An Imperfect Circle

by R. J. Sable

  “He grabbed me,” I shrug apologetically.

  “Right,” he nods with his eyebrows furrowed slightly.

  We don’t talk as we gather the material we’ll need. I get Matt’s as well because I still feel a bit guilty for overreacting.

  “Here,” I hand him the wood he’ll need. “You want me to show you how the design works?”

  “I’m not fucking blind,” he gestures to the paper in front of him.

  “Are you capable of forming a single sentence without swearing?” I tease lightly. That flash of fear still haunts me and I remember the same look on his face far too many times when he was a child. I never asked, but we all knew things weren’t right for him at home. That’s why Helen and Andrew wanted him around as much as possible. He practically lived at their house.

  “Not fucking likely,” he half smiles and then studies me a few seconds. “Did I hurt you?”

  I shake my head and show him my wrist. “Just caught me off guard.”

  “Alright,” he nods.

  Karl observes us silently from across the table and I can’t tell who he’s scrutinising most, me or Matt. When I laugh at something Matt says, I almost think I see something angry cross his face but I immediately dismiss it because he’s smiling when I look again.

  Becky’s waiting for me outside the common room as we agreed once the final bell rings. I told her I was going to do some work in the library after school and she said I might as well go to the local library and she could keep me company. It also meant we could do our Math homework together.

  As we walk, I fill her in on everything that happened in my D&T class because she’s already recounted everything that happened in her English lesson.

  “You seem to have the full attention of the Carters,” she grins. “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.”

  “It’s definitely a bad thing. Although it was more of a Smith problem than a Carter problem last period,” I explain.

  “Oh Matt’s a Carter for all intents and purposes. He lives with them, has done for as long as they’ve been at school together,” Becky informs me.

  “He does?” I raise an eyebrow. He spent a lot of time there but he didn’t really live there, even if he slept over a lot.

  Becky nods. “There are a lot of rumours as to why but nobody really knows except for the Carters and nobody would dare to ask them about it.”

  “I didn’t realise,” I grimace. I can’t help but feel guilty for hitting somebody who I’d suspected had been a victim of violence for so much of his life. I may not have been thinking of it in that moment but I knew deep down.

  “So, what is it with you and Karl?” Becky Blossom grins mischievously.

  Chapter 7

  “Blossom, are you taking advantage of the fact that I don’t like lies or secrets?” I accuse in order to stall.

  “Most definitely. I’m not stupid. I know there’s something there. Whenever you’re in the same room, you don’t look at him. Ever. And whenever he’s not in the room, your eyes are scanning it every few seconds. My guess is you’re looking for him. I don’t blame you; he’s really hot. I’d totally-”

  “Becky, it’s not what you think,” I blurt, cutting her off.

  “Well then, clue me in,” she grins.

  I hesitate and her smile falters. I’ve not really been friends with someone my own age before. I don’t know how to do this.

  “It’s okay, Ellie,” she tries to smile. “I was just being nosey, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry, Becky Blossom,” I chuckle, squeezing the hand that seems to be permanently attached to mine. “I’m just not used to this.”

  “To what?” She frowns, guiding me through the library and into what must be the staff room, which seems to be empty.

  “Having a best friend,” I explain somewhat awkwardly.

  “I’m your best friend?” She prompts, wide-eyed and rosy-cheeked.

  “Well, yeah,” I nod. “Kind of feels that way, doesn’t it?”

  She squeals as loud as she can considering we’re in a library and I’m trapped in another Chemical X cuddle. I swear I’m getting better at returning them. My arms almost find their place without me forcing them there.

  “So, Karl?” She prompts, pulling me down to the desk whilst she busies herself at a computer.

  “Like I said, it’s not what you think,” I explain with a sigh, wondering where I should start. I take a deep breath and I’ve got Becky’s full attention as I begin.

