Different Minds

by Joyce E. Rayess

  “You frightened me!” I shouted at Luke.

  “You had to see the look on your face.” He couldn’t stop laughing; in a second I started laughing too.

  “Luke, Luke!” Eric called on Luke to stop laughing, and then he looked at me. “So do you want to answer the snowman?”

  “Well, yeah, first I need to bring those candles closer to him.” I looked at the snowman and sort of frowned while Eric and Luke laughed harder. “Well, he scared me…I’m not sure I ever want to talk to him again.”

  I didn’t know why I was avoiding the answer. I was definitely scared and felt like I was dreaming. I think I was also a little shy from Luke.

  “I would advise you to say yes,” Luke said. “Last time you had a normal head, and you and he were two rare lovebirds.”

  Eric watched me with smiling eyes; I was always in his arms as he cuddled me with that warm look. I think I actually forgot the existence of Luke; Eric’s beautiful face had kidnapped me.

  “Well…I trust Luke,” I said and froze in his grasp as his eyes solidified into mine. This meant that I was accepting his proposal. This meant my whole life was about to change…again. His arms tightened around my waist, and I felt dizzy as he pulled me against him, even lifting me a little until my feet were off the floor. I didn’t know what to expect; I was a little timid that Luke was about to watch us kiss. Cassandra, loosen up! I said to myself. Maybe Julie didn’t mind to share a beautiful kiss while Luke was there. Doing something wrong with confidence was actually better than doing something right timidly. Wow, where did that come from? My thoughts sounded like the voice of Julie.

  I ran my hands over his shoulders and pushed the tips of my fingers into his skin. There was a moment of hesitation, but as soon as his hand ran up my back, Luke totally disappeared. Eric’s lips were incredibly warm against my skin as he drew a circle of little kisses over my face, and I was frozen in a breathtaking moment. My hands started shaking as I slid them over his chest, grasping his shirt and pulling myself toward him. I slid my fingers over his chin, tracing a line up his neck as our lips touched. A wonderful sensation dove into me while his face scarcely touched mine as he swayed back and forth kissing me. Our kiss ended by moving almost lower away than when we had originally come close. As he leaned in to steal another quick kiss while I moved away, I realized I couldn’t be a bad kisser.

  “I need to get myself a girlfriend,” Luke said.

  “It took Marc one day,” commented Eric, and I laughed along.

  Luke suddenly appeared in between us holding the ring box that was initially on the snowman’s hand.

  “Thank you.” Eric took it and opened it. It looked fancy, but I wasn’t much into expensive stuff; it agitated me because I didn’t know how to take care of it, nor valued it.

  “You didn’t steal it by any chance?” I joked.

  “In fact I did. I stole it from your finger in the hospital; this is the second…” He bit his lips a little.

  “You are lucky she lost her memory, you know, else she would have rejected you,” Luke interrupted.

  “Why?” I asked, amused.

  “Well, I’m the better man,” Luke said, smiling.

  “I did tell you that I needed to make better friends, didn’t I?” asked Eric.

  “Yeah, you mentioned that a couple of times.” I laughed.

  He removed the ring from the box and placed it on my finger. I didn’t know how to react to his loving stare. We spent the rest of the evening drinking red wine. At least I pretended to drink. Every time I forced myself to swallow a sip, it made me grimace.

  “What happened to you?” said Luke, looking half sleepy. “You quit on the good stuff?”

  “I don’t know, I guess I just don’t like wine anymore.”

  “You should’ve told me,” said Eric while kissing my hand.

  About twenty minutes later Luke decided to leave as it had become very late. I was extremely happy about that. Eric walked him to the door—it was just a few steps away from the sofa. Half the candles were already drowned in melted snow, and so was half my fear. I stood up, reading in Eric’s eyes the same desire I had within mine. He froze in his place, but he pulled me toward him with his gaze. I don’t remember ever walking so slowly and so fast at once. He was still holding the door handle when I became impossibly close to him, even breathing him. I ran my eyes over the beauty of his face, astonished where life had taken me.

