Different Minds

by Joyce E. Rayess

  “This is amazing!” I exclaimed as we reached the edge of the lake. “Is it true, by the way, the story of the man and the dead horse?”

  “It is,” Jeffrey replied. “Oh, and we should be leaving by max an hour. Must consider the drive back before night falls.”

  “Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m camping here tonight,” I joked.

  “Yes, I was planning on that too,” Sarah followed.

  “Check this out. See these yellow flowers?” He went down on his knees and caressed one between bunches. “They grow only in this spot in the whole world.”

  “Also in Utah,” Sarah quickly corrected.

  “Correct.” Jeffrey smiled. “They are called the rare oil shale columbine.”

  “Where in Utah?” I asked. I quickly thought of Robert. It was kind of nice that we were each in a place that had a rare type of flower. I was near the Hanging Lake in Colorado where these flowers grew, and he in Utah. I enjoyed the connection that my mind brought to me.

  “I don’t know.” Jeffrey laughed. “Well, the water is not too deep here. See the amazing colors of the turquoise water caused by the water plants in the lake? See these branches that have fallen into the lake and float on the surface?”

  “You mean a whole tree!” Sarah joked. She was right; the branches were so huge that one would think it was the whole tree inside the lake.

  “Yes, or that.” Jeffrey laughed again.

  One hour later, he reminded us that we had to leave before nightfall. We started climbing the hill again toward the parking spot. The lake water was obviously very cold but not yet frozen. Jeffrey was talking about his adventures as Sarah followed him, listening and giggling. As we reached the hill, I thought I’d take one last look from the upper side, but this time I’d be closer to the waterfalls. I took a moment for myself, watching the yellow flowers from above and enjoying the beautiful view one last time. I was freezing cold and felt the icy breeze pinching the tips of my fingers. I placed my hands in my tight jeans pockets and tried to bear the horrible stinging sensation on my nose. As I tried to concentrate on not shivering too much, the rock unbalanced beneath my feet and I fell from the edge of the rock face, pushed by the waterfalls into the lake.

  I thought for a second that it was going to be a safe landing since I was falling into the lake, but then I remembered that the water was not very deep, and I was able to see the rocks underneath the water just before I fell. I knew suddenly that I wasn’t going to make it without serious injuries.

  I screamed, and a second before I hit the water I closed my eyes tight. I heard the slamming as I contacted the water, also that of the rocks over my head and back. My neck had hit a rock and my face was completely underwater, my hair over my eyes and mouth. I tried to pick myself up but my brain wasn’t conveying the order to my body. Suddenly I felt electric charges coursing through my hands and feet, my whole spinal cord too. I thought for an instant that the water was electrically charged by some sort of electricity I hadn’t noticed earlier. I could feel my body shaking as if I was struck by some high-voltage power.

  Although the sound of the falls was very loud, I was able to hear even louder Sarah’s screaming. I was glad at least they knew I had fallen and didn’t continue on their way without checking on me behind them.

  I experienced the most horrible fear I’ve ever felt in my whole life. I was cold, I had extreme pain in my neck and head, and my body was jumping and snapping uncontrollably. I wondered how either Sarah or Jeff was going to jump into the electrified water to help me as the waves from the falls caused me to drift farther away. I was already starting to suffocate while swallowing water.

  “Oh, God, no!” I sputtered as I tried to turn my face upwards. “Please, Lord, help me!” I wished someone would just lift my head so I could breathe.

  I could feel my lungs filling with water every time I tried to breathe underneath the surface. Even when I tried not to breathe the need to inhale became more of an urge so that the more I fought it the stronger I inhaled and therefore suffocated.

  “I don’t want to die,” I said to myself and kept repeating it. Soon the sound of my thoughts was no longer words being said; rather they transformed into the sound of screaming. Although dying had always seemed like a tempting need, as I felt life seeping out of me it suddenly became so precious to me.

  I lost consciousness. A warm feeling filled my body and a beautiful silence descended—an incredible feeling of peace.