  “We were next door neighbours when we were kids. I used to play with them all the time. Mostly with Karl, but with Ian, Rick, and Danny as well. Matt was there quite a bit but I barely recognise him now.”

  I pick up a pencil off the desk and begin winding it through my fingers so I’ve got something to do with my hands.

  “Karl and I were best friends. We did everything together. I still have the rock he painted for my eighth birthday. It’s ugly as hell but I loved the stupid thing.

  My mum got cancer when I was nine. She got so bad we thought she’d lost the battle. The Carters fed and clothed me when she was at her worst, kept me out of the way because she slept a lot. I never felt like a burden because they were so welcoming but it was a tough time and I definitely needed them.

  After about six months of my mum being bed-ridden, her boyfriend at the time started causing problems. He’d visit me at night and I didn’t like it. At first it wasn’t so bad but it got worse every time.

  I didn’t sleep much and Karl obviously noticed because we spent so much time together. I told him I was having nightmares so, every evening, he’d come check my room for me. I think it was his way of trying to prove to me that there was nothing to be scared of.

  I couldn’t tell him what was really happening. My mum’s boyfriend told me that it was my job to pick up the slack whilst my mum was bed-ridden. He said if I told her anything, she’d be upset and get more ill and then she’d definitely die.

  Even if he hadn’t said that, I couldn’t have told anyone anyway. I felt disgusting. Like I was rotting from the inside out. Diseased.”

  I can tell Becky is struggling with my story but it needs a background so I put the pencil down and grab her hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

  “It went on for a year, until I was almost eleven. He got more aggressive and more violent to the point that I was getting really ill towards the end. My mum was finally getting better and I wasn’t about to jeopardise it. I figured that if I could just hold out until she was well, I could tell her and she could take me away.

  One night, he came into my room drunk. I could tell because he stank of whiskey. The times he’d been drunk before had always been the worst because he was really rough.

  When Karl checked my room, he always made sure the window was unlocked. Our houses were semi-detached and he could crawl across the tree outside and get to the ledge outside my window if he really wanted to. He said all I had to do was scream and he’d come chase my nightmares away.

  Of course, I never screamed because if I made any noise, the sick freak choked me.

  He had my nightie off and was pinning me down to the bed when I heard something tumbling into my bedroom. It was Karl. To this day, I don’t know why he decided to crawl over that night but he took one look at what was happening and launched himself at the guy.

  Karl’s bigger now than he was but he wasn’t a wimp by any means. His dad’s in the army and he teaches them all martial arts. They all worked out tonnes and they could all handle themselves in a fight.

  My mum’s boyfriend was much bigger than I was, but he wasn’t that much bigger than Karl. It didn’t matter though. Karl was like a machine. He pummelled the guy. He was on the floor unconscious in a matter of minutes and I was screaming. Not because I was scared but because I was finally not so scared that I couldn’t scream.

  My mum rolled herself in using her wheelchair. The police were called, I was taken to hospital, etcetera, etcetera. My mum hated herself,
blamed herself. I hated myself, blamed myself. All that fun stuff.

  The sick freak was locked up and mum packed us up and shipped us off as soon as she could. One minute I’m living in hell with my best friend holding my hand to guide me through it blindly and the next minute, everything I own is boxed up on a lorry and we’re going to stay with my aunty on the other side of the city.

  We packed throughout the next day and night because we both wanted out of the house. I knocked on their door early the next morning. His Granddad answered. I could barely see him through my tears. I needed to say goodbye and give him my aunt’s telephone number so we wouldn’t lose touch.

  He’d saved me and put an end to it all. I needed him. I asked to see Karl and his Granddad went to fetch him but he returned a few minutes later and told me Karl wasn’t handling it well and didn’t want to see me. He apologised but my heart was already broken.

  Sometime between him rescuing me and me knocking on the door, Karl had decided that he couldn’t handle being friends with somebody with so much baggage. Somebody who’d been defiled.”

