Different Minds

by Joyce E. Rayess

  “Cassandra,” she called me.

  “What?” I stood underneath the doorframe that separated our rooms.

  “You’re weird,” she claimed.

  I smiled.

  “Like the good weird.” She smiled.

  “You too, I guess.” I blinked and looked away. That was exactly the type of comment I really hated. I should engage myself less in personal matters; my advice was bringing me awkward compliments. “Goodnight.”

  I went back to my laptop and somehow found myself looking at pictures of school. I scanned every picture I had of Robert. His cheeks were reddish as if the length of his eyelashes couldn’t forbid the sun from kissing them. There wasn’t a thing I didn’t like about him, although it kind of suffocated me that I was the only one aware of this.

  A few minutes later I mistakenly opened a file that had pictures of Mom. In almost every picture she was in the company of my aunt, the same one that died with her in the accident. I didn’t dislike my aunt and never blamed her because she was driving. I used to love my aunt almost as much as I loved Mom, mostly because Mom used to like her so very much. Aunt Mary was the kindest, sweetest, and most compassionate person. She loved me and Sam as much as she loved her own kids, Jess and Marc. Jess and I had a lot to deal with and to accept; however after the loss of Jess I never really thought of life as fair at all. It was like there was no mercy, no break, and no second chances. Death was no longer a thing we talked about like it wouldn’t happen to us. At some early time in my life I stopped believing that it would not happen to me and rather awaited it.

  I spent the rest of the night crying. I had cried so many times before through my consecutive shocks, but this night I cried as if I’d never cried before. The only means of ending my sufferings was when I did something dangerous. Like the time I walked on the edge of a neighbor’s roof, or the times when I walked alone in the dark on dangerous streets. One night I drove Mom’s car at night seriously fast and slept alone in the public park on a bench. There were also times when I cut my hands with a broken ruler, but those were the times when I was locked up in my room. Each time I needed to do something stupid and reckless to truly feel death so close to me. Perhaps only then was I able to feel the presence of Mom with me too, and it wasn’t so painful anymore to be so alone. I had a mixed feeling of wanting to die and get over the pain of losing these beloved faces from my life. I also wanted to stop being scared, to let it happen and be done with it.

  I couldn’t remember when I lost consciousness and fell asleep. Maybe it was by the time I had cried all my tears on the bed sheets. I hugged my pillow and rocked forth and back as though I were holding a baby and putting it to sleep. Somewhere, I guess, I got lost in a dream of Mom.

  Chapter 5

  life cycles

  i woke up so tired, as if I hadn’t slept at all. My eyes were swollen from yesterday’s tears. Sarah thought I had the flu and decided I should take medication. I explained that I didn’t need it, that I was one of those who believed medication should not be taken except in very serious situations.

  Each day that came was colder than the previous one. The temperature went down about one degree every day. The apple near my bed was probably the only one happy with the cold, as it preserved its condition and helped it live longer, although it seemed a little less green, as if its whole became a bit yellowish. I sat on the edge of the bed looking at it silently.

  “What’s with the apple?” Sarah asked.

  “Nothing,” I responded strangely.

  “Are you going to eat it?”

  “No.” I almost hated Sarah for the way she was looking at my apple. “If it weren’t bitten I would have.”

  “Don’t eat my apple, Sarah.” I gave her a serious look. “I want to keep it.”

  “It’s yours so…,” she said while walking away. “It’s dying by the way.”

  I ignored her declaration and preferred to believe that it would live forever. I stood up, holding myself against the low temperature as I walked across the room. I had no idea what I wanted to wear today. It was in fact the first day in my life that I worried about what I wanted to wear. I picked a pair of beige pants, a brown top with long sleeves, and a hat. I slipped on black boots and a black scarf, trying to make the colors match.