  I think at this point Jeffrey performed CPR on me; it’s where I thought I was having a very painful dream. I was able to hear Sarah’s repeated screaming “Is she breathing?” followed by Jeffrey’s scared voice: “I don’t know, yes, maybe a little.” I wanted to let them know that I was here, I was hearing them, but I had no concentration or the power to speak. I tried to move even just a finger when I noticed my whole body was shaking and it was going unseen; but still I couldn’t make any move.

  During the car drive I heard Sarah’s voice unbearably loud. “We should look for a closer hospital. We can’t go to Denver, it’s too far.”

  “I’m heading to Glenwood Springs. Keep her breathing,” he shouted.

  “How do I do that?” she cried.

  “Just check her out, will ya?”

  “There’s too much blood, oh my God, Jeffrey!” she was crying.

  “Stay focused, Sarah, we’re almost there.”

  I don’t remember how I arrived at the emergency room of God-knows-which hospital. The pain was unbearable as the doctors positioned my body in a certain manner. A nurse ventilated me with oxygen. I remember one doctor saying things like “her pupils are dilated but she is breathing on her own.” I was scared a little, but I waited for them to do what they had to do to fix me. Another doctor said: “Her blood is not circulating properly; cover her and warm her up.”

  I thought for a second of Dad but then forced myself to believe I was going to make it and would call him later to explain that it was not so serious. I suddenly remembered that he was somewhere unreachable for a few days in Milano and felt relieved. It could take several days until I recovered, and I would need to persuade Elionora not to bring Dad any bad news. Maybe it would be better if I called him myself.

  Soon I was being transported by a rescue helicopter, most likely to a hospital in Denver. The ride wasn’t very long; nurses talked to me all the way telling me that everything was going to be okay. I felt relaxed by their voices and tried to breathe deeper. I only wished I could open my eyes to see how they looked, but the pain was tremendous and it obliged me to keep them closed. I resigned myself into the hands of the doctors, imagining them in green scrubs with white masks over their mouths as they were in the hospital in Denver when they stitched my hand.

  I think one nurse’s hands were placed around my neck during the whole ride, a warm feeling that tempted me to sleep. A woman’s voice very close to my ears and very soft said to me: “Don’t be scared, you will be okay. It’s not that bad. I’ve seen worse.” Her voice gave peace to my heart, and I thought, When I’m better I will come back to thank her for the comfort she has given me.

  When we arrived at Denver, the peace of the woman’s voice was totally gone as I heard the ER doctors’ comments on my case. I suddenly wished the same woman would come and tell them that it wasn’t that bad, that I was going to be all right. I overheard some doctor saying that I had too many fractures in my spinal cord, and that my neck was fractured too. His voice held much despair and hopelessness. I don’t think they knew I was conscious; I tried to signal for them but not a part of my body was responding.

  At some point my mind fell asleep over the machines’ sounds in the emergency room. I couldn’t tell how much time was passing, but by the time my mind woke up I could sense Sarah’s hands over my face caressing me and apologizing for not looking out for me. I made a great effort to open my eyes to tell her it was okay, but it was impossible. My head was just too heavy, maybe due to the drugs they had given me. Soo
n it was Elionora crying beside me. I couldn’t understand why they had to be so emotional until…the speakerphone of the doctor said loudly, “We have a donor, we have a donor! We should operate immediately!”

  I remembered suddenly that I had registered myself as a donor as soon as I arrived in Colorado; they must have looked me up over the system. A terrible fear stopped my breathing for a moment, and I could feel sweat drops falling from my forehead over my eyebrows. I tried to move, to shout that I was still alive, that I was still here! But my body was so paralyzed like those times when I used to wake up in my bed having a dream paralysis syndrome. The same feeling of suffocation crept over my throat, and instantly I was able to hear the sound of my own heartbeat with my ears.

  “Listen to me! I’m still here!” I shouted in my mind. “Please! Listen to me!” I sensed the doctors lifting the sheets underneath my bed and transporting me onto another.