  “Julie,” he said, almost whispering.

  “Yeah?” I was scared now. Was he hesitating? Our chance of a private kiss…I swallowed, waiting for him as he sank into absolute silence.

  He suddenly held my face with both his hands and kissed my lips with an excessive strength. I pulled away then came close again until our strength was equal. At some point I even exerted a stronger force than he, pushing him farther back until he had nowhere to go as his back touched the door. I tried to sense his chest with my hands, quickly tracing his whole upper body, memorizing him with closed eyes.

  “Julie,” he said again, whispering and breathing rapidly. “Julie, I think it’s late.”

  “What?” I felt like someone forcibly awakened me from a beautiful dream. I took the phone from my jacket and looked at the time. It was past midnight. “I have two missed calls from Donna.”

  “She must be worried.”

  “I think we should go,” I whispered softly into his ear.

  “Well, you can’t say it like that.” He laughed.

  I texted her that I was on my way back home with Eric and that the drive wasn’t too long. I hoped the message was enough to calm her down. I even worried that she didn’t have a good time with Chester.

  It was one o’clock when we reached the house. Eric dropped me at the door and waited for me to get inside as usual. Luna wasn’t barking but she was waiting at the door. I started looking for Donna, mostly searching in the obscurity. She had the habit of hiding there. Of course, there she was sitting near the fire in the salon with a cigarette lit. As soon as she saw me she tried to stop coughing, but I could see that she struggled to do so.

  “Here you are.” She forced a smile while coughing.

  “Hey, you’re still up.” I walked toward her with a sad look. “What’s wrong?”

  “Oh nothing, I should change the cigarette type. These are not as good as they used to make them.” She placed the half-smoked cigarette in the ashtray. “Should I close the window?”

  “No, I’m not cold.” I kneeled down at her feet. “Donna.”

  “Yes.”

  “Would you quit smoking for me?” I hoped a daughter’s concern would actually be a good motivation for a mother.

  “I can quit anytime.” She reached for the cigarette and stubbed it out. “Does it bother you?”

  “Only seeing you like that. Coughing and not breathing properly. I want to keep you for so long next to me.” I hugged her feet.

  “Oh.” Her voice was broken as if she was about to cry. “Juliette! What is that?”

  “What?” I looked at her expression as she stared at the ring on my finger.

  “Oh yeah, Eric just proposed.” I smiled.

  “He did it again!” She laughed.

  “He shouldn’t have?” I looked up at her.

  “No, just the timing. I expected that he would wait longer until you have remembered him well. Now it’s different for you; he is a totally new person.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I exhaled. “And how was your night with Chester?”

  “Fine.” She nodded. “It was unusual.”

  “Where did he take you?” I pulled out my feet and sat on the floor because I wanted her to know that I had the time to listen if she wanted to speak.

  “It was a new restaurant. One hour away. Friend of your father joined us.”

  “Was it fun?” I wanted to understand if my feelings were correct that Donna didn’t like Chester much.

  “Well, when a heart is broken, it’s nearly impossible to mend it.” She shut her eyes i
n disappointment. There it was: the proof that my feelings were correct.

  “What do you mean?” I tried to look busy eating one of the cookies from her plate on the table. I wasn’t sure if it was better to be fully attentive, or whether it was going to keep her from speaking any further.

  “It’s a long story and it’s getting late.” She took a cookie herself.

  “But I’m not sleepy.” I tried to sound interested.

  “But I am.” She smiled at me. “I am very tired, and I must wake up early to take Luna for her vaccination. I don’t want to wait too long in the line.”

  “Yeah, you’re right.” I swallowed the last piece of the cookie. “I hope she won’t be too stressed.”

  “No, I don’t think so.” She stood up and started walking toward the kitchen. I followed her. She turned off the lights in the hall and walked me to my bedroom.