  I hear Becky gasp through her tears but I’m not really in the room anymore. I’m still stood on that doorstep as Granddad Carter shuts the door and my mum tries to drag me to the car.

  “After a few months of therapy, I found out that Karl’s mum had died. I’d lost my best friend and he didn’t even need me to get through his mother’s death. Not only that, but I never got a chance to thank Helen for her big heart and the way she looked after me all that time. It was a tough year.”

  “Ellie, I’m so-” Becky starts, squeezing my hand back.

  “Don’t say you’re sorry, Blossom,” I warn with a smirk. “You didn’t do anything wrong and neither did I.”

  I take a deep breath and shake off the ghosts of my pasts.

  “He died in prison. Apparently, people don’t take too kindly to child molesters. He’s gone now and the world’s a better place for it. I’ve moved on, but now you know why I act weird around Karl. He doesn’t remember me and I’d rather it stayed that way.”

  “Gosh, Ellie,” Becky wipes her eyes dry. What sort of girl cries over somebody else’s misfortunes? I love this powerpuff girl. “You’re amazing.”

  “Not the usual response to this sort of thing, Blossom,” I chuckle.

  “I mean it,” she insists. “You went through all that and you’re still a super awesome badass.”

  “Badass?” I grin.

  “Definitely,” she nods insistently.

  “Alright then,” my grin broadens. “Well let’s go be badass whilst we do maths homework then.”

  I feel like I must be doing something right if karma has given me a friend like Becky. There was no judgement as she listened. No pity. No disgust. She just cried, sharing the pain I’d once lived through

  She prints out a few sheets from the computer and then shows me into the library.

  “How long have you been volunteering here?” I ask as she finds us a table.

  “I started at the beginning of the summer. Thought it might look good on my CV,” she blushes and looks at me through her thick glasses.

  “You got it all figured out? Your future, I mean?” I ask. She’s obviously clever. I have to wonder what she wants to do with her life. She could do anything.

  “I think so,” she grimaces. “I’m going to be a lawyer.”

  “Is that what you want?” I frown.

  She shrugs and nibbles on her lip.

  I’m about to ask what she really wants to do with her life but she pulls out her maths book. It’s an obvious evasive tactic and I let her have it. For now.

  I have a feeling Becky is key to helping me find Elise again and I’m going to help her find herself in return.

  With Becky Blossom’s help, the maths homework is done in no time and she goes off to stack shelves and charge people ungodly fines for late returns.

  I power through the rest of my homework and decide to make the most of being at the library. There’s bound to be something good to read. Becky looks busy talking to a little old lady so I explore by myself, looking for the fantasy section.

  I like books with the sorts of bad guys you can run through with a sword or incinerate with a few words. That’s real karma.

  Whilst I’m on the hunt, I’m brought to a standstill between two aisles. Sat at a small table with their backs to me are Ian and Karl. No Matt for a change. If I was smart, I’d have tiptoed away quietly. But I’m not smart. I’m stupid, very stupid.

  The sound of Karl’s voice, even though it’s considerably deeper than it once was, gnaws at my insides. With just him and Ian there, he sounds like he’s dropped the façade a bit. I edge closer so I can hear what he’s saying. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help myself. I’m attracted to the sound of his voice like a negative charge to a positive.

  “Fifty years ago the first pro- protein Amy- amin… protein amino ass- acid. Fifty years ago the first protein amino ass- acid was defined and the… double he lick… he lick all-”

  “Helical,” I hear Ian interject softly.

  “Helical,” Karl growls. “Structure of DNA was exp… explained… for fuck’s sake. I can’t fucking do this, E.”

  I furrow my brow in confusion. I don’t understand what’s happening.

  “Not with that attitude you can’t,” Ian responds unsympathetically. “You almost had it, come on.”

  “Ian, we’ve been at this for over an hour and I’m not even a third of the way through the chapter,” Karl growls, knocking the book onto the floor and clenching his fists.