  “Don’t do that! It’s a mistake!” I tried to kick with my feet, I tried to wave with my arms, but I was totally paralyzed.

  Elionora’s crying was even louder. Now I was able to hear both her and Sarah shouting and crying, asking the doctor to do something.

  “Sarah, tell them! Sarah, look at me!” I shouted, but it was in my mind only. I had no voice, I couldn’t do anything physical.

  A few seconds later they were rolling my bed into another place where the crying voices had ceased. The doctors were speaking some technical words. I guessed that I was now in the operating room. What is this, mercy killing? I tried to fight, to move, to just do something, but it was worthless. I knew now was the moment. I didn’t want to feel anything, I didn’t want to panic.

  “Her heart rate is very high. Must stabilize it before we can proceed,” a voice said.

  I decided at this stage that I should disconnect myself through my imagination from this disastrous room. I took myself with my thoughts to a safe place where no fear existed, no trouble was real. I was with Robert once again near the hot lake and the purple flowers that now I imagined as yellow instead. These rare flowers that only existed as a symbol of our true love were now filling the spaces and the mountains around the warm lake. Robert’s voice sounded clearer now and better.

  “Cassandra.” His face details were very clear now and very beautiful. “Come here.”

  He was squatting on one foot and stretching himself over the lake. Some vapor was coming out of the warm water and forming into little steam droplets on his cheeks. I sank to my knees beside him, looking at his wonderful face. I didn’t recall if I’d ever had this feeling before in my life; it was regret. If I had the chance to live again, I would go straight to him and dare to talk to him. I wouldn’t let my life pass by in nonsense, eliminating the chances of true love. What if he responded? What if I gave permission to this sad soul to be happy if I wasn’t so discreet about my feelings toward him? I knew that having him as my final thought before death did prove how important he was to me, and I should have at least tried. On this bed, at the final hours, everything seemed possible and the only impossible thing was accepting death.

  He smiled at me again as a few drops of tears started running down my face.

  “Look.” He pointed to the water where I looked again.

  There I saw the silhouette of a girl whose features were not shown, my own of course. It was like a shadow whose edges were lit. The water was no longer still as my tears dropped into it and caused little circles. I looked into his beautiful face, appreciating the help he had given me to actually see my own reflection, and so I forced a smile. I suddenly rushed to say something before I was dead and this dream was finished.

  “It’s your own existence, Robert, that will keep mine.”

  My tears fell as I closed my eyes. It was the quietest moment my mind had ever experienced. It felt like I was the only one that existed on earth. A peaceful feeling like no other came into my heart, a sensation that did not exist for the experience of a human mind, but rather for a soul that was detached from flesh.

  I let myself float on the surface of that warm water; my eyes closed, resigning to that perfect quiet and peace.

  “Robert…” I whispered in my thoughts. “You’ve been my angel on earth; I’ll be yours in heaven.”

  Chapter 8

  life

  they say that death is a part of life. Well, I couldn’t agree any less. “Come back, come back please,” a charming voice said. “Please, baby, come back!”

  I opened my eyes, my upper eyelashes sticking on the bottom ones with what felt like a glue substance. I started seeing a white light that apparently was coming from a window of the hospital room. My eyes were burning. “Am I still alive?” I intended to ask.

  “Oh, thank God! Ah, no way!” the same voice said, trembling and crying. “I’m right here, baby, open your eyes.”

  I tried to open my eyes again but barely succeeded to blink. The darkness was suffocating me.

  “Donna! Donna, wake up! Look, she’s opening her eyes!” he said again.

  Who was Donna? I didn’t care; it was more important to concentrate on that tremendous burn in my eyes.

  “Oh, my little baby,” a tender woman’s voice said, crying. The sound of her footsteps signaled she was approaching me. As she caressed my face I could tell that my head was wrapped with a bandage. The woman’s voice didn’t seem so familiar but rather comforting. I tried to open my eyes again and for the third time saw a blur with the bottom of my left eye.