  I brushed my teeth quickly and pulled on a black jacket. It was not raining yet so I walked to the campus following Sarah. My boots were not very comfortable and so the usual ten-minute walk became very painful. The outer area of the campus was full of students; almost everyone was out enjoying the sun before classes. I didn’t mind being seen anymore so I stood in the middle of the garden looking around while fixing my backpack. It was Tuesday so we had no drawing class; however maybe Eric was in another class with me after Friday’s drop/add and late registration day. I went into the first class and looked around. He wasn’t there within the first few minutes; I was very sure he wasn’t coming as the class began and no empty seat remained. Jack happened to be in the same class though. He made sure to sit next to me and try to get information about Sarah.

  “Did you and Sarah…you know, gather around the fire yesterday along with everyone else?” he asked.

  “Well, why didn’t you go?” I tried to escape his question.

  “So you did?” he asked with disappointment. “Oh…I wasn’t feeling well.”

  I knew he was okay because he didn’t seem sick, and if it was that bad it would’ve been impossible to get cured so quickly. I think he didn’t go just to see if Sarah was going to go without him. “No, we didn’t. In fact Sarah didn’t feel like going,” I finally admitted.

  He smiled with a foxy look while looking out the window, nodding his head happily.

  “Shhh,” the teacher said.

  “I think he’s talking to you!” Jack whispered.

  “Really? He was looking at you.”

  “Hush,” the teacher stressed.

  We both became silent at once. I blushed as the whole class turned backwards and sideways looking at me. Jack cracked open in laughter.

  “See, I told you.” He smiled.

  I didn’t dare to talk for the rest of the class session. The course was boring and I was so sleepy that I thought of skipping the next class. However, since I had only one class remaining for the day, I thought maybe I’d make an effort to attend just to see which new students had joined the class, hoping that Eric wasn’t one of them.

  Time passed slowly and the next class was as boring as the first one. Eric was not in either of the two classes; in fact I didn’t see him all day. I wondered where he was, but it didn’t really matter because I didn’t care for him and the thought of him disturbed me. Maybe he was in the library reading his secret book. I was suddenly very interested to pass by and check on it once again, even though there was a great possibility he was going to be there.

  At the end of the academic day, Jack walked me to the residence hall. I think he was hoping to meet with Sarah on the way, but I knew that Sarah had one more class and wasn’t going to finish for about two hours.

  “So you’re pretty close to Sarah now, aren’t you?” he asked, kicking the stones on the sidewalk near the trunks of the trees.

  “I guess,” I answered shortly.

  “You know, it’s special that Sarah accepted to room with someone. It’s not usual for her; she usually likes to be on her own.”

  “How come?”

  “Well…” He paused while scratching his head and smiling. “She just doesn’t trust people.”

  “Ah.” I wondered what he really meant by saying that. What was there to trust? I mean if she didn’t like her roommate she could just lock the door between the bedrooms and they would only be sharing the study room, which no one really used anyways. I tried to keep my thoughts to myself but failed. “How come?” I repeated.

  He started laughing nervously. He shook his head like he was trying to stop himself from saying anything further. “I don’t know…I’m not sure.”

  We
both got silent suddenly. I tried to keep up with his fast march, but he was picking up speed the more nervous he became.

  “So, do you know if Sarah…” He paused then mumbled again before he finally said, “You know…if she’s into someone?”

  I wasn’t sure how I should respond to that question. “She never mentioned,” I lied.

  “Can you try to find out?” he asked with a low voice.

  “I can ask her, but you know what would be better? If you asked her she would answer more sincerely because she’s closer to you than she is to me.”

  “You think?” He sounded worried.

  I smiled at him, pretending not to understand the situation.

  “Yeah, I can do that.” He smiled back a little encouraged.

  At night I found myself staring at Sarah wondering what her story really was. She found me a little weird and questioned my looks. I didn’t think the best way was to ask her what her story was because she might not want to talk about it. So I said nothing and told her later that I was just tired.