  I’m not very close but even from my safe place a good few feet away, I can see how angry he is. It sounded like he was having trouble reading, but that can’t be right, can it?

  “Pick it up and sit your ass on. The. Chair,” Ian responds in a low, warning growl.

  “Ian,” Karl responds with a threat in his voice.

  “I said sit,” Ian barks.

  Karl takes a deep breath, scooping the book up off the floor and sitting down hard on the wooden library chair. I watch as he balls his hands into fists and kneads his eyes.

  “Can we just take a break,” he croaks after a few seconds. “My head’s fucking killing me, Ian. My eyes are gonna explode if we don’t take a break.”

  “Mouth,” Ian replies, studying his brother intently. “Look, we’ll go over it with Matt when he gets back from work. We’ll make the usual flash cards, but you need to work through it first.”

  “Ian… please,” Karl almost whispers.

  “Alright,” Ian relents. “Take ten minutes. But then we do half an hour more.”

  Karl lets out a deep sigh of relief and pushes his chair back as he claps Ian on the shoulder.

  I realise that he’s about to come this way and I’m still stood there eavesdropping. I’ve just violated a very personal and private moment and I know it should feel wrong but it doesn’t. Regardless, I should never have stayed and listened.

  I back up quickly, desperate to make an escape before they realise I’ve been spying. I’m not quick enough. They both see me at the same time and I hear Karl mutter a curse under his breath as they approach me.

  I’m frozen in place like a deer in headlights. My brain’s short-circuiting trying to figure out what to do or say.

  “How long you been stood there?” Ian asks as they come to a stop in front of me.

  “I… eh…” I can’t lie but I don’t want Karl to know that I know. I don’t need the drama and it’s obviously a touchy subject.

  “Shit,” Karl mutters, his face red with either anger, humiliation, or both.

  “What. Did. You. Hear?” Ian demands slowly.

  “Look… I was just…” I mumble.

  “She fucking heard, Ian,” Karl panics, looking from me to his brother and back again. “What are we gonna-”

  “Quiet,” Ian snaps “We need to talk, Ellie,” he levels me with a serious glare. He takes a few steps closer to me and I don’t like th
e frustration on his face.

  I know he loves his brother. He’s here helping him. No matter how much of an ass he was being, he was still there, helping Karl keep his secret and his dignity. He may have been my friend at one point in time but not any more. Even if he was, Karl would always be more important to him.

  The look he’s giving me tells me he’ll do anything to keep his brother’s secret safe. Even if he has to threaten me.

  My legs are moving before I consider any other options. I jump the turnstile out of the library and bolt through the door. As my feet pound the tarmac, I can hear footsteps behind me and I’m moving on pure adrenaline.

  I don’t know what god, goddess, or spirit is looking down on me but something is working for me. Maybe it’s my attempt at positive thinking. Whatever it is, it makes sure the bus is at the stop. I jump on it just as the driver closes the doors. Taking a deep breath, I slump into my seat, my eyes meeting Ian’s as the bus pulls away.

  Chapter 8

  I expect Ian and Karl to confront me the next day at school but they don’t. In fact the entire Carter family are keeping their distance. I still have to work with Matt in D&T but he refuses to speak to me and he’s progressed from glaring at me to outright sneering every time I try to talk to him about the design.

  Whatever.

  If they want to pretend it never happened then that’s fine by me. I don’t need the drama. Although Becky is my best friend, I don’t tell her about what I saw and heard. It’s not that I’m keeping secrets from her, it just isn’t my secret to tell.

  By Friday, I’ve practically forgotten about it. I have more important things going on. Firstly, there’s my schoolwork. All my courses are relevant to my future in some way, even if I don’t strictly need them. Secondly, there’s my friendship with Becky. I’m a little bit in love with her and the way she makes me feel happier, just by being with her. Finally, there are the rumours which have been circulating over the last week or so that I’m gay.

  I wish.

  My life would be so much easier and, as I’ve already said, I totally love Becky.