  “Open your eyes, baby,” the man’s charming voice said.

  “Call the doctor,” the woman suggested.

  “I just buzzed them.”

  “You’re not alone, I’m right here,” the crying woman said. “Don’t be afraid.”

  “Julie, baby, we are right here,” he reconfirmed.

  I listened to the weird sound of my breathing accompanied by the noises of the machines around me. The woman’s crying voice beside me became whispery as she continued to caress my face. The guy on my left was holding my hand, and I felt his tears dropping on the light sheets that covered me.

  “Don’t make any efforts, sweetheart,” she whispered.

  “What seems to be the case?” a mature man’s voice said as he entered the room. I was able to tell it was a doctor.

  “She’s waking up,” the charming voice confirmed. “Look, hurry. She can’t open her eyes.”

  “Oh, my Lord, let me call Dr. James.” He picked up the phone. “Please call Dr. James immediately. Patient is awake.”

  “Is she okay?” the woman named Donna asked.

  “Step back, please, I need to check her out.” The doctor tried to insert a light into my eyes, but his attempt was unsuccessful and very painful. “We should clean her eyes.”

  Many footsteps came into the room. I could tell it was more than just one doctor.

  “Jenna, please clean her eyes.” He placed his hand on my forehead. “Where is Dr. James?”

  “He just finished operating. He’ll need a few minutes,” the nurse replied, or whom I now assumed was Jenna.

  “Please call Dr. James immediately,” the doctor said again; then someone’s footsteps ran outside the room.

  “Baby, we are right here,” the charming voice said from the corner of the room.

  “It would be better if you waited outside,” the doctor said.

  “Let’s go, Donna,” the charming voice whispered.

  I wanted to ask them to stay; their presence around me was comforting, but what I wanted most was to understand what had happened and how bad my injuries were.

  “Julie,” the doctor’s voice said near my ear. “Try not to move, sweetie. Dr. James will be here in a minute to examine you. You will be all right.”

  “Cass…” I tried to correct my name.

  “Don’t try to speak,” he said as the nurse wiped my eyes with some solution that easily took away the glue.

  I opened my eyes finally and was able to see clearer, although not very clear. A doctor was coming inside
the room. Jenna, the nurse, was smiling at me while checking the needle attached to my left arm.

  “This is a breakthrough,” the doctor that came into the room said proudly while smiling. He looked very old and confident as he stepped in. His confidence gave comfort to my heart. The other doctor and the nurse stepped back as the old one approached me and shone a light into my eyes.

  “Um…,” I murmured, my head feeling so heavy.

  “Julie, can you hear me?”

  “Cassan...dra,” I corrected him.

  “You don’t need to speak just yet. Press on my hand if you can understand everything I’m saying.” He placed his hand in my right palm. “Can you hear me?”

  I pressed his hand.

  “That’s good.” He turned toward the other doctor. “Mark that.”

  “Do you remember who you are?”

  I pressed his hand again.

  “Mark that,” he repeated.

  He turned back toward me. “Now let’s try something else. Press once if you want to say no and twice if you want to say yes. Do you remember what happened? The accident?”

  Flashes of the fall came to my mind. I was suddenly worried for the extent of injury I had caused myself. I started panicking as more memories came to me.

  “Julie, do you remember the accident?” he repeated.

  “Why?” I uttered. “Why?” I was afraid of my voice, which sounded like I had the flu. I intended to ask why he was calling me Julie.

  “Julie, calm down, don’t speak.”

  “Why!” I took away my hand from his. I looked at my palm where my fingers seemed taller and thinner—and very pale. I felt a rising panic engulf me.

  “Julie, do not panic; it’s normal the confusion you’re feeling. We can stop now and resume later.”

  They did a few physical tests on me. They checked my body, touched my feet, and moved my arms. Jenna the nurse changed the needle from my left arm to the right one. I didn’t feel much pain as she inserted the needle into my veins. I noticed though that both my arms were spotted brown; in fact there were bruises of blue, green, and red colors.