  I was finally alone, contemplating again and again the scenario of our kisses. Eric took over my mind so beautifully, and I succumbed to the thoughts. Even when I was in bed, I couldn’t sleep anymore. The memory of our kiss was put on repeat mode and didn’t leave any place for sleep. Suddenly I woke up panicking that I actually said yes. Was this for real? Was I getting married?

  This is crazy! I’m too young for that! Why didn’t I think of the big picture? I was suddenly panicking, breathing so quickly I felt dizzy. I jumped out of bed and started walking around the loveseat when suddenly Donna came in.

  “Saw the light on.” She seemed curious and a little worried.

  “I’m wondering…um…what is marriage like?” I asked.

  “Well…” She walked toward me and sat on the loveseat. “There’s a lot to say here. It can’t be summarized in a few words but it’s not bad. Marriage is like a calmer state of love. It’s not a major change, because you will always have your friends and family; you will just be seeing your man more often. You might get sick of it with the years passing, but you can also get immune to it.”

  I knew I couldn’t get sick of Eric. It was nearly impossible. I was feeling sick while staying away from him. “But marriage is a big word.”

  “They make it sound like that. Books, movies…they tend to exaggerate.” She tucked her feet up on the loveseat. “You can always change your mind.”

  “No, I don’t think that would be proper.” I started walking in circles again.

  “Julie, the only proper thing is to feel right when doing such a thing. Divorce is not a solution for marriage because marriage should not be a mistake in the first place.”

  “No, I mean, I like Eric very much…”

  “But do you know him?” she interrupted me.

  “I will get to know him. We’re not getting married tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, it’s his fault anyways. It’s not like Eric not to be patient. Something’s wrong with him.”

  “What do you mean?” I sat on the bed feeling hopeless.

  “Never mind me. I’m just sleep talking. I should rest.” She stood up and headed toward the door. “Just think, Julie…take your time to know Eric; he is a kind man.”

  I spent the rest of the night feeling happier than I’d ever felt in both Julie’s and Cassandra’s lives. Maybe I didn’t know Eric like Julie did, but he was the sweetest thing I’d ever known since I woke up into being his girlfriend. He was angry because he loved Julie and was afraid to lose her. He could not be a bad man. I could feel his vibes; he was a kind, peaceful person just like Donna had described him.

  Just before I closed my eyes, Eric called me. I swiped the phone open and hurried to hear his voice on the other side.

  “Julie…” His voice was charming and powerful. “I can’t sleep.”

  “Me neither,” I admitted spontaneously but quickly regretted it a second later when I wondered: why couldn’t he sleep? Was it because he was regretting asking me to marry him? Or was it that he was feeling so happy? After all, he was the one who stopped our kiss.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked with a sleepy voice.

  “I’m not sure. I have a lot of thoughts.” I tried to keep myself vague and waited to understand what he was really trying to say.

  “Yeah me too…I was about to fall asleep when I heard my heart beat so fast it alarmed me.” He breathed heavily.

  “This happened to me a couple of times too.” I was surprised with how convincing I sounded.

  “Oh yeah? I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way.” He paused. “Now I feel better.”

  “Yeah definitely…” I waited silently on the other end of the line. “All right, I’ll leave you to try getting some sleep. Can I pick you up tomorrow?”

  “Well, Chester’s here now. I’m not sure if he wants to drop me.” I sounded like I was complaining.

  “I can text Chester to have some good sleep tomorrow. I mean…only if you want.” He sounded like he was trying to compensate for feeling regretful.

  “Umm…sure, I’ll wait for you at nine-thirty.”

  The moment we hung up, a terrible stomachache hit me. I was worried because I couldn’t understand him. No, that couldn’t be. He wouldn’t possibly call me to say something like that. He must have meant that he was happy. It was impossible to live with this kind of doubt throughout the night; I even thought about calling him back.

  I lay in bed holding my stomach for a couple of hours until the sounds in my mind started speaking again. I was happy this time to hear them because they scared me less than the voice of my own thoughts about Eric. I listened silently to their voices negotiating and screaming…until their words along with my own made no more sense, and the stomach pain disappeared.