  The day passed quickly as I slept very early and all night. I waited impatiently for the next day, for the drawing class of course—not relating any of my excitement to the fact that Eric was in the same class. I wore my favorite clothes and brushed my hair till it shone. I even thought of placing my hair on one side of my shoulders, but then I realized that the style didn’t really suit me because I wasn’t used to looking very girly.

  The sun was extremely bright although the weather was very cold. I removed the apple from underneath the window, afraid the sun might quicken its process of rotting. I placed it inside my closet where it wouldn’t see any sun. The place of the bite wasn’t looking so bad anymore; it created a dry layer on top of the injury. It was as if it accepted the loss and decided that it shouldn’t affect it any further. The apple was even less yellowish and appeared to be a little greener than the last time I had looked at it. I walked away from it happily.

  I went from one class to another awaiting the last class impatiently. During the gathering hour Eric ate alone at a table near the cafeteria’s main entry door. His hair was lit by the sunlight streaming through the glass next to the door. He seemed so sad and worried that it scared me even just looking at him. He didn’t look around but concentrated on finishing his meal although he wasn’t really eating much, rather just scrambling the food around. I was standing near the juice fridge with Sarah, Jack, and Daniel. Michka was in the library doing research for some kind of a project. I stood silently in that corner holding my backpack with one hand over my shoulder and talking to the group; I peeked at Eric and was surprised that he was looking at me. Our eyes met for a second before he turned away quickly in irritation. I turned away very annoyed about his reaction and asked Sarah what they wanted to do. I just wanted to distract myself so in case Eric looked at me again he would notice that the first time I looked at him was totally by mistake. I kept my eyes on the group although my cheeks flushed.

  “I was thinking we should eat,” said Jack.

  “Okay then, I’ll grab something quickly and let’s sit somewhere all together,” I said nervously.

  There was only one empty table and it was near Eric—the one that no one dared to take. I swallowed hard as the group walked toward it. Luckily, once we were seated Eric stood up and walked away. He hadn’t finished his meal, but it appeared that he didn’t have the appetite for it today. He took the rest of his meal and threw it into the bin with a loud sound that attracted everyone’s attention. Everyone was silent for a moment until he walked out of the cafeteria.

  All of a sudden, I didn’t like Eric anymore. Not that I liked him before, but his attitude reminded me of how rude and unbearable he was. I didn’t want to go to drawing class anymore, worried that his anger had to do with me staring at him. My stomach hurt all of a sudden and I was shaking beneath my clothes. I tried to assure myself that his anger had nothing to do with me; it was just a one-second look, and I wasn’t even intending to look at him, but my reassuring thoughts didn’t make a difference on me.

  “What’s wrong with him?” I asked.

  “It’s just how he is,” Daniel said while chewing. “You should just ignore him and try not to interact with him.”

  “Just stay out of his way,” said Jack.

  “Well, that will be hard to do.” Sarah paused. “Eric came all by himself and talked to Cassandra just last week.”

  “It was all a mistake,” I assured them. “He had me mistaken for someone else.”

  The guys stopped eating for a second, nodded, and resumed.

  “Well, just try to stay out of his way,” Daniel repeated.

  I was irritated most of the day afterwards; my excitement for drawing class was all gone by noon. I thought it better if I was in class before he came, and I was. I waited in my seat ten minutes before class had started, calmly working on my drawing. I had no idea how to use colors with anything I drew, and so I decided that my drawing would be only in black and white. What was my tree going to be like? I didn’t even know if it was going to be a winter tree or a spring one. I sat thinking for a while until finally I came up with the perfect idea of having the left side of the tree broken and dead and the right side very alive and strong. It felt like me in a way, a part that wanted peace and happiness and a part that just couldn’t be ignored, the dominant part that wanted to give up.

