex suddenly swung around from Nolan’s grip, causing me to stand up. I had an urge to protect my roommate, who had somehow become my responsibility now. I didn’t want another confrontation with Nolan, but I swore that if he did anything to piss me off, I was going to break one of his bones.

  “Don’t walk away, Alexandria.” He took the tray she was holding out of her hand, placed it on the table, and pulled her tightly to his chest.

  Seeing Lexy was ready to make her move, I sat back down so I wouldn’t make a scene. It was better to be scolded by the manager rather than by me. At least he would listen to her.

  “What do you want?” Alex huffed. I couldn’t tell if she was afraid.

  Nolan loosened his grip. “How about you and I go out?”

  “Sorry, but I’m taken.” Alex pushed his hands off her.

  “Do you know who I am? Let me start over. My name is Nolan Smith, and these are my friends.” He didn’t ask her to shake his hand; he just shook hers.

  “It’s nice to meet you and your friends, Nolan, but I need to get back to work.”

  I liked how she played it off cool, not affected by him at all.

  “Do you know how many girls want to go out with me? No, let me rephrase that. Do you know how many girls want to sleep with me?”

  Alex gawked at him, most likely unbelieving what she heard from this arrogant bastard. “That’s nice, Nolan, but like I said before. I’m already taken.”<
br />
  “And I don’t take no for an answer,” he huffed, sitting back down on his chair. “Why don’t you give me a chance? I promise you, you’ll be leaving your boyfriend after I show you the best time of your life.”

  “And I don’t say yes after I say no. I really don’t care who you are, but no means no. And please get your hand off my ass.” Alex meant business by the sound of her voice and her facial expression. Her cheeks were pinched in and her lips protruded out.

  Alex had the finest ass I’d laid eyes on, and to see it being groped by Nolan infused me with anger. I was just about to go over, unable to handle seeing his hands on her like that, but I was beyond stunned to hear what she said and did next.

  “If you don’t stop squeezing my ass like you’re milking a cow, I’m going to have to cool you down.”

  His group of friends started to laugh and Nolan thought it was funny too, until Alex made her move. Grabbing a cup off the tray, she dumped soda over his head. “Oops, I’m so sorry. Clumsy me.”

  It was epic! I had to give her credit for being so brave, doing what she did. Grabbing her tray, she paced back to her station with that sexy catwalk, and the “I don’t care what you think of me” attitude in her stride. Lexy’s mouth dropped before she busted out with laughter.

  Nolan stood up as if he’d been bitten on his ass, liquid dripping down his head. It mostly soaked into his T-shirt, and what hadn’t pooled around his feet. When he curled his fingers into a tight fist, I got up too, ready to step in. Surrounded by students, I knew he wouldn’t dare hit her, but regardless, Nolan was unpredictable.

  Thankfully, he just growled and wiped himself with the napkins his friends gave him. “What are you looking at?” he shouted to the students at the nearby tables, and then sat back down. Everyone around cowardly turned away. Lexy, on the other hand, was smiling behind the counter. As of right now, Alex was on my best friend list. After I let out a hearty laugh, I threw my trash away, turned my cap back the way it was, and headed toward Nolan’s table.