  Chapter 16

  collusion

  the sound of the alarm interrupted a very annoying dream I was having, and the sound of it became a nightmare itself. Simmi was the one that set my alarm just like every night before I went to sleep. She still didn’t realize that I didn’t have classes before ten. The alarm was set at seven o’clock, even before the birds woke up. I rolled in bed a couple of times before I fell asleep again with this terrible anxiety. At eight-fifteen my phone alarm went on; it felt like barely five minutes had passed.

  I moved out of bed feeling restless. It was the first night where I’d felt scared all over again while sleeping alone in the room. So suddenly it was like all the phobias were back with me. I prepared myself quickly for the ride with Eric. I made sure to wear one of Julie’s album outfits. I wasn’t hungry this morning; I decided to skip my breakfast although it looked delicious as I passed by the kitchen to drink some water. By nine-thirty Eric was already there. I walked out into the beautiful sunshine, and he stepped out of the car as usual.

  “Good morning,” I said with a weak voice. He was smiling but not too smiley. I worried what that could mean.

  “Good morning, baby,” he said with a weak voice too.

  Why did he call me baby? Was he still feeling bad for taking me away from the dream he had offered? I should have refused his proposal the moment he asked. I could always say that I didn’t want to make him feel rejected in front of Luke. I closed my fists inside my pockets angrily; I even gritted my teeth. He seemed agitated and unusual. I studied his face as he sat by me, not daring to even look at my face.

  “I had such a rough night,” he said as he started the car.

  I preferred to stay silent unless he asked me something.

  “I couldn’t sleep a minute.” He reached for my hand slowly. “Loving you is so…magnetic. I can’t stay away from you anymore.”

  Unexpected! What a shame. I spent a whole night worrying instead of sleeping peacefully and happily. How could I have thought the worst? I should have trusted my old opinion of him. Of course he loved Julie and still did.

  “Me too, Eric, it was very hard,” I admitted. It seemed as if I wasn’t so scared anymore to marry him.

  He kissed my hand and took off. Most of the drive toward the campus was silent. We looked at each other a couple of times with a smile and listen
ed to the music.

  “Do you want to change any of your courses?” he said as he parked the car.

  “No, I’ll stick to the boring subjects.”

  “Oh.” He turned the music off. “You can always get rid of anything lame.”

  “Yes, but I’m just starting to understand the material. I would hate to start all over. Plus, I don’t think I know what I’d like to do in the future, so I’ll stick with general.”

  “Yeah, that’s best. You can always change next semester.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I just want you to be happy with whatever you do. Let me walk you to class.” He smiled.

  “It’s still twenty minutes early. We can have a juice in the cafeteria,” I proposed.

  He grabbed his jacket from the backseat. “I’d like that.”

  By ten o’clock, there were enough people to suck out all the oxygen from the cafeteria. The smell inside was a little suffocating, at least to me. Although it was sunny, it was way too cold for people to gather outside—only a few crazy ones dared to do that. I was constantly shocked by how students looked at me while I was Julie. I never had anyone notice me before. Girls stared at my shoes and purse, while some gave me an ugly look. I was annoyed with how popular Eric was, and it had made me a source of competition to other girls. The majority of the girls stared at Eric while we walked around, and those guys who dared to look at me smiled.

  At least I was admired by some people; it compensated for the hateful looks that I tried to avoid. I kept my eyes on the path because I wasn’t good at not looking at people without staring too much to figure out what they were thinking about me. I constantly reminded myself of Sarah’s advice: Julie didn’t care what people thought about her, and I had to act with that confidence! I held Eric’s hand as we walked to the juice counter.

  I felt trapped under beautiful skin that many wanted to tear down. Some guys looked like they wanted to hunt me. I was starting to lean on Eric, probably thinking that the closer I was to him the more protected I would be. It always came back to my mind, one of those strong voices that I usually hear before I sleep: “the best protection that you have is your confidence.” I took a step away from him and let the sunglasses drop over my eyes. There, better!