  Minutes after class started Eric finally stepped in; I knew that even without dropping one look toward him. From the edge of my right eye I was able to see a very pretty guy with an awful attitude shuffling his way to the back. His smell was not extraordinary, clearly though a fancy cologne. I don’t think he noticed me, or else he made sure not to make it obvious. I knew exactly when he was in his seat; every move he made, he made sure everyone heard it. He was unbelievably loud and annoying. My seat was not very comfortable but I tried to stay seated straight so that I looked appealing. I pushed my chest forward and placed my ponytail to one side of my shoulder. It was very tiring to remain still, but should he be staring at me I wanted my looks to be interesting.

  In the middle of the class session, suddenly the lines I was creating started talking to me. As the teacher passed behind me, he asked me how my drawing described life. I just asked him to wait until my drawing was finalized. He went around me curiously then on toward other students and came back quickly to check the development. I felt more confident now that I had the teacher’s attention upon my drawing, and so of course everyone else’s. I looked at the clock on top of the board—still thirty minutes until class ended. I felt relaxed although every two minutes I remembered who was sitting just behind my shoulder; even his brush on the paper was tremendously loud. Suddenly Eric jumped out of his seat and ran outside class. He was looking at his phone as he was running away. The teacher called to him loudly, but Eric never replied; he just took off.

  I bit my lips feeling confused; did the attention the teacher gave me drive him so mad? Or was he pretending he had received an emergency text so he could leave immediately? Whichever was the case, I was glad I didn’t need to sit so uncomfortably for the rest of the session. After he left though, I couldn’t make much progress on my drawing. It was like the motivation was gone and I didn’t need to do so well to impress anyone anymore.

  Half an hour after class I met with Michka; she had a big smile on her face as usual. At this point I realized how important it was to smile, how much happiness and motivation it gave to people that received it.

  “You’re coming?” she asked.

  “Coming where?”

  “Swimming course.”

  “I don’t swim,” I said shyly. “And Sarah is waiting for me. We’re supposed to walk together to the park.”

  “Well, where is Sarah?”

  “Just near the theater.”

  “We’ll tell Sarah to join us, and after swimming we can go together to the park,” she decided.

  I wasn’t expecting Sarah’s reaction to Michka’s proposal
to be so bad. She was furious about swimming lessons. I discovered she was more scared of swimming than I was. I noticed as well that the subject not only irritated her but also caused her a kind of strong panic, so I stepped in to cool her down but it was impossible. Finally I told Michka that maybe we could try this some other time; meanwhile I would talk to Sarah about it. All of a sudden Daniel and Jack appeared from nowhere. Michka and Daniel went to swimming class as Sarah, Jack, and I walked to the park.

  “Sarah,” Jack said. “There should be a time when one faces his fears.”

  “I’m not ready yet,” she said in a low voice.

  “It’s been a long time now,” he whispered.

  “I’m still not ready!” she repeated a little louder.

  “What’s been so long?” I asked, confused. It appeared they were talking about an incident that I wasn’t aware of. I also thought it was the perfect situation to understand a little more about Sarah.

  Jack looked at Sarah as if he expected her to reply to my question, but when she didn’t he shook his head in disappointment and walked away. He sat on a bench in the sun and raised his face to the sky.

  “Sarah.” I pushed my foot underneath the soil as I spoke shyly. “Jack just cares about you. Um, I mean, I think it’s so obvious. I kind of feel that his kindness and care only make you sad. You can always make it clear for him. I think that should make him at least less confused.”

  “No, that’s not it,” she sighed. “Jack likes too much adventure. He’s the type that runs after his fears and fights them. I’d rather not think of them and just stay safe. He wants me to be like him, fear nothing and face every boundary.” It was obvious that Sarah and Jack knew things about each other that I didn’t, and it was even more obvious that she didn’t want to tell me about them.

  “I know what you mean,” I said. No one was able to understand Sarah as much as I did at that instance. I too had no intention to face my fears; in fact I preferred not to think of them. Swimming though wasn’t a big deal; even I wasn’t as scared to try. Did she almost drown one time? I tried to hold myself from asking further questions. “Look, I’m gonna walk back to the room and get a thicker coat because I’m terribly